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4 children with 4 different mothers

(136 Posts)
MrsA111alone Tue 09-Apr-19 09:07:54

I have been married for just over a year and have known my dh for just over two years
When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6. He is close to his eldest who now has kids of his own, his middle girl does not like him and his youngest calls him for money and when she needs help. He told me about another child that was born with another women that he was present for the birth for but the relationship did not last and he was told that the child was not his.
Fast forward 15 years and the mother of this child contacted my th to say that her daughter wanted to speak to him. He immediately messages her and she replied saying she wanted to meet her biological dad. He is now v excited about this and has barely told me about the co conversations they have had. Apparently the man who was living with them both as family believing he was the dad left when the mum said the girl w as not his.
M y relationship with my husband is already at a low as he has taken offence to me being friends with my ex during the beginning of our relationship. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this.
I have two children both have the same dad from a 15 year relationship. Their dad is ok and we get on fine.
I don't know if this can now work, with the pressure he has put me under about my ex, and now how excited he is to have 4 children with four women. I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.
Is it unreasonable to be upset aboutthis?
Any advice would be greatly received
Thank you for reading this

LetsSplashMummy Wed 10-Apr-19 10:24:00

Your old life sounds stress free, full of friends and not doubting yourself (because your reality wasn't based on bluster and untruths). What has improved for you by having this man in your life?

I don't believe he has had all this bad luck and so many people have been awful to this poor victim. I think he exaggerates a lot and is a bit of a fantasist - I also think you know this deep down. I suspect he has conversations with his friends that go like:

"I feel so tied down, marriage is stifling... moan, moan"
"Sometimes I wish I was free and single and could shag around..."
Friends: "Just do it then, stop whinging and do it."

Then he reports to you that they are all against you and wish he could just shag around. Why would they even care? Have you ever wished your friends could shag around? He is totally starting these conversations and then spinning it to you in a manipulative way.

The ex wife probably had a business, did most of the work, but he dabbled a bit and his ego meant he felt like he was entitled to this business - obviously lawyers etc disagreed but his friends telling you the "facts," have only told you his side.

If you were fine with him having three children with strange baggage and soap opera drama, then a forth isn't that much of a change. Don't focus on that, focus on the way he spins it all, focus on how it makes you feel unstable and insecure. Focus on whether or not you like feeling this way.

Use your critical thinking skills here, think what you would think if this was a TV or book character, you would see a wheeler dealer with no depth and you would be rooting for his wife to catch on and dump him. We are all rooting for you!

HotChocolateLover Wed 10-Apr-19 10:35:46

He really doesn’t sound like much of a catch OP. Sorry to say it. My ex has 3 children by 3 women (my DS being the first) and he’s a shit dad. Don’t trust a man who acts like your DH does. It isn’t a good sign.

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:39:03

You don’t even live with him and are financially independent. Fuck him ! Just ignore him . Take everything from his house and go home . If he has keys to your house , change the locks . This wouldn’t end well and I wouldn’t give him the drama he obviously thrives on . There are good men out there if you want companionship. Date them, shag then go on holiday with them but don’t marry them . It’s not worth it . And contact your friends , organise a night out, drink cocktails, dance and talk . Lots and lots of talking.

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:40:27

And you love the man you thought he was or pretended to be . He isn’t that person . Actions have proven that . Forget about him and move on before you are the mother of baby number 5 .

Purpletigers Wed 10-Apr-19 10:41:37

* everything that’s yours (maybe some good stuff that’s his 😉)

UCOinanOCG Wed 10-Apr-19 12:19:13

Have you ever lived together? How old are your DC?

polarpig Wed 10-Apr-19 12:28:58

I think you need to work on your self esteem and look at you and what you are worth and then realise that you don't need to settle for a life with this man, you are worth so much more and there will be the right man out there for you.

MrsA111alone Wed 10-Apr-19 12:48:26

Feeling so humiliated, thank you for your positive messages, it is a bit of light in a really dark time.

MarthasGinYard Wed 10-Apr-19 13:11:09

'When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6.'

Yea ok, well that's convenient.

And you chose to be in a relationship with The Sperminator.

Why set your bar so low?

MarthasGinYard Wed 10-Apr-19 13:12:33

'Going to look for a solicitor now.'

Just read update Op

Apologies, sounds like a plan

Regain some power

Goldmandra Wed 10-Apr-19 13:59:20

Getting legal advice is a good start.

Next you need to get back in touch with your friends.

Then you need to do the Freedom Programme online. It will help you understand what has happened to you and why.

This man is a classic coercive controller. This is not your fault. You deserve an awful lot better flowers

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