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Child maintenance, am I in the wrong?

(111 Posts)
RR94 Wed 10-Apr-19 18:02:28

For a little bit of background I'm 24 and have a 5 year old and 3 year old with my ex. We broke up when child 2 was 6 weeks old. Although horrific at the time we managed to have a good parenting relationship afterwards and have always shared child care costs relatively equally.

I work 4 days a week - I pay 40% of childcare and my ex pays 60% (as I'm working for one day less). I have the kids 9 days of every 14.

My ex has been with his fiance for 2 years and she is pregnant.

I have been with my boyfriend for around 18 months. We are moving in together in June.

My ex now wants to reduce how much he pays as my boyfriend is 10 years old than me, has no kids and earns a significant amount more than my ex (and me). So he sees no reason to still pay as much. I said they are still his kids etc but his response was 'you wont have to pay for anything with the house or shopping when you live with him'. In my view this is none of his business....

Am I being unreasonable here?

CanILeavenowplease Sat 13-Apr-19 11:34:38

was you and him having a third child then then your first two would have proportionately less spent on them- that’s just what happens when family size increases

It’s not the OP having ana editions al child, is it? What you’re saying is that it is fine to have additional children, reduce the income of a household who had no say in that decision to have additional children as a consequence and expect that other household to pick up the financial slack that causes.

He’s been over paying (much more than legally obliged) and has your children 5/14

Legally calculated child maintenance is widely agreed to not meet the sides when it comes to the true costs of bringing up a child. He also has his own children, not the OP’s children. It’s parenting, not some kind of babysitting as a favour.

Silvanna Sat 13-Apr-19 11:40:02

The fact that you have someone else in your life doesn't change his parental responsibilities. However his payments should decrease when his new baby is born.

miranda1511 Sat 13-Apr-19 11:48:37

When my husband and his former wife separated my husband paid over and above what he was legally obligated to pay. He had his daughter 2 nights a week, more if required and did clothing, holidays as well. Because he wanted to take care of his daughter.

Smumzo Sat 13-Apr-19 11:54:15

@CanILeavenowplease Both households will and can make decisions that will affect the other. That's just how it is when you split up and form two new households. If you couldn't agree how to run the household you had together you're not going to agree how to run two separate households. It's just not realistic. There is no appetite nor should there be to legislate into people's personal lives to that extent.

CanILeavenowplease Sat 13-Apr-19 11:57:16

Yeah. Great. That it can’t be dealt with legally is one thing. Expecting your ex to finance additional children - which is what it comes down to - is quite another.

SparklySneakers Sat 13-Apr-19 11:57:38

Legally via the cms you'd get very little due to how often he has the children. Courts don't get involved usually as that's what the cms is for.
My exH pays £400 a month for 2 children on a salary of 35K. Pays nothing towards uniforms, school trips or anything else. If I needed childcare he wouldn't contribute towards that. He pays for the activities they do whilst at his but that suits him as it means he doesn't have to spend time parenting them. He has them after school one day a week and they spend that time at karate. He also has them EOW and they spend that time doing two other activities and gaming. They are dressed in ragged clothes that don't fit or have holes, eat toddler sized portions as that's all there is hmmThey don't see much of him at all. He has 2 other kids and they get all his attention and money as he lives with them. Our two dc are my responsibility he says.

Smumzo Sat 13-Apr-19 12:00:20

But either party could choose to have more children, take a lower paying job, not take care of their health and lose a job etc etc. One parent bad had their circumstances change and now has more "need" in that household. If the original couple were still together they could have gone on to have more children and their would have been less resource for the existing children. The ex isn't being asked to finance the additional child. She is going to have to accept their is less resource available to her kids.

Inliverpool1 Sat 13-Apr-19 12:20:40

Less resources due to something he couldn’t afford being produced. No different from buying a Porsche whilst the kids have holes in their shoes as far as I’m concerned.... if a mother did it the witch would be burnt but nobody will call men on it

MaybeNew Sat 13-Apr-19 13:16:06

Exactly @inliverpool1, no one is prepared to say tell a useless father how badly they behave. They should.

If my son refused to live up to his responsibilities, then I would be having a very frank discussion with him and would feel like I had failed to bring him up properly.

RR94 Sat 13-Apr-19 13:22:10

Just an update on this - met him for coffee this morning (minus the kids) and agreed to continue split of childcare until September then pay for our days of after school childcare when they are both at school.

I'm going to pay for swimming and dance, he's paying for gymnastics and Karate. Additionally agreed to split all school holiday childcare 50/50. Plus a small amount extra per month to cover the 'extra' kids costs.

Whole thing isn't far off what we originally agreed.

CharityConundrum Sun 14-Apr-19 01:39:30

I'm glad you came to an amicable resolution and that you are holding him to higher standards than many fathers are expected to manage.

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