To be exasperated by this behaviour(23 Posts)
DH is self employed. He's got the day free today and was planning on taking the little boat they have been fixing up in the river. (little sea hopper sailing dinghy).
Anyway, this morning he's going on about this boat licence they seem to need for the river and how much it costs. He asks DS1 (14) does he want to take the boat out? DS I can tell is trying to be diplomatic and says well, it could be good but it might cost a lot. DH says 'oh, he doesn't want to', and goes off to his study in a grump. He starts doing some work stuff.
I'm annoyed by this, I could have planned something else and taken them out as yesterday was rainy here and we were stuck in. So, I get on with a few jobs and at lunchtime, still no idea what is going on so i ask and DH says 'well I don't know what they want to do'.
I ended up saying well, I have some bits to get in town and need a swim also so i'm going out for a bit. Got back now and they have gone out.
I'm not sure why DH needs to be like this, I guess it's cos it's his day off etc and he's busy but to doesn't mean we all need to pander to his moods.
Not seeing where the pandering is. No one could make up their minds this morning but they decided to do something this afternoon. All good?
I’m not seeing the issue here either, I had similar conversations with my kids this morning before we all agreed what to do.
What I mean is could DH not have just discussed it with Dc rather than grumping, could have maybe talked through what to do, maybe I am just cross as a bit hormonal but not sure. We talk through things also but doesn't usually result in me huffing etc.
Are you annoyed at his faffing? Because that would annoy me also.
He did ask his son and got a negative reply. If your son had wanted to do that then he needs to say that to his dad.
This is DC probably didn't want his dad to feel he needed to do it if it was expensive so was being diplomatic, but then DH was upset by the reply...he's often like this and takes things a bit personally. I'm maybe just a bit sensitive but it is annoying. He was going on later about only having today off etc to the DC and could tell they felt guilty then.
So it’s been a miscommunication on both parts. No harm done and everyone has gotten to do something on the day off. Just forget about it.
Thanks, I will. Just hope there is no more grumping this evening about it!
I feel really sorry for your DS here. It sounds like he'd have loved to have gone out in the boat but was manipulated out of it by your DH.
Your DH should have decided whether it was affordable before offering it as an activity (involving you in this as necessary). Though, you could have spoken up and said 'the money is not an issue. If you'd like to go, go'.
If your DS had said 'yes I'd love to', what then? Would they have gone and had fun? Why does your DS feel the need to protect your DH financially?
Is the licence a one-off thing that lasts a while, or a daily fee?
It just sounds like your DH was really disorganised to me. Possibly looking for an excuse to grump off to his study?
Yes, I know. DS is quite sensitive to others feelings, and he wouldn't have wanted his dad to have to get the expensive licence perhaps - he's just aware and kind, really. And also maybe felt DH maybe had work to do. I guess that is what annoyed me really, that Ds was sort of made to blame for them not going. When really he was just trying to discuss it. Yes I guess they would have gone if he'd just said yes. I sometimes feel like the DC are the more diplomatic and Dh the more emotionally reactive whereas he is the adult and they the children, seems the wrong way round really.
DH is just busy and yes probably disorganised. It seems to be a yearly charge of £110 something like that anyway, to launch a boat. on to the river. Some sort of licence
Maybe your h is genuinely concerned about the cost?
Yes, possibly, money can be quite tight at times. Oh well, maybe I can speak to DC about it or something, or say to DH to chat to me beforehand. Don't think he thinks things through at times. Sometimes it is kind of easier when he's out at work to be honest but appreciate he's busy and took time out etc.
It does seem the wrong way around. Especially if they are losing out on things they'd love to do. All the more so when that thing is being dangled in front of them. That's really not very nice.
I don't know the dynamic, how often this happens etc but I do think you need to take steps to address this.
Have a chat with your DC and tell them Daddy's a big boy who can look after his own emotions, they don't need to do that for him (unless they do; because they're scared of him, seriously worried for him etc, in which case it's a slightly different story - rather a more serious version of the same thing but with outside help needed).
Talk to your DH and tell him this behaviour is unkind and unfair and he needs to organise himself better and think of other people's needs and feelings too.
Also, be more assertive yourself.
If it's an annual fee, it needs to be paid some time or other, if they're going to use this boat at all. This must have been thought about when the 'let's do up this boat' plan began.
A daily fee would be a reason not to go so many times. Sorting out an annual one is just an organisational task. Once done, best to go as much as possible. So surely it needs sorting now, so they can make the most of Spring and Summer weather this year?
I think they can maybe going the yacht club nearby and launch it there, will speak to them. No it isn't a usual thing. DH just wanted to take out the boat I think...and didn't see that DC1 was being diplomatic. He was then cross feeling had taken day off especially etc. Never mind, it will be sorted out now I hope.
I have two 14 year olds and they are becoming very aware of the blue of money and that it doesn’t grow in trees. They often feel guilty if things are expensive.
You DH should be aware of this that DS is just checking that the cost is OK
Ah well, fingers crossed they've had a good afternoon.
faff and going round in needless circles. hope it is now sorted, life is too short for this stuff really isn't it ?
I think your DH behaved irresponsibly and YANBU.
He put the decision on your DS rather than being a grown-up. He should have refrained from going on about the cost, made the decision and then said either 'Right, boat trip this morning' or 'Let's leave the boat trip until I've sorted out the licence.' Not dump the responsibility on DS and go off in a strop.
Yes, in fact he does sometimes do this kind of thing (DH). For example they were choosing a film the other day and he huffed then when DC didn't want his choice, said he would watch it later without them. Bit childish isn't it. and emotionally manipulative. will need to keep an eye on this.
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