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Back to work and bodily functions

(52 Posts)
alittleprivacy Wed 10-Apr-19 10:51:25

Ok so, fair warning, this is about pooping and I've nc because it's embarrassing and I'm absolutely identifiable under my previous name.

I've been a SAHM for a very, very, very long time (pretty much my 30s) but have a new job starting soon. I'm extremely excited, job is perfect, hours are perfect, it's something I can happily see myself doing for the next 20+ years, etc. However, I'm getting increasingly worried about my toilet habits. Over the years of being at home most of the early mornings, I have become very, very regular. I get up in the morning, have breakfast and coffee and an hour or so later I poop. This was initially fine but as the years have gone on I've become less and less able to adapt to changes.

If I'm not home in the morning, I find it close to impossible to poop. I can't poop in public toilets, at someone else's house, if someone else is in my house, I have difficulty on group holidays, etc. Basically if anyone else is around. (Unless it's my child, I've long adapted to the moment I sit on the toilet being the exact moment I hear, "where are you mummy?") I also find that if I 'miss my window' and am not at home at the right time I just can't go later in the day, even if I'm all alone for hours. Instead I get a sore, bloated tummy, lose my appetite for the day and by late afternoon get horrible stinky gas. And it can take a few days to get back to normal. This can happen for days at a time when I'm on holiday and it's genuinely so awful that I never go on a trip anymore without Milk of Magnesia (which has it's own downsides).

I don't know how to deal with this and working. I can't honestly remember how I used to manage before, it was entirely unremarkable and not something that I have reason to remember. I've been getting up extra early in the mornings and managing to go before the school run but all this has done, is divide my need in two. I go in the morning, do the school run and need to dash back home to finish up. If I don't it's not as bad as when I don't go at all, but it's still not great. I'm out and about a lot at the minute, meeting friends for brunch, getting jobs done on the house, having doctors/dentists appointments, etc. All the things that I'll have less time to do once I start my job. And I'm not adapting. By bedtime I have a bloated tummy, my farts are rotten and when I am home alone in the mornings I need a lot of toilet time.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar issue. How long will it take for me to get over this stupid inability to poop in anything other than perfect conditions? Or even will I get over it? The nature of my new job is one where I'll have limited time and ability to go to the toilet. I'm having visions of spending the latter half of the week staying downwind of everyone I know, then downing half a bottle of Milk of Magnesia every Friday night and spending Saturdays clearing out a week's worth of back up instead of fun family time.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 10-Apr-19 10:53:16

It may just shift to when you get home in the evening

HavelockVetinari Wed 10-Apr-19 10:56:26

Can you ask your GP? You might be able to take senna or something temporarily to change your bowel habits so you go first thing?

Candleglow7475 Wed 10-Apr-19 11:03:36

Get up and eat an hour earlier than normal so you’ve done before you need to leave?
If you're working everyday you may find you just naturally adjust.

gokartdillydilly Wed 10-Apr-19 14:00:26

I'm currently sitting on the bog at work, in a private cubicle, having a leisurely poo, safe in the knowledge that everyone in the whole wide world shits, and all shit stinks. I have my own personal can of air neutraliser (I'm not a complete oik) but I am fully aware that the next person to come in here (there are only three women in our dept) will know it's me that's caused the woeful whiff and tried to cover it up.

I ask myself am I embarrassed? Well no. It's a perfectly normal bodily function and even the Queen herself probably knocks out a log of epic and malodorous proportions on occasions.

Time to overcome your shitty fears OP! Shit with abandon! It's so liberaaaaaaa [pauses to strain] aaaating. And wipes. And flushes. And flushes. [Sigh] And flushes. And sprays.

Thatsashame Wed 10-Apr-19 15:44:45

You need some VIPoo!! smile

JonestheMail Wed 10-Apr-19 16:04:37

I agree with the PP who said the solution is to get up earlier. Having a poo in humans and animals (as witness my dogs) is triggered by 1. eating and 2. moving around. If you do these things earlier (maybe find time for a quick walk or some yoga) you will poo earlier - sorted!

Pinotjo Wed 10-Apr-19 16:16:48

Iv worked in my job for 20 year's and never had a poop at work, just can't do it, total stage fright, on the rare occasions I can't hold it, iv jumped in the car and shot home, office environment, home is approx 12 minutes drive, now if I disappear my colleagues say she popped home for s**t! 😂

ArgyMargy Wed 10-Apr-19 16:21:40

I had no idea MoM was a laxative!!

Don't worry OP, you'll very likely develop a new habit as others have said.

ilikemethewayiam Wed 10-Apr-19 16:22:19

@gokartdillydilly 😂😂😂

Barbie222 Wed 10-Apr-19 16:27:06

I think you will adjust. I wouldn't give this more headspace than it really needs, and I mean that kindly. Get up early on day 1, have a strong coffee and see what happens. Likely you'll be in a new routine by the end of the week.

FinallyHere Wed 10-Apr-19 16:29:14

One of the signs that I have got used to being in a new office is when I can again

New office building, nothing doing.

Slicedpineapple Wed 10-Apr-19 16:29:25

I really think you just need to learn to shit at work. Literally everyone does it.

Prequelle Wed 10-Apr-19 16:31:03

I think you will just have to let your body get used to its new routine

I also think this overthinking it is going to do you no favours - sorry!

BarbaraofSevillle Wed 10-Apr-19 16:35:04

I really think you just need to learn to shit at work. Literally everyone does it

But not at work apparently confused

I know lots of women people who say they never poo at work. I go when I need to go, wherever I am. I couldn't hold it in if I wanted to.

MitziK Wed 10-Apr-19 16:35:12

Leave your first coffee until an hour before your break.

MySecondBestBroomstick Wed 10-Apr-19 16:36:40

If you stay there for the next 20 years, work will become your second home! Maybe it'll be th start of broadening your pooing horizons!

The morning poo is very much stimulated by eating and coffee. Move those as early as possible in your routine and maybe get up a bit earlier. Your body will adjust. This is a fundamentally different thing to having a guest in your house or going on holiday - it"s a new normal.

MitziK Wed 10-Apr-19 16:40:28

Oh, and the other thing to console yourself with is that if you need to go during the day, they are effectively paying you to take a dump. The easiest fiver anyone could make!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Wed 10-Apr-19 16:43:38

You're overthinking this. Your body will adjust as you get used to your new routine. If you're that worried maybe get up and have breakfast earlier than you need to so that you can have your morning poo before you leave for work in the morning?

Hoppinggreen Wed 10-Apr-19 16:43:46

I only do it at home, my mums or in Holiday accommodation where we are staying. It’s not a conscious choice, I just can’t go elsewhere
Hopefully OP your body will reset

Weepingwillow5 Wed 10-Apr-19 16:48:13

Get up earlier and drink more coffee - good luck with the issue and the new job !

NerdyBird Wed 10-Apr-19 16:51:59

You will adjust. I have a bowel condition so I have to be able to go anywhere, holding on isn't always an option! Start your day earlier, or, hold off and have breakfast and coffee later and poo at lunchtime. Might be worth buying some VIPoo if it's a small loo!

Mygingercat Wed 10-Apr-19 16:55:47

Have never and will never poo at work.
Someone does ... and is talked about.

BarbaraofSevillle Wed 10-Apr-19 16:58:15

In what fucked up world is a person who shits so scandalous that they are 'talked about' hmm.

We all do it. Every single one of us. Including the Queen etc.

DontCallMeCharlotte Wed 10-Apr-19 16:58:29

Have a fag first thing. That'll bring it on...

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