Advanced search

Mum has no time for my Kids

(91 Posts)
FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 00:16:30

Need some opinions.

We live over 4 hours from my mum. We are going down there this weekend to pick children up as they have stayed few days at MIL's. My mum has no room to have them. Anyway said I would meet her Saturday with kids and go to tbe park if weather nice. She said that would be lovely and reminded me she would be going out at 5pm for evening. That was fine but then she messsged to say "probably be best to leave Saturday as im out most days this week and will be too tired if i see you and kids for Saturday evening. I said " what about for an hour then" and she replied: best to leave it till another time". So hurt. She has just had her birthday and we have her present. Kids love seeing her. She isnt bothered. She sees my niece regular now and seems like she's lost interest in my 6 and 8 year old. Just a rant,sorry!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 10-Apr-19 00:36:58

Very strange for a grandmother to not want to spend time with her GCs. Especially their daughters children. Does she have other GCs.
I had a friend who used to have to pay her mum to mind her dd.
Fancy wanting paying for the company of your GC. I'm sorry but that's odd ball behavior.

pallisers Wed 10-Apr-19 00:38:17

your mum doesn't want to see you and your children? Even for an hour.

Very odd. I'd be very hurt.

rebecca102 Wed 10-Apr-19 00:41:30

My bfs parents don't bother with our daughter, 14 months. His mum lives around the corner (1 min drive) and his dad lives about 10 minute drive, they're separated. They don't ask how she is or anything and get all upset when they do finally see her and she doesn't know them. They both went 3 months without seeing her. She cries because they are strangers. We have tried so many times to organise catch ups and they always seem to be busy even though we've found out at time that they were in fact not. We aren't going to push a relationship if the person/people who should be the ones establishing that aren't interested. Like they can't even have us over for 10 min or pop in to our house for 10. It's pathetic. My parents on the other hand are amazing and my daughter absolutely loves them

0DimSumMum0 Wed 10-Apr-19 00:46:46

How often do you usually see her if you live 4hrs away?

KC225 Wed 10-Apr-19 02:39:21

If she 'miffed' that the children are staying with your MIL and she is biting her nose off to spite her face? It must have been hurtful to hear that ...... Can you mention it in one of those no blamey ways - I felt that you were blocking all the visiting suggestions for Saturday. We want to visit you and we have a gift for you. The children miss their granny' type of thing.

TheGodmother Wed 10-Apr-19 02:41:36

Ouch that must really really hurt. Sorry no advice, just couldn't read and leave. thanks

Mentalray Wed 10-Apr-19 03:25:57

Is this a change from before? Maybe something happened?

If she was always like this I would say it is what it is.
But if this is new maybe something is going on.

ohfourfoxache Wed 10-Apr-19 03:28:44

Is this “normal” for her?

(You have my sympathy, in similar boat with fuckwit ILs) thanks

GirlRaisedInTheSouth Wed 10-Apr-19 03:56:21

Also in the same position. My PIL live 10 mins away and we haven’t seen them for nearly 4 months. It’s so sad for our DC sad.

AvengersAssemble Wed 10-Apr-19 04:00:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvengersAssemble Wed 10-Apr-19 04:00:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvengersAssemble Wed 10-Apr-19 04:01:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvengersAssemble Wed 10-Apr-19 04:01:28

It's awful, my parents are the same, we're not bothered with me growing up, now their the same with my DC. Think it's best to just leave her to it, certainly not fair on your DC.

AvengersAssemble Wed 10-Apr-19 04:03:15

Oh my word I apologise for all the duplicate posts, it said my post not successful, please try again!

Widowodiw Wed 10-Apr-19 05:08:52

My in laws have neither asked after nor seen our children since my husbands funeral 9 months ago. Their loss not ours.

Icantthinkofasinglenamehelp Wed 10-Apr-19 06:13:33

Just be honest with her. Tell her you're really disappointed and hurt and so will the kids be

Rertee Wed 10-Apr-19 06:38:39

I agree - be honest with her. Explain you are hurt, then see what she says and go from there. It seems strange to not want to see you and your children but also to not even really have a proper excuse.

HBStowe Wed 10-Apr-19 06:45:45

That’s rubbish OP, I’m sorry. I would be hurt too.

Bagpuss5 Wed 10-Apr-19 06:48:08

Very disappointing for you.
I imagine they weren't great DPs either.

PirateWeasel Wed 10-Apr-19 06:49:37

Hmm, why did she not suggest an alternative day if Saturday was no good for her, rather than just bailing out altogether? Sounds weird to me. Is she hiding something? I'd give her one chance to choose a day for you to visit, and if she bails out of that I'd be telling her how upset you are.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 10-Apr-19 06:53:13

The only somewhat rational explanation would be if you'd made the suggestion last minute and she had already made commitments.

Otherwise YANBU

ScreamScreamIceCream Wed 10-Apr-19 07:01:46

The children won't actually care until they are older and realise their blood relationship to her. Then they will just shrug their shoulders if they have other adults around her age who have bothered to establish relationships with them.

It's actually your mother who is losing out as when she gets older and probably less mobile they won't take the time out to go and visit her, phone her or even write to her using social media/email.

As an adult if you don't nurture your relationship with children in your family, then when they are able to connect with you independently they won't bother.

Gwenhwyfar Wed 10-Apr-19 07:04:46

"Hmm, why did she not suggest an alternative day if Saturday was no good for her"

OP lives four hours away. Her DM can't ask her to come back on a different day!

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 10-Apr-19 07:04:58

Yes that is sad for your children. That must be very hurtful. The only thing I can say is you cannot change her behaviour. You need somehow to come to terms with how she is choosing to be. That is unless you are worried about her. Do be thankful for having what sounds like a fab grandma on your dhs side. What was she like as a parent to you?

kaytee87 Wed 10-Apr-19 07:06:55

How much notice did you give?

Dana28 Wed 10-Apr-19 07:07:11

She has told you she has a busy week and will be too tired.why not just take that at face value and arrange another time,

adaline Wed 10-Apr-19 07:10:41

Is she annoyed the DC stayed with your in-laws and not with her?

ImTheCaddy Wed 10-Apr-19 07:11:39

I'd be very hurt. My mum has a busy social life (retired and widowed and making the most of it), but would never pass up an opportunity to see her grand kids.


BlueSuffragette Wed 10-Apr-19 07:11:49

She sounds jealous that they spent time staying with MIL. Sad she is making herself too busy to see them for an hour.

DointItForTheKids Wed 10-Apr-19 07:13:33

But Dana the OPs mum knew her DD and GCs were coming in advance. If the GC meant anything to her she'd have, to some reasonable extent, prioritised seeing them, not prioritised her own individual pursuits that she can do any time when her daughter hasn't driven two kids four hours there to see her!

My mum was the same, was only saying this on a thread the other day. We'd get there then she'd proceed to totally ignore both children. Bizarre. I eventually stopped trying because it was pointless, utterly pointless, she just simply didn't have the interest.

DointItForTheKids Wed 10-Apr-19 07:16:18

There you go ITheCaddy, your Mum's busy but she prioritises her GCs - that's how it should be done!

I very much believe in the very simple saying "Where there's a will there's a way". If she actually wanted to have a relationship with those GC she'd do whatever it took to see them. Clearly, she doesn't (which is incredibly sad, I can't imagine not wanting to see my GC if I ever get to have any, I love kids (!!)).

ifonly4 Wed 10-Apr-19 07:47:35

Just wondering if there is something else behind this. Is something bothering her about our relationship, so she doesn't really want to see you. Don't know how old she is but perhaps she's got to the age where she doesn't want to be hanging around in the park while the kids run around and play (thinking back my MIL and DM would come to park but you could tell wasn't for them, in fact, MIL would usually take herself off somewhere).

Maybe phone her today, saying you appreciate she's had a busy week but all of you would still love to see her offering another suggestion, ie coffee in a cafe.

ThreeAnkleBiters Wed 10-Apr-19 07:51:34

YANBU it's disappointing. My mum doesn't seem to enjoy time with us either although she'd probably at least find an hour if we were in the area.

Loopytiles Wed 10-Apr-19 07:51:42

On the face of it, yes, it’s hurtful. Is there a back story here?

Do MiL and your DM live near each other? If so, could the mothers have arranged a meet up themselves so that your DM could see the GC during their visit to MiL? My parents and sibling’s in laws do that sometimes.

Loopytiles Wed 10-Apr-19 07:53:03

Does she not even invite you and DC over for a cup of tea?

I personally hate the park! Cold, and for me very anxiety-inducing!

WitsEnding Wed 10-Apr-19 07:57:59

I would be worried that my Mum was hiding something, whether a health problem or something else that would be noticeable if you visited.

NoSauce Wed 10-Apr-19 07:59:02

Sounds like there’s something else going on with her OP?

Do you know what it is or could be? Has she always not been bothered or is this a new thing?

JenniferJareau Wed 10-Apr-19 08:02:03

Maybe she has a new man in her life?

MsTSwift Wed 10-Apr-19 08:04:05

I think the adoring grandparents is a stereotype. For every involved one there are just as many that aren’t really interested. My in laws are like this too. They emigrated because “there’s nothing to keep us in England” overlooking 2 sons and 3 grandchildren here.

wtfhaveIdonewithmykeys Wed 10-Apr-19 08:06:12

If I was your mum I’d dread going to the park but I’d have suggested meeting up in a cafe or I’d have invited you all to my house.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:11:28

Yes she spending regular time with my sisters two year old. I just dont get it either. The distance means we dont get down as very often.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:13:08

Usually we would meet for coffee or something. Never outstay my welcome.

Hoppinggreen Wed 10-Apr-19 08:15:33

Has she got the huff because they’ve been with the mil and you are calling in at hers on the way home?
Not saying there’s anythywrong with what you are doing but my Mum would be at least making pointed remarks if we did that

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:15:52

No! I will be going right by her house and she will be in. I know the last time I saw her she expressed how inhappy she was with my step dad as he is quite controlling.

havingtochangeusernameagain Wed 10-Apr-19 08:16:36

It does sound a bit like she's hiding something. Have you spoken to your sister about it?

I am usually first to say that grandparents have no obligation to take an interest in their grandchildren as they didn't choose to have them. But even then surely you can put yourself out for an hour.

havingtochangeusernameagain Wed 10-Apr-19 08:17:24

I'd pop by anyway, you've got the present. You don't need to stay, just say "here is your present, sorry not to see more of you this time, but will be in touch again next time".

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:18:13

Yes it is very sad. Strange thing is during the same day she text to say she couldnt wait to see us all. Then few hours later putting it off. My kids adore her. Its so important to have that relationship for both her and the children.

NoSauce Wed 10-Apr-19 08:18:42

Ask her what’s going on.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:19:07

Few days. I asked if she was free. It was all ok and she was looking forward to it

cheeserolls Wed 10-Apr-19 08:19:09

I suspect the step dad is behind this behaviour....

As per your latest post.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:20:14

MIL is about an hour from my Mum. They dont drive.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:21:03

Yes. Not sure what to do now. Thanks for reading

Sarahandco Wed 10-Apr-19 08:21:08

Is she upset that you have moved away? (presuming you have moved from home town)

I am not saying she should behave like that of course! but is she trying to be awkward because you do not live around the corner?

Definitely very selfish behaviour in any case. I would be tempted to tell her to get in touch when she can find the time and that you will wait for her to contact you.

BummyKnocker Wed 10-Apr-19 08:22:25

Controlling step dad - there is your answer. I really feel did you all.

BummyKnocker Wed 10-Apr-19 08:22:55

Feel for you all...

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:23:12

We try to come down every couple of months.

FookMeFookYou Wed 10-Apr-19 08:24:12

I'd just turn up to be fair... if DH can go somewhere with the kids for an hour? If it is the stepdad and he is around let's see if he is so controlling to your face. Obvs if the situation could become volatile or he is violent/abusive then don't but otherwise I'd have it out

zen1 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:24:21

I also wondered if the step-dad has something to do with it, particularly as she was so keen to meet up initially. He could have had a go at her because he didn’t want meeting up with you to affect their evening plans.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:25:03

Last time i was down ahe opened up to me and said if she could leave she would. Then it all seemed ok. I said their is always a room here for her

lablablab Wed 10-Apr-19 08:25:09

Be honest. You have nothing to lose.

Call her. Say you're upset and disappointed and wondered if you'd done anything to offend her. Ask her if she's ok, is there anything else going on.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:26:54

My children would love to stay with her bit she would never have them
Always says she had no room.

Sarahandco Wed 10-Apr-19 08:27:12

Sorry missed the update about stepfather. There might be some jealousy and if that is the case I would say don't fall out with your mum, she may be under pressure from a jealous partner. I would just drop in for a short visit to give her your present.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:28:21

Yes im upset. they will wonder why they arent goimg to see her

MissCharleyP Wed 10-Apr-19 08:28:52

babyspider I also had a friend who paid her mum to look after her child so my friend could return to work. Her mum worked p/t and she offered her mum the same money per week to look after the child as she needed to return to work and her mum couldn’t afford to give up her income either. I actually thought it was a nice, kind thing to do.

ALannisterInDebt Wed 10-Apr-19 08:30:00

She says your stepdad is controlling and yet she is out with friends every night this week?

I'd be leaving her present in her doorstep and then letting her know how hurt and disappointed you are.

Then leave the ball on her court.

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:30:05

Thats very sad for you.

NoSauce Wed 10-Apr-19 08:30:43

Last time i was down ahe opened up to me and said if she could leave she would

Obviously something is wrong then and it would appear it’s not because she doesn’t want to see you.

RandomMess Wed 10-Apr-19 08:31:01

This really could ALL be your stepdad trying to cut contact because he knows you would help your Mum leave.

I would drop by with a bunch of flowers as an excuse to check up on her.

Is the parent of your DN a half or full sibling?

FLOandOLLIE Wed 10-Apr-19 08:32:21

She has done similar before and we didnt talk but then she realised what she had done and was very sorry. Think I will just have to leave her to it and let her come back to me

MissClareRemembers Wed 10-Apr-19 08:35:28

Have you asked your sister? Does your DM see your niece at your DSis house or at her own house?

Bookworm4 Wed 10-Apr-19 08:35:34

Controlling husband is obviously the reason if she's went from looking forward to the visit to fobbing you off. Your mum sounds like she needs your help; I would pop round.

howmanyleftfeet Wed 10-Apr-19 08:38:14

This might not be about you at all.

Your mother is in an unhappy relationship with a controlling man.

She wants to leave.

Abusive men separate their victims from family. You have said you would support your mum to leave by giving her somewhere to run to. (Perhaps he even knows this.)

Controlling men don't suddenly become nice. If she confided in you she wants to leave but can't that's a massive red flag.

Could you suggest that you pop in on her for a cup of tea (or better still, get her out of the house) on your way to pick the DC up so it's just you- and check on her?

howmanyleftfeet Wed 10-Apr-19 08:39:05

Cross posts book worm!

woollyheart Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:03

Maybe just pop by and see her anyway. Say you were worried about her replies as they seemed out of character and you are checking she is ok.

ThreeAnkleBiters Wed 10-Apr-19 08:40:31

With the update I'd also be very worried the step dad was behind this. Is there any way she can come up to stay with you for a while?

PeachesAndMayo Wed 10-Apr-19 08:43:47

How about setting up a visit to yours for her? Maybe a weekend when she can be pampered and spoiled?

cheeserolls Wed 10-Apr-19 08:48:34

I wouldn't just turn up.... if he is being like that. Could cause no end of issues for her when you go... but I don't know how to sort it.
Who knows if she is really put with friends all the time ?

Even if you could get her on her own, if he is being controlling to a large extent, she won't see or want to see what he is doing. It sounds like she has chinks of seeing the issues and then is back to being blinkered again

A lot of us on MN have been in her position... I don't know what to suggest but go carefully.

Springwalk Wed 10-Apr-19 08:48:54

I have some similar problems with my mum. I would text her to say you and the children are very hurt and disappointed, and let her reflect on the message from you. I would then stop messaging her and post her birthday present to her.

I would consider distancing myself from someone who hurt me like this. Your dc relationship with their gp is not 'essential' and if your mother doesn't want a bond with them at some point you have to respect her decision. Not all gps want to be part of their gc lives, that is a fact.

It is important to be bright and breezy with your dc to shield them from this. Make an excuse that GM is getting old and tired, and you will all see her another time and change the subject. Whatever the issues with your mother, avoid getting the children involved.

Only you can decide whether you actually want a close relationship with someone that prioritises a night out over seeing her grandchildren that live far away and she rarely sees. She sounds really selfish to me.

cheeserolls Wed 10-Apr-19 08:50:44

Read the the thread springwalk.

MyNewBearTotoro Wed 10-Apr-19 08:55:56

What is the relationship with your stepdad and your sister like compared with his relationship with you?

Some people just don’t really like kids and being a grandparent doesn’t necessarily change that but it seems odd if she spends a lot of time with your sister’s daughter. I’m wondering if he is being controlling and trying to stop your Mum seeing you/ your children and that’s why she’s cancelled whilat sending out mixed messages. Would there be a reason your stepdad might be less happy for your Mum to spend time with you compared to your sister?

Gizlotsmum Wed 10-Apr-19 08:57:17

I would suggest you ask if you can just pop by to drop off her present and see her briefly as you and the kids really want yo see her even just for an hour

lyralalala Wed 10-Apr-19 08:59:21

Have you spoken to your sister in the last few days? Given your update I'd be wondering if she'd seen your sister recently. If she hasn't that's worrying.

Phone her and ask her if you can pop in with her present on your way to collect the kids. Even if it's out of your way I'd offer/do that because if she's in a controlling relationship and is acting out of character it sounds worrying.

Justkeeprollingalong Wed 10-Apr-19 09:08:07

That's really sad @Widowodiw. Did they have a good relationship before your husband died?
OP, ring your mum and tell her how hurt you are.

keenwasalad Wed 10-Apr-19 09:15:36

Honestly this doesn't sound like it's about you at all.
Is her DH abusive?
I would text her and say,
"Ok but we are going to pop in for a cuppa on way home so we can give you yr bday gift!"

Please. I think she needs a welfare check

outpinked Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:04

I suspect step dad is controlling to an extent he dictates where she goes, who she sees etc and he has told her to cancel seeing you because he doesn’t want to. She needs help.

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:20:51

I'd simply text to say "sorry you can't come out. But is it okay if we pop by for ten minutes so the children can give you your birthday present?"

saraclara Wed 10-Apr-19 09:22:18

I missed a page, and posted what keenwa salad had already said. And yes, I was thinking about it as part welfare check, too.

Loopytiles Wed 10-Apr-19 11:20:25

Major dripfeed there OP. So she’s in an abusive relationship.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 10-Apr-19 11:34:15

How can you out stay your welcome and your mums. I really don't get it, very peculiar.

Widowodiw Wed 10-Apr-19 20:07:20

@Justkeeprollingalong they were never the typical grandparents but yes they saw each other. The nan looked after them a lot in the early weeks of my husbands illness but that all stopped three weeks before he passed. A few texts asking what they want for Xmas but never a “how they doing?” The reason will be ya because they are grieving. Well so are my 7 and 10 year old but you just have time get on and make the most out if the situation.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »