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About protecting ourselves when/if partner moves in?

(3 Posts)
Y0ubetterwerk Thu 11-Apr-19 19:26:58

I don't think I'm being unreasonable; definitely unromantic but I'm too old for all that. I'd be interested to know others take on the situation.

I've been with my partner for 18 months and he stays a few times a week when my DC are at their dads. We've not had a sleepover when the kids have been home, nor do the kids understand what he is to me as they're just too little to get it and we tend to avoid showing affection (apart from the odd hug) when we're all together. He probably sees us all once a week for a few hours; we'll watch a film, go to the park etc. He's our friend and they love him to bits. All in all, he's great. Nice guy, stable job, generally easy to get on with and, from what I know and have experienced, similar values.

The subject of him moving in with us was raised (I own, he rents) and I know he's keen for us to work towards this in the future.

I love living alone. Love it. My ex was a moody bastard and it was incredibly draining to come home to a house where you'd always be in the wrong. I love the house smelling nice, it being clean. I love the freedom of spending time doing exactly as I please when the DC are in bed. I am not willing to give this up without a contingency plan in place.

1) if he moves in, he has to keep his tenancy for 3 months after move in date. He'll be going from living alone to a house of 3 so he/we need a logical escape of it doesn't work out
2) he doesn't pay anything towards mortgage. He can cover bills etc. But he cannot get a stake in the property.
3) money that he would be using to pay towards rent/bills goes into savings and he buys a flat that we rent out. If all goes south, this means he has somewhere to go. If we last the distance, this can be sold alongsise my house to get a bigger joint property further down the line
4) he signs a contract (not sure if this is legally binding but it's peace of mind) stating that he won't look to take initial.investment from my house. If he contributed to the house in terms of improvement, he will, of course, have a percentage of the equity.

He was really, really hurt. Apparently it's not on to plan for failure as it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I'm willing to let him into our lives, I apparently have to do this in all areas-emotional, physical and financial. He wants to be a full part of our lives, not kept at arm's length.

I say I've been screwed over before and left with way less than I should have received. I'm not willing to do that again for anyone. This house is for my kids, not for someone else.

I'm also bringing substantially more to the relationship in terms of the finances. I don't think it's fair that my house becomes a part his when he didn't put the initial.investment in.

In any case, I've definitely hurt his feelings. He says he's hurt as he'd never try to take the house and I should know that. It's not that I think he would-i really don't think that would happen -but I'm not willing to chance it.
Aibu? Opinions welcomed!

Nearlythere1 Thu 11-Apr-19 19:35:34

YANBU, protect yourself and you kids. I think your contingency measures sound great.
However, you are definitely away to get flamed by people saying you're not fully committing etc.
However, I'm with you.

nauseous5000 Thu 11-Apr-19 19:38:22

Hm ok, I can help with this a bit as am your boyfriend in the opposite situation- sort of. I owned a 2 bed flat in a dodgy area for me and DD before we moved in with DP. I kept my flat for a year and then sold it. The profits I made on my place are kept in my account- DP says we might eventually put it into a joint account but he thinks I need my own protection for me and DD. We live here and I pay for the weekly shop and water and DDs childcare . He pays the mortgage, gas and electricity as his income higher, he doesn't have childcare costs etc. We're looking to get a bigger house together in a nicer area and he's said we each put in a certain amount for deposit (his dad is gifting him a shitload towards this too!) Essentially we've agreed this initial investment is ringfenced for 3 years and we deal with the mortgage 66:34 as that's our salary after you take out DDs childcare. After 3 years everything is 50:50. I have to say I was a little put out initially but I'm not now. I'm secure in our relationship and feel like this is forever for us. Get legal advice but I'm pretty sure he has no claim on your place unless you add him to mortgage, so I'd maybe revise your list slightly and say you're happy to give loving together a trial run, but you'd want to be together x amount of time before getting a joint mortgage. He has to appreciate you've been burned before and have to put your kids first I think... but equally try to go into this with positivity- it sounds like you've got a good one. DM if you want to discuss some more

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