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To not want to communicate through daughters grandparents

(32 Posts)
lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 13:43:17

My daughters father wants me to communicate through his parents and I have done the past 4 years as he gave me ultimatum that otherwise he would not see my daughter and I was desperate for her to have a meaningful relationship with him. The parents are very strange and I first met them back in the 90s when they were high on pills at a rave with their own kids, one of whom was 14 at the time. They are dysfunctional and co-dependent in many ways. I've said that I don't want to communicate through them anymore as they are quite intimidating and manipulative, if I don't do what they want they bad mouth me widely, including they have been into the school before and complained to teachers. So, regardless, they are not backing down and seem to feel they are well within their legal right to have me continue to go through them regardless of the impact on my self esteem / MH (which they say is irrelevant). On top of this the father refuses to have my daughter in school holidays or visit her in her home town, and I feel her travelling over 100 miles every fortnight is too much for her. I've tried to raise the issue several times over the past few years and each time they said no mediation and they just wont see my daughter. The last straw came at Xmas when without mine or my daughters knowledge this was going to happen, her father left her at his sisters on Xmas day for the remaining two nights, taking her siblings back to the family home with him. So I told the grandparents in December that I wont have contact with them and for my daughters father to contact me directly, and they adamantly refuse and are now taking me to court. To add insult to injury they now refuse to have my daughter ever again for Xmas (she loves double presents!) as I've dared to rock the boat. I could go on and on, my self esteem is in shatters after dealing with this family for nearly 7 years, do I stand a chance in court? Having to pull out of buying my first home to fund a case so currently not got legal advice

Cherrysoup Tue 09-Apr-19 13:48:52

You need to gather evidence eg of their drug taking and their unreasonableness and his about refusing to see your dd in her home town. Making her travel isn’t ideal. How old is your dd? Is she of an age when she can have a say in where she’s goes/what she does?

Drum2018 Tue 09-Apr-19 13:50:39

I was desperate for her to have a meaningful relationship with him

Why? He sounds like a dick. Block the lot of them. Her father obviously doesn't give a damn about her and the others have no business threatening court. What do they expect to achieve if the father isn't even bothered with her?

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 13:52:42

Thanks Cherry, I have dug out some blurry photos from back then but nothing concrete. The nan did tell me recently she had been taking iboga (spelling) at a festival but again no recorded evidence. My daughter is 6 and was begging me not to send her fortnightly beginning of the year but after not going for a few months is keen for every other weekend now. Her progress at school has rocketed the past few months and she is more confident in herself. I think I have in emails that he wont see her in her home town

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 13:54:31

Drum, I think he is bothered, he was just saying that to control me as they know I want [redacted] to have a father. Regardless now being told they cant have their way they are determined

*Identifying information edited by MNHQ*

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 09-Apr-19 13:54:39

He left her at Christmas but took all her brothers and sisters with him? Your dd does not need that in her life.

Nearlythere1 Tue 09-Apr-19 13:58:47

I mean, of course they can't demand you only communicate with them, that's ridiculous. Have they actually started court proceedings? On what basis?! It's the dad's job to communicate with you! The grandparents dont have any bloody rights! Sounds like they're bluffing.

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:00:26

I've said I wont talk to the grandparents anymore, so they've come back and said I have to find someone else to communicate with the grandparents, and to just leave my daughter on their driveway and text them hmm. Honestly Im just so done with these strange folk

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:01:26

I have had a solicitors letter, I too think they are bluffing but know how dysfunctional and controlling the grandad is that he will take this to the end rather than back down. I should mention they are wealthy also so solicitors fees no problem

Parker231 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:02:39

Why do you want her to have a relationship with her father when he obviously isn’t bothered?

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:02:55

Nearlythere1 they are coming from angle that ie communicated through them and its 'worked well' for them (aka ive been too nervous to raise any issues) for 4 years and now ive changed for no reason

Stickmangate Tue 09-Apr-19 14:03:56

Op in your post of 13:54 I think you may have used your daughters name.

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:04:39

Parker123 initially it was because of my own issues that I was kept from my dad and then he died. Now its because my daughter has a bond with her siblings and extended family (but interestingly says she doesn't feel she knows her dad well). Regardless, a judge will award both parents contact whether he's bothered or now

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:06:17

Thankyou Stickmangate have requested comment be removed!

Toooldtocareanymore Tue 09-Apr-19 14:16:51

so long as you don't refuse to let him- your ex see your dd, so long as you say to him you can pick her up every second Friday at home at whatever time I cant see you can be forced to have any dealings with her gp's. You're not saying your ex isn't allowed bring her to gp's for a visit just your not doing it any more, after 4 years. You can put together a reasonable argument for the courts that its too much for you to do, and your dd looses out, she's older now more aware, transporting her and leaving in grandparents driveway is not acceptable ( hope you have proof of that suggestion) you can explain what happened at x-mas, as reason you don't want to interact with other family members, and I assume you can get evidence of them interfering in her school, for your own sake get this sorted out properly, get some legal advice, what you'll do about xmas and holidays going forward, it sounds like he wont pursue it, then they will have to explain to courts why they are getting involved if he isn't. sounds like they are trying to bully you and they are thinking they can assert their way into having rights that simply are not legally theirs. but you need proper advice on this just stay strong only send messages to your ex and be direct in only discussing access to his daughter is open to him.

Acis Tue 09-Apr-19 14:26:47

What exactly is it that they're asking for?

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:28:11

Thank toooldtocareanymore I'm ever so stressed about it but trying to remain strong. I've said no contact with GP now and will not go back on this position now as I just cant handle them (I did cave once before as could see daughter wanted to see her siblings and I think they've taken this as fear and gone one step further whereas actually I wanted my daughter to have access to family member as she wishes). I think you are right the father wont pursue it, as I believe its the GP who have been with solicitor etc. they've made it quite clear they will try to turn my daughter against me when she is older and the nan keeps telling me with glee she is certain my daughter will go off the rails as a teenager shock. Already started getting evils again at local shop as the story is I'm blocking contact but I can cope with and am used to that!!

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:30:44

Acis, they want me to make all arrangements through the intimidating grandparents, have her travel every other weekend 100 miles plus and refuse to have her holidays or special occasions, let her speak to me when she 's homesick and element of parental alienation as they undermine and badmouth me to her whenever possible. They say they are happy for me to make all parenting decisions but in reality one of the nans favourite topics of conversation is criticism of me and my parenting. Have made sure they have no contact with school etc now but they still live locally

lalasmum11 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:33:48

That sounds very unhealthy for your daughter. Be strong and say you will only communicate with her father. They have no rights. How is she treated those weekends? That’s awful about leaving with her siblings.

Ignore any rumors or trouble they are trying to cause.

onlyk Tue 09-Apr-19 14:38:10

I’m assuming you’re uk based.

Grandparents in the uk have no rights to access etc. so the basis that “they” can take you to court would be if you were denying access to the father their son. However you can paid a solicitor to send any kind of legal letter etc with any kind of legal sounding threat but doesn’t mean it’ll stand up in court.

Get your own legal advice get them to send a letter to the father that your happy for him to have access EOW and he’s welcome to pick her up but the grandparents are not to pick up due to their behaviour towards you.

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:42:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:47:48

Used name again sorry! Aware and reported. onlyk that's a good idea, have contacted for MIAM too as believe they are open to mediation too, though the dad is refusing to be in same room as me so will be shuttle. Handily I have an email from him saying how oversensitive he is and giving the example that he made out his wife beat him up after the first time they dated (which is laughable). I have never met such controlling and manipulative individuals its left me in a state at times and life has been miles better since contact paused

Marmalady75 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:49:26

You’ve used your dd’s name again OP.

lilycaroline12 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:55:20

Thanks Marmalady have reported

LittleOwl153 Tue 09-Apr-19 14:56:45

If you suspect parental alienation as about your daughter having her own court appointed representation.

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