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WIBU to ask DH to get the snip?

(84 Posts)
Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:05:06

So, just the basic background: DH and I married 14 years, we are a solid, loving partnership with 2 lovely Dcs now 11 and 13. I'm now in my late 40's, and my current coil expires in a few months.

Every time DH and discuss birth control going forward, we seem to skirt around the snip conversation. I really want him to have it...I've been the one either on the pill or with the coil for the total of our relationship, plus the pregnancies and births of two children. I think he assumes that it's easier and less invasive for me to carry on with the coil, but I'm not sure that's true...from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body, but at the same time, it doesn't feel all that unreasonable to ask him to do it, since I've taken the responsibility all these years.

What are your experiences with this? Is it unreasonable to ask him to do it?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 11-Apr-19 13:31:21

I YOU are certain YOU dont want any more children, then YOU have the operation. He may well want another family at some point, but you do not. Harsh, but there are no certainties in this life that you wont be hit by a bus tomorrow. You are removing his choice and his bodily autonomy by forcing this issue.

Sunshine196 Thu 11-Apr-19 13:36:17

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you at all. I’ve been on the pill for 24 years & had 2 babies. We don’t want anymore kids so I actually don’t think I’m asking anything unfair of my husband to have the snip. He has agreed but of course hasn’t got around to it 🙄. My problem is that if I came off the pill & fell pregnant he would be quite happy about that although he’s also perfectly happy not to have another. However, I’m 100% certain I don’t want another one so won’t take the risk. Anyway, my opinion is that it’s shared responsibility and I feel like after 24 years it’s his turn to do his bit. Definitely have the conversation with him.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 13:38:13

You are removing his choice and his bodily autonomy by forcing this issue

But on the other hand he stands a good chance of getting loads of sex with the woman he loves.

Worked, and is still working, for me.

And him.

Purpleartichoke Thu 11-Apr-19 13:43:11

Of course you can ask. It needs to be given real consideration in weighing your birth control options going forward. The fact that you have accepted the side effects and risks of birth control for so long needs to be a factor in the decision making. Ultimately he can decide not to do it, but that does not mean you have to continue with your current birth control method, especially if it involves hormones.

WBWIFE Thu 11-Apr-19 13:44:54

My DH has offered we only have one DD, we want another and then he wants to book straight in for the snip.

Were married aged 22 and 24, but he is sure he doesn't want more children after two and even surer that if we did divorce and he met someone else that he wouldn't want more children

WBWIFE Thu 11-Apr-19 13:45:14

For now we use condoms as no contraception agrees with me

IntoValhalla Thu 11-Apr-19 13:49:22

It definitely not unreasonable to ask, and have the conversation about it.
DH and I have been together 7 years, married for 5, I’m expecting our 3rd baby in 4 years.
I’ve tried various forms of reversible contraception over the years, and the side effects are horrendous for me, so I stopped trying to find something and we turned to natural family planning and condoms.
My DH is just as sure as I am that this baby will be our last, and has said he will take one for the team and get the snip.
If he was adamant that he didn’t want to do it, then yeah, I think it is a bit unreasonable to push him into it - it’s his body after all.

PCohle Thu 11-Apr-19 14:27:43

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to ask or unreasonable for him to refuse.

However I also think it would be perfectly fair for you to stop taking care of contraception.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 14:53:14

Plain that's actually exactly why I didn't broach the subject after we had dd2. He was still in his 30s then, which I thought was really young, and we both kind of thought we might like a 3rd. He is approaching 50 now, and our kids are in that nice phase of still needing us in some ways, but gaining some independence...I know he doesn't want to go back to the baby stage.

I don't want it to sound like I'm unwilling to just swap coils and ride that out til menopause...I hate condoms as much as he does, so I really wouldn't want to go back to that. It's only come up in my mind because it's time for this coil to come out...it seems like a good opportunity to re-evaluate and figure out what will work for us while I'm still fertile!

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 11-Apr-19 14:56:04

I cannot believe there is any doubt in anyone’s mind as to whether it’s reasonable to ask!

^^ Exactly, she's just asking him what he thinks, not forcing or nagging him to get it done. "How is that removing his bodily autonomy?" hmm

Given your age, OP, I'm not sure that a vasectomy is worth it now. Perhaps you should have the old coil removed and find out how frequent your natural periods are now - you might already be in menopause. Otherwise, could you tolerate the coil for a few more years? I imagine your fertility would be so low post-50 that you may not even need it for 5 years.

My DH has had a vasectomy, btw. We didn't want anymore children (we even discussed how we'd feel if we split up and met new partners - neither of us wanted more DC). I was also quite willing to be sterilised, but it's a more complex procedure than a vasectomy, so he opted for that.

Three weeks later, he was back to normal and our sex life has been great! I know there's a risk of complications, but that's the case with any operation. He's really glad he's had it! grin

gamerchick Thu 11-Apr-19 15:07:11

Why don't you ask him? I don't get the what's the point brigade on here. Menopause starting might not be the best part of 10 year yet. That's a long time for more hormones hmm

Get the coil out, tell him it's condoms only until you see what your libidos up too and would be mind considering the snip if you get the horn back on. No woman should dampen that natural libido all of her adult life, it's not fair.

JacksonvilleJaguars Thu 11-Apr-19 15:22:09

DH is currently having the consultations to have this done.
We're mid 30s and are not having children and after being on the pill for 20+ years it began to serious affect me mentally. I had an honest conversation with DH and asked him what he thought. I'm never putting artificial hormones in my body again and not interested in the copper coil. The only option was condoms and he doesn't really like them so he looked in to snip and decided he wanted it done.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 15:46:02

You've all definitely given me lots to approach DH with!!
I'm glad that a lot of you talked about bodily autonomy...I was conscious of that before, and I was never going to insist that he do it if he was dead set against it(or fearful...because that's a real issue).

I had the Mirena in part because of some awful ppmd...I thought if my periods went, maybe the problem would go. It has helped a bit, but as a PP said, I'm also at an age when my natural periods may very well be waning anyway, so I'd actually rather be able to pay attention to my body's natural rhythms now so I know for sure.

Again, I'm not opposed to the copper coil...I had it after dd2 was born and had no issues with it, but you know, issues can happen, and I also know that I'll have toake the appointments again when the menopause happens and get it removed and all that. With the snip, we're just done with it all.

And to the PP who said I shouldn't live with no libido...you are dead right...I feel like we should be enjoying that part of our relationship now our kids are a little older, and I just have zero interest, which frustrates me! DH never pushes it, but I am quite sure he'd be delighted if I was even slightly more amorous!

Thank you all again...have some good stuff to help guide the conversation now!

ltk Fri 12-Apr-19 07:40:53

Of course it is reasonable to ask. Having the snip is a long long way less invasive and has far fewer side effects than pregnancy, childbirth or female sterilisation.

It's his body in the end. But I would have lost a helluva lot of respect for dh if he'd refused.

ShowOfHands Fri 12-Apr-19 07:50:55

I had many years of hormonal contraception, several miscarriages, 2 pregnancies, 2 long labours and 2 emcs, one of which was traumatic.

DH had one vasectomy.

Guess which one of us had the hardest recovery and ongoing complications?

DH.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 12-Apr-19 07:57:00

It's definitely reasonable to ask, it is not reasonable to expect.

Me and DH agreed we would only have 2 children. I struggle with hormonal contraception and after 2 births and 2 cervical cancer scares I was fed up of having medical devices inside me, so told him after DS was born we'd be using condoms or abstaining from PIV as I had had enough and my body was my responsibility.
He booked a vasectomy and had it 6 weeks after DS was born. He got the all clear in February and our sex life is currently AMAZING.

wombat1a Fri 12-Apr-19 08:03:57

Sorry but with 1 in 10 men having complications from the snip you are vu to push him towards it.

PregnantSea Fri 12-Apr-19 08:04:51

You can ask him but it's his decision. The coil is considered easier because it's not permanent like a vasectomy. That doesn't mean it isn't a huge PITA for you, I hated mine.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy you have no right to push him, that would be wrong. But you have every right to say that you don't want the coil anymore, and tell him to use condoms or just stop having vaginal sex with him.

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 08:09:06

I'm loving how people can turn 'ask' into 'force'. Are you reading a different thread?

swingofthings Fri 12-Apr-19 08:15:05

The thing many women go on mirena after the menopause because they need hrt but this is the only form of progesterone they can tolerate. How would you feel if that was you in a couple of years and your OH had the snip against his true desire but agreed to do it so you didn't need more hormones.

I think considering your age, if it is not something your OH is happy to do, it would be unfair to expect him to. Things could change quickly for you now and eho knows how you'll best manage the perimenopause.

Myoldtable Fri 12-Apr-19 08:18:05

One other option is getting yourself sterilised. I had this done in my mid 40s, one of the best decisions I made. Day surgery, quick recovery, no more worries about contraception

Osirus Fri 12-Apr-19 08:25:00

I don’t think it’s wirth the risk of long term pain at your age. The risk is high, something like 1 in 10 suffer incurable long term pain. With menopause a short ride away, I just wouldn’t want my DH to risk it.

TwoShades1 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:07:42

My partner has said he is quite keen to have a vasectomy after our next child. He said he definitely doesn’t want anymore. And he knows I’ve had issues with hormonal contraception. You should definitely have the conversation, and encourage him to find out more about it before making a choice.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 09:10:46

Not unreasonable to ask at all but given your age I think this would be your final coil before menopause so I’d just do that.

phoenixrosehere Fri 12-Apr-19 09:35:49

Right gamerchick!

She said ask yet some people are acting as if she is trying to force him. Not surprised though, the suggestion that a man should actually do something other than just condoms to ensure he doesn’t impregnate someone always seems to be a no-go for some.

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