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To think I'm the evil step mother....

(106 Posts)
tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:08:44

Because I've said no to this....

Dsd should be coming tomorrow evening until Sunday. She broke up from school last week.

My 2 dcs have not broken up from school yet. They break up tomorrow.

Dsd Is 5. This morning dh had a phone call from dsd (not his mother) asking if she could sleep tonight.

It's not really possible for her to sleep tonight.

As I've said, my dcs are still at school and Thursdays are manic. We dont even come home after the school run due to after school activities. Thursday is known as 'pack up tea' as I make them a pack up for tea to eat while we are out. We don't usually get home until 7.45-8pm.

Dh always works late on Thursdays and gets in just after us usually. There is no way he can finish early either at such short notice.

So potentially dsd could be dropped off around 8pm....

But I cannot look after her tomorrow either and neither can dh. Again, dh cannot get the day off at such short notice and I have a million and one things on school related (last day of term) and also 2 baby groups (have a 6 month old).

As soon as school finishes, I'm driving 2.5 hours to drop my dcs off with their dad for a few days. And I would have to also take dsd with me and I cant fit her in my car.

So I have said that I cannot have dsd at such short notice. As I've said, I won't even be able to fit an extra car seat in my car.

We already had school holidays sorted, we have dsd next week and we are going on holiday. We are having her half the holidays as we always do.

I just feel it was so wrong of the ex to get dsd to ring and ask if she could stay. Now we look like the bad ones for saying no. The ex should of asked, not the child. Or Aibu to think this?

I also kind of feel I was expected to just have dsd and fit it around my plans. Dh went very quiet with me when I said no to looking after her.

Just to add - I do a lot for dsd. I always have and I always will but sometimes I just feel taken advantage of and this is the first time I've ever said no.

HBStowe Thu 11-Apr-19 10:11:25

Yeah they definitely should not have got the five year old to ask! And if you can’t even fit her in your car it does sound like you couldn’t look after her. I think you were put in a horrible position really.

pinkyredrose Thu 11-Apr-19 10:12:10

Wow you have a lot of reasons so just say no, not possible tonight.

Newyearnewname2019 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:12:16

No you're not evil. It's down to her father not you. If he can't take time off then that's not your problem. You're having her next week so it's not like you're avoiding her. The mother shouldn't have done that. And ultimately it's between them. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all.

ScreamScreamIceCream Thu 11-Apr-19 10:15:38

You are not evil.

TixieLix Thu 11-Apr-19 10:19:26

You are not the evil SM. This is your DH's DD and if he can't take the time off to look after her then he has no right making you feel guilty for not being able to. As you've said, there are practicalities that make it impossible such as not being able to fit her in your car. The child's mother was unreasonable getting her daughter to ask.

WhiteCat1704 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:19:38

I also kind of feel I was expected to just have dsd and fit it around my plans. Dh went very quiet with me when I said no to looking after her.

DH should have booked a day off and as it's not possible it's 100% on him. Very unreasonable of him to try guilt tripping you in this situation. You shouldn't be put in this position and yes the 5 year old should not have been made to ask.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:19:47

I think it's just that my dcs are with us the majority of the time (only see their dad eow) and then I have to say no to dsd coming.

NataliaOsipova Thu 11-Apr-19 10:21:43

You are not the evil SM. This is your DH's DD and if he can't take the time off to look after her then he has no right making you feel guilty for not being able to

This. 100%.

PotteringAlong Thu 11-Apr-19 10:21:55

I assume you have a family car that you can fit all of the children in? So just swap and use that one? She can come to a baby group with you.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:23:38

@WhiteCat1704 it isn't dhs fault that he can't get the day off. He was only asked this morning! The ex is well aware he doesn't have the type of job where he can just take the next day off. His job doesn't works like that. And she knows that and knows that seen as I am a sahm that it would be me looking after her! So it's not dhs fault.

He also didn't ask me to have her, I said no before he got the chance too. I think he was just expecting me to try and work around it. He probably didn't expect me to say no straight away which is why he went quiet with me

saoirse31 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:25:01

Yeah confused re fact you cant fit all kids in your car? How do you manage normally?

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:25:00

@PotteringAlong no he has a company car which he can use socially. I'm not insured to drive it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Thu 11-Apr-19 10:26:33

I think you were very wrong to say no, there's nothing there a child couldn't have tagged along with. I'd be very hurt as your DH that you expected to have children live with him that weren't his yet wouldn't have his for one day.

You also sent a message to the daughter by saying no that she doesn't warrant extra time.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:26:49

Cars is never an issue. Like I say, he has a company car which we can use socially but I am not insured to drive it. If we all go out somewhere on weekends we use 2 cars. So when we go away, we will take both cars. Not an issue.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:28:53

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss did you not read I cannot fit her in my car? I also don't think she would appreciate a 2.5 hour car journey while I drop my dcs off with their dad. That is not fair on dsd. And I do everything I can for her but this is too short notice where I cannot make alternative plans.

It also also not my fault the ex has got dsd to ask. She should of asked herself not made her daughter do it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Thu 11-Apr-19 10:29:38

What will you do if he now does the same and refuses to care or financially provide for your children that aren't his?

cliquewhyohwhy Thu 11-Apr-19 10:31:22

Stick to saying no, you have valid reasons. Let your OH deal with it.

Treaclesweet Thu 11-Apr-19 10:31:57

That is prime manipulative behaviour from his ex! I would mention it to him later just so you are sure that he can see it.

funinthesun19 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:32:44

YABU to think you’re an evil stepmum for that!

You are not her parent and you have commitments to your own children (eg baby groups, running them to their dads), so yanbu to say no. Her parents should sort it out.

mbosnz Thu 11-Apr-19 10:32:46

Getting dsd to ask was downright manipulative, and so unkind to dsd.

There are safety and logistics reasons why you couldn't do it, particularly at such short notice as to be none at all. Hopefully ex will get the message that more notice needs to be given - and equally hopefully DH will get the message across to her that it is her responsibility to ask, not put the child in the middle like that.

It shines through that if you could have, you would have. You are nowhere near an evil step mother.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:33:33

@Treaclesweet I have. He's sent her a message about it just asking her not to do that in future. The ex has plans tonight, it's not dsd that wants to stay. She admitted that on the phone when dh rang her.

tinkertinker1 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:35:13

@mbosnz thank you. I regularly have dsd as a favour to the ex. I don't mind but this is just a step too far and first time I've ever said no

AuntieCJ Thu 11-Apr-19 10:35:46

Ignore icecream I think she is spoiling for a fight. Sad.

Of course you cant have her. The issue is the mother getting her to ring. Make sure she realises it isn't on.

OffToBedhampton Thu 11-Apr-19 10:39:31

Said in sweet parent voice
"No darling Daddy has to work, and tinker won't be home until late night Thursday or Friday- so there won't be anyone home to look after you. You're coming on Saturday and all next week, that's why daddy and tinker took time off next week but can't do today or tomorrow "

That's how I'd deal with child asking instead of parent.

Nothing to do with what type of step mum you are. You're DH is at work, he can't suddenly take days off to have DSD at last minute (unless her DM is seriously ill in which case he'd have to)
You are out most of the day til late and can't fit DSD in your car. NYP

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