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To think this girl needs to back off

(90 Posts)
littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:29:11

Nc for this as could be outing.

About 4 years ago I started a new job in a large marketing company - lots of offices, departments etc. To cut a long story short after a few years I started a relationship with a manager in one of the other teams. He's a bit older than me and it came as a bolt out of the blue that surprised us both plus our colleagues but we are very happy and been together coming up 3 years now.

The issue is that he has a girl working for him who is around my age who clearly has a crush on him. She has always been giggly, flirty and over friendly with him. Since we got together I thought it would calm down but if anything it's got worse. If ever she texts or emails him about work it's always 'hi hunni xx' and so on. When we first got together she was very cold towards me and gossiped about us at work basically making out the relationship wouldn't last and was a joke. She's a bit friendlier now but still offish at times. The other day I was having a chat with my oh outside the office and she pretty much came over and barged me out the way to interrupt the conversation.

I have asked oh if there is any history between them which he laughed at and said no. He recognises she is over friendly and seems to find it tedious but she is his staff so he needs to be nice. Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on. I've really tried to rise above it - I know how petty and immature it would look to start a row over it especially with it being work colleagues. So I've tried to remain pleasant and professional always. But aibu to think she's a cheeky cow who needs to back off? It's honestly embarrassing to watch her fawning over him at times.

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 14:15:24

My original post was to gauge opinions on whether I was being unreasonable to be annoyed by this behaviour and feel like she should back off a bit.

If some of us said that you’re not unreasonable and that such behaviour would really, really wind us up too, what would that mean for you?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 12:57:55

The problem op, is that you flip back and forth.

He hasnt tackled her behaviour because it's in keeping with the office environment. So then you need to get over it. If you are happy working somewhere like this and only dont like it because it's your boyfriend, you are being unreasonable.

If its pushing the boundaries....then he should have tackled it before....since he is her manager .

I actually think it's the first one and you feel insecure about their relationship. But that's for him to manage

You dont start seeing someone you work with and then exelect their dynamic to with their employees to change

TakenForSlanted Wed 10-Apr-19 12:25:49

I find it disrespectful to do this when someone is in a relationship.

While I agree with all the points about how professional (or less so) this sounds as a whole and a variety of good points made by PP: according to you, she's always been like this - including before you and him were an item. You really can't reasonably expect someone to adjust their behaviour on the grounds that a colleague is now in a relationship. It's your relationship, after all, bot theirs. And her relationship (as in professional, not romantic) with him is hers and his. They don't really depend on each other.

I'd hate to have to have to keep a tracker of everyone's relationship status at work - would feel pretty intrusive (also, I work in a large firm, I'd need a dedicated PA for that task grin).

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 12:03:07

We know he's loving it because he makes zero attempt to stop the inappropriate behaviour despite the fact he's her manager!

ilikemethewayiam Wed 10-Apr-19 12:02:40

Yanbu but to feel irritated by this but honestly I think that as long as you are secure in your relationship, you should just rise above it. Anything else will just make you look like a jealous shrew!

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:00:45

I've stopped responding to this thread as there is so much assumption and unhelpful advice its just no longer relevant.

I get that by posting on MN you are opening yourself up to opinions and views, that's initially what I asked for. But posters have told me I'm not secure in my relationship simply by being annoyed at someone else's behaviour - assumption, you don't know what's in my head or the dynamic of my relationship.

Said that I support my '1970s workplace culture' - I don't but it's how it is and I'm not sure how I can change that given my position - so, assumption.

Suggested my colleagues will be gossiping about me - assumption. I have only discussed this with two people who I wholeheartedly trust and consider friends. Why would you just assume they would then gossip knowing nothing about the people or the situation? Wouldn't it be stranger not to ask friends about a subject that they know more about than you?

And not to forget the number of people trying to convince me that my oh is 'loving it' and probably encouraging it - assumption. How can you know that? Just because he has chosen to tolerate it to avoid drama it doesn't mean he enjoys it. I honestly don't think he's bothered either way.

It is hard to give objective views on any topic on here without knowing the people and the context but I will never understand why people have to be so judgemental and always assume the worst thus making the original poster feel crap. Among the sage advice on here there is always so much superiority and judgement.

I really have tried my best to act appropriately in this situation, I have always been friendly and professional in work. The discussions I've had with colleagues always took place outside of work. I will probably get mocked even more following this post so I don't think I'll be back but thanks again for the few sensible posts.

It's not a case of not liking what I'm reading so flouncing off, it's just that the assumptions are so far removed from how things really are that there's no point repeating myself and trying to justify my position to strangers.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 10-Apr-19 11:35:33

Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on and I asked colleagues if there was any history as that could explain why she is how she is

How utterly demeaning for both yourself and your partner. Your mutual colleagues will all be laughing behind your back a) at the jealous one shagging her superior and (b) the bloke with the jealous dolly bird. Are you actually trying to lose your work place respect for both your self and your partner?

You have issues with this girls behaviour, but also because you don’t think your partner is dealing with it appropriately. Then you go on to say it 's work place culture Lots of people are friendly and familiar with each other in our workplace. It's not a hugely corporate and 'strict' place. and I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless (if unprofessional) behaviour/language.

TBH, if you are reading his work related emails and picking through his phone looking at work related texts, I would be very wary of all the “go to HR” advice because you could well find yourself on the end of a disciplinary.

This is why people in relationships should never work together – look for another job, one where you can concentrate on your work and not be for ever watching your partner .

I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

In short, yes.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 11:18:29

Definitely get your partner to have a word with her and like others have said by HR involved.

And say what

'I haven't had a problem with this woman's behaviour before, never addressed and responded....but you know now I have a girlfriend who works with us....can you have a word.....cause.....reasons'

I work in HR and would be thinking 'so you haven't felt uncomfortable about this to now. Now you are but haven't even attempted to do your job and manage it. But its upsetting your girlfriend, who also works here. But instead of doing your job, you want us to what? You want to complain, us to do your job and have a word?'

BrokenWing Wed 10-Apr-19 11:07:23

Your problem is with your dp and his ineptitude first and foremost as an alleged manager and secondly as a respectful partner.

winbinin Wed 10-Apr-19 11:06:30

Realistically I think you are going to have to put up and shut up here. It is inappropriate for her to refer to her line manager as ‘hunni’, but that is for her and her line manager to sort out. IMO It would be even more inappropriate for the line managers gf to get involved in the situation.

CTRL Wed 10-Apr-19 10:55:22

What a cheeky b*tch !

Definitely get your partner to have a word with her and like others have said by HR involved.

It’s different and I would empathise with this lady if she didn’t know he had a partner and she genuinely has a crush - but she knows what she’s doing, and that I find very inappropriate.

LemonTT Wed 10-Apr-19 10:52:58

Given that the OP is of the 1970s school of “it’s just our work culture, all fun and banter” she is never going to see the problem. That their work culture is wrong.

At the moment the OP is saying this is just the way we all are at work so it’s ok except I don’t like it. Which is exactly why we have professional boundaries. For her it’s ok for people to overstep the mark until it effects her. Then it is wrong.

Not sure we can help.

BlueEyedPersephone Wed 10-Apr-19 10:47:54

You have a dh problem, he should curb this himself, he hasn't, he likes it. Totally unprofessional by both of them

TooBusyHavingFun Wed 10-Apr-19 10:46:41

I wouldn't like this either, maybe as the manager he could send a team email saying 'gentle reminder' please can staff keep emails/text language professional including when addressing people. If questioned he can say somebody has had a word with him (they won't know who, could be anyone in the team).

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 10-Apr-19 10:43:24

You only need to go to Relationships to know how these things start ...men are pretty stupid creatures at times and either don't see ( yes! ) a woman coming onto them or enjoy the little bit of buzz . I'm not sure which of these your partner is .

However you say she has "always " been like this and she was there in the company before you joined - what has changed ?

VanGoghsDog Wed 10-Apr-19 10:39:59

Stop asking your colleagues about it, you're just making yourself look stupid.

I had a guy at a place I worked who called me pet names and signed every email with kisses. I just told him to stop. He whined that he was 'just being friendly', I said 'well don't, this is the workplace, it's not professional'. Nipped in the bud as soon as it started.

Your OH should have done that. The fact he hasn't is his problem.

To be fair to her, this probably is 'just what she's like' and if no-one has told her it's not OK or that they don't like it then why would she stop?

It's not really any of your business though, he needs to deal with it and you need to stop mithering your colleagues about him and your relationship - that's just as unprofessional as her behaviour (and they will all be talking about you behind your back, 'trusted' or not).

ZebrasAreBras Wed 10-Apr-19 10:36:18

If you don't feel threatened by her, and are secure in your relationship - then act that way. Beyond, maybe, the occasional raised eyebrow at her familiarity, just ignore it.

Nothing worse than petty jealousies between women at work - don't lower yourself. Be dignified - concentrate on your own stuff, and rise above it.

IHateUncleJamie Wed 10-Apr-19 10:35:49

If you read your posts back, @littlewitch123, you are constantly making excuses for your DH when in reality he is complicit in this woman’s unprofessional behaviour. Therefore, you can’t lay all the blame at her door.

The very first time she emailed him as “hi hunni” and with kisses, he should have had a quiet word and said that the level of informality is not professional so from now on could she address him as Dave or whatever.

Secondly, anyone barging into the middle of a conversation is rude and unprofessional. That’s simple manners. Yes, she shouldn’t have done it but he should have stopped her in her tracks and said “littlewitch and I are talking; I’ll be with you in a minute.”

No need to cause a big scene but a Manager should know how to handle his or her staff and set clear boundaries.

Yes, be annoyed at this woman by all means but you should be equally annoyed at your OH for essentially enabling her unprofessional and rude behaviour. Not constantly making excuses for him and saying we don’t understand your particular environment.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 10:30:34

(I agree)

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 10:30:16

I’d be managing her out of the business.Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal
🤣🤣

EmpressLesbianInChair Wed 10-Apr-19 10:27:32

If she's sending him emails with "Hi hunni", she's no threat. She sounds about 12 and with the emotional intelligence of Barbie.

Maybe that's why the OP's calling her a girl. Do grown women actually send emails to ANYONE beginning "Hi hunni"?

banivani Wed 10-Apr-19 10:27:27

She's not behaving appropriately but he's not managing her and telling her to stop, so. I'd say the fault is primarily with him, as manager he is responsible.

AlexaAmbidextra Wed 10-Apr-19 10:26:52

I’d be managing her out of the business.

Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 10:22:48

Either she is acting completely in keeping with your office culture - in which case theres not an issue and he doesnt need to tackle it. If it annoys you, you need to get over it as no one is doing anything wrong

Or she is over stepping the boundaries - in which case your dp is the problem because he hasnt managed her properly and let it be known she is overstepping. Because he gets something out of it. In which case your problem is him

Which is it?

AlexaAmbidextra Wed 10-Apr-19 10:20:43

He doesn’t have a problem with it, you do. As a manager he should be able to maintain boundaries without running to HR but if he’d wanted her to cool her jets he’d have sorted it when it first started. He obviously likes it so he’s your problem, not her. I would advise against you ‘having a word’ as you’ll just look jealous and insecure and he’ll look like a fool. Which he may well be but really, it’s for him to address, not you.

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