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Advice and opinions valued

(29 Posts)
restlessrobin1240 Wed 10-Apr-19 10:23:38

I am 40 years old and have a 6 month old baby boy. My husband and i have a great relationship and love each other and our little family very much and feel very lucky.
I used to get on with my husbands mum very well. We have done all sorts together.
Since our baby was born she has become quite overbearing. I know her heart is in the right place but quite honestly i now struggle with her hugely. I’m not sure if this is still hormones or just reaction to her suggestions or behaviour ? i also think i may have a tad pnd which i’m trying to manage and have a long history of anxiety and depression which i know can make me irrational at times. I would really value your opinions as third part not connected to my directed family so i can gain some perspective. I am open with my husband and he knows how i feel and to some degree he feels the same however it’s his mum and they are very close so i do bite my tongue a lot !
Our baby was a month early and very small. He spent time in special care.
We arrived home to find that my sister in law had out aoem wonderful welcome decorations up at home which was a lovely surprise. She and my MIL had also tidied the house and also sorted the nursery which i was not that happy about as i was looking forward to doing it , but ever grateful for the house clean !
So day one of being at home , MIL comes round and is literally shaking with excitement . She does not ask how i am and literally is hanging out for cuddles. I get that and expected her to have a little cuddle and hand my son back as we had literally just come home. 2 hours later she still has him. I’m emotional and mad as she is piling blankets on top of him and telling me he is fine. I wanted to hold my son and needed him back. I burst into tears. How could she be so thoughtless and selfish ! i had not even cuddled him for two hours !
It did not stop there . She pulled my husband aside and suggested that i express some milk ( my milk had only just come in ) and leave my baby with her for a few hours whilst we go out for coffee !!! i mean really ? i was FURIOUS ! how did she ever think this was acceptable ! we had tried hard for our son and the last thing we wanted to do on the day out of hospital was leave him !
Husband for the gist and they left. I could not speak to her i was so upset.
I should have realised we would have issues as she messaged me a few months prior to giving birth asking how much time she should take off work to help with the baby ? i mean was she hoping to move in ? that along with the holidays she had planned with grandma, grandad and my unborn child - !!! parents not included !
She constantly texts about my son asking for photos. I do update them anyway and send photos but this does not appear to be enough. She never asks how i am or says i’m doing a good job.
My barriers have gone up and i can’t help but keep her at arms length . Yesterday i had just go my son to sleep in his carrier and she stuck her head in and woke him up. I then find her dragging him down the driveway as she did not release the brake on the buggy ! without asking me.
She also has a huge dog that is not disciplined. We have two dogs which i watch my son with. I don’t allow them near him and certainly don’t allow licking or for them to be in his face. It maddens me.
She does not push the dogs away and was letting the dog lick my sons hands and face. His hands went straight in his mouth . I mean really where is her common sense ! my husband had a word and her response was “oh they don’t have worms do they ?!” not what i wanted to hear ! no apology or reassurance it would not happen again.
She knows how we feel about the dogs.
It’s not got awkward and i feel obliged to hand my son over to her for a cuddle , it’s not natural but i’m in my guard as i feel i can’t trust her with his wellbeing and to respect our wishes. I think the early days have impacted my behaviour towards her as she clearly wanted time on her own straight away , well 6 months in and shehas has none as i’m not happy.
She even takes our son from other family members who want cuddles - her own daughter ! literally they can have him for a monute and she is swaddling him up ! it’s not fair .
She has stopped now but used to call up asking to come round during the evening which was justnot ideal. DS is breast fed and he would cluster feed and it would be like pass the parcel with my son and for really awkward as he would cry for food and she would not give him back . I would say he was hungry and reluctantly she would give him back not saying a word looking really awkward .
She also has her opinions on certain things and she laughs at my set up in the house as i have a play pen so i can safely put him down and the dogs won’t get him .
She had a few drinks a while back and made a dog about not having looked after DS yet. Well what do you expect !!!!
It’s causing me huge anxiety and i have no intention of leaving DS with her or my FIL until they reassure me that will respect my wishes with the dogs, he will be safe and has a clean environment to play in.
I think our relationship is damaged through her slightly overbearing crazy thoughtless behaviour , she has bought two kids up so let me do it my way and step back.
My husband says he feels sorry for her but tbh it’s because of her overbearing behaviour i feel i need to retreat and protect my son. It’s too much at the moment .

Opinions please and advice for anyone who has been in a similar situation ?

I’m even considering moving house to get away from the constant pressure i feel to accommodate her !

I could write more but you get the jist i think !

Thank you 🙏🏻

ZippyBungleandGeorge Wed 10-Apr-19 13:29:26

Pnd not one

chuttypicks Sun 14-Apr-19 11:43:27

Apologies op but I'm confused.... Presumably you're an adult? In which case, when she wants to do something with your child that you don't like, why don't you just tell her no? If she is cuddling him for too long, just tell her that you want him back as he is your child and not hers? If she complains about not having had him overnight etc then just tell her that you enjoy being with him and as he's your child and not hers, that is your decision? Overbearing people need clear boundaries put into place and you need to be blunt with her IMO. I'd definitely agree with pp'd as well, maybe speak to your HV or GP about the possibility of PND.

QuiFaitCa Thu 09-May-19 13:18:17

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking One psychologist here (with masters) saying wow how insensitive!

QuiFaitCa Thu 09-May-19 13:26:35

@RestlessRobin1240 Not wanting to armchair diagnose but I don't see many flags for PND - just fed up with an overbearing MIL! Have a look at/talk to HV re suggestions given for setting boundaries smile

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