AIBU re husband's shopping

[ElinorRigby]

Working at home today, so asked spouse to do shopping. Made him a list including two specific types of cheese - Red Leicester and Stilton. He went off to do the shops but also went to pick up supplies in the city centre. Saw him return but didn't wander out as I was working.

Emerged at lunchtime to find he'd left most of stuff out when he returned from shops, rather than putting it away - meaning if I wanted to make lunch I'd have to do all the putting away first.. Rather than buying the cheese on the list, he'd bought goats cheese - although some old goats cheese has been languishing uneaten the fridge for a while -and white stilton with apricots (which I disliked) and left it out on the table in the sunshine.

When I queried why he hadn't put stuff away he said
a) he thought I'd like to see what he'd bought. He referred to this as the 'kill'
and
b) he didn't know where half the things went but I would know where to put them
and
c) he'd been out for over an hour and a half, so hadn't he done enough

My husband has been retired for several years and cooks regularly. I was underwhelmed.

At some point in the ensuing discussion I used the word 'patriarchy' and he said he was 'gutted' that I would describe his behaviour as having been influenced by patriarchal attitudes.

Just another day....

[FiveLittlePigs]

The poor man! I hope that you saw the error of your ways in expecting him to do shopping, buy the right stuff and put it away. How was his poor little man brain meant to deal with all that?

It infuriates me when some men do that "I can't shop/cook/clean/act like an adult" act and then go into a huff when called out on it.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Won't someone think of the menz!

[PianoTuner567]

he didn't know where half the things went but I would know where to put them

Most irritating excuse ever!

[YouTheCat]

It all sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. Does he resent you working and not attending to his every need?

[Cantthinkofausername1990]

Annoys me so much, dh will leave the bag on the kitchen table and walk away as if he's done his bit!

[LordPickle]

My DH does this too and it gives me such rage! It's so fucking lazy and disrespectful.

He even says "oh I thought you'd want to see what I bought" too. As of once it's in the fridge or the cupboard, it becomes invisible. Wanker.

[Chocolateisfab]

Op I suggest you grab a ton of post it notes and itemise your home.
FRIDGE.
WASHING MACHINE.
VACUUM CLEANER.
IRON.
Etc.
Once asked dh to get water cress as I was going to make fish cakes..
He got salad cress..

[BuzzPeakWankBobbly]

Maybe "don't know" where half his stuff goes in future.

"Your pants, darling? I left them in the freezer, didn't know where else they should go"
etc

[user1480880826]

My husband also used to say he didn’t know where anything went. My response was always “maybe if you did some of the cooking you might find out”.

Useless species.

[Arachnidplant]

Send him back out to buy the right stuff.

[ElinorRigby]

I think he likes to think of himself as doing his share of the housework - but he rushes round doing other things he finds more interesting. So he's minimalist and doesn't do stuff he finds boring particularly thoroughly. Or at all/

For example if I dry laundry, I don't just bring it in from outside/take it out of the dryer. I also sort it into ironing baskets - different ones according to who it belongs to. I also remove the stuff that doesn't need ironing. Whereas spouse things if he's hung washing out/taken it in/operated the dryer - and left the rest to be done by the fairies (me) the job's been done.

So he could convince himself he'd done the shopping - which technically he had. But it wasn't convenient for him to find the right cheese or put stuff away, because he really wanted to get on with his hobby.

[nakedscientist]

Yes, yes to this. DH goes to the market on Saturday and leaves it all on the table for me to "see". It has to be admired and then we have to count up how much he has saved us compared to going to the supermarket!

[canadianbanana]

So he cooks regularly, but can’t figure out where things go? Right, that sounds legit 😉.

[CatCatDog]

Try telling him you've seen the kill so now he needs to hide it from predators by burying it in the fridge!
I've got one that insists on showing me everything upon their return

[Bloodybridget]

God almighty. Think I would have rammed the apricot Stilton (yuck) down his throat.

[Mix56]

This is called "intentional incompetence", adrianscrazylife.com/2014/03/frustrating-behaviors-intentional-incompetence.html

[Kungfupanda67]

Why do men enjoy displaying their shopping? My dad used to come home from Lidl and show us each item in turn... ‘see this beef? Guess how much?’

Honestly couldn’t give a shit dad 👍

[GertrudeCB]

Wow.
My dh is semi retired and does the full shop every week and puts it away. Maybe I should get him a medal ...........second thoughts op it does sound like strategic incompetence. What a weapon

[wolfmom]

My oh came up to bed last night and announced he'd washed the dishes like he'd found the cure for common colds, was not impressed when my response was only "great" yippee he washed several dishes, didn't put the sodding things away though. I've decided until I am thanked for doing household chores dd and oh will get the same dismissive "great" lol

[SapphireSeptember]

'Didn't know where it goes'! Er, the fridge? Anyone with half a brain cell would get it.

I gave up on ever getting my ex to do the shopping, he never got it right and it would enrage me, ditto the washing up.

[FFSFFSFFS]

I would also retire from your housekeeper duties. He can do all those things for himself now.

[Crazybunnylady123]

My fella comes food shopping with me and we put it away together with help from the toddler. I don’t have to ask him he’s great. But he is a bit of a clean freak anyway, he definitely does his share.
I hope he never changes. He does put stuff away and I have to hunt for it sometimes though.
I think it’s unreasonable to just leave it there without telling you. Does he never cook for himself he must know where the food is ?

[SilverySurfer]

Ah the well known professional incompetent. If he does what you ask badly enough you won't ask again so win/win for him.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

Actually I doubt if anyone in this house realises where 'proper' food goes, although junk food they know the exact location of assuming it doesn't get eaten before being put away.

[GPatz]

At least your 'kill' is left out for you to just see. I have to listen to tales proudly recounted of the battle of wit and cunning exchanged between my DH and the employee at the fresh cheese and meat counter in securing the very best of the deli bargains.