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AIBU?

Urgent help please I just found out my boyfriend is an addict and I've left left him alone

63 replies

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 22:45

Suspected for a while that my very new boyfriend had a problem with drink. He is about 10 years older than me.

The times I see him he barely has any food in the house, will constantly want to meet to have a drink etc., but the type of job he has would make this quite normal socially (banker) and so I didn't really question it immediately.

However warning signs came when he started to look gaunt, would cancel dates because he was feeling sad and most unnervinng to me, would talk about past trauma in his life. Then the lack of money came - although a high salaried job, he would often struggle towards the end of the month with money to the point where I would offer to lend him money, which he did always pay back.

Anyway tonight I met him after work. He was wasted when I got there, staggering about and eyes half closed. I was a bit sad and tried to sober him up. However he got to the point where he started to tell me to fuck off and that I was a fucking cunt. I got upset and left, he followed me begging me to go back to his and forget it. I lost my patience a little bit said I wanted to go home and that he was an alcoholic and needed some help.

I got a taxi back and realised as I walked in the house that his keys are in my bag (he put them there saying he would lose them).

I looked at the keys and there is a UKAT Keyring on there. After googling I found that it is an addiction rehabilitation centre.

I feel so panicky right now - I've left him in town intoxicated and unbeknownst to me without keys. His phone is now off.

I Don't know what to do - I tried ringing the bar he was in and asking but they said they were closing. I'm a 40 minute drive away now.

I feel so guilty. He text me after I left saying please don't leave me and I just didn't respond. I've sent numerous texts now and calls to him and his friends but no response.

Can someone please help me what should I do?? I'm scared for his safety. I don't care that he's an alcoholic, I just want him safe and indoors it's so cold outside

OP posts:

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MitziK · 09/04/2019 22:49

He's probably been picked up by the Police and will be kept overnight for his own welfare/safety.

He won't just be an alcoholic if he's that wasted and skint - he'll be using drugs, too.

Send the keys back to his work. And, for your own welfare/sanity, end the relationship now.

Crunchymum · 09/04/2019 22:50

A banker can't drink their salary in booze.

Coke however......

Bodear · 09/04/2019 22:50

He’s likely been in worse states and will be fine. He’s not your responsibility so don’t let him kid you that he is. You did cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Be kind to yourself.

Bodear · 09/04/2019 22:51

Did NOT cause it. Whoops!

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 22:54

Yes I suspect cocaine use too. Which makes me more worried

OP posts:

changedtempforprivacy · 09/04/2019 22:54

What mitzik.said .
It's a very new relationship, you don't owe him.amything, he chose to give you his keys.
Speaking as someone divorced from.an alcoholic, please post his keys back to the office and cease all contact - protect yourself. He has access to help and knows where yo go - it's not your responsibilty

Orlandointhewilderness · 09/04/2019 22:57

He'll be fine. Moving on required I think OP.

Catmum26 · 09/04/2019 22:57

i was gunna say the same as Mitzik & Crunchy, he’d have to be drinking a hell of a lot to skint himself out every month if he really is a banker so there’s likely other addictions you don’t know about. get out now whilst it’s still early days. with regards to the keys are you able to drive back and put them under a flowerpot or the mat or something and then just text him to say where they are.

Goldenhedgehogs · 09/04/2019 22:59

Don't worry OP, you have done the right thing. This will not be the first time he has been locked out when pissed, so he will have developed strategies to manage this be it sleeping it off on a bench or if the start of the month checking into a cheap hotel or something else. Reasoning with him, discussing rehab are not things to be done tonight and I would be wary about further future contact. If he knows your address for your safety if he turns up do not let him in your home tonight, throw his keys out the window. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't call the police. If you must talk to him in future do it an a public space and be very wary about resuming a relationship with him.

SnapesGreasyHair · 09/04/2019 23:14

You are going to finish this relationship aren't you?

BlackSatinDancer · 09/04/2019 23:17

You are a 40 minute drive away. Not sure if you mean by taxi or whether you drive. If you do drive then I suggest you drive back to where you left him to return his keys. If he's not there then drive to his home to see if has arrived home only to find he doesn't have his keys.

HOWEVER I must admit to being confused by your post.

You say you've suspected for a while your very new boyfriend had a problem with drink. If he's so new how is it that you've suspected this for a while?

So, you started dating and noticed the lack of food at his place then he started cancelling dates, then you notice he started to look gaunt. This is over a time period. Presumably getting to the stage of looking gaunt takes time too and again I come back to you saying "my very new boyfriend".

Are you just bored so posting for fun or is this a genuine problem?

UterusUterusGhali · 09/04/2019 23:17

This isn't your battle. You don't owe him anything. He won't change for you.
Don't let him drag you down. Please. And I say this as an ex addict.

Also, he'll be fine. He's probably like this a lot.

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 23:19

I can't drive back because I have had a glass of wine. I know it wouldn't technically be over the limit but I am wary of driving with any alcohol at all especially when upset.

I just hate to think of him asleep on a bench somewhere. When there's no drink he's honestly lovely. I guess we all say that though.

I may get a taxi back and put the keys under his car and text him saying they are there. It will cost me 40 quid each way though costing me 120 tonight on taxis alone!

I'm suppose I am quite young and naive. He's 40 and I am mid 20s. I am also a counsellor so it's hard to walk away when I know he is struggling but I know I cannot fix him.

He is definitely a banker with a substantial salary. I've send bank statements and balances when he gets cash out. I've also rang him at work and met him outside. I've met friends he works with.

I dread to think what else he is spending it on.

I just want to give him a hug but that's stupid isn't it. Why couldn't i have just gone back to his and made sure he was safe

OP posts:

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 23:22

@BlackSatinDancer

Yes it is serious. I have been dating him since November. 5 months is a small amount of time.

I suspected since new year that he has a problem, I thought the excessive drinking was Xmas related and then excuses like oh he eats out, he's at the gym etc..

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2019 23:24

Why couldn't i have just gone back to his and made sure he was safe

Because he is an adult who a) you are not responsible for and b) has made it this far, with his addictions, without killing himself.

Stop feeling that you owe him his safety, he owes that to himself. If he isnt capable of making sure that he is safe then that is your problem, not his.

FYI, I run a pub and if I had someone who was clearly off their heads then I wouldnt be getting involved if you rang. I would refuse to serve him, chuck him out and then deny all knowledge if you rang. We have enough to deal with without passing on messages to pissed and coked up arseholes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2019 23:25

If he isnt capable of making sure that he is safe then that is your problem, not his.

Obviously I meant that is his problem, not yours. Sorry for the mistake!

AyoadesChinDimple · 09/04/2019 23:29

Get the fuck and stay the fuck away from him. It will be the best move you've ever made.

Tolleshunt · 09/04/2019 23:29

You're obviously a very caring person, and it's natural for you to worry about somebody who has got themselves into this state.

If you put your professional hat on, as a counsellor, you will know that it is important for him to overcome his problems for himself. You can't do it for him. You're not helping him in the long run if you enable him. You can't be his counsellor and his partner. If you were to continue the relationship it would likely be a co-dependent one. Yadda yadda. You know all this.

In your shoes, I would make sure you return his keys tomorrow, wish him well, and move on. You could point him in the direction of some professional help, if he is open to that.

DileenODoubts · 09/04/2019 23:34

You sound like a lovely person who wants to take care of people, however he’s not your responsibility.
He was able to take care of himself, hold down a job etc before he met you, he can take care of himself now, what would you do if you’d lost your keys on a night out, what’s he done previously? He’ll ring a friend/family or yeah sleep it off on a park bench or in a cell, maybe it’ll wake him up to the reality of his problem.
You’re not his saviour or his mother and you don’t have to rescue him.
Use your counselling skills and care taking skills on yourself and try to figure out why you feel responsible for him before yourself.

Servalan · 09/04/2019 23:37

You may be a counsellor, but you are NOT his therapist.

Also, if you are a counsellor, hopefully you know about boundaries.

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 23:37

@PyongyangKipperbang

Whilst I appreciate the point of your message, "coked up pissed up arseholes" is disrespectful to someone who has a genuine addiction for which help has been sought in the past.

I could quite easily reply with a similarly judgemental message about the amount go hard work you have to "deal with" working in a bar, but I won't.

OP posts:

AnduinsGirl · 09/04/2019 23:37

It is truly awful being in love with addicted, fucked up people like this, because they often put you in the role of "saviour" and at that moment when you come and bail them out, you're the most precious and special think in existence. Then suddenly you're irrelevant once again until the next meltdown. It's very selfish - OP - you're obviously the caring kind but you're worth more than this!

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user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 23:39

Yes. I know its time to end the relationship. It was just really advice on tonight and his safety, and of course I know that I cannot help him now. I just wish I hadn't have let him put the bleeding keys in my bag and I wouldn't have been thinking about it at all!!!

OP posts:

Seaweed42 · 09/04/2019 23:47

Text his phone and tell him you have the keys. Then go to bed.
He's been wandering about intoxicated before, for years and years before you met him. He has a Credit Card that works. He can go to a hotel. He'll be fine. He's an adult.
He turned his phone off. So he can turn it back on again.

midsummabreak · 09/04/2019 23:48

You are helping him . By being honest that he has hit rock bottom and needs to access professional support. Tell him getting help is his main priority and that both of you will not be happy in a codependent relationship doomed to fail. If he took your keys home he would be too drunk to realise let alone manage to organise himseld to return them. Return when safe to do so, with a friend if possible, say you are dropping them back on the way out with a friend

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