AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.


Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

[TimetohittheroadJack]

You could reply to the texts ‘that’s very kind X would love to come over for a play date. What day and time will I drop x off?’

[MarvinMarvinson]

I would have totally read that text as an invite and replied with 'he'd love that thanks, when do you want him?'! Are they really trying to invite their kids over to yours?! That's outrageous!

[Knittedfairies]

Not at all grumpy. You're right to give your eldest child the peace to do his/her GCSE revision without extra children about. Time to put your foot down!

[YouTheCat]

I think it's entirely fair, especially as you have an older child who needs some peace to revise.

[Aquamarine1029]

"Sorry, that doesn't work for me"
"I'm not available, as I'm so busy with my own family. I'm sure you understand"
"No"

The only 3 responses you need. Their children are not your problem.

[strathmore]

Or,XX has GCSEs so we are not hosting playdates but YY would love to come to you, when are you offering?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Of course YANOTBU = blimey.
You have 4 of your own.
You don't owe anyone anything!
Stop feeling like you 'should' do these things.
Do not feel obliged.
Stop people pleasing and do what you want!!!!

[BlueSkiesLies]

Yup will fully misunderstand and ask what day your child is going to their house :-)

[StealthPolarBear]

Rant away that's shocking

[HedgerowTree]

Reply as above. They would love to come over as you are having nonone at yours due to exams. Or just reply sorry you are busy. No explanation. Of course they are CF

[bengalcat]

Nope not unreasonable - perfectly fine excuse as your GCSE kid needs a bit of peace and quiet to revise - one could argue your other kids should get out of the house - however some requests might be genuine rather than looking for childcare

[SosigDog]

Agree, respond as an invite and ask when they want your DC. How rude to invite yourself to someone else’s house! You invite them to yours and wait for an invitation to theirs - you don’t just invite yourself!

[Comefromaway]

Good grief no, the last thing your eldest wants if they are trying to revise for GCSE's is a house full of younger kids.

YANBU.

[HollowTalk]

I would hate that! Who would want to look after someone else's children for nothing and at very short notice? As for the nannies doing it - I would tell the parents that's what they were doing.

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

Yanbu!! Can you reply something along the line of 'great! How about tuesday? I can drop DD off at yours at x o'clock'

[outpinked]

Not unreasonable in the slightest, they are CF’s. You have four children of your own to contend with, that is more than enough!

[Ragwort]

Wow, people are really using you, so rude. I would just reply back ‘not arranging any play dates/sleepovers this Easter as my eldest is revising for GCSEs’. You could add.... ‘my DC would love to come to your house, what date is convenient?’ Or would that sound too passive aggressive .

Stand firm. I was a SAHM and if it suited me I would invite the DC of my working friends for play dates occasionally during the holidays, I have an only child so it was nice for him to have friends to play with plus I always knew I would get reciprocal invites back, but your ‘friends’ are being CFs.

[TowelNumber42]

YANBU nor are you being grumpy.

It might not be failure to arrange childcare though. I do more play dates and sleepovers over the holiday because there is more availability with clubs being off and schools being off and because children start missing their friends. Of course, I invite them to ours on my days off, not invite mine to theirs! Normally its hard for us to find a time when I can have their children. Maybe they are genuinely offering to have your children at their place?

[mummmy2017]

I read that as they want your child to sleepover..
Just add you can't reciprocate as other children are revising this holiday.

[noworklifebalance]

Of course they can ask and of course you can say "no" - simple, really.
Not sure why you feel in any way that it's unreasonable for you to decline politely - along the lines of "unfortunately, we are unable to that day" or "unable to host but can drop DS to you if that suits" etc would suffice.

[AnnaNutherThing]

You are very good to have had the kids for the half-day Friday and I'd have been extremely grateful for it!

Personally I'm very over sleepovers, unless it's a special treat such as s birthday.

[Serenity45]

YANBU in the slightest! Cheeky fuckers (didn't want to abbreviate as I feel strongly here!!). I don't have kids yet (about to adopt) but I'm learning on MN what to look out for and avoid like the fucking plague

[harrietpn]

Rant away, this is outrageous. I've had other Mums (not friends) ask me to do the school run for their children who aren't even friends with DS.

[4catsonthesofa]

There are at least 4 mums who do this every holiday without fail. It’s so predictable and obvious. “When are you free next week - x wouid live to see DD and will bring her slime over / love to see you new kitten blah blah.”

With one particular mum I just didn’t reply last week as I find it so annoying. She always wants to pin down a day, but I just like to keep things flexible in the holidays. She wanted her daughter to come here today. She does have a nanny but she works elsewhere and only starts at 4.30pm, which means she has the days to fill. This morning my DD made a last minute plan to go to her friends and hey presto, the other girl was there as well.

This mum also wanted me to collect her daughter from school every day and “just hold onto her” until the nanny could get here for 4.30. I did this two days a week for about a year, but then I just got fed up with it, so made up an excuse.

[Kaddm]

You have the perfect excuse with the eldest and GCSEs:

Sorry X is really stressed about GCSEs and I need to keep the house calm and quiet for him/her. Have my hands full with all 4 so we aren’t doing playdates this holidays.

People who do childcare by stealth to SAHMs are wankers. It would be totally different if someone said: I’m having a really stressful time, my father is in hospital and I have exhausted my annual leave and my dh is overseas for work. Would you be able to look after Y for me so I can work that afternoon and in return, I’d happily have your 10yo for a sleepover when I pick Y up later. It would be so different.