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I'm going to have to move aren't I?

(187 Posts)
AtlasObscura Thu 11-Apr-19 17:36:54

Namechanged ....

I love where I live but do sometimes wish people would just fuck off and focus on their own lives.

This is a bit long but I need to rant.

Background - single mum of 4 children, all now flown the nest or at Uni

I work from home and wifi went down on Monday so I decamped to the nearest coffee shop in village to use their wifi. Spotted a few other neighbours there too with the same idea so looked like I wasn't the only one with shit wifi maybe?

Anyway, doing my thing and in comes a woman who I know to say hello to. A friend of a friend, not a close acquaintance at all and I know next to nothing about her. She's with another woman who I don't recognise at all.

They order lunch and then ask if they can join me. I should have explained that I was working (and there were plenty of other free tables) but instead said that it was fine so they sat down.

Friend of a Friend (FOF) starts asking me how I am and we exchange bit of polite conversation. She then starts asking me about my 4 children.

More than just a 'how's family' type question but a bit more searching and she seems to know more about them then she should given the fact we barely know each other.

Now for some more background:

About 18 months ago, a man stopped to chat to me on my dog walk. I know he lives a few streets from me but don't know his name or anything else about him but we often pass when out walking the dogs to say hello (as you do when you have dogs!). We've been passing each other in this way almost daily for the last 10 years at least.

On this particular occasion, he seemed more keen to chat than usual and asked me about one of my daughters in particular and asked how she was doing.

His comments made it clear that he knew which country she lived in at the time and which Uni she was at and a few other details that I can only assume he got from looking her up on her FB page.

It was bloody creepy (she was 20 at that time and he must be in his late 50's at a guess), so I ended the conversation and mentioned it to my daughter and she tightened up her social media accounts to top privacy level.

Anyway, it came about that FOF is distantly related to this man and so when she started asking me about the children in the cafe I was wary and deliberately vague.

She also seemed to know quite a bit about them though, they are all abroad at the moment in different countries either on gap years, or working or on an Erasmus programme so she started asking me questions about that, who was where and doing what. I'm still trying to be vague ...

She asked whether I missed them (of course I do)

Whether I resented them leaving me on my own in the UK (erm of course not, I am enormously proud)

Then she asked how I could afford to support 4 children and afford flights out to visit them etc and support them through Uni (massive assumptions being made here that it's me having to finance these things but essentially no one else bloody business)

So I gave a vague jokey reply about 'kids eh' and 'thank god for Easy Jet'

but this wasn't enough and they clearly wanted more info, FOF looked at me really expectantly as if to say 'well - how do you manage it'

So I'm feeling really on the spot at this point, I'm a really private person normally and now I'm cornered (quite literally in the corner of the cafe).

I didn't want to be rude so I decided to make what I thought would be a really obvious joke and hope that they'd get the hint that this conversation wasn't going anywhere .....

Me: you really want me to explain in detail how I afford to support my children?

FOF: yes, I'm amazed at how anyone can afford it (again, massive assumptions being made by her that it is me that necessarily covers all these costs)

Me: I'm a sex worker I'm not

FOF: Really??? hmm

Me: yes it pays really well and it's really flexible although I was surprised that someone of my age and with my waistline would find the work

FriendofFOF : Are your clients anyone we would know?

Me: Well it's not the biggest village so yes I would imagine so.

I dont know why I continued contributing to the conversation as she clearly hasn't taken it to be a joke.

This all happened on Monday but she has now been telling everyone since that I am sex worker as the rumours have started and I can only assume that people actually fucking believe it.

I've been avoiding my usual dog walking route in order to avoid creepy neighbour.

I dont know what my AIBU is, I like living here, I feel settled here and it feels like home but I now clearly have to fucking move.

I'm a stupid, STUPID arse and shouldn't be allowed out in public - I don't know how to handle this as I am an awkward moo in social situations and I just know that any further attempts on my part will just end up making things 100 times worse.

Think of the love child of Miranda Hart and Mr Bean and you will just about be able to picture my level of social skill in public confused

I just need to get this off my chest - apologies sad

Ewitsahooman Thu 11-Apr-19 17:48:03

Just brazen it out and if you get any "dirty slag" comments tell them "that's what your husband calls me too".

They'll be gossiping about someone else soon enough.

LakieLady Thu 11-Apr-19 17:51:54

Bloody brilliant answers, OP, and imo talking bollocks to people who are rude enough to ask impudent questions deserve everything they get.

Tell dog walking man that you met someone who seemed to know all about you and your family, and that when she cheekily asked how you managed financially, you told her you were a sex worker, just for a laugh.

It'll soon be round the village that it was a wind-up, and no-one will dare ask you anything personal again.

Lightheart Thu 11-Apr-19 17:53:32

Deffo don't move. I'd say she only knows as her husband tried to hire your for your services but maybe that's maliciousgrin

iklboo Thu 11-Apr-19 17:53:42

Next time you see her hand her a dictionary with SARCASM highlighted in bright yellow. Then ask her if she'd like a grown up to help her with the big words.

barryfromclareisfit Thu 11-Apr-19 17:54:26

I love you. I want to be your friend, too, because you’re soon going to be earning a fortune ...

Lllot5 Thu 11-Apr-19 17:54:38

I think that’s a brilliant answer. I was going to suggest Ming your own business but yours is better.

Lllot5 Thu 11-Apr-19 17:54:50


Chancewouldbeafinethlng Thu 11-Apr-19 17:54:58

Why on earth would you say that?!
You can’t take it back now, it will spread quickly as you obviously know what people are like for gossiping

Grumpelstilskin Thu 11-Apr-19 17:55:20

LOL OP that made me chuckle.

Atalune Thu 11-Apr-19 17:58:34

That’s so good!!

She’s an idiot. The village idiot.

You have to just brazen it out now. Obviously your actual friends will know the truth but let the gossips minds spool.

PerkingFaintly Thu 11-Apr-19 17:59:40

OMG, OP. I'm sorry, I know it's awful for you but BWAHAHAHAHAHA!grin

Ahhhh, I needed that burst of schadenfreude today because usually it's me doing the total-twat-I-need-to-emigrate thing. You were today's embarrassment, so the rest of us didn't have to be.
Thank you thank you thank you.grin

Sorry, that wasn't entirely helpful, but... . BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

redexpat Thu 11-Apr-19 18:00:15

I really like your style grin

PerkingFaintly Thu 11-Apr-19 18:01:23

Next time you see her hand her a dictionary with SARCASM highlighted in bright yellow.

No no, ask her if she knows the word "gullible" has been taken out of the dictionary.grin

SuchAToDo Thu 11-Apr-19 18:03:07

Op i would deny all knowledge of ever having said it...then I'd say to people who comment about sex worker..."who has been saying this about me to you as I'm going to have to take legal action for slandering my reputation" grin put on a convincing act and people will turn on them both and see them as no good interfering gossipy busybodiesgrin

DailyMailFuckRightOff Thu 11-Apr-19 18:03:11

You don’t need to move and to be honest she sounds more socially inept than you!

AfterLaughter Thu 11-Apr-19 18:03:40

OP you are fucking brilliant

stucknoue Thu 11-Apr-19 18:03:57

smile love it. But I'm wondering if the reason she was asking about managing is that she is struggling and needs tips

KaterinaPetrova Thu 11-Apr-19 18:06:12

I wouldn't move. Just make sure to tell the biggest gossip you know that you pulled the leg of the nosiest cowbag you've ever had the displeasure to meet by telling her you were a sex worker.

It'll soon get round that she's making a fool of herself believing that crap and spreading it.

SandunesAndRainclouds Thu 11-Apr-19 18:07:09

I think that’s brilliant! If anyone asks you I’d say something along the lines of it being amazing what bullshit people will believe when they’re digging their unwanted noses in other people’s business, and how great it is that you know who the village gossips are!

Grumblepants Thu 11-Apr-19 18:09:11

You know that as you finished the conversation and left the cafe you should have ended it with "oh and do give my regards to your husband won't you" smile and walk off?

BettysLeftTentacle Thu 11-Apr-19 18:09:40

Ha. You’ve made me chuckle OP. I’ve lives in places like this too and it can be tough for sure.

I suggest you buy yourself a lovely leopard print ‘fur’ coat, some knee high boots and growl on the makeup for the next few weeks and start blowing kisses to random men of the village whilst out. They’ll get used to the idea eventually wink

Theweasleytwins Thu 11-Apr-19 18:10:13

Oh dear could definitely happen to me

VampirateQueen Thu 11-Apr-19 18:10:56

I would pretend to know nothing about it and make out that she made it all up, that might be a bit vindictive though.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Apr-19 18:13:57

That is so funny. As a PP said, you just need to find the biggest gossip and take her out for a drink and buy her a few drinks and tell her what you did and why. And tell her about that creep at the same time. Tell her she has free reign with it.

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