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WIBU to ask DH to get the snip?

(84 Posts)
Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:05:06

So, just the basic background: DH and I married 14 years, we are a solid, loving partnership with 2 lovely Dcs now 11 and 13. I'm now in my late 40's, and my current coil expires in a few months.

Every time DH and discuss birth control going forward, we seem to skirt around the snip conversation. I really want him to have it...I've been the one either on the pill or with the coil for the total of our relationship, plus the pregnancies and births of two children. I think he assumes that it's easier and less invasive for me to carry on with the coil, but I'm not sure that's true...from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body, but at the same time, it doesn't feel all that unreasonable to ask him to do it, since I've taken the responsibility all these years.

What are your experiences with this? Is it unreasonable to ask him to do it?

kaytee87 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:07:49

Well if he doesn't want surgery then you can't force the issue. You can however; abstain from piv sex, ask him to use condoms, or carry on with the coil.
Have you explained to him that getting a coil actually is quite invasive?

PurpleFlower1983 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:08:06

In my opinion, it’s unreasonable to ask him but I know many would disagree.

Are you willing to consider sterilisation?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:08:29

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask him. After all you've put up with it's the least he can do. It's his turn to take responsibility now.

blackteasplease Thu 11-Apr-19 10:10:22

YANBU at all to ask but you obviously can't make him or put unfair pressure on him.

But also yanbu to come off your hormonal contraception. It's no as consequence free as men seem to think.

Condoms are a good option if used properly. Or you don't have to have sex if you don't want to use any hormones.

Ironymaiden Thu 11-Apr-19 10:10:50

Not unreasonable to ask but equally it is not unreasonable for him to refuse. I would see it as pregnancy having the most effect on you, therefore you do what you need to do to protect your body. You can’t expect someone else to have an operation to protect your body.

Helspopje Thu 11-Apr-19 10:13:42

Given the possible side effects of vasectomy and your age, wouldn’t a more reasonable option to either leave the current could alone and have it be a standard iud or swop one last time for (what I presume is a hormonal) iud as surely a further 5y stint would take you to the menopause

Thesearmsofmine Thu 11-Apr-19 10:15:57

Not unreasonable to ask him as part of a discussion about contraception but of course it isn’t unreasonable for him to refuse either.

AverageMan Thu 11-Apr-19 10:18:14

Not unreasonable. Had it done after our 2nd child, after my wife asked me. It was a quick and easy procedure. Takes a big weight off not having to worry about contraception for either of us.

Takethebuscuitandthesink Thu 11-Apr-19 10:18:57

Not unreasonable to ask as long as you instantly accept if the answer is no and he doesn’t feel pressured by you.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:19:37

I really appreciate your responses, thank you, and you've all said at least something that I have thought about before, so I think that's probably good.

GreytExpectations Thu 11-Apr-19 10:20:21

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body

This is the main point. It is unreasonable to ask anyone (man or woman) what to do with their body. Plain and simple- it doesn't matter how easy you think the procedure is.
You don't want to use the coil? Fair enough- he needs to use a condom them. He doesn't want to use a condom? Fair enough, he needs to pick another method that you both agree with.

Prevention should be a joint thing.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 11-Apr-19 10:20:45

what kaytee87 posted.

Jizzle Thu 11-Apr-19 10:21:25

YABVU. You can certainly ask, but he has every right to say no to what is essentially quite invasive surgery, not to mention the increased prostate cancer risk that comes with a vasectomy.

TacoLover Thu 11-Apr-19 10:22:16

This is the main point. It is unreasonable to ask anyone (man or woman) what to do with their body. Plain and simple- it doesn't matter how easy you think the procedure is. You don't want to use the coil? Fair enough- he needs to use a condom them. He doesn't want to use a condom? Fair enough, he needs to pick another method that you both agree with. Prevention should be a joint thing.

This.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:24:07

Ooo.. I didn't realise that there was an increased prostate cancer link!! Definitely not then, he already has that in his family history, so I'd hate to increase his risk further.

I really appreciate your feedback...I kind of knew the answer, it's just good to get some validation from the outside.

AverageMan Thu 11-Apr-19 10:25:49

There's no link between a vasectomy and prostate cancer, stop with the BS

Thesearmsofmine Thu 11-Apr-19 10:28:57

I think you just need to have a discussion with him. Say you don’t really want another coil and talk about the other options.

My DH had a vasectomy, we were never told of any increased risk of prostrate cancer.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 10:30:14

I agree, Grey, and I think that's why I needed to hear from others; I've always taken the responsibility, and haven't minded, and DH hasn't ever dictated whatever method I've chosen, but neither has he ever said "hey...you've done this all these years, how about I go get sorted now". He hasn't had to really think about it, and to be honest, I haven't loved the Mirena, but I haven't really had any truly awful experiences with any BC, so haven't complained!

Meowzzz Thu 11-Apr-19 10:34:10

It's a sensitive one, myself and DP are still young, no kids yet. I've had no end of trouble with contraception not agreeing with me. We've discussed and after me bearing the responsibility of bc including side effects, then at some point children, it's then his time to go through the snip so I can be hormone free. He feels like it'd be his turn to suffer I suppose!

phoenixrosehere Thu 11-Apr-19 10:37:33

Yanbu.

As a couple you should be considering and exploring ALL options not just the ones that only effect your body.

scaevola Thu 11-Apr-19 10:39:59

I think it's reasonable to ask .

But not reasonable to do so in terms of taking turns (that wouid mean a turn at reversible contraception) or in te ms of physical effects of childbirth (something men simply cannot take a turn at.

The bid risk from vasectomy is that, though the procedure may be quick, it carries a 1:10 risk if the serious complications (those involving months of pain, some of which cannot be treated effectively even by de-nervation or orchidectomy) or require further surgery. If he is disinclined to take this risk, or simply does not want surgery to render him infertile, you have to respect that it is his body and his choice.

ifoundthebread Thu 11-Apr-19 10:41:27

Don't skirt around it, just bluntly ask him. Hey hunny, my coils due out in a few months. How would you feel about getting the snip?

GreytExpectations Thu 11-Apr-19 10:45:58

@Sweetbabycheezits I totally get it. with my DH and I, I've always taken responsibility by my own choice as I was on the pill and didn't mind. Well, now that we hope to TTC in the next 6 months-1 year, I wanted to stop taking the pill and use condoms to allow my body to normalize. Condoms aren't ideal for my DH but he is happy to wear them as I don't want to be on the pill. So it works

MillicentMartha Thu 11-Apr-19 10:46:28

My exH had the snip after DS3 was born. He had no problems, was back on his motorbike within a couple of days. I’d had a cervical cancer scare so was adverse to going on to hormonal contraception.

It wasn’t until I’d seen threads on MN that I found out that there’s a risk of continuing pain with a vasectomy. Not sure of the figures but something like 10% of men get some post operative pain that doesn’t go away.

I’m glad exH had the snip, it meant years of worry free sex and also, once he had his mid life crisis and left for the OW, he wasn’t going to be having any more DC with her! wink

dronesdroppingzopiclone Thu 11-Apr-19 10:48:51

You're both a bit old now, though. Late 40s? You may actually be able to leave the coil you have in now and not have it replaced.

Twotinydictators Thu 11-Apr-19 10:48:59

I would definitely have the conversation. After DC2 my DH said he rather have it completely chopped off than have another baby, so merrily skipped off to have it done grin

In his experience it was quick, not that painful and he recovered quickly with no complications (he did have one hugely swollen testicle for a bit, but that was it!).

TimeIhadaNameChange Thu 11-Apr-19 10:53:05

YANBU, but vasectomy isn't always the easy solution it's thought to be. Although the prostate cancer risk is minimal, some men do suffer from problems afterwards. I think there are one or two on here who have personal experience of this.

Not that I'm saying he shouldn't have one, but you do need to consider the risks.

Ihatehashtags Thu 11-Apr-19 10:54:20

A vasectomy is NOT invasive surgery. It is very straightforward and simple. You’ve put hormones into your body for years, gone through two pregnancies, pushed out two babies and he’s refusing? I’m sorry that would be ade breaker for me. He sounds very selfish and pretty wussy in all honesty.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 10:55:07

I simply explained I was done with people messing with my body so condoms were the only option.

DP ran down to the doctors. Entirely his choice.

EL8888 Thu 11-Apr-19 10:55:57

I would be putting the ball in his court. You have done your bit with pregnancies, Labour and the coil. It’s his turn to do his bit. Whether that’s vasectomy or using condoms

Jaggypinecone Thu 11-Apr-19 10:59:23

My DH had it. After two pregnancies, a long time on the pill and a bad experience with the coil I said I would get sterilised if he didn't want to get the snip. I didn't pressure him to and I would have been quite happy getting sterilised, in a way I almost wish I had as I've had a shite menopause too. But he said I'd been through enough. His recovery was very quick to the extent he was back doing sports within a week.

gruffalomom Thu 11-Apr-19 11:21:50

jaggy getting sterilized wouldn't have made a difference to your menopause smile

It's not unreasonable to ask your hubby to.consider vasectomy but you can't force him. My DH was happy to have the snip but I wanted control of my own body so went for sterilization myself. It's a bigger procedure but I'm so glad I did it.

becauseimbatman Thu 11-Apr-19 11:23:25

It isnt unreasonable to suggest it as part of a wider conversation about birth control. I had one and it was one of the best things I have done. I felt like DW had done her time with hormonal BC (it took about a year for her body to return to normal after she came off the pill to TTC so we really didnt want to start that up again), pregnancy and birth and that it was my turn to step up. Since having it done I feel somehow freer though i don't really know why but i would certainly recommend it to anyone who's family is complete.

StrongerThanIThought76 Thu 11-Apr-19 11:49:57

After 2 babies, 2 massively invasive instrumental vaginal deliveries, 4 kids between us, one testicular cancer diagnosis involving one of them removing, 15 years on the pill and LOTS of problems with my second coil I insisted we went on to use condoms. About 6 months later my DP suggested the snip as he dislikes condoms and prefers sex without.

He had it done a week ago, it'll be a couple of months until he gets the all-clear and he's more than familiar with his ball(s) so happily reports that any discomfort will be worth it.

Also - this from the nhs website about 0.3% increased incidence of prostate cancer (rather than risk - remember there is no actual link here)

www.nhs.uk/news/cancer/vasectomy-associated-prostate-cancer-risk-small/

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 11-Apr-19 11:59:40

DH was the one who brought this up before we had DS, he just said once we've decided we're done having children I'll get the snip, it's not fair it's constantly been up to you and you've been taking horniness all this time. His DF did the same so I think it's quite usual to him. I did say what if something happens and we split and you want to have more children, but he was clear that he didn't just generically want children, he wanted them with me. I'm now undecided if we will stop at the one we have, I'll decide in the next year or so but I think it's likely. DS has reiterated his offer since DS was born.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 11-Apr-19 12:00:23

*hormones not horniness!!!

Gennz18 Thu 11-Apr-19 12:08:48

I cannot believe there is any doubt in anyone’s mind as to whether it’s reasonable to ask!

Of course it’s bloody reasonable.

DH and I have been together 17 years, I’ve had the depo shot, been on the pill, several copper IUDs, 2 hideous pregnancies and 2 c-sections. You bet your boots he’s getting the snip.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 12:28:48

ihatehashtags He's never refused...we've just not had the conversation.

villagesecret Thu 11-Apr-19 12:32:18

Not unreasonable but I think it is unreasonable for him to refuse. I think men need to at some stage step up and if they want sex and no more babies take responsibility for that fact. I think it's the least they can do after everything we go through in child birth and I think less of men who refuse.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 11-Apr-19 12:44:20

from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

This just isnt true. There are implications in 10% of cases and the NHS feel that's very under reported. Because men, generally, wont go with little niggles or pains after.

Ita not unreasonable to ask. It is unreasonable to try and force or guilt someone into it

dronesdroppingzopiclone Thu 11-Apr-19 12:45:11

DH had one about 10 years ago, his suggestion after our third arrived and after I had a nightmare with a coil that went walkies (had to have a scan to find out where it went and a lot of jiggery pockery for the GYN to fish it out) and hella PND. It's been fab!

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 12:48:52

Post vasectomy sex is brilliant btw.

No hormones drugs, no worries, no rubber smell just lots of dirty sex.

Don't know if that helps at allwink

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 12:57:14

windows lol...that is a draw...one of the things I've hated about the Mirena is that it tanked my sex drive! I know I can get the copper one (which didn't effect my s.d. at all), but I really just want to have my libido back so we can enjoy each other again!

tisonlymeagain Thu 11-Apr-19 13:00:31

It's not unreasonable to ask him, but it's perfectly reasonable for him to say no IMO.

pearldeodorant Thu 11-Apr-19 13:11:08

As a medical student I sat in on so so many vasectomies on one placement. OMG the quickest and easiest procedure ever. I really really do think men should get it done. I 100% would if I could. Compared to the risks of long term hormonal contraceptives for women it's a no brainer. And I'm saying this as someone who's studied the evidence and is currently on hormonal contraceptives myself (family incomplete!)

There's no link between prostate cancer and vasectomies either, whoever mentioned that earlier.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 13:13:35

OP the pill and young dc shredded my sex drive. It is amazing to find it again in my 40s.

Bloody teenagers keep getting in the way now!

Meandmetoo Thu 11-Apr-19 13:16:39

Not unreasonable to ask, and he wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse.

Nuttyaboutnutella Thu 11-Apr-19 13:21:18

You can ASK, but you can't pressure him and demand it. I'm due to have out second and final baby next month. We are DONE having children (mutual agreement). My DP knows I've had enough and can't use hormonal contraception. I mentioned to him about getting the snip but he's refused (has a genuine fear of medical procedures). Obviously, I can't force him but he is happy to use condoms for the next 15 odd years until I've finished the menopause. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be having PIV sex either. I'm not putting my body through any more, and I don't expect him to either.

Alsohuman Thu 11-Apr-19 13:27:56

In your late 40s menopause is just round the corner. I wouldn’t ask him to do this to cure a short term problem.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 11-Apr-19 13:31:21

I YOU are certain YOU dont want any more children, then YOU have the operation. He may well want another family at some point, but you do not. Harsh, but there are no certainties in this life that you wont be hit by a bus tomorrow. You are removing his choice and his bodily autonomy by forcing this issue.

Sunshine196 Thu 11-Apr-19 13:36:17

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you at all. I’ve been on the pill for 24 years & had 2 babies. We don’t want anymore kids so I actually don’t think I’m asking anything unfair of my husband to have the snip. He has agreed but of course hasn’t got around to it 🙄. My problem is that if I came off the pill & fell pregnant he would be quite happy about that although he’s also perfectly happy not to have another. However, I’m 100% certain I don’t want another one so won’t take the risk. Anyway, my opinion is that it’s shared responsibility and I feel like after 24 years it’s his turn to do his bit. Definitely have the conversation with him.

Windowsareforcheaters Thu 11-Apr-19 13:38:13

You are removing his choice and his bodily autonomy by forcing this issue

But on the other hand he stands a good chance of getting loads of sex with the woman he loves.

Worked, and is still working, for me.

And him.

Purpleartichoke Thu 11-Apr-19 13:43:11

Of course you can ask. It needs to be given real consideration in weighing your birth control options going forward. The fact that you have accepted the side effects and risks of birth control for so long needs to be a factor in the decision making. Ultimately he can decide not to do it, but that does not mean you have to continue with your current birth control method, especially if it involves hormones.

WBWIFE Thu 11-Apr-19 13:44:54

My DH has offered we only have one DD, we want another and then he wants to book straight in for the snip.

Were married aged 22 and 24, but he is sure he doesn't want more children after two and even surer that if we did divorce and he met someone else that he wouldn't want more children

WBWIFE Thu 11-Apr-19 13:45:14

For now we use condoms as no contraception agrees with me

IntoValhalla Thu 11-Apr-19 13:49:22

It definitely not unreasonable to ask, and have the conversation about it.
DH and I have been together 7 years, married for 5, I’m expecting our 3rd baby in 4 years.
I’ve tried various forms of reversible contraception over the years, and the side effects are horrendous for me, so I stopped trying to find something and we turned to natural family planning and condoms.
My DH is just as sure as I am that this baby will be our last, and has said he will take one for the team and get the snip.
If he was adamant that he didn’t want to do it, then yeah, I think it is a bit unreasonable to push him into it - it’s his body after all.

PCohle Thu 11-Apr-19 14:27:43

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to ask or unreasonable for him to refuse.

However I also think it would be perfectly fair for you to stop taking care of contraception.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 14:53:14

Plain that's actually exactly why I didn't broach the subject after we had dd2. He was still in his 30s then, which I thought was really young, and we both kind of thought we might like a 3rd. He is approaching 50 now, and our kids are in that nice phase of still needing us in some ways, but gaining some independence...I know he doesn't want to go back to the baby stage.

I don't want it to sound like I'm unwilling to just swap coils and ride that out til menopause...I hate condoms as much as he does, so I really wouldn't want to go back to that. It's only come up in my mind because it's time for this coil to come out...it seems like a good opportunity to re-evaluate and figure out what will work for us while I'm still fertile!

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 11-Apr-19 14:56:04

I cannot believe there is any doubt in anyone’s mind as to whether it’s reasonable to ask!

^^ Exactly, she's just asking him what he thinks, not forcing or nagging him to get it done. "How is that removing his bodily autonomy?" hmm

Given your age, OP, I'm not sure that a vasectomy is worth it now. Perhaps you should have the old coil removed and find out how frequent your natural periods are now - you might already be in menopause. Otherwise, could you tolerate the coil for a few more years? I imagine your fertility would be so low post-50 that you may not even need it for 5 years.

My DH has had a vasectomy, btw. We didn't want anymore children (we even discussed how we'd feel if we split up and met new partners - neither of us wanted more DC). I was also quite willing to be sterilised, but it's a more complex procedure than a vasectomy, so he opted for that.

Three weeks later, he was back to normal and our sex life has been great! I know there's a risk of complications, but that's the case with any operation. He's really glad he's had it! grin

gamerchick Thu 11-Apr-19 15:07:11

Why don't you ask him? I don't get the what's the point brigade on here. Menopause starting might not be the best part of 10 year yet. That's a long time for more hormones hmm

Get the coil out, tell him it's condoms only until you see what your libidos up too and would be mind considering the snip if you get the horn back on. No woman should dampen that natural libido all of her adult life, it's not fair.

JacksonvilleJaguars Thu 11-Apr-19 15:22:09

DH is currently having the consultations to have this done.
We're mid 30s and are not having children and after being on the pill for 20+ years it began to serious affect me mentally. I had an honest conversation with DH and asked him what he thought. I'm never putting artificial hormones in my body again and not interested in the copper coil. The only option was condoms and he doesn't really like them so he looked in to snip and decided he wanted it done.

Sweetbabycheezits Thu 11-Apr-19 15:46:02

You've all definitely given me lots to approach DH with!!
I'm glad that a lot of you talked about bodily autonomy...I was conscious of that before, and I was never going to insist that he do it if he was dead set against it(or fearful...because that's a real issue).

I had the Mirena in part because of some awful ppmd...I thought if my periods went, maybe the problem would go. It has helped a bit, but as a PP said, I'm also at an age when my natural periods may very well be waning anyway, so I'd actually rather be able to pay attention to my body's natural rhythms now so I know for sure.

Again, I'm not opposed to the copper coil...I had it after dd2 was born and had no issues with it, but you know, issues can happen, and I also know that I'll have toake the appointments again when the menopause happens and get it removed and all that. With the snip, we're just done with it all.

And to the PP who said I shouldn't live with no libido...you are dead right...I feel like we should be enjoying that part of our relationship now our kids are a little older, and I just have zero interest, which frustrates me! DH never pushes it, but I am quite sure he'd be delighted if I was even slightly more amorous!

Thank you all again...have some good stuff to help guide the conversation now!

ltk Fri 12-Apr-19 07:40:53

Of course it is reasonable to ask. Having the snip is a long long way less invasive and has far fewer side effects than pregnancy, childbirth or female sterilisation.

It's his body in the end. But I would have lost a helluva lot of respect for dh if he'd refused.

ShowOfHands Fri 12-Apr-19 07:50:55

I had many years of hormonal contraception, several miscarriages, 2 pregnancies, 2 long labours and 2 emcs, one of which was traumatic.

DH had one vasectomy.

Guess which one of us had the hardest recovery and ongoing complications?

DH.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 12-Apr-19 07:57:00

It's definitely reasonable to ask, it is not reasonable to expect.

Me and DH agreed we would only have 2 children. I struggle with hormonal contraception and after 2 births and 2 cervical cancer scares I was fed up of having medical devices inside me, so told him after DS was born we'd be using condoms or abstaining from PIV as I had had enough and my body was my responsibility.
He booked a vasectomy and had it 6 weeks after DS was born. He got the all clear in February and our sex life is currently AMAZING.

wombat1a Fri 12-Apr-19 08:03:57

Sorry but with 1 in 10 men having complications from the snip you are vu to push him towards it.

PregnantSea Fri 12-Apr-19 08:04:51

You can ask him but it's his decision. The coil is considered easier because it's not permanent like a vasectomy. That doesn't mean it isn't a huge PITA for you, I hated mine.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy you have no right to push him, that would be wrong. But you have every right to say that you don't want the coil anymore, and tell him to use condoms or just stop having vaginal sex with him.

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 08:09:06

I'm loving how people can turn 'ask' into 'force'. Are you reading a different thread?

swingofthings Fri 12-Apr-19 08:15:05

The thing many women go on mirena after the menopause because they need hrt but this is the only form of progesterone they can tolerate. How would you feel if that was you in a couple of years and your OH had the snip against his true desire but agreed to do it so you didn't need more hormones.

I think considering your age, if it is not something your OH is happy to do, it would be unfair to expect him to. Things could change quickly for you now and eho knows how you'll best manage the perimenopause.

Myoldtable Fri 12-Apr-19 08:18:05

One other option is getting yourself sterilised. I had this done in my mid 40s, one of the best decisions I made. Day surgery, quick recovery, no more worries about contraception

Osirus Fri 12-Apr-19 08:25:00

I don’t think it’s wirth the risk of long term pain at your age. The risk is high, something like 1 in 10 suffer incurable long term pain. With menopause a short ride away, I just wouldn’t want my DH to risk it.

TwoShades1 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:07:42

My partner has said he is quite keen to have a vasectomy after our next child. He said he definitely doesn’t want anymore. And he knows I’ve had issues with hormonal contraception. You should definitely have the conversation, and encourage him to find out more about it before making a choice.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 09:10:46

Not unreasonable to ask at all but given your age I think this would be your final coil before menopause so I’d just do that.

phoenixrosehere Fri 12-Apr-19 09:35:49

Right gamerchick!

She said ask yet some people are acting as if she is trying to force him. Not surprised though, the suggestion that a man should actually do something other than just condoms to ensure he doesn’t impregnate someone always seems to be a no-go for some.

dronesdroppingzopiclone Fri 12-Apr-19 10:43:37

One other option is getting yourself sterilised. I had this done in my mid 40s, one of the best decisions I made. Day surgery, quick recovery, no more worries about contraception

NHS funding for female sterilisation is very limited and in some trusts, non existent. And it is not a quick recovery for a good many patients, in fact, they show up on this board shocked at how much pain they're in when they were sold a 'day surgery, quick recovery' bill of goods.

And as for '1 in 10 men have complications from vasectomy', female sterilisation comes with a pretty nasty complication potential for ectopic pregnancy that can lead to, oh, major surgery and/or death.

It's actually a fairly common side effect of the Mirena to lose libido, OP.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:38:39

Someone mentioned that the OP might not go through menopause for another 10 years. That's true, but the average age is 51 and the chances of getting pregnant with your own eggs after 50 are TINY - something like 1%.

I'm guessing the OP is about 48 so even now, the chances are v. slim - perhaps another coil would be the most logical solution as sterilisation for either of you seems unnecessary at this point.?

One of my friends had her third DC at 47, but that's v. rare!

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 14:42:58

So just stick with hormones 'just in case'? Never feel what the natural libido feels like after years of hormonal contraception? That's fair is it?

Just so the poor men doesn't have to get the snip?

Christ.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:52:56

@gamerchick

My DH has had the snip so I'm in favour of it generally - but is it worth it for literally a couple of years?

Tbh, in the OP's shoes I'd probably get the old coil removed, see how regular my cycle really is (I'm 45 and although regular, mine have got shorter so I know my fertility's on the wane) and risk unprotected sex.
The likelihood of her getting pregnant is so small.

But, she thinks she needs some form of contraception so a short-term coil (perhaps copper?) could be a solution. Or condoms, but she said they hate them so no point saying use them. hmm

gamerchick Fri 12-Apr-19 15:00:49

A couple of years of good sex? Course it's worth it.

Again you're saying a couple, nobody knows when menopause will hit. You can have a rough guide looking at your mother maybe. But why should woman have to take hormones that can surpress libido right up until menopause? Any decent bloke would take one for the team imo.

Autumn101 Fri 12-Apr-19 15:10:21

Not unreasonable to ask at all! Contraception is a joint responsibility in a relationship and all options should be able to be discussed openly.

My DH has the snip last year, our DC are 9 and 10. After DS2 I found hormonal contraceptives didn’t suit me at all so we used condoms. Neither of us really liked them so we talked through the options and he was happy to get a vasectomy.

Back to normal within a week and like a PP it’s done wonders for our sex life!!! No risk of pregnancy or remembering to take pills, just enjoyment. DH said it’s the best thing he’s ever done

Windowsareforcheaters Fri 12-Apr-19 15:23:57

A couple of years of good sex? Course it's worth it.

100% this.

It depends how important sex is to you. Post vasectomy sex has massively improved the quality and quantity of sex we have which has had a positive impact on our relationship.

dronesdroppingzopiclone Fri 12-Apr-19 19:57:10

Post vasectomy sex has definitely been brilliant! I'm 48 now, and although still regular, I, too, have short periods with a lot of sweating and flushes right before coming on, so definitely on the wane, but it's wonderful to not have to worry!

It is an issue if sex is important to them and the Mirena has lowered her libido. This IS a known and fairly common side effect.

I'd personally not have a replacement and use condoms until you can see how your cycle is behaving at this age.

BagelDog Fri 12-Apr-19 20:06:55

Just want to pipe up as quite a few people seem to think that if late forties and irregular periods then you can not be too worried about a pregnancy.... the bit of the perimenopause where you are having short or irregular cycles is also the bit when your fsh surges can be massive. Pregnancy is less likely but far far from impossible, multiples become far more likely, pregnancies get more complex. So yes it is less likely but no way to the extent you can stop worrying about contraception, esp as irregular cycles mean pregnancy is sometimes spotted later. Very bright friend who is a doctor in a relevant specialty just had baby four aged 53 and only spotted it at about 14 weeks... no you can’t demans he have a vasectomy, but you can have a frank discussion about contraception and which options are unacceptable to you, so you can decide as a couple what to do next. Vasectomy side effects and complication rates are widely available, as are those for female sterilisation. You each have to weigh up the probability of those side effects against the impact they would have on you. Marie Stopes have quite a good leaflet on each on the website I think. Condoms properly used can be good. But it needs to be a discussion.

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