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To think this girl needs to back off

(90 Posts)
littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:29:11

Nc for this as could be outing.

About 4 years ago I started a new job in a large marketing company - lots of offices, departments etc. To cut a long story short after a few years I started a relationship with a manager in one of the other teams. He's a bit older than me and it came as a bolt out of the blue that surprised us both plus our colleagues but we are very happy and been together coming up 3 years now.

The issue is that he has a girl working for him who is around my age who clearly has a crush on him. She has always been giggly, flirty and over friendly with him. Since we got together I thought it would calm down but if anything it's got worse. If ever she texts or emails him about work it's always 'hi hunni xx' and so on. When we first got together she was very cold towards me and gossiped about us at work basically making out the relationship wouldn't last and was a joke. She's a bit friendlier now but still offish at times. The other day I was having a chat with my oh outside the office and she pretty much came over and barged me out the way to interrupt the conversation.

I have asked oh if there is any history between them which he laughed at and said no. He recognises she is over friendly and seems to find it tedious but she is his staff so he needs to be nice. Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on. I've really tried to rise above it - I know how petty and immature it would look to start a row over it especially with it being work colleagues. So I've tried to remain pleasant and professional always. But aibu to think she's a cheeky cow who needs to back off? It's honestly embarrassing to watch her fawning over him at times.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth Wed 10-Apr-19 08:32:09

It is highly inappropriate for her to refer to him as ‘hunni’. I think your OH needs to have a word with HR.

Alwaysgrey Wed 10-Apr-19 08:35:07

Agree I’d get your partner to lodge it as a concern with HR.

makingmammaries Wed 10-Apr-19 08:36:29

That’s one of the pitfalls of office dating and you will not cast yourself in a good light if you visibly react in any way. Your DP needs to set proper boundaries with this woman but that is for him, not you, to do. If he won’t, then, as the saying goes, you have à DP problem.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:36:37

Oh heck I don't think he'd want to go that far, would open a whole can of worms. It is a fairly informal workplace and some of them have worked together years and do have friendly relationships but I just find it disrespectful of her to act this way knowing we are together.

CalmdownJanet Wed 10-Apr-19 08:37:25

"Hi hunni" is completely inappropriate regarding work, even if he wasn't in a relationship I would expect him to stamp that out. But yes, he is probably enjoying having his ego stroked but actually he needs to see that letting that happen makes him a shit manager and a shit partner

Hockneypool Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:01

So how old is this ‘girl’? I find that pretty disrespectful.

BelulahBlanca Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:05

She needs to learn how to write a professional email. Maybe he could bring that up to her

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail Wed 10-Apr-19 08:41:04

If I were him I would have already said to her that although this is an informal work place I am still her line manager and I need to ensure everyone who works for me is treated the same. And used that intro to tackle the over familiarity.

She must have the hide of a rhino though. Most people stop the second that sort of thing isn’t reciprocated!

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:41:12

I think like most men he just wants a quiet life and is prepared to turn a blind eye to it providing she gets her work done which clearly benefits him. I have never made a big deal out of it even to him as I don't want to be 'that' person. I have a feeling that if it was ever addressed either by me or him she would play dumb and make out that it's just how she is and we are reading too much into it which could backfire and make us look bad. But deep down I do feel she does it deliberately to annoy me

19lottie82 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:41:26

It’s up to your DP to tell her to stop. If he won’t then that’s your problem right there.

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 08:41:31

Hi hunni is totally unacceptable and he needs to tell her that if he's her manager.

PregnantSea Wed 10-Apr-19 08:45:31

How does he respond to her emails? Does she get a pet name and kisses in return?

To be honest if he completely snubs her advances and stays professional with her then all she's doing is making herself look like a dick. Just make sure he actually is snubbing her advances and not reciprocating any of her ridiculous behaviour.

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 08:47:15

If he turns a blind eye fora Quiet life he's a rather poor manager. Perhaps in the wrong job?

marvellousnightforamooncup Wed 10-Apr-19 08:47:32

Hunni is not acceptable to say to anyone in any context, ever! 🤢

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:48:37

@PregnantSea no I am confident that he doesn't respond. I've seen a couple of exchanges between them and he is always professional and short. I'm sure there is banter in the office but I don't feel as if she is a threat in any way. If anything I'm just gobsmacked at her nerve really!

I do sometimes wonder if anything has gone on in the past but even if it had it was obviously before I was on the scene. I'd just feel a bit foolish if I didn't know. But oh and colleagues have insisted nothing has and it's just how she is. Really irritating and disrespectful though.

PregnantSea Wed 10-Apr-19 08:54:41

In that case I'd probably just ignore her, unless a huge boundary has been overstepped (making sexual advances, sending suggestive messages etc). If she just continues with the hi hunni xxx emails and giggling at him then she's a bloody idiot but a harmless one. You come out looking much better for rising above it. And if she ever does overstep then your DH should be the one to pull her up on it.

YANBU though, I'd find this irritating as well. She is definitely being cheeky...

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 08:59:17

Have you posted about this before? It feels very familiar.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 08:59:48

Firstly if she is working and has been working at least 4 years, she is a woman. Not a girl. You are using this as a way to talk down about her.

Secondly, how in years of her working for him has he never addressed her attitude. I am guessing he hasnt. Even before he was with you, he shouldnt have excepted this.

The truth is, is that your issue is with him. He, on some level, likes it. He accepted it before you got together, so probably feels weird about tackling it when he has been ok for so long. She will know he is tackling it because of you.

But he has accepted her behaviour. So she thinks it's fine and acceptable.

I dont work with my partner. But if a colleague tried to cut him out of a converstation at a works party, they would know its not acceptable.

I have never let anyone that works for me email or contact me in a over familiar manner either. They have been pulled if I dont like the way they act.

Yes, men have flirted at work and they are cut short.

If he was handling this in a professional manner there wouldn't be an issue.

And to be fair. She may not fancy him. I know loads of people who think flirting with their boss, keeps the boss sweet and in their pocket. I have had a couple of men, try it with me.

She may have been cold towards you because she felt you would threaten the working relationship she has with him. Rather than actually want to date him, herself.

pepperpot99 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:01:13

This is extremely immature and unprofessional behaviour! she really ought to be reprimanded as a matter of urgency.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:02:43

Not posted about this before no.

Hmmm perhaps he should have pulled her up on it but I do think it's a bit of a tricky one to address given that it's all just talk and could be construed as her just being friendly.

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 09:04:24

Hi hunni is unprofessional even it is intended as friendly and he needs to tell her to stop. Why is he a manager if he won't manage this !!!

JaneEyre07 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:05:02

If she's sending him emails with "Hi hunni", she's no threat.

She sounds about 12 and with the emotional intelligence of Barbie.

If you react, you will only spur her on.

Boysey45 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:07:44

Are you secure in your relationship with him? because if it was me I wouldn't be bothered.The issue you have is with him not telling her straight to be more professional at work. Are you sure is not 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other? In my experience I've not known people flirt outrageously continually if someone is totally not interested.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:09:27

Yes I do feel secure and as I said, I don't think she's a threat. I just think it's a bit of a cheeky way to behave. I certainly would have more self respect and respect for my colleague. I do think she would play it down as just being 'how she is' though - ie very friendly and over the top. Who knows.

I don't feel as if he is reciprocating and encouraging it though.

HopefulAgain10 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:09:56

Hes clearly enjoying it.

What manager accepts 'hi hunni' as appropriate?

He should have two problems with this.1. Its unprofessional
2. Hes in a relationship

Clearly obvious he enjoys it, as he laughs it off.

And no, your issue is with him allowing all of this because if he didnt then she wont do it.

GinAndTings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:12:08

How does he react - you need to see his responses and their behaviour when you aren't around.

Normally when behaviour isn't reciprocated - it stops.

Hers hasn't - ask yourself why - he loves it.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:14

Hmmm perhaps he should have pulled her up on it but I do think it's a bit of a tricky one to address given that it's all just talk and could be construed as her just being friendly..

No its unprofessional. If he wasnt responding and, therefore, encouraging her to be unprofessional.....she would have stopped by now.

He is encouraging it. By not pulling her up on it, he is telling her that's it's ok. So why would she stop?

Shevis a colleague you dont like. She isnt keen on you. You feel secure and think her attitude isnt unprofessional enough for him to pull her up on it and it's just friendly. So he is right not to do anything.

So what's the issue?

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:43

The fact that you've asked colleagues whether they think there's anything going on, indicates that you're not all that secure.

Boysey45 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:13:54

Talk to him and ask him to pack in responding to her which he is doing and tell her to be more professional.Tell him its making you very uncomfortable and you cant help wondering why he is encouraging her?

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:08

Yes I do feel secure and as I said, I don't think she's a threat.

But it feels as though there is something that is worrying you about this situation, on some level.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:08

I asked colleagues if there was any history as that could explain why she is how she is.

The reason I think he tolerates it is because while she feels like they are best mates she will work hard for him. If he pulls her up on her informal over friendly language then she'll probably get a strop on and cause issues.

I wouldn't say he loves it from what I see and he certainly doesn't respond to it. As I said in my original post he appears to find it tedious

downcasteyes Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:12

Just be you: smart, funny, grown up. I guarantee other people in the office will be cringing about her behaviour. As you say, she lacks self-respect, and he's showing every day that he values you not her simply by the act of being with you, not her.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:16:49

@Flaverings I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

downcasteyes Wed 10-Apr-19 09:18:47

Also, I totally get what you mean about different standards in different workplaces. Most Mumsnetters seem to work in very strict, corporate places where people aren't very friendly to one another at work, allowing a distance and a fairly rigid code of professional behaviour to be in place. (I am not saying that critically, btw). Not all workplaces, however, are like this - more creative sectors can be very much more informal and friendly, to the point that behaving in a highly boundaried way would actually be quite weird. It can be difficult to navigate a bounded-and-firm-yet-friendly demeanour in such places.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:19:46

Oh he is enjoying it. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if it was a 6,1 bloke called Derek with no teeth..

It’s down to him to start acting like her manager and expecting more from an employee. If there was ever an investigation in to his work how would there communication look?

I wouldn’t disrespect my husband to allow a grown adult to be fawning over me. I’d nip it in the bud straight away.

I can be quite sarcastic and wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue.

LemonTT Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:09

He’s a bad manager more than anything else. He needs to have professional boundaries and he doesn’t. These are much easier than personal boundaries so I would worry about this generally.

Equally, as a colleague, I would be put out by you asking me what is going one. By all means have a work relationship but maintain your professionalism. Neither of you are doing this. You all sound like a nightmare to work with. It’s a workplace not the school yard. Nobody behaves this way anymore because it makes other uncomfortable and encourages harassment and discrimination.

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:11

I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

I don't think there's wrong or right feelings, I think there are just the feelings we have. You're worried you come across as jealous? What might you be jealous of?

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:19

Hi hunni is gross but tbh no-one at work should have to act differently because employees are in a relationship out of work. Work is for work. Asking around about her will already have had people gossiping, you need to be more professional. You work together, this was always going to be a problem.

HundredMilesAnHour Wed 10-Apr-19 09:21:17

Regardless of whether he's in a relationship or not, he should be dealing with her unprofessional manner. The fact he isn't implies he's a pretty poor manager.

But you OP need to chill out. You seem a bit fixated on her. So she's unprofessional (which her manager doesn't have the balls to tell her) and a flirt. It happens.

You need to stop bringing your personal life to work. At work your other half is a colleague rather than your boyfriend/partner. You are being just as unprofessional as this woman is but in a different way. Leave your insecurities at home and get on with your actual job.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:09

The reason I think he tolerates it is because while she feels like they are best mates she will work hard for him. If he pulls her up on her informal over friendly language then she'll probably get a strop on and cause issues

Oh come off it..she gets paid to do her job - well, if she doesn’t meet standards - she goes. It really is that simple. Obviously is going to pretend to you he doesn’t like it.. hmm

Maybe he is looking for a new office romance!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:16

You are jealous.

You have just admitted that he likes it, because it means she works harder.
I would be a bit hmm, he is happy with this woman being unprofessional and he pretends to be best work friends with her, so she works harder. So he is taking the piss out of her then?

And letting her act how she wants, even disrespectful to you, in work (which is unprofessional) because he gains out of it.

Your issue is him. That's why this feels odd.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:49

Is she you three years ago? Sounds like it could be similar so yes, he's probably loving it.

Work and relationships so don't mix.

MoreSlidingDoors Wed 10-Apr-19 09:24:47

It’s up to your DP to tell her to stop. If he won’t then that’s your problem right there.

This. I wouldn’t be happy about my staff (HR) being expected to deal with this.

Eustasiavye Wed 10-Apr-19 09:24:58

You do realise that the majority of human communication is via non verbal methods. For example l managed to communicate very clearly that the man sitting at the table next to me on Saturday needs to stop screeching across the room and deafening me. His friend got the message without me saying a word to either him or his friend.

So the next time she trys to interrupt your conversation your dp needs to give her the very clear message that she is behaving in an inappropriate manner.
I think you also need to be blunt with him and tell him how you feel.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:14

Dh runs his own company. If a woman who worked their called him hi hunny and was flirtatious he would speak to her about it with someone else present. She'd probably be in line for the chop tbh as he prefers professionalism above all things!

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:32

*there

Argh

Boysey45 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:27:52

He doesn't tolerate it he likes it.
If it was making him uncomfortable/ getting on his nerves he have told her long ago to call him Dave or Mr Smith etc.

NCforthis2019 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:28:08

He hasnt stopped her so she continues - would you blame her? Hes giving her mixed signals. You dont have a stalker problem, you have an OH problem. He needs to nip this in the bud. I cant believe hes going along with it 'because she will work hard for him' - so hes giving her all the wrong messages (being unprofessional) but yet shes the one at fault? He's using her infatuation with him to his advantage - its him you need to have a word with.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Wed 10-Apr-19 09:28:25

OP ..Trust him,I get it is unpleasant to watch this play out but he,to me anyway is showing no sign of being smitten with her.I would handle it by slightly freezing her out...She pushes past you to get to him..smile oh hi susan sorry jack and I were in the middle of discussing the smith order can you come back in 10 mins?! so bright and breezy she will if she has any sense feel like a right fool.Email at home on his personal phone...hi susan its jayne mike left his phone and is a bit tied up at the min he says he will get back to you tomorrow ...you are quietly asserting your place in his life both inside and outside work if you feel the need to do it.My guess though is perhaps he feels a bit flattered but thats all...I don
t think you have anything to worry about.Treat her like the irritation she is!!!!

SuperSara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:32:38

I’d be managing her out of the business.

She sounds divisive, disrespectful and unprofessional.

ambereeree Wed 10-Apr-19 09:33:00

Hmmm are you in a sales role in that she would work hard for him??
This girl is you three years ago and your DP is loving the attention. If he respects your relationship he must nip it in the bud.

TixieLix Wed 10-Apr-19 09:33:06

As a manager he should be encouraging and seeking ways for his employees to grow their skills. Get him to sort out a training course for the whole department on communicating effectively. That way it doesn't look like she's personally being singled out.

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 09:33:47

She doesn't necessarily need managing out. Just a talk about being more professional.

onanothertrain Wed 10-Apr-19 09:38:39

Are you sure she's not cold towards you because she knows you've been gossiping about her to your colleagues, asking if she's ever been involved with your DP. She's not the only unprofessional one.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:39:17

To clarify,
I am secure in the relationship and trust my oh, he has never given me any reason not to.
I don't feel threatened by her.
I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless (if unprofessional) behaviour/language. I certainly don't agree he enjoys it or encourages it in any way.
My original post was to gauge opinions on whether I was being unreasonable to be annoyed by this behaviour and feel like she should back off a bit.

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 09:43:10

Well she wont back off of he won't tell her to stop being unprofessional so that's that.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:52:38

Well she wont back off of he won't tell her to stop being unprofessional so that's that

Yep.

I understand the reason behind your post OP but really she is not at fault because he is complicit in her behaviour by not opposing it. Which he could do in many different ways. It doesn’t have to get nasty. But he is fobbing you off with crap excuses and that’s what posters are pointing out.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 09:53:49

I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless

So its harmless and in keeping with your work place. So lots of other people act and communicate like this.....so what's the issue?

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 09:55:45

And yes, you DO have concerns about his faithfulness because if she was sixty and unattractive you wouldn’t even be posting..

Deep down you worry this is going to be another office relationship.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:59:19

He hasn't actually made any excuses lol. I haven't even raised it as an issue with him, not in a meaningful manner anyway. I did ask if there was history between them at one point and that's as far as it's been discussed really. I have tried to rise above it rather than make it into an issue.

Lots of people are friendly and familiar with each other in our workplace. It's not a hugely corporate and 'strict' place. But I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to see when someone is going beyond even informal boundaries and being a bit over the top. I find it disrespectful to do this when someone is in a relationship.

Appreciate all the comments. It's a hard one to understand unless you have seen it first hand and understand the nature of a workplace, I feel a few things have been taken out of context and escalated in a direction that's not really relevant or helpful. But thanks again for the comments smile

IncrediblySadToo Wed 10-Apr-19 10:05:30

I think you’re winding the bobbin.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 10:13:07

He has made excuses though.... read your own posts back. Lol

DistanceCall Wed 10-Apr-19 10:15:05

Should this girl call your husband "hunni" and flirt with him? No.

Is she going to stop doing it? No. Because she has no reason to. Your husband has not clearly told her to stop, and there are no consequences for her if she doesn't stop.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 10:19:00

But I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to see when someone is going beyond even informal boundaries and being a bit over the top

So it's not your work place culture? It's going further than that?

So he can tackle it then?

AlexaAmbidextra Wed 10-Apr-19 10:20:43

He doesn’t have a problem with it, you do. As a manager he should be able to maintain boundaries without running to HR but if he’d wanted her to cool her jets he’d have sorted it when it first started. He obviously likes it so he’s your problem, not her. I would advise against you ‘having a word’ as you’ll just look jealous and insecure and he’ll look like a fool. Which he may well be but really, it’s for him to address, not you.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 10:22:48

Either she is acting completely in keeping with your office culture - in which case theres not an issue and he doesnt need to tackle it. If it annoys you, you need to get over it as no one is doing anything wrong

Or she is over stepping the boundaries - in which case your dp is the problem because he hasnt managed her properly and let it be known she is overstepping. Because he gets something out of it. In which case your problem is him

Which is it?

AlexaAmbidextra Wed 10-Apr-19 10:26:52

I’d be managing her out of the business.

Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal.

banivani Wed 10-Apr-19 10:27:27

She's not behaving appropriately but he's not managing her and telling her to stop, so. I'd say the fault is primarily with him, as manager he is responsible.

EmpressLesbianInChair Wed 10-Apr-19 10:27:32

If she's sending him emails with "Hi hunni", she's no threat. She sounds about 12 and with the emotional intelligence of Barbie.

Maybe that's why the OP's calling her a girl. Do grown women actually send emails to ANYONE beginning "Hi hunni"?

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 10:30:16

I’d be managing her out of the business.Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal
🤣🤣

Fazackerley Wed 10-Apr-19 10:30:34

(I agree)

IHateUncleJamie Wed 10-Apr-19 10:35:49

If you read your posts back, @littlewitch123, you are constantly making excuses for your DH when in reality he is complicit in this woman’s unprofessional behaviour. Therefore, you can’t lay all the blame at her door.

The very first time she emailed him as “hi hunni” and with kisses, he should have had a quiet word and said that the level of informality is not professional so from now on could she address him as Dave or whatever.

Secondly, anyone barging into the middle of a conversation is rude and unprofessional. That’s simple manners. Yes, she shouldn’t have done it but he should have stopped her in her tracks and said “littlewitch and I are talking; I’ll be with you in a minute.”

No need to cause a big scene but a Manager should know how to handle his or her staff and set clear boundaries.

Yes, be annoyed at this woman by all means but you should be equally annoyed at your OH for essentially enabling her unprofessional and rude behaviour. Not constantly making excuses for him and saying we don’t understand your particular environment.

ZebrasAreBras Wed 10-Apr-19 10:36:18

If you don't feel threatened by her, and are secure in your relationship - then act that way. Beyond, maybe, the occasional raised eyebrow at her familiarity, just ignore it.

Nothing worse than petty jealousies between women at work - don't lower yourself. Be dignified - concentrate on your own stuff, and rise above it.

VanGoghsDog Wed 10-Apr-19 10:39:59

Stop asking your colleagues about it, you're just making yourself look stupid.

I had a guy at a place I worked who called me pet names and signed every email with kisses. I just told him to stop. He whined that he was 'just being friendly', I said 'well don't, this is the workplace, it's not professional'. Nipped in the bud as soon as it started.

Your OH should have done that. The fact he hasn't is his problem.

To be fair to her, this probably is 'just what she's like' and if no-one has told her it's not OK or that they don't like it then why would she stop?

It's not really any of your business though, he needs to deal with it and you need to stop mithering your colleagues about him and your relationship - that's just as unprofessional as her behaviour (and they will all be talking about you behind your back, 'trusted' or not).

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 10-Apr-19 10:43:24

You only need to go to Relationships to know how these things start ...men are pretty stupid creatures at times and either don't see ( yes! ) a woman coming onto them or enjoy the little bit of buzz . I'm not sure which of these your partner is .

However you say she has "always " been like this and she was there in the company before you joined - what has changed ?

TooBusyHavingFun Wed 10-Apr-19 10:46:41

I wouldn't like this either, maybe as the manager he could send a team email saying 'gentle reminder' please can staff keep emails/text language professional including when addressing people. If questioned he can say somebody has had a word with him (they won't know who, could be anyone in the team).

BlueEyedPersephone Wed 10-Apr-19 10:47:54

You have a dh problem, he should curb this himself, he hasn't, he likes it. Totally unprofessional by both of them

LemonTT Wed 10-Apr-19 10:52:58

Given that the OP is of the 1970s school of “it’s just our work culture, all fun and banter” she is never going to see the problem. That their work culture is wrong.

At the moment the OP is saying this is just the way we all are at work so it’s ok except I don’t like it. Which is exactly why we have professional boundaries. For her it’s ok for people to overstep the mark until it effects her. Then it is wrong.

Not sure we can help.

CTRL Wed 10-Apr-19 10:55:22

What a cheeky b*tch !

Definitely get your partner to have a word with her and like others have said by HR involved.

It’s different and I would empathise with this lady if she didn’t know he had a partner and she genuinely has a crush - but she knows what she’s doing, and that I find very inappropriate.

winbinin Wed 10-Apr-19 11:06:30

Realistically I think you are going to have to put up and shut up here. It is inappropriate for her to refer to her line manager as ‘hunni’, but that is for her and her line manager to sort out. IMO It would be even more inappropriate for the line managers gf to get involved in the situation.

BrokenWing Wed 10-Apr-19 11:07:23

Your problem is with your dp and his ineptitude first and foremost as an alleged manager and secondly as a respectful partner.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 11:18:29

Definitely get your partner to have a word with her and like others have said by HR involved.

And say what

'I haven't had a problem with this woman's behaviour before, never addressed and responded....but you know now I have a girlfriend who works with us....can you have a word.....cause.....reasons'

I work in HR and would be thinking 'so you haven't felt uncomfortable about this to now. Now you are but haven't even attempted to do your job and manage it. But its upsetting your girlfriend, who also works here. But instead of doing your job, you want us to what? You want to complain, us to do your job and have a word?'

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 10-Apr-19 11:35:33

Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on and I asked colleagues if there was any history as that could explain why she is how she is

How utterly demeaning for both yourself and your partner. Your mutual colleagues will all be laughing behind your back a) at the jealous one shagging her superior and (b) the bloke with the jealous dolly bird. Are you actually trying to lose your work place respect for both your self and your partner?

You have issues with this girls behaviour, but also because you don’t think your partner is dealing with it appropriately. Then you go on to say it 's work place culture Lots of people are friendly and familiar with each other in our workplace. It's not a hugely corporate and 'strict' place. and I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless (if unprofessional) behaviour/language.

TBH, if you are reading his work related emails and picking through his phone looking at work related texts, I would be very wary of all the “go to HR” advice because you could well find yourself on the end of a disciplinary.

This is why people in relationships should never work together – look for another job, one where you can concentrate on your work and not be for ever watching your partner .

I was more seeking opinions on whether I'm justified to feel like this or if I just come across as being jealous

In short, yes.

littlewitch123 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:00:45

I've stopped responding to this thread as there is so much assumption and unhelpful advice its just no longer relevant.

I get that by posting on MN you are opening yourself up to opinions and views, that's initially what I asked for. But posters have told me I'm not secure in my relationship simply by being annoyed at someone else's behaviour - assumption, you don't know what's in my head or the dynamic of my relationship.

Said that I support my '1970s workplace culture' - I don't but it's how it is and I'm not sure how I can change that given my position - so, assumption.

Suggested my colleagues will be gossiping about me - assumption. I have only discussed this with two people who I wholeheartedly trust and consider friends. Why would you just assume they would then gossip knowing nothing about the people or the situation? Wouldn't it be stranger not to ask friends about a subject that they know more about than you?

And not to forget the number of people trying to convince me that my oh is 'loving it' and probably encouraging it - assumption. How can you know that? Just because he has chosen to tolerate it to avoid drama it doesn't mean he enjoys it. I honestly don't think he's bothered either way.

It is hard to give objective views on any topic on here without knowing the people and the context but I will never understand why people have to be so judgemental and always assume the worst thus making the original poster feel crap. Among the sage advice on here there is always so much superiority and judgement.

I really have tried my best to act appropriately in this situation, I have always been friendly and professional in work. The discussions I've had with colleagues always took place outside of work. I will probably get mocked even more following this post so I don't think I'll be back but thanks again for the few sensible posts.

It's not a case of not liking what I'm reading so flouncing off, it's just that the assumptions are so far removed from how things really are that there's no point repeating myself and trying to justify my position to strangers.

ilikemethewayiam Wed 10-Apr-19 12:02:40

Yanbu but to feel irritated by this but honestly I think that as long as you are secure in your relationship, you should just rise above it. Anything else will just make you look like a jealous shrew!

Hollowvictory Wed 10-Apr-19 12:03:07

We know he's loving it because he makes zero attempt to stop the inappropriate behaviour despite the fact he's her manager!

TakenForSlanted Wed 10-Apr-19 12:25:49

I find it disrespectful to do this when someone is in a relationship.

While I agree with all the points about how professional (or less so) this sounds as a whole and a variety of good points made by PP: according to you, she's always been like this - including before you and him were an item. You really can't reasonably expect someone to adjust their behaviour on the grounds that a colleague is now in a relationship. It's your relationship, after all, bot theirs. And her relationship (as in professional, not romantic) with him is hers and his. They don't really depend on each other.

I'd hate to have to have to keep a tracker of everyone's relationship status at work - would feel pretty intrusive (also, I work in a large firm, I'd need a dedicated PA for that task grin).

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Wed 10-Apr-19 12:57:55

The problem op, is that you flip back and forth.

He hasnt tackled her behaviour because it's in keeping with the office environment. So then you need to get over it. If you are happy working somewhere like this and only dont like it because it's your boyfriend, you are being unreasonable.

If its pushing the boundaries....then he should have tackled it before....since he is her manager .

I actually think it's the first one and you feel insecure about their relationship. But that's for him to manage

You dont start seeing someone you work with and then exelect their dynamic to with their employees to change

Flaverings Wed 10-Apr-19 14:15:24

My original post was to gauge opinions on whether I was being unreasonable to be annoyed by this behaviour and feel like she should back off a bit.

If some of us said that you’re not unreasonable and that such behaviour would really, really wind us up too, what would that mean for you?

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