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4 children with 4 different mothers

(136 Posts)
MrsA111alone Tue 09-Apr-19 09:07:54

Hi,
I have been married for just over a year and have known my dh for just over two years
When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6. He is close to his eldest who now has kids of his own, his middle girl does not like him and his youngest calls him for money and when she needs help. He told me about another child that was born with another women that he was present for the birth for but the relationship did not last and he was told that the child was not his.
Fast forward 15 years and the mother of this child contacted my th to say that her daughter wanted to speak to him. He immediately messages her and she replied saying she wanted to meet her biological dad. He is now v excited about this and has barely told me about the co conversations they have had. Apparently the man who was living with them both as family believing he was the dad left when the mum said the girl w as not his.
M y relationship with my husband is already at a low as he has taken offence to me being friends with my ex during the beginning of our relationship. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this.
I have two children both have the same dad from a 15 year relationship. Their dad is ok and we get on fine.
I don't know if this can now work, with the pressure he has put me under about my ex, and now how excited he is to have 4 children with four women. I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.
Is it unreasonable to be upset aboutthis?
Any advice would be greatly received
Thank you for reading this

Goldmandra Wed 10-Apr-19 13:59:20

Getting legal advice is a good start.

Next you need to get back in touch with your friends.

Then you need to do the Freedom Programme online. It will help you understand what has happened to you and why.

This man is a classic coercive controller. This is not your fault. You deserve an awful lot better flowers

MarthasGinYard Wed 10-Apr-19 13:12:33

'Going to look for a solicitor now.'

Just read update Op

Apologies, sounds like a plan

Regain some power

MarthasGinYard Wed 10-Apr-19 13:11:09

'When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6.'

Yea ok, well that's convenient.

And you chose to be in a relationship with The Sperminator.

Why set your bar so low?

MrsA111alone Wed 10-Apr-19 12:48:26

Feeling so humiliated, thank you for your positive messages, it is a bit of light in a really dark time.

polarpig Wed 10-Apr-19 12:28:58

I think you need to work on your self esteem and look at you and what you are worth and then realise that you don't need to settle for a life with this man, you are worth so much more and there will be the right man out there for you.

UCOinanOCG Wed 10-Apr-19 12:19:13

Have you ever lived together? How old are your DC?

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:41:37

* everything that’s yours (maybe some good stuff that’s his 😉)

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:40:27

And you love the man you thought he was or pretended to be . He isn’t that person . Actions have proven that . Forget about him and move on before you are the mother of baby number 5 .

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:39:03

You don’t even live with him and are financially independent. Fuck him ! Just ignore him . Take everything from his house and go home . If he has keys to your house , change the locks . This wouldn’t end well and I wouldn’t give him the drama he obviously thrives on . There are good men out there if you want companionship. Date them, shag then go on holiday with them but don’t marry them . It’s not worth it . And contact your friends , organise a night out, drink cocktails, dance and talk . Lots and lots of talking.

HotChocolateLover Wed 10-Apr-19 10:35:46

He really doesn’t sound like much of a catch OP. Sorry to say it. My ex has 3 children by 3 women (my DS being the first) and he’s a shit dad. Don’t trust a man who acts like your DH does. It isn’t a good sign.

LetsSplashMummy Wed 10-Apr-19 10:24:00

Your old life sounds stress free, full of friends and not doubting yourself (because your reality wasn't based on bluster and untruths). What has improved for you by having this man in your life?

I don't believe he has had all this bad luck and so many people have been awful to this poor victim. I think he exaggerates a lot and is a bit of a fantasist - I also think you know this deep down. I suspect he has conversations with his friends that go like:

"I feel so tied down, marriage is stifling... moan, moan"
"Sometimes I wish I was free and single and could shag around..."
Friends: "Just do it then, stop whinging and do it."

Then he reports to you that they are all against you and wish he could just shag around. Why would they even care? Have you ever wished your friends could shag around? He is totally starting these conversations and then spinning it to you in a manipulative way.

The ex wife probably had a business, did most of the work, but he dabbled a bit and his ego meant he felt like he was entitled to this business - obviously lawyers etc disagreed but his friends telling you the "facts," have only told you his side.

If you were fine with him having three children with strange baggage and soap opera drama, then a forth isn't that much of a change. Don't focus on that, focus on the way he spins it all, focus on how it makes you feel unstable and insecure. Focus on whether or not you like feeling this way.

Use your critical thinking skills here, think what you would think if this was a TV or book character, you would see a wheeler dealer with no depth and you would be rooting for his wife to catch on and dump him. We are all rooting for you!

Clutterbugsmum Wed 10-Apr-19 10:08:42

The trouble is YOU wanted to be married more so you never got to know him.

You have known him 2yrs and you have already been married for more then a year. Don't waste another year on this lying, cheating man. There is a reason he doesn't want to live with you and it's not your children.

You need to put your children first.

fargo123 Wed 10-Apr-19 09:59:17

I'd imagine four children is the tip of the iceberg and that there are more out there.

The fact all the woman known about so far kept him out of their childrens' lives for the first few years of their lives is very telling in itself. Either that, or he did know full well about them and refused to step up. Neither option paints him in a good light.

JinglingHellsBells Wed 10-Apr-19 08:13:32

Well done.

It's a pity he won't get himself to a shrink to get his own head sorted before he fucks up any more women's lives.

He is clearly a man with no morality (and I don't mean he's promiscuous) but simply no compass as to what is good and bad behaviour and how to handle relationships.

I wonder what his own parents think of him? He's someone's little boy and something has gone badly wrong somewhere along the line.

nrpmum Wed 10-Apr-19 07:04:20

Get a good one Mrs

flowers he is an absolute bell end and you deserve better

MrsA111alone Wed 10-Apr-19 06:43:19

You are all correct, I was at his house last night and there was a message on his phone from the kids mother asking if when he said he loved her if he meant it or as in a friend.
He went crazy shouting at me calling me all types of horrid names and that he was trying to help a child. . The message below it said that the 15 year old child enjoyed spending time together as a family. I
I feel really humiliated. I believed what he told me.
Going to look for a solicitor now.

Ihatehashtags Wed 10-Apr-19 03:49:25

He sounds like absolute trash. Jeremy Kyle territory. Where is he finding all these women to impregnate?!!! He clearly doesn’t make good choices. I’d run a mile right now.

VladmirsPoutine Wed 10-Apr-19 01:23:12

Really?
JFC!

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Apr-19 23:39:59

Oh FGS, waiting 40 years is absolutely the wrong reason to get married.

I'm 41, single, and don't need to be married to know my self worth. You have a self esteem problem if you think that settling for this twerp is all that you are worth.

MagicKingdomDizzy Tue 09-Apr-19 20:50:13

It's half term isn't it?

Al2O3 Tue 09-Apr-19 19:43:01

You are the sponger of his penis. The housekeeper. The cleaner of the royal dock. This great lord will fertilise a few more wombs while you keep feeding him. Your prize bull.

JinglingHellsBells Tue 09-Apr-19 19:28:43

Look the fact you can't be an integrated family living together speaks volumes.

I suspect your DH said he didn't want the children. Yes?

Why would your home not be 'calm' if you lived together as a married couple?

How old are your children?

Do they know you are married?

Do they ask why your husband isn't living with you all?

How do you manage to have a life together if you live separately? ie a sex life, meals as a family, outings etc?

I know of couples who are married or have partners and they keep their own homes, but it's always been a temporary plan till the children leave home or reach 18.

If you look at the bare facts of this:

- he's been married and divorced twice
-he has 4 children with 4 women but none was his wife
-he married you after a whirlwind romance (perhaps because you simply wanted to be married and looked over his bad history of relationships.)

Your friends saw this, warned you, you took no notice so they have in fact washed their hands of you. That may not be right but it's understandable and perhaps tells us a lot about him if they have walked away from you.

IMO he doesn't sound remotely committed to you. Look at how he behaved about you keeping in touch with your ex. Look at how he wants to 'parent' a poor 15 yr old who is confused enough by her stupid mother, and now he's on the scene, trying to show he cares for a child who is likely not his.

This is a disaster.

If your self worth is so low that you can accept this 'marriage' and not know what you want, then at the very least get yourself to Relate or a private counsellor and talk this over with someone impartial.

You only have to read all the comments here to see how utterly awful HE seems and people cannot understand why you can't see that for yourself.

Have you ever had safe, unconditional love yourself, because you seem devoid of boundaries when it comes to men's behaviour.

Madfoodie Tue 09-Apr-19 19:14:02

This is a trainwreck.

MrsA111alone Tue 09-Apr-19 19:04:10

That is a good questio, I don't know what I want to do.
I could elaborate on many points, the phrase 'waited 40 years to get married ' is a bit misleading, I just meant I hadn't met anyone who I wanted to marry. My husband is very charming and literally we had the (sounds barking) whirlwind romance.
My friends did not like him and it was not because I chose to ignore them but asked them for support not criticism for my choice. I support ed them through numerous crazy times without judging, it should be give and take, shouldn't it?
We do not live together as I want my children i n a calm environment. They love my house so if they are happy that's all I want.
I think the dh is now going to use his time trying to help the 4th (potentially) child and her family. As someone mentioned he likes the honeymoon period only. At least the 15 year old will get support.
Thanks everyon e again. At least I feel like maybe I'm not totally in the wrong for how I feel.

JinglingHellsBells Tue 09-Apr-19 17:47:04

@MrsA111Alone

I think there is more to this than you are saying.

You have drip fed us.

Why didn't you say at the start you were separated? You say you and your kids don't live with your husband. What sort of marriage is it exactly?

If you waited 40 years to get married (there are plenty of posts about that comment!) why are you not even living together?

This does not sound like a normal marriage.

And his ex with the 15 yr old daughter sounds utterly mad. What kind of woman would spring it on a 15 yr old that her 'father' was not her father and someone else was - WITHOUT ANY PROOF- and then initiate contact between them?

The fact you have no friends suggests they tried to warn you NOT to marry this man- they knew what he was- and you went ahead despite their best efforts to stop you. BUT you were so keen to get married ( aged 40?) that you ignored their opinions and went ahead.

I suspect they have given up as you wouldn't listen.

What is your plan now?

What do you want to do?

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