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To think this girl needs to back off

(90 Posts)
littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:29:11

Nc for this as could be outing.

About 4 years ago I started a new job in a large marketing company - lots of offices, departments etc. To cut a long story short after a few years I started a relationship with a manager in one of the other teams. He's a bit older than me and it came as a bolt out of the blue that surprised us both plus our colleagues but we are very happy and been together coming up 3 years now.

The issue is that he has a girl working for him who is around my age who clearly has a crush on him. She has always been giggly, flirty and over friendly with him. Since we got together I thought it would calm down but if anything it's got worse. If ever she texts or emails him about work it's always 'hi hunni xx' and so on. When we first got together she was very cold towards me and gossiped about us at work basically making out the relationship wouldn't last and was a joke. She's a bit friendlier now but still offish at times. The other day I was having a chat with my oh outside the office and she pretty much came over and barged me out the way to interrupt the conversation.

I have asked oh if there is any history between them which he laughed at and said no. He recognises she is over friendly and seems to find it tedious but she is his staff so he needs to be nice. Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on. I've really tried to rise above it - I know how petty and immature it would look to start a row over it especially with it being work colleagues. So I've tried to remain pleasant and professional always. But aibu to think she's a cheeky cow who needs to back off? It's honestly embarrassing to watch her fawning over him at times.

HopefulAgain10 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:09:56

Hes clearly enjoying it.

What manager accepts 'hi hunni' as appropriate?

He should have two problems with this.1. Its unprofessional
2. Hes in a relationship

Clearly obvious he enjoys it, as he laughs it off.

And no, your issue is with him allowing all of this because if he didnt then she wont do it.

GinAndTings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:12:08

How does he react - you need to see his responses and their behaviour when you aren't around.

Normally when behaviour isn't reciprocated - it stops.

Hers hasn't - ask yourself why - he loves it.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:14

Hmmm perhaps he should have pulled her up on it but I do think it's a bit of a tricky one to address given that it's all just talk and could be construed as her just being friendly..

No its unprofessional. If he wasnt responding and, therefore, encouraging her to be unprofessional.....she would have stopped by now.

He is encouraging it. By not pulling her up on it, he is telling her that's it's ok. So why would she stop?

Shevis a colleague you dont like. She isnt keen on you. You feel secure and think her attitude isnt unprofessional enough for him to pull her up on it and it's just friendly. So he is right not to do anything.

So what's the issue?

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:43

The fact that you've asked colleagues whether they think there's anything going on, indicates that you're not all that secure.

Boysey45 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:54

Talk to him and ask him to pack in responding to her which he is doing and tell her to be more professional.Tell him its making you very uncomfortable and you cant help wondering why he is encouraging her?

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:08

Yes I do feel secure and as I said, I don't think she's a threat.

But it feels as though there is something that is worrying you about this situation, on some level.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:08

I asked colleagues if there was any history as that could explain why she is how she is.

The reason I think he tolerates it is because while she feels like they are best mates she will work hard for him. If he pulls her up on her informal over friendly language then she'll probably get a strop on and cause issues.

I wouldn't say he loves it from what I see and he certainly doesn't respond to it. As I said in my original post he appears to find it tedious

downcasteyes Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:12

Just be you: smart, funny, grown up. I guarantee other people in the office will be cringing about her behaviour. As you say, she lacks self-respect, and he's showing every day that he values you not her simply by the act of being with you, not her.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:49

@Flaverings I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

downcasteyes Wed 10-Apr-19 09:18:47

Also, I totally get what you mean about different standards in different workplaces. Most Mumsnetters seem to work in very strict, corporate places where people aren't very friendly to one another at work, allowing a distance and a fairly rigid code of professional behaviour to be in place. (I am not saying that critically, btw). Not all workplaces, however, are like this - more creative sectors can be very much more informal and friendly, to the point that behaving in a highly boundaried way would actually be quite weird. It can be difficult to navigate a bounded-and-firm-yet-friendly demeanour in such places.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:19:46

Oh he is enjoying it. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if it was a 6,1 bloke called Derek with no teeth..

It’s down to him to start acting like her manager and expecting more from an employee. If there was ever an investigation in to his work how would there communication look?

I wouldn’t disrespect my husband to allow a grown adult to be fawning over me. I’d nip it in the bud straight away.

I can be quite sarcastic and wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue.

LemonTT Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:09

He’s a bad manager more than anything else. He needs to have professional boundaries and he doesn’t. These are much easier than personal boundaries so I would worry about this generally.

Equally, as a colleague, I would be put out by you asking me what is going one. By all means have a work relationship but maintain your professionalism. Neither of you are doing this. You all sound like a nightmare to work with. It’s a workplace not the school yard. Nobody behaves this way anymore because it makes other uncomfortable and encourages harassment and discrimination.

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:11

I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

I don't think there's wrong or right feelings, I think there are just the feelings we have. You're worried you come across as jealous? What might you be jealous of?

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:19

Hi hunni is gross but tbh no-one at work should have to act differently because employees are in a relationship out of work. Work is for work. Asking around about her will already have had people gossiping, you need to be more professional. You work together, this was always going to be a problem.

HundredMilesAnHour Wed 10-Apr-19 09:21:17

Regardless of whether he's in a relationship or not, he should be dealing with her unprofessional manner. The fact he isn't implies he's a pretty poor manager.

But you OP need to chill out. You seem a bit fixated on her. So she's unprofessional (which her manager doesn't have the balls to tell her) and a flirt. It happens.

You need to stop bringing your personal life to work. At work your other half is a colleague rather than your boyfriend/partner. You are being just as unprofessional as this woman is but in a different way. Leave your insecurities at home and get on with your actual job.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:09

The reason I think he tolerates it is because while she feels like they are best mates she will work hard for him. If he pulls her up on her informal over friendly language then she'll probably get a strop on and cause issues

Oh come off it..she gets paid to do her job - well, if she doesn’t meet standards - she goes. It really is that simple. Obviously is going to pretend to you he doesn’t like it.. hmm

Maybe he is looking for a new office romance!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:16

You are jealous.

You have just admitted that he likes it, because it means she works harder.
I would be a bit hmm, he is happy with this woman being unprofessional and he pretends to be best work friends with her, so she works harder. So he is taking the piss out of her then?

And letting her act how she wants, even disrespectful to you, in work (which is unprofessional) because he gains out of it.

Your issue is him. That's why this feels odd.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:49

Is she you three years ago? Sounds like it could be similar so yes, he's probably loving it.

Work and relationships so don't mix.

MoreSlidingDoors Wed 10-Apr-19 09:24:47

It’s up to your DP to tell her to stop. If he won’t then that’s your problem right there.

This. I wouldn’t be happy about my staff (HR) being expected to deal with this.

Eustasiavye Wed 10-Apr-19 09:24:58

You do realise that the majority of human communication is via non verbal methods. For example l managed to communicate very clearly that the man sitting at the table next to me on Saturday needs to stop screeching across the room and deafening me. His friend got the message without me saying a word to either him or his friend.

So the next time she trys to interrupt your conversation your dp needs to give her the very clear message that she is behaving in an inappropriate manner.
I think you also need to be blunt with him and tell him how you feel.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:14

Dh runs his own company. If a woman who worked their called him hi hunny and was flirtatious he would speak to her about it with someone else present. She'd probably be in line for the chop tbh as he prefers professionalism above all things!

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:32



Boysey45 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:52

He doesn't tolerate it he likes it.
If it was making him uncomfortable/ getting on his nerves he have told her long ago to call him Dave or Mr Smith etc.

NCforthis2019 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:28:08

He hasnt stopped her so she continues - would you blame her? Hes giving her mixed signals. You dont have a stalker problem, you have an OH problem. He needs to nip this in the bud. I cant believe hes going along with it 'because she will work hard for him' - so hes giving her all the wrong messages (being unprofessional) but yet shes the one at fault? He's using her infatuation with him to his advantage - its him you need to have a word with.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Wed 10-Apr-19 09:28:25

OP ..Trust him,I get it is unpleasant to watch this play out but he,to me anyway is showing no sign of being smitten with her.I would handle it by slightly freezing her out...She pushes past you to get to oh hi susan sorry jack and I were in the middle of discussing the smith order can you come back in 10 mins?! so bright and breezy she will if she has any sense feel like a right fool.Email at home on his personal phone...hi susan its jayne mike left his phone and is a bit tied up at the min he says he will get back to you tomorrow are quietly asserting your place in his life both inside and outside work if you feel the need to do it.My guess though is perhaps he feels a bit flattered but thats all...I don
t think you have anything to worry about.Treat her like the irritation she is!!!!

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