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AIBU to think it’s ok to expect them to do this

(33 Posts)
ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 17:14:26

It’s a Step-Parent one - please be fair grin it’s not THAT serious.

DSDs are 12 and 14. They come EOW.

DH washes and irons their school uniform for them, this is the only time it gets ironed (when they are here).

Two of my DC are adults and I still have 17 yr old (who has ASC but goes to college and has a PT job).

Since all my kids were about 12 (or old enough to be using phones and consoles) there was the expectation that they would put their own clothes in the wash and DH (not their dad) taught them how to iron their clothes.

This was by no way a regime it was just to enable them to help out and wash their own clothes if I was busy etc and in some way take a bit of responsibility. My thinking was if they can use tech they can use a washing machine etc.

On the weekend OH was irritated that DS had put some towels (old white ones whicj are tatty abdcoff white) in the wash on a 30 degree wash with some coloured clothes.

I really wasn’t that bothered as nothing had happened. He was also irritated as he wanted to put his kids clothes in which has been sitting by the machine for two days - so as not to drip feed I do have an issue with the amount of time DSDs spend on their phones.

I retorted “at least he washes his own clothes!” Which yes was a bit hmm of me.

He then goes on a rant about how DSD2 is “only 12”. This whole time she is sat in her phone.

I suggested that if he taught them how to iron their own clothes then they would be able to do this for themselves (at home) should they so wish.

He thinks I am harsh but I think he’s doing them a favour teaching them life skills (they are both very tall so physically there is no issue) and it wouldn’t kill them to stick their kit in the machine rather than walking past it for two days waiting for someone else to do it.

Geminijes Wed 10-Apr-19 17:18:39

You are not being unreasonable in thinking they should/could wash their own clothes but neither is your husband unreasonable for thinking they are too young to do so.
It's just that you have different opinions. Neither is right or wrong.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 17:20:13

I think my issue really is that he didn’t think my children were too young to do so at the same age.

glenthebattleostrich Wed 10-Apr-19 17:33:42

Hmmm, my 8 year old can stick the dishwasher on and chuck a mixed load in the machine. So I don't think you are being unreasonable.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 17:40:03

8 - I am impressed grin

Wallywobbles Wed 10-Apr-19 18:01:33

I think all our kids from about 10 were fully functioning mini adults. So could prepare a meal with a few instructions, do the washing at all stages, clean etc. Generally fill a gap as needed. It's not daily and there are 4 of them but they all know how to do it at least.

Waveysnail Wed 10-Apr-19 18:08:22

He only has them every weekend. I can get why he wants to spoil them a bit

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 18:14:15

Waveysnail

Disney dad is not helpful when there are and were children living here who were expected to pitch in.

Is not helpful for them in the long run when they aren’t being shown how to be independent here or at home.

HeathRobinson Wed 10-Apr-19 18:15:46

YANBU. Life skills, innit.

Seeline Wed 10-Apr-19 18:16:18

I don't understand this fixation of making each member of the household do their own laundry. It seems so wasteful! Either tiny loads are being done constantly or clothes are being ruined by washing darks and lights and delicates and jeans etc all in one load, or people must have loads of clothes so that dirty stuff can hang around until there is a full load. It seems so much easier to collect everyone's whites together for a single load for example. Doesn't mean others can't help though .....

AuntieCJ Wed 10-Apr-19 18:17:56

YANBU.

He's a bit of a prick.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 18:18:24

The idea is you have some darks and you ask if anyone else has some they would like to put in with them - not do loads of little loads.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Wed 10-Apr-19 18:21:13

Your children your choice, his children his choice. I'm with him in that children are only young once and should enjoy being care free without adult chores.

It's hardly rocket science to work out how to use a washing machine or iron as an adult, it's just an excuse that you need to teach the skills to children.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 18:25:26

It's hardly rocket science to work out how to use a washing machine or iron as an adult, it's just an excuse that you need to teach the skills to children

WTAF - it’s teaching them about being part of a family and mucking in and teaching them to take responsibility for themselves.

Romax Wed 10-Apr-19 18:27:43

Those ages I’d expect them to put away clean laundry

But no to actually doing the washing or absolutely no ironing

PepsiLola Wed 10-Apr-19 18:28:34

Definitely teach them wash/iron.

My sister was the baby in the family by a large gap, never had to do household chores and left for uni not being able to do basic things.

Now she's 22, lazy doesn't cut it, and ridiculously entitled.

Life skills are essential imo

Romax Wed 10-Apr-19 18:28:59

*I think my issue really is that he didn’t think my children were too young to do so at the same age.*

Make up your mind!

youarenotkiddingme Wed 10-Apr-19 18:29:26

Neither of you is necessarily being unreasonable.

When yours were 12/14 his were probably 7-9ish?
Yours probably seemed so big and grown up to him them? But at the same age his girls probably don't seem as grown to him.

I think you need to discuss it. Calmly and sensibly.

But everyone is right that others have differing opinions.
My ds (who also has asd) has been expected to hoover, strip beds and do various small chores since he was about 8.
There's some things I won't let him do as I can't afford to replace all the crockery 😂

My friend has DDs the same age. She's never expected them to even empty their own backpack from school (or at least she was still doing it when eldest was year 8).
She thought I was mad and thought it was because ds is autistic as "my girls don't have time for housework as they are always out with their friends" or "they are busy texting".

maybe a rota that each morning a different child puts on a load first thing and another takes it out?

Romax Wed 10-Apr-19 18:29:34

Husband issue re his attitude towards his step children

Or issue about chores

slipperywhensparticus Wed 10-Apr-19 18:29:41

My ex insisted my daughter was given chores from age 8 after we had children he refused to allow his boys to pitch in even now we are apart he won't back me up and tell his son to make his own bed that's my job apparently as well as work to support is he pays sweet FA gin

Romax Wed 10-Apr-19 18:31:01

I did squat all until I went to university

Now a single working mother with a military organised and clean and tidy home.

NunoGoncalves Wed 10-Apr-19 18:31:07

On the weekend OH was irritated that DS had put some towels (old white ones whicj are tatty abdcoff white) in the wash on a 30 degree wash with some coloured clothes

I really wasn’t that bothered as nothing had happened. He was also irritated as he wanted to put his kids clothes in which has been sitting by the machine for two days

No offence OP but this sounds like the most banal argument ever. Whoever is getting irritated about this kind of stuff is the unreasonable one.

LordNibbler Wed 10-Apr-19 18:32:03

So he expected and taught your children how to do it, but not his own children? I would be pissed off too and have asked why yours were treated differently.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 10-Apr-19 18:35:29

@LordNibbler

Yes - and it’s other things too.

Yes it’s a bit petty in the scheme of things but also really annoying.

BackforGood Wed 10-Apr-19 18:38:38

I don't understand this fixation of making each member of the household do their own laundry. It seems so wasteful! Either tiny loads are being done constantly or clothes are being ruined by washing darks and lights and delicates and jeans etc all in one load, or people must have loads of clothes so that dirty stuff can hang around until there is a full load. It seems so much easier to collect everyone's whites together for a single load for example. Doesn't mean others can't help though .....

This ^
As long as the washing is in the basket when I collect it, then it all goes in together.
I would think it odd that someone who comes to your house for 2 days a fortnight is then expected to wash their own clothes confused. Surely they will only have their Friday school uniform (potentially some sports kit) - and sox / nix / maybe a t-shirt after they get undressed on Saturday (which would be a bit late to be .
starting to wash uniform if they need it for Monday.
So yes, YABU. I'm all for dc mucking in and taking responsibility for doing some jobs around the house, but it is Not really practical for them as they are only there for 2 nights a fortnight to be doing washing. Makes sure they unload the dishwasher instead, or make everyone a drink now and then.

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