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AIBU?

AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

241 replies

sweetpea37 · 10/04/2019 12:07

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

OP posts:
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Jackshouse · 10/04/2019 12:10

You either put up with it or don’t ask her to baby sit anymore.

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Justmuddlingalong · 10/04/2019 12:13

She was asked not to do it after the 1st time. And another twice she's done it. Ask her to mind the kids at hers in future.

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Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 12:13

Put a big sign on the laundry basket with 'do not do this laundry' written on. Or booby trap it so she gets an electric shock

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Chocolateisfab · 10/04/2019 12:15

I would be sticking post it notes with
KEEP OFF written on wherever you choose. Or a lock on your bedroom door..
She is a cf.
And your dh is a wimp.

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helpconfused · 10/04/2019 12:15

She shouldn't do it after you've asked her not to.
Maybe put a really long cycle on just as she is coming next time just so she can't.
An out of order sign on the machine?

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Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 10/04/2019 12:15

So your DH thinks his mother doing your laundry (when you’ve explicitly told her not too) is okay but putting a lock on the door is rude..

Lock on the door I’m afraid!

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outpinked · 10/04/2019 12:16

Either hide the laundry away or ensure there’s literally nothing in the basket or deal without her babysitting services. She’s obviously not getting the hint but I do just think she’s trying to help and you’re being a little precious.

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PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 10/04/2019 12:16

Actually, Im with you on this. I would accept, gratefully my own DM (or DSis) doing this for me, but underwear is personal, and it isnt your MILs place to be doing your washing. I can kinda see her point on doing her own sons, shes been doing it a lifetime.

Bedrooms are adult private space, neither kids nor friends nor relatives get to wander through it. It needs to be reiterated she has absolutely NO reason to be in your bedroom.

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Nesssie · 10/04/2019 12:17

I'd give one more chance, categorically state to her that under no circumstances is she to do any laundry in your house, whether its yours, your DHs or the childrens. Say its not up for negotiation, she must not do it.

Then, if she continues, you'll have to decide if its worth putting up with it for the babysitting?

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WeeDangerousSpike · 10/04/2019 12:17

She's being rude.

She won't know the door's locked unless she tries to go in.

If you've told her not to go in, and she tries the door and complains it's locked, then you say - we've spoken about this, why did you try to go in when we've asked you to respect our privacy?

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DowntonCrabby · 10/04/2019 12:18

Getting in before anyone else to say leave a giant dildo on top of the basket!

Seriously though, that’s very rude of her.

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SayNoToCarrots · 10/04/2019 12:18

Get a washbasket with a lock

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cheeseypuff · 10/04/2019 12:18

Just tell her again & explain about the delicates not going in with the main wash. She thinks she's being helpful & that you're being polite &"pretending" you don't want her to do it.

Personally I'd be really pleased if someone washed & folded all my stuff, I coudn't care less about them seeing my knickers! Grin

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BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 12:18

“Disrespectful”

Fuck me, if that’s “disrespect” to you, you haven’t lived!

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Drum2018 · 10/04/2019 12:22

I wouldn't like mil going into my bedroom. I'd definitely lock the door. If she's not supposed to be in there then she shouldn't even notice! If she comments on it at least you can ask how she knew the door was locked given she had no reason at all to use that room.

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Littleraindrop15 · 10/04/2019 12:25

Lock the door

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AuntMarch · 10/04/2019 12:27

I'd use a separate basket for mine and keeo everyone else's in the bathroom maybe (I would separate anyway, I don't want to have to rummage through a partners dirty pants any more than I want anyone going through mine) and try once more: "I know you are doing it to be helpful and that really is lovely but honestly, I'd rather do my own so please leave anything in the bedroom"

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TixieLix · 10/04/2019 12:28

How did MIL know you had a laundry basket in your bedroom? Has she had the grand tour, or was she snooping? Either way, she shouldn't be looking in your bedroom and it's rude of her to keep ignoring your polite requests, so I'd definitely go for a lock on the bedroom door.

And as for her comment "I'll just do my son's then.." Seriously? Does she treat him like a little boy in other ways?

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Foxmuffin · 10/04/2019 12:29

I think your mother in law is doing a huge favour looking after the kids, whilst I can appreciate your feelings concerning your underwear I don’t think you can dictate to your MIL when she’s doing you a favour.

Ps if she is at a loose end she’s welcome to my house.

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ElspethFlashman · 10/04/2019 12:30

Hide your clothes in future. It's the easiest way, you can't change her.

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CareBear50 · 10/04/2019 12:32

This is disrespectful. She's been asked twice not to do it and continues to ignore your wishes.

Putting a lock on bedroom door is not rude. If she'd respected your wishes then a lock wouldn't be required.

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Catchingbentcoppers · 10/04/2019 12:33

Well she shouldn't do it if you've expressly asked her not to and I'd be pissed off about the ruined top but you only have a few options.

a) cause a drama over it and possibly a fall out.
b) don't get her to babysit, pay for someone else.
c) hide your knickers.
d) decide if her washing your undies once in a while is a big enough problem not to have her babysit.

She won't stop just because you ask her to, she's made that clear.

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BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 12:34

Disrespectful is such an odd word. It only appears ever to be used about mils. Ditto “boundaries” and “overstepping” Grin

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shadyzadie123 · 10/04/2019 12:34

I'd feel uncomfortable with that too OP. If I was your MiL and the laundry basket was there by the washing machine, I can see the logic of 'I'll be helpful and put a wash in.' Actively going looking for it in your bedroom, where as a babysitter I had no need to be, no.

Politely asking her not to do it should be enough and you shouldn't have to start hiding your washing in your own home!

If she wants to be helpful, as you head out could you say in a lighthearted/jokey way, 'Like I said, don't worry about the washing, but there's x to do if you want to help'?

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thecatsthecats · 10/04/2019 12:35

I disagree with those saying you need to put up with it because she babysits.

When I offer to help someone, I'm often happy to offer to do something else also, but I would never presume I was entitled to do whatever else! Her interfering with your laundry (and ruining it) is not an acceptable extra of her doing you the favour in the way that putting up with chat about people you don't know etc is.

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