To call it quits(4 Posts)
I know some of this is wrong. Please no judgement for my mental health issues. I'm working on them.
(Sorry it's long)
My fiancé and I have been together 7 years this year and have a 3 year old DD. Well settled in house (rented) and generally just settled as a family unit.
I have a history of depression and possible BPD as well as self harm. I was going through some things last year and took myself back to counselling. It stoped suddenly due to me missing two sessions because of childcare issues and I spiralled out of control. Started self harming a small amount (never with DD in the house, all stuff locked away etc) and DF didn't take it well.
He has been less than supportive of my mental health and generally our relationship hasn't been doing well
For a while due to issues with us and not my depression. I tried to take to him on Sunday about our issues (him generally being unsupportive with housework, childcare, sleeping a lot (even when me or DD are just trying to talk to him) and generally not pulling his weight. This has gone on for years but I think that his lack of empathy with me trying my hardest to push through this was enough to warrant a talk.
He blamed everything on my mental health and my hormones and it really really upset me. He says he's walking on egg shells all that time because HE doesn't want to be the reason 'I'm sad' (all my MH issues are from past trauma he knows about) our issues with the relationship are totally separate. For a few weeks we have been playing happy families in public and with DD but when alone we separate, do our own things and now we don't even sleep in the same bed
I think I am done with the relationship or something really major is going to have to happen for me to want to stay because it's just adding to my issues I'm trying really hard to get through.
One of my worries is that ending it will obviously be hard and another load on top of what I'm working on with myself. Am I just going to be making it harder for myself? What about DD?
Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? I really don't know what to do.
I can't tell you what to do about your relationship. But I can give you a huge internet hug and tell you that you need to take care of yourself. If you can, try to get yourself back to the doctor and get help. It's not weak to need help and your mental health is important! You don't have to be alone, you're not alone.
One of my worries is that ending it will obviously be hard and another load on top of what I'm working on with myself.
I disagree actually. I think with him out of the way, you will have more headspace to focus on yourself and your DD.
You've already said he's not pulling his weight; at least you won't have to clear up after him like I'm assuming you're currently doing.
Are you still having counselling? If so please talk to your counsellor about this.
He says he's walking on egg shells all that time because HE doesn't want to be the reason 'I'm sad' This is SUCH a selfish attitude. It's also total bullshit. He knows he's got it easy, and he's using your MH issues a a stick to beat you with.
Your mental health is so much more important than appeasing him. Your DD needs you to be happy and healthy and I don't think that will happen if you continue with the relationship.
Please don't marry him. Please do seek more help for your MH though. You sound very self aware which is a massively positive thing. You know you're spiralling and you can get things back under control, but please take steps now.
He is no help to you whatsoever. In fact, I think he is more harm than help, even just in terms of his attitude.
I think you've already realised you need to end the relationship. Please have the courage to put yourself first. You ARE worth it.
Thanks for the replies
I'm currently on a waiting list for intensive cbt and then counselling but the list is quite long (3-4 months) so I've just got to plod along until then.
Think I will try and have another chat with him tonight but I just don't know how it's going to go down anymore.
Splitting up and someone moving is a big job I don't know if I have the mental space for but I suppose that it's just moving one thing out of my head (him) for another (the move)
Not sure if I should wait until I'm back in therapy before I try and move out. Should be able to save some money in those months too.
It's so hard, I'm really struggling. Had to go and see family today so put my engagement ring back on to keep face for now. Stupid the things we do to keep up appearances
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