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Partner walked out

(48 Posts)
DeltaDawn13 Tue 09-Apr-19 21:53:27

DeltaDawn13

Hi,
I don’t even know where to start if I am honest.
My partner has again decided to walk out in my today over me asking him to tidy the house with me but if I am honest I think that this has just been the perfect excuse that he has needed to start an argument and well I fell for it hook line and sinker.
He has only been back 2 weeks after the last time that he walked out because he was not getting his own way and well before this he has left numerous times.
Last year was a crazy year for us both with his mum getting diagnosed with cancer and mine having a heart attack it all just built up and well he chose the wrong road as he fell back in with a crowd that he used to be friends with but hadn’t been since we got together and then he ended up taking drugs (cocaine) and eventually falling off the wagon after 14 years sober.
So when he was taking drugs I was oblivious to this for a few months and then when he ran up a debt this is when he told me and well promised that it would not happen again and he would not touch it but well he did and ran up more debt to the point that Christmas was cancelled as we couldn’t afford to do it as he was paying drugs off at £200 a fortnight.
He then blamed me because I was getting stressed out about Christmas and well I wanted to get our mums something at least after the year they had but no he has to pay debt and it got to the point that he left a couple off days before Christmas and I didn’t hear from him until the 27th as he told me he was ill and had been in bed and well I believed him.
I then took him back and because some things that he was slipping up about I went through his phone and well nope he had not been in bed he had been out putting goodness knows how much up his nose.
He again promised that it would not happen again and well I believed him and we were getting along until he was getting angry about nothing and everything and we argued and he left again.
I didn’t hear from him for over a week and I was round the bend and then he phoned and told me that he had started drinking and as soon as he said it I went and got him brought him home and he went through detox with me taking time off work and making sure that he was ok.
I felt that this brought us closer and well maybe just me kidding myself but he was so convincing that it had and that nothing would ever break us again and he blamed the stress off his mum and watching what she was going through and this was the final result but that this was all in the past and that was it we were going to have the life that we set out to.
For 3 weeks it was great and we were getting in better than we had ever and then arguing started and he throw a miscarriage in my face that I had to him last year and he was shouting that he didn’t believe me because there was no proof.
What I called him from the hospital at the time he told me that he would be there and hope he went with his friends to get drugs and I didn’t hear from him for days.
He hurt me the one way that I never thought he would and I asked him to leave because he had sickened me with what he said and he did.
He then phoned and messaged me a couple off days later saying how sorry blah blah blah and well yeah I took him back.
He has then left today over me asking him to help me in the house because it needs a deep clean as he does nothing all day and I am just as bad in the house atm but I do work full time I do clean but not a proper clean and I cook the meals.
He told me he was tired and that it can get done another day and if I believed that it could then I wouldn’t have minded but this is what I hear all the time.
He then went crazy and started name calling and well left again.
I called his family home because he has left all his items and well I know that he will start kicking off when he wants them and I wanted to get it arranged for him to get them and avoid this and his dad told me he was out so this is the final straw because the only place that he will be will be with his druggie friends again and well he owes £1500 that I know about but well this will double probably.
I just needed to get this all out because I feel like I am going mad and have no one that I can turn to.

BloodsportForAll Tue 09-Apr-19 21:59:58

For one, you must not take him back. I'm sure you can see that. I'm really sorry flowers

You deserve so much more than that. Do not let him back. You are suckering yourself big-time. He won't change.

Lockheart Tue 09-Apr-19 22:02:58

Let him go.

If the property is yours alone, change the locks.

Take his stuff to his family's.

Block his number.

Do not take him back, do not contact him again.

DeltaDawn13 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:04:43

Firstly thank you so much for your support I think just having written it lol and trading it back I am thinking why have I allowed this and him to do this to me.
I am just a mug and well I am not even upset this time I think I am more annoyed at myself for allowing him to treat me the way that he has and for me allowing him to do so.

Notreallyhappy Tue 09-Apr-19 22:06:40

Sorry your having a bad time, he doesnt deserve you...move on.x

GrumpyInsomniac Tue 09-Apr-19 22:07:01

Let him go and stay gone. Seriously. You deserve better than this, and he's just not engaged as an equal partner in the relationship or the household. Pack his stuff and tell his dad to come and get it.

C0untDucku1a Tue 09-Apr-19 22:10:34

Dony let him come
Back. He has no respect for you and is conditioning you not to ask him anything by keep
Walking.

sockatoe Tue 09-Apr-19 22:12:40

Congratulations. Yes, he's having a tough time, but it's clear that you trying to help him is not helping and is causing you hurt.
I'm sorry you've had a tough time too. I hope he gets the help he needs, but that's not you. I also hope you're over him soon xx

Aquamarine1029 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:14:27

Good riddance. Him leaving is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

DeltaDawn13 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:20:13

Thanks so much to you all for your words..
I know that he will never change and well he has just gave me the massive wake up call that I needed from him.
Nothing was ever enough for him and well now I don’t have to worry about that and just focus on getting me back.
I can’t believe that I have kept trying to cling to something that was never there and well time to have respect for myself and keep him out this time for good.

Nolagerformethanks Tue 09-Apr-19 22:30:49

I lived with someone addicted to weed and it was absolutely awful, I held on for years paying for it for him and all the bills etc as he couldn't keep a job due to his addiction. It left me in debt and when I look back now at how I lived my life I could cry. Please leave him, honestly it will be hard to start with, you will feel all kinds of guilt etc but you must take care of yourself and put your happiness first. I made the decision to leave and have never been happier now, married and have a lovely baby boy. Honestly your life will improve so much away from him and you deserve so much better! Go and get the life you deserve flowers

AvengersAssemble Tue 09-Apr-19 22:32:59

Change the locks, change your phone number and never let him back in again!

Windygate Tue 09-Apr-19 22:41:34

I apologise for being harsh but more fool you for taking him back repeatedly. End it, change the locks, block him and concentrate on yourself and your family.

Mintandthyme Tue 09-Apr-19 22:43:59

Thank your lucky stars he walked out.

DeltaDawn13 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:44:24

I think I have been trying to save someone instead of loving them and well holding out hope that it would go back to how it was at the start but to what result..
The one that I lose myself and what I work hard for every month my home because he thought at one time we had no money for the mortgage and well he didn’t care it was all down to me he still went and done what he wanted.
I am not saying I am a saint I am crabbit as anything but then again this was only when he antagonised me with his fowl mouth.
All I do is go to work come home and look after him and when he asks for things 9 X out of 10 he gets them and more.
I have let him use me so much and this is me just realising it because I have wrote it all down.

Cryalot2 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:46:54

Just reading your post made me want to cry for you. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
Remember you are loved and well rid.
flowers

YouBumder Tue 09-Apr-19 22:52:36

What a loser.

He’s done you a favour. Don’t have him back.

DeltaDawn13 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:57:39

No I think that this is the straw that has broken the camels back.
I just feel so stupid for wasting my life because that’s what I have done up to now so I need to stay strong this time and just get his things out my house and him out my life once and for all.
He has made it clear more times that he had to buy just not enough for me that he has no respect for me or feelings and just uses me as a fall back when he needs to get back in his feet a bit and well me being so silky and thinking that this time it will be different letting him back and no it gets worse I need to cut him out this time and keep it that way.
Thanks so much to you all and the support and the kick up the behind that I have needed to hear I appreciate it more than I can say.

Flakeyface Wed 10-Apr-19 09:49:00

You will not help him or yourself by taking him back . He needs to hit rock bottom to change.
I know it’s hard but you need to accept you need to protect yourself.

DeltaDawn13 Wed 10-Apr-19 10:23:59

I know and I thought that he had when he ended up back drinking after so many years sober and what he went through to come back off it again but well I guess not.
I tried to call his parents house to get his stuff arranged to be collected because right now everything I look at in my home is his and well I got sent to voicemail.
I can only imagine what he is saying about me to them and well that’s fine because he is their son so they will stick up for him no matter what and well I think that this has always been the case and always will be.
I am just so disappointed with myself that I have allowed him to be the way that he has been to me and still ran back and allowed him to continue to do the same over and over all because he has made me doubt my worth as a person never mind a partner.
I am just so low right now and well this is the perfect time I guess to start a fresh and just live my life the way that I should been.
I will have spare money for myself for once and not have to keep a user going with his wants and well there has been plenty.
I am so sick off being a fall back plan to him for him to use me and then when he has what he needs then leaving again.
He knows that when I called and been told that he was out last night that I will be worried sick and that’s my down fall that he has shown that he does not care about me but I am not able to just not care about him.
If only I was able to it would be so much easier.

gottastopeatingchocolate Wed 10-Apr-19 10:36:22

I can see that writing this down has really brought it home to you, OP.

I understand the feeling that you have to want to "save". Transfer that feeling onto yourself. Save you.

If it is your house, and you have no legal ties to him, give him back to his parents. Drop all his stuff back at his "family home". Change your locks. Block his number - for a while at the very least. I understand what you are saying about worrying, but it will eat you up. He has always been OK in the many times in the past - trust that he will be OK, but that it isn't your problem to fix. Get strong. Dream some dreams for you.

GreenTulips Wed 10-Apr-19 10:46:32

And so what if he bad mouths you to his parents? They know what he’s like. Don’t even let they be an issue.

Pack his stuff and dump it on their dive way

Change the locks
Block his phone
Think of things you want to do for you as you no longer have to support him

FuriousCheekyFucker Wed 10-Apr-19 10:47:11

Let him go, nobody needs this sort of shit in their life.

Drum2018 Wed 10-Apr-19 10:51:18

Well you know what you have to do this time - let him keep walking. Don't be a doormat. Do you both own the house. That will pose issues as you can't force him out if you do. If you rent jointly could you look for somewhere else?

user1471590586 Wed 10-Apr-19 10:55:48

I agree with the above comments including the one telling you to change the locks. I'm unclear as to whether you rent or own your home but I'm wondering whether you are likely to have his suppliers coming to your door looking for him. Will you need to move away? Also do you have any joint finances at all in case he runs up debts?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 10-Apr-19 10:57:09

Christ, you're so much better off without this loser!

Stop punishing yourself for taking him back. Just don't do it again!

He's an addict and it's up to him to sort himself out - not you. You can't 'fix' him. Impossible.

Change the locks. Plan a break. Stuff his belongings up into bin liners and stick them in one room so you don't have to look at them.

Go and spend some quality time with your Mum. This is the beginning of the rest of your life and you're going to soar without him dragging you down. You've got this. flowers

TheChiefBMS Wed 10-Apr-19 11:05:31

It's hard to see someone you love self destruct. You cannot stop it, though. By taking him back you may even be enabling him. Cut him loose, it's in the interests of you both.

Do all you can to sever financial ties as a matter of urgency and concentrate on mending the damage that has been done to you. It's the only possibly productive use of your time, money and efforts.

If he's to get better, he has to do it alone. You simply cannot help and trying will break you.

letsdolunch321 Wed 10-Apr-19 11:06:16

Have to agree, get your keys back dump his clothes behind your outside bin for him/parents to collect.

Let him become someone else's problem.

Concentrate on yourself, get your life back on track.

💐 Good luck

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 11:07:42

Tell him to keep walking . He’s taking the piss and you’re enabling him .

DeltaDawn13 Wed 10-Apr-19 11:27:38

I own the home and thank goodness for that he has ever worked since we have been together leaving it to me to pay everything and well I have been so I will be financially better off without him and his needs.

Drum2018 Wed 10-Apr-19 11:29:15

Delighted to hear that it's your house. Change the locks and don't look back!

letsdolunch321 Wed 10-Apr-19 11:45:48

Excellent that you own the house.

Onwards and upwards

greeneyedlulu Wed 10-Apr-19 11:59:22

Wow! He's done you a favour by leaving please realise you deserve better than him! Change the locks, pack his stuff up and take it to his family and never let him back in to your life!
It will be hard for a bit but once the dust settles you will definitely feel better and like a load has been lifted from you!
Chin up girl xx

Littleraindrop15 Wed 10-Apr-19 12:01:57

He sounds mentally draining and needy with no care in the world for you. You've put up with utter crap I couldn't do what you have done for so long. It will be hard for the first few weeks without him and your emotions will be all over the place and be doubting yourself but every time you feel like running back to him read your post to yourself. Remember there are so many decent blokes that would treat you so much better that you don't need to settle for this looser. You are strong and independent and you will be so much better off without him.

I would text him to tell him to pick up his stuff once you've put them in bin bags and don't fall for the sob story when he professes his undying love and how great life will be for you as he gives you the I will change give me a chance blurgh blurgh more vomit inducing stuff that will make you doubt your decision...he isn't Roméo he will just watch you wither away and continue being a class À prick.

Good luck x

DeltaDawn13 Wed 10-Apr-19 13:26:13

I know I just feel so stupid that I have wasted time.. love.. just me overall on him.
He was shouting when he was leaving you keep everything I want none off it but then I have just noticed that he has took a brand new jacket that I had just got him and other stuff with him but leaves his papas bible that should mean the world to him just need to stay strong this time and keep him away from me so I am off work today all his things are getting packed and he is getting told to collect them or I will phone and get the council to take them to the dump.

GreenTulips Wed 10-Apr-19 13:29:08

OP you need to set your bar higher

You can be chossy!!

Look for someone who is fun to be with and can pay their own way!

DeltaDawn13 Wed 10-Apr-19 15:34:09

I think that’s what it has been I think that I have been focusing on him for so long that I have forgotten about me and well my own well being.
After I had the miscarriage it was all just swept under the carpet and he didn’t want to talk about it because it was to hard for him well what about me and what I needed I went through it myself I couldn’t get out my bed for over a week totally drained mentally and physically but well he was no where to be seen and I am still physically getting over it and this is me just realising that mentally I haven’t dealt with it either because I was so busy dealing with him and his issues.
I keep reading over what I have wrote and I am like wtf why have I allowed myself to be treated like this with someone who was supposed to love me and think that I am the most important thing in the world but no I was just a bank and maid to him.

TheChiefBMS Wed 10-Apr-19 17:58:57

You are well out of it OP.

DeltaDawn13 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:37:36

So have found his mobile he has left this in my home and everything has been deleted on it he has no messages on it from anyone strange.
I have tried to contact him through his parents phone to be told that he has went out again and they do not know where he is.. yeah I am not going to lie I was just about to tell them that he was probably out getting full of drugs but they would just turn that round on me and say that I was lying so I am not trying to contact him again he gets paid tomorrow his JSA so I am sure that he will be having a good weekend and then it will be the come down and the poor me phase that he goes through and this will be when I will get the phone call because I normally give him sympathy and build him back up but well he is a grown man and his choices will have to have consequences and maybe one day he will realise that its time to grow up.

C0untDucku1a Thu 11-Apr-19 07:35:01

Block. His. Numbers.

Yougotdis Thu 11-Apr-19 07:43:31

Change the locks. Pack his stuff. Put it in a taxi and dump it on his parents door. If he has ever had access to your bank accounts change the details. If your paying anything for him like his phone cance1 the contract. Anything like Netflix etc then change the password

Monty27 Thu 11-Apr-19 07:49:30

OP that's really sad you've wasted your love, time and energy on this person. You deserve better. Don't down yourself any further and get him out of your life before he completely wrecks YOU.
flowers

Scrumptiousbears Thu 11-Apr-19 08:19:30

Have you changed the locks OP? If not do it now and block his number.

DeltaDawn13 Thu 11-Apr-19 09:41:48

He hasn’t got a key thank goodness I made sure that I got it from him before he walked out and I took the phone from him also before he left.
I feel so god damn stupid as I am worried about him and I am having that battle in my head with myself why should I be because he does not give a hoot about me in the slightest.
As I said he is paid today so he will be happy with his JSA and well he will be like a man with no arms for a couple off days and be spending it in well drugs I am presuming at this stage even though he knows that at the start off the month I bought him new clothes and well our food shopping was over £200 that’s before any bills were paid mortgage etc but he does not act like an adult so me being tight in cash this month will not even enter his mind and he will make sure he is ok with what he needs and screw me.
I just feel so so sorry for my dog and I know that this may sound silly but they both have some bond and well he was when he is here so good with him and they were together all the time while I was at work and now I am stressing about this and who I can get to look after him while I am working but again that is something that does not cross his mind he just does what he wants and I am left to pick up all the rest.
Break down day today I think as I need to get the dog sorted and well no one to help I am going to try and ring round places that come and walk him while I am out but he gets anxious if he is left himself offft just wish I had stayed strong the first time and by now I would have had a routine off me and my boy (dog) and he would have been a distant nightmare thought to me.

IJustLostTheGame Thu 11-Apr-19 09:51:39

If you're struggling to find a dog Walker it might be an idea to join borrow my doggy in the meantime.
I look after and walk a few dogs from time to time on there as I'd love a dog of my own but due to circumstances I can't have one.
I wouldn't try to contact his family again, they will be entirely on his side. Gather his stuff together and take it to theirs.
He has done you a favour by leaving.
You can find yourself again and meet someone worthy of you in the future.
flowers

billybagpuss Thu 11-Apr-19 10:00:19

I think a dog walker once a day will cost you much less than keeping an addict in his addiction. Dog will be fine.

flowers for you and you know you are doing the right thing. Unless he is prepared to help himself and be an adult, get some help, get a job, there is nothing more you can do for him.

All the best

C0untDucku1a Thu 11-Apr-19 10:44:09

The dog will be fine. He will adapt.

HopefulAgain10 Thu 11-Apr-19 11:03:21

Op now that you have come to your senses, it only one way from here and that's forwards. Can you get a friend of yours to drop all his stuff at his parents place? That way you dont have to deal with him and rid off his presence in your home.

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