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AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

(597 Posts)
NotReadyForThisX2 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:10:03

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

formerbabe Wed 10-Apr-19 19:11:12

I wouldn't but I think I'm going to be in the minority here.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 19:11:16

I think in this instance I would stay well out of it tbh.

cantwait2bfree Wed 10-Apr-19 19:13:12

Mhh he’s right. stay out of

cantwait2bfree Wed 10-Apr-19 19:13:27


Order654 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:13:59

I’d tell her if she was a actual friend of mine.

But if you can’t do it in person.. make a fake Facebook and send a message. Send a letter etc so it doesn’t directly link to you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 10-Apr-19 19:14:01

I would. Yes it'll break her heart. However its better she finds out now than after 10 years of mariage.

Morgan12 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:14:38

Really hard situation.

I'd be tempted to stay out of it. Howver, I was being cheated on once and a few people knew. People I was spending time with. Looking back I feel such a fool that all these people knew and I didn't. It's horrible.

ems137 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:15:40

I'd definitely tell her somehow. I'd either make it anonymous or speak to one of her close friends or family members.

Order654 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:15:46

Everyone that went on the stag do must know and then most of their partners would know as well so it could of been sent from anyone.

Give enough details on it.

Windowsareforcheaters Wed 10-Apr-19 19:16:38

Would you want to marry a liar and a cheat? Also, how many blokes on the stag do? A liar and a cheat and loads of people at the wedding know but not you?

What total humiliation for that poor woman.

MikeUniformMike Wed 10-Apr-19 19:17:32

Stay well out of it. It's nothing to do with you.

NotReadyForThisX2 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:19:33

That's the thing @Morgan12. All the men know and I'm presuming I'm not the only partner who's been told. I go out with her, I'm going on the hen do and going to the wedding, I'll feel like a fraud doing those things when I know this.

But Dp has been friends with him longer and he thinks that gives him the say.

Fiveredbricks Wed 10-Apr-19 19:20:18

Depends... How did he cheat? Was it a snog session or did he end up going the full monty?

Aimily Wed 10-Apr-19 19:20:53

I think I'd opt to stay out of it personally. It's heresy and gossip, I know he's admitted it to your oh, but you haven't been told by him direct so is she going to believe it?

MikeUniformMike Wed 10-Apr-19 19:21:06

You will be the messenger and she'll hate you not him. She will still go into the marriage but unhappily. You'll probably be dumped as friends. It could create a permanent rift between you and your DP.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 19:22:50



NotReadyForThisX2 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:23:31

I've got prove as Dp found out from a WhatsApp group chat the groom was in and even a photo of the woman in question was added.
Although Dp did think they might have been exaggerating and he'd just kissed her (the photo shows that) and they were teasing him. Speaking in person his friend admitted it to Dp though and is apparently very sorry, was drunk and all that. Dp says to the best of his knowledge he never has before and doesn't think he will again so we don't say anything.

WineGummyBear Wed 10-Apr-19 19:23:36

Unfortunately this is a lose lose situation for you.

In her shoes, I honestly can't imagine any circumstances where I'd rather not know the truth. And the sooner the better.

But you have this information 3rd hand, and you'd have to break your partner's confidence to do anything. Which really complicates things.

Sorry that's not much help at all.

I think in your shoes I'd lobby my partner hard, really really hard to give me permission to break his confidence and tell. This woman deserves the opportunity to make her own choice about committing to an unfaithful person.

WineGummyBear Wed 10-Apr-19 19:25:12

Just seen your update... And changed my position

It's not really clear that he did cheat. I think you should keep quiet.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 19:25:35

A snog?

I couldn’t care less if my DH had snogged someone on his stag do.

Shagged yes.

NotReadyForThisX2 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:26:58

If I said something I'd tell her face to face. If we lose friends over it, so be it. Dp would back me up and admit what his friend said if it came to it I know that. He wouldn't be happy about it but he wouldn't let me look like a liar if his friend denied it.
I guess then it would be if she believed my Dp or not but what reason does he have to lie.

Bluntness100 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:27:16

I'd stay out of it, your partner told you in confidence, and I would feel respecting that confidence in this scenario is more important than telling her.

It may also be exactly what it says on the tin, a drunken one night stand never to be repeated, and I couldn't be the one to possibly end their relationship, if there is a chance they get married and have a long and happy marriage, with no further cheating, if she didn't know.

So no, I would not betray my partner's confidence.

Bobbiepin Wed 10-Apr-19 19:28:14

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Stay out of it.

Bluntness100 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:29:13

Just seen the update.

A snog? A drunken snog? Are you off your head?

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