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AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

(242 Posts)
sweetpea37 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:07:53

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

Jackshouse Wed 10-Apr-19 12:10:19

You either put up with it or don’t ask her to baby sit anymore.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 10-Apr-19 12:13:10

She was asked not to do it after the 1st time. And another twice she's done it. Ask her to mind the kids at hers in future.

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 12:13:40

Put a big sign on the laundry basket with 'do not do this laundry' written on. Or booby trap it so she gets an electric shock

Chocolateisfab Wed 10-Apr-19 12:15:03

I would be sticking post it notes with
KEEP OFF written on wherever you choose. Or a lock on your bedroom door..
She is a cf.
And your dh is a wimp.

helpconfused Wed 10-Apr-19 12:15:39

She shouldn't do it after you've asked her not to.
Maybe put a really long cycle on just as she is coming next time just so she can't.
An out of order sign on the machine?

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda Wed 10-Apr-19 12:15:55

So your DH thinks his mother doing your laundry (when you’ve explicitly told her not too) is okay but putting a lock on the door is rude..

Lock on the door I’m afraid!

outpinked Wed 10-Apr-19 12:16:13

Either hide the laundry away or ensure there’s literally nothing in the basket or deal without her babysitting services. She’s obviously not getting the hint but I do just think she’s trying to help and you’re being a little precious.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 10-Apr-19 12:16:54

Actually, Im with you on this. I would accept, gratefully my own DM (or DSis) doing this for me, but underwear is personal, and it isnt your MILs place to be doing your washing. I can kinda see her point on doing her own sons, shes been doing it a lifetime.

Bedrooms are adult private space, neither kids nor friends nor relatives get to wander through it. It needs to be reiterated she has absolutely NO reason to be in your bedroom.

Nesssie Wed 10-Apr-19 12:17:29

I'd give one more chance, categorically state to her that under no circumstances is she to do any laundry in your house, whether its yours, your DHs or the childrens. Say its not up for negotiation, she must not do it.

Then, if she continues, you'll have to decide if its worth putting up with it for the babysitting?

WeeDangerousSpike Wed 10-Apr-19 12:17:47

She's being rude.

She won't know the door's locked unless she tries to go in.

If you've told her not to go in, and she tries the door and complains it's locked, then you say - we've spoken about this, why did you try to go in when we've asked you to respect our privacy?

DowntonCrabby Wed 10-Apr-19 12:18:31

Getting in before anyone else to say leave a giant dildo on top of the basket!

Seriously though, that’s very rude of her.

SayNoToCarrots Wed 10-Apr-19 12:18:35

Get a washbasket with a lock

cheeseypuff Wed 10-Apr-19 12:18:36

Just tell her again & explain about the delicates not going in with the main wash. She thinks she's being helpful & that you're being polite &"pretending" you don't want her to do it.

Personally I'd be really pleased if someone washed & folded all my stuff, I coudn't care less about them seeing my knickers! grin

BertrandRussell Wed 10-Apr-19 12:18:41


Fuck me, if that’s “disrespect” to you, you haven’t lived!

Drum2018 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:22:25

I wouldn't like mil going into my bedroom. I'd definitely lock the door. If she's not supposed to be in there then she shouldn't even notice! If she comments on it at least you can ask how she knew the door was locked given she had no reason at all to use that room.

Littleraindrop15 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:25:30

Lock the door

AuntMarch Wed 10-Apr-19 12:27:05

I'd use a separate basket for mine and keeo everyone else's in the bathroom maybe (I would separate anyway, I don't want to have to rummage through a partners dirty pants any more than I want anyone going through mine) and try once more: "I know you are doing it to be helpful and that really is lovely but honestly, I'd rather do my own so please leave anything in the bedroom"

TixieLix Wed 10-Apr-19 12:28:38

How did MIL know you had a laundry basket in your bedroom? Has she had the grand tour, or was she snooping? Either way, she shouldn't be looking in your bedroom and it's rude of her to keep ignoring your polite requests, so I'd definitely go for a lock on the bedroom door.

And as for her comment "I'll just do my son's then.." Seriously? Does she treat him like a little boy in other ways?

Foxmuffin Wed 10-Apr-19 12:29:38

I think your mother in law is doing a huge favour looking after the kids, whilst I can appreciate your feelings concerning your underwear I don’t think you can dictate to your MIL when she’s doing you a favour.

Ps if she is at a loose end she’s welcome to my house.

ElspethFlashman Wed 10-Apr-19 12:30:59

Hide your clothes in future. It's the easiest way, you can't change her.

CareBear50 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:32:12

This is disrespectful. She's been asked twice not to do it and continues to ignore your wishes.

Putting a lock on bedroom door is not rude. If she'd respected your wishes then a lock wouldn't be required.

Catchingbentcoppers Wed 10-Apr-19 12:33:11

Well she shouldn't do it if you've expressly asked her not to and I'd be pissed off about the ruined top but you only have a few options.

a) cause a drama over it and possibly a fall out.
b) don't get her to babysit, pay for someone else.
c) hide your knickers.
d) decide if her washing your undies once in a while is a big enough problem not to have her babysit.

She won't stop just because you ask her to, she's made that clear.

BertrandRussell Wed 10-Apr-19 12:34:07

Disrespectful is such an odd word. It only appears ever to be used about mils. Ditto “boundaries” and “overstepping” grin

shadyzadie123 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:34:50

I'd feel uncomfortable with that too OP. If I was your MiL and the laundry basket was there by the washing machine, I can see the logic of 'I'll be helpful and put a wash in.' Actively going looking for it in your bedroom, where as a babysitter I had no need to be, no.

Politely asking her not to do it should be enough and you shouldn't have to start hiding your washing in your own home!

If she wants to be helpful, as you head out could you say in a lighthearted/jokey way, 'Like I said, don't worry about the washing, but there's x to do if you want to help'?

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