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WIBU to ask DH to get the snip?

(84 Posts)
Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:05:06

So, just the basic background: DH and I married 14 years, we are a solid, loving partnership with 2 lovely Dcs now 11 and 13. I'm now in my late 40's, and my current coil expires in a few months.

Every time DH and discuss birth control going forward, we seem to skirt around the snip conversation. I really want him to have it...I've been the one either on the pill or with the coil for the total of our relationship, plus the pregnancies and births of two children. I think he assumes that it's easier and less invasive for me to carry on with the coil, but I'm not sure that's true...from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body, but at the same time, it doesn't feel all that unreasonable to ask him to do it, since I've taken the responsibility all these years.

What are your experiences with this? Is it unreasonable to ask him to do it?

dronesdroppingzopiclone Thu 11-Apr-19 10:48:51

You're both a bit old now, though. Late 40s? You may actually be able to leave the coil you have in now and not have it replaced.

Twotinydictators Thu 11-Apr-19 10:48:59

I would definitely have the conversation. After DC2 my DH said he rather have it completely chopped off than have another baby, so merrily skipped off to have it done grin

In his experience it was quick, not that painful and he recovered quickly with no complications (he did have one hugely swollen testicle for a bit, but that was it!).

TimeIhadaNameChange Thu 11-Apr-19 10:53:05

YANBU, but vasectomy isn't always the easy solution it's thought to be. Although the prostate cancer risk is minimal, some men do suffer from problems afterwards. I think there are one or two on here who have personal experience of this.

Not that I'm saying he shouldn't have one, but you do need to consider the risks.

Ihatehashtags Thu 11-Apr-19 10:54:20

A vasectomy is NOT invasive surgery. It is very straightforward and simple. You’ve put hormones into your body for years, gone through two pregnancies, pushed out two babies and he’s refusing? I’m sorry that would be ade breaker for me. He sounds very selfish and pretty wussy in all honesty.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 10:55:07

I simply explained I was done with people messing with my body so condoms were the only option.

DP ran down to the doctors. Entirely his choice.

EL8888 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:55:57

I would be putting the ball in his court. You have done your bit with pregnancies, Labour and the coil. It’s his turn to do his bit. Whether that’s vasectomy or using condoms

Jaggypinecone Thu 11-Apr-19 10:59:23

My DH had it. After two pregnancies, a long time on the pill and a bad experience with the coil I said I would get sterilised if he didn't want to get the snip. I didn't pressure him to and I would have been quite happy getting sterilised, in a way I almost wish I had as I've had a shite menopause too. But he said I'd been through enough. His recovery was very quick to the extent he was back doing sports within a week.

gruffalomom Thu 11-Apr-19 11:21:50

jaggy getting sterilized wouldn't have made a difference to your menopause smile

It's not unreasonable to ask your hubby to.consider vasectomy but you can't force him. My DH was happy to have the snip but I wanted control of my own body so went for sterilization myself. It's a bigger procedure but I'm so glad I did it.

becauseimbatman Thu 11-Apr-19 11:23:25

It isnt unreasonable to suggest it as part of a wider conversation about birth control. I had one and it was one of the best things I have done. I felt like DW had done her time with hormonal BC (it took about a year for her body to return to normal after she came off the pill to TTC so we really didnt want to start that up again), pregnancy and birth and that it was my turn to step up. Since having it done I feel somehow freer though i don't really know why but i would certainly recommend it to anyone who's family is complete.

StrongerThanIThought76 Thu 11-Apr-19 11:49:57

After 2 babies, 2 massively invasive instrumental vaginal deliveries, 4 kids between us, one testicular cancer diagnosis involving one of them removing, 15 years on the pill and LOTS of problems with my second coil I insisted we went on to use condoms. About 6 months later my DP suggested the snip as he dislikes condoms and prefers sex without.

He had it done a week ago, it'll be a couple of months until he gets the all-clear and he's more than familiar with his ball(s) so happily reports that any discomfort will be worth it.

Also - this from the nhs website about 0.3% increased incidence of prostate cancer (rather than risk - remember there is no actual link here)

www.nhs.uk/news/cancer/vasectomy-associated-prostate-cancer-risk-small/

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 11-Apr-19 11:59:40

DH was the one who brought this up before we had DS, he just said once we've decided we're done having children I'll get the snip, it's not fair it's constantly been up to you and you've been taking horniness all this time. His DF did the same so I think it's quite usual to him. I did say what if something happens and we split and you want to have more children, but he was clear that he didn't just generically want children, he wanted them with me. I'm now undecided if we will stop at the one we have, I'll decide in the next year or so but I think it's likely. DS has reiterated his offer since DS was born.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 11-Apr-19 12:00:23

*hormones not horniness!!!

Gennz18 Thu 11-Apr-19 12:08:48

I cannot believe there is any doubt in anyone’s mind as to whether it’s reasonable to ask!

Of course it’s bloody reasonable.

DH and I have been together 17 years, I’ve had the depo shot, been on the pill, several copper IUDs, 2 hideous pregnancies and 2 c-sections. You bet your boots he’s getting the snip.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 12:28:48

ihatehashtags He's never refused...we've just not had the conversation.

villagesecret Thu 11-Apr-19 12:32:18

Not unreasonable but I think it is unreasonable for him to refuse. I think men need to at some stage step up and if they want sex and no more babies take responsibility for that fact. I think it's the least they can do after everything we go through in child birth and I think less of men who refuse.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 11-Apr-19 12:44:20

from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

This just isnt true. There are implications in 10% of cases and the NHS feel that's very under reported. Because men, generally, wont go with little niggles or pains after.

Ita not unreasonable to ask. It is unreasonable to try and force or guilt someone into it

dronesdroppingzopiclone Thu 11-Apr-19 12:45:11

DH had one about 10 years ago, his suggestion after our third arrived and after I had a nightmare with a coil that went walkies (had to have a scan to find out where it went and a lot of jiggery pockery for the GYN to fish it out) and hella PND. It's been fab!

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 12:48:52

Post vasectomy sex is brilliant btw.

No hormones drugs, no worries, no rubber smell just lots of dirty sex.

Don't know if that helps at allwink

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 12:57:14

windows lol...that is a draw...one of the things I've hated about the Mirena is that it tanked my sex drive! I know I can get the copper one (which didn't effect my s.d. at all), but I really just want to have my libido back so we can enjoy each other again!

tisonlymeagain Thu 11-Apr-19 13:00:31

It's not unreasonable to ask him, but it's perfectly reasonable for him to say no IMO.

pearldeodorant Thu 11-Apr-19 13:11:08

As a medical student I sat in on so so many vasectomies on one placement. OMG the quickest and easiest procedure ever. I really really do think men should get it done. I 100% would if I could. Compared to the risks of long term hormonal contraceptives for women it's a no brainer. And I'm saying this as someone who's studied the evidence and is currently on hormonal contraceptives myself (family incomplete!)

There's no link between prostate cancer and vasectomies either, whoever mentioned that earlier.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 13:13:35

OP the pill and young dc shredded my sex drive. It is amazing to find it again in my 40s.

Bloody teenagers keep getting in the way now!

Meandmetoo Thu 11-Apr-19 13:16:39

Not unreasonable to ask, and he wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse.

Nuttyaboutnutella Thu 11-Apr-19 13:21:18

You can ASK, but you can't pressure him and demand it. I'm due to have out second and final baby next month. We are DONE having children (mutual agreement). My DP knows I've had enough and can't use hormonal contraception. I mentioned to him about getting the snip but he's refused (has a genuine fear of medical procedures). Obviously, I can't force him but he is happy to use condoms for the next 15 odd years until I've finished the menopause. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be having PIV sex either. I'm not putting my body through any more, and I don't expect him to either.

Alsohuman Thu 11-Apr-19 13:27:56

In your late 40s menopause is just round the corner. I wouldn’t ask him to do this to cure a short term problem.

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