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WIBU to ask DH to get the snip?

(84 Posts)
Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:05:06

So, just the basic background: DH and I married 14 years, we are a solid, loving partnership with 2 lovely Dcs now 11 and 13. I'm now in my late 40's, and my current coil expires in a few months.

Every time DH and discuss birth control going forward, we seem to skirt around the snip conversation. I really want him to have it...I've been the one either on the pill or with the coil for the total of our relationship, plus the pregnancies and births of two children. I think he assumes that it's easier and less invasive for me to carry on with the coil, but I'm not sure that's true...from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body, but at the same time, it doesn't feel all that unreasonable to ask him to do it, since I've taken the responsibility all these years.

What are your experiences with this? Is it unreasonable to ask him to do it?

BagelDog Fri 12-Apr-19 20:06:55

Just want to pipe up as quite a few people seem to think that if late forties and irregular periods then you can not be too worried about a pregnancy.... the bit of the perimenopause where you are having short or irregular cycles is also the bit when your fsh surges can be massive. Pregnancy is less likely but far far from impossible, multiples become far more likely, pregnancies get more complex. So yes it is less likely but no way to the extent you can stop worrying about contraception, esp as irregular cycles mean pregnancy is sometimes spotted later. Very bright friend who is a doctor in a relevant specialty just had baby four aged 53 and only spotted it at about 14 weeks... no you can’t demans he have a vasectomy, but you can have a frank discussion about contraception and which options are unacceptable to you, so you can decide as a couple what to do next. Vasectomy side effects and complication rates are widely available, as are those for female sterilisation. You each have to weigh up the probability of those side effects against the impact they would have on you. Marie Stopes have quite a good leaflet on each on the website I think. Condoms properly used can be good. But it needs to be a discussion.

dronesdroppingzopiclone Fri 12-Apr-19 19:57:10

Post vasectomy sex has definitely been brilliant! I'm 48 now, and although still regular, I, too, have short periods with a lot of sweating and flushes right before coming on, so definitely on the wane, but it's wonderful to not have to worry!

It is an issue if sex is important to them and the Mirena has lowered her libido. This IS a known and fairly common side effect.

I'd personally not have a replacement and use condoms until you can see how your cycle is behaving at this age.

Windowsareforcheaters Fri 12-Apr-19 15:23:57

A couple of years of good sex? Course it's worth it.

100% this.

It depends how important sex is to you. Post vasectomy sex has massively improved the quality and quantity of sex we have which has had a positive impact on our relationship.

Autumn101 Fri 12-Apr-19 15:10:21

Not unreasonable to ask at all! Contraception is a joint responsibility in a relationship and all options should be able to be discussed openly.

My DH has the snip last year, our DC are 9 and 10. After DS2 I found hormonal contraceptives didn’t suit me at all so we used condoms. Neither of us really liked them so we talked through the options and he was happy to get a vasectomy.

Back to normal within a week and like a PP it’s done wonders for our sex life!!! No risk of pregnancy or remembering to take pills, just enjoyment. DH said it’s the best thing he’s ever done

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 15:00:49

A couple of years of good sex? Course it's worth it.

Again you're saying a couple, nobody knows when menopause will hit. You can have a rough guide looking at your mother maybe. But why should woman have to take hormones that can surpress libido right up until menopause? Any decent bloke would take one for the team imo.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:52:56

@gamerchick

My DH has had the snip so I'm in favour of it generally - but is it worth it for literally a couple of years?

Tbh, in the OP's shoes I'd probably get the old coil removed, see how regular my cycle really is (I'm 45 and although regular, mine have got shorter so I know my fertility's on the wane) and risk unprotected sex.
The likelihood of her getting pregnant is so small.

But, she thinks she needs some form of contraception so a short-term coil (perhaps copper?) could be a solution. Or condoms, but she said they hate them so no point saying use them. hmm

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 14:42:58

So just stick with hormones 'just in case'? Never feel what the natural libido feels like after years of hormonal contraception? That's fair is it?

Just so the poor men doesn't have to get the snip?

Christ.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:38:39

Someone mentioned that the OP might not go through menopause for another 10 years. That's true, but the average age is 51 and the chances of getting pregnant with your own eggs after 50 are TINY - something like 1%.

I'm guessing the OP is about 48 so even now, the chances are v. slim - perhaps another coil would be the most logical solution as sterilisation for either of you seems unnecessary at this point.?

One of my friends had her third DC at 47, but that's v. rare!

dronesdroppingzopiclone Fri 12-Apr-19 10:43:37

One other option is getting yourself sterilised. I had this done in my mid 40s, one of the best decisions I made. Day surgery, quick recovery, no more worries about contraception

NHS funding for female sterilisation is very limited and in some trusts, non existent. And it is not a quick recovery for a good many patients, in fact, they show up on this board shocked at how much pain they're in when they were sold a 'day surgery, quick recovery' bill of goods.

And as for '1 in 10 men have complications from vasectomy', female sterilisation comes with a pretty nasty complication potential for ectopic pregnancy that can lead to, oh, major surgery and/or death.

It's actually a fairly common side effect of the Mirena to lose libido, OP.

phoenixrosehere Fri 12-Apr-19 09:35:49

Right gamerchick!

She said ask yet some people are acting as if she is trying to force him. Not surprised though, the suggestion that a man should actually do something other than just condoms to ensure he doesn’t impregnate someone always seems to be a no-go for some.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 09:10:46

Not unreasonable to ask at all but given your age I think this would be your final coil before menopause so I’d just do that.

TwoShades1 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:07:42

My partner has said he is quite keen to have a vasectomy after our next child. He said he definitely doesn’t want anymore. And he knows I’ve had issues with hormonal contraception. You should definitely have the conversation, and encourage him to find out more about it before making a choice.

Osirus Fri 12-Apr-19 08:25:00

I don’t think it’s wirth the risk of long term pain at your age. The risk is high, something like 1 in 10 suffer incurable long term pain. With menopause a short ride away, I just wouldn’t want my DH to risk it.

Myoldtable Fri 12-Apr-19 08:18:05

One other option is getting yourself sterilised. I had this done in my mid 40s, one of the best decisions I made. Day surgery, quick recovery, no more worries about contraception

swingofthings Fri 12-Apr-19 08:15:05

The thing many women go on mirena after the menopause because they need hrt but this is the only form of progesterone they can tolerate. How would you feel if that was you in a couple of years and your OH had the snip against his true desire but agreed to do it so you didn't need more hormones.

I think considering your age, if it is not something your OH is happy to do, it would be unfair to expect him to. Things could change quickly for you now and eho knows how you'll best manage the perimenopause.

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 08:09:06

I'm loving how people can turn 'ask' into 'force'. Are you reading a different thread?

PregnantSea Fri 12-Apr-19 08:04:51

You can ask him but it's his decision. The coil is considered easier because it's not permanent like a vasectomy. That doesn't mean it isn't a huge PITA for you, I hated mine.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy you have no right to push him, that would be wrong. But you have every right to say that you don't want the coil anymore, and tell him to use condoms or just stop having vaginal sex with him.

wombat1a Fri 12-Apr-19 08:03:57

Sorry but with 1 in 10 men having complications from the snip you are vu to push him towards it.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 12-Apr-19 07:57:00

It's definitely reasonable to ask, it is not reasonable to expect.

Me and DH agreed we would only have 2 children. I struggle with hormonal contraception and after 2 births and 2 cervical cancer scares I was fed up of having medical devices inside me, so told him after DS was born we'd be using condoms or abstaining from PIV as I had had enough and my body was my responsibility.
He booked a vasectomy and had it 6 weeks after DS was born. He got the all clear in February and our sex life is currently AMAZING.

ShowOfHands Fri 12-Apr-19 07:50:55

I had many years of hormonal contraception, several miscarriages, 2 pregnancies, 2 long labours and 2 emcs, one of which was traumatic.

DH had one vasectomy.

Guess which one of us had the hardest recovery and ongoing complications?

DH.

ltk Fri 12-Apr-19 07:40:53

Of course it is reasonable to ask. Having the snip is a long long way less invasive and has far fewer side effects than pregnancy, childbirth or female sterilisation.

It's his body in the end. But I would have lost a helluva lot of respect for dh if he'd refused.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 15:46:02

You've all definitely given me lots to approach DH with!!
I'm glad that a lot of you talked about bodily autonomy...I was conscious of that before, and I was never going to insist that he do it if he was dead set against it(or fearful...because that's a real issue).

I had the Mirena in part because of some awful ppmd...I thought if my periods went, maybe the problem would go. It has helped a bit, but as a PP said, I'm also at an age when my natural periods may very well be waning anyway, so I'd actually rather be able to pay attention to my body's natural rhythms now so I know for sure.

Again, I'm not opposed to the copper coil...I had it after dd2 was born and had no issues with it, but you know, issues can happen, and I also know that I'll have toake the appointments again when the menopause happens and get it removed and all that. With the snip, we're just done with it all.

And to the PP who said I shouldn't live with no libido...you are dead right...I feel like we should be enjoying that part of our relationship now our kids are a little older, and I just have zero interest, which frustrates me! DH never pushes it, but I am quite sure he'd be delighted if I was even slightly more amorous!

Thank you all again...have some good stuff to help guide the conversation now!

JacksonvilleJaguars Thu 11-Apr-19 15:22:09

DH is currently having the consultations to have this done.
We're mid 30s and are not having children and after being on the pill for 20+ years it began to serious affect me mentally. I had an honest conversation with DH and asked him what he thought. I'm never putting artificial hormones in my body again and not interested in the copper coil. The only option was condoms and he doesn't really like them so he looked in to snip and decided he wanted it done.

gamerchick Thu 11-Apr-19 15:07:11

Why don't you ask him? I don't get the what's the point brigade on here. Menopause starting might not be the best part of 10 year yet. That's a long time for more hormones hmm

Get the coil out, tell him it's condoms only until you see what your libidos up too and would be mind considering the snip if you get the horn back on. No woman should dampen that natural libido all of her adult life, it's not fair.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 11-Apr-19 14:56:04

I cannot believe there is any doubt in anyone’s mind as to whether it’s reasonable to ask!

^^ Exactly, she's just asking him what he thinks, not forcing or nagging him to get it done. "How is that removing his bodily autonomy?" hmm

Given your age, OP, I'm not sure that a vasectomy is worth it now. Perhaps you should have the old coil removed and find out how frequent your natural periods are now - you might already be in menopause. Otherwise, could you tolerate the coil for a few more years? I imagine your fertility would be so low post-50 that you may not even need it for 5 years.

My DH has had a vasectomy, btw. We didn't want anymore children (we even discussed how we'd feel if we split up and met new partners - neither of us wanted more DC). I was also quite willing to be sterilised, but it's a more complex procedure than a vasectomy, so he opted for that.

Three weeks later, he was back to normal and our sex life has been great! I know there's a risk of complications, but that's the case with any operation. He's really glad he's had it! grin

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