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When to announce pregnancy to expecting DB?

(43 Posts)
SchoolOfLife2 Tue 09-Apr-19 00:29:03

Hi all,

Hope you are having a good evening.

So I’m pregnant with second baby. First baby was the first in both sides of grandparents and received so much attention and celebrations. He is now 1.5 years and still getting a lot of attention which I’m grateful for.

My brother, whose wife has been hopeful for a baby for a very long time, as well as him, announced pregnancy 2 month ago. They were scared she can’t get pregnant for medical issues. It was very much anticipated news and everyone is so happy for them, especially me. He is really excited sending scans of his baby. He lives really far away and his baby and him won’t have a chance to meet the grandparents anytime soon and it gets to him. And he is getting positive attention which he never had much of before.

My brother and I were always compared as children. I was golden child and he was scapegoat.. I don’t think he fully recovered from it. I was always empathetic and tried to put myself down so he feels better but I don’t think that’s what it takes to make it better.. he has been trying to be good but in many ways I feel he doesn’t enjoy feeling “behind” me.. my father is also not sensitive to his feelings and I don’t want something like pregnancies to be coming between us or to be used to make him feel crap.

We got closer as we became teeenagers but when he met his now wife, things happened and I feel she completely behaves competitively with me. He admitted he used to not like me and told her bad stuff about me when they met. He apologized for that but I think she entertains the idea and honestly don’t think she wants him to like me. I don’t enjoy it and keep my distance from her.. but Im hopeful to be close to my brother one day and we are both making an effort.

Problem is, when he announced his pregnancy I had just found out I too am pregnant but hadn’t announced yet.. I told my mum in secret and told her not to make a fuss and told her that I don’t want to take attention away from my brother who has never received positive attention much from dad/siblings.. she agreed.

He is now close to 5 months and found out the gender of his baby and we are all happy from him and it’s all too sentimental and I’m enjoying it on his behalf. I thought I’d give it another month before I announce to my family.. I would be around 4 months or so.

AIBU? Am I overthinking this? He isn’t the type that appreciates my sacrifices I guess because he deep down doesn’t really like me but I just want to be fair on him and myself.

I also don’t want him to think I purposely hid things away from him and rest of the family. Especially that he is calling me up asking me about parenting things and it feels bad at this stage that I’m just keeping it secret.

I think I’m overthinking it, help me see sense.

SchoolOfLife2 Tue 09-Apr-19 00:33:26

Sorry to add, I haven’t announced pregnancy to any siblings or dad. Or anyone aside from mum. Tomorrow we will be announcing to DHs siblings. Only our mothers know at this stage due to previous miscarriage history.

SchoolOfLife2 Tue 09-Apr-19 01:30:22

Bump

Tavannach Tue 09-Apr-19 01:43:36

I think you're overthinking it.
Your relationship with your DB isn't set in stone and will develop when you both have children close in age. You'll agree on some aspects of parenting and disagree on others.
You can't not tell him and if you leave it too late it might look a bit strange.

homemadegin Tue 09-Apr-19 01:49:31

You sound very aware of others op, congratulations on your pregnancy thanks

I'm. To sure what I would do for the best to be honest. I've not been in that situation, but have been the one struggling whilst others announce pregnancies.

This is good news, for you all. The only thing I wonder is would it help telling him first? A cheery message, just letting you know first as going to have super close cousins, how exciting.

It's one of those where you cannot control his reaction, so he will react as he does regardless. I just wonder whether bringing them in might make him see you want to include them not compete with them?

NunoGoncalves Tue 09-Apr-19 02:07:08

I mean, I don't think there's anything WRONG with what you're doing. It can't do any harm to wait. But I do think it's all a bit unnecessary.

Also being pregnant together with someone in your family is often quite fun and a way to bond.

SchoolOfLife2 Tue 09-Apr-19 02:17:57

To be fair, I would’ve seen it as a fun way to bond. However given how many times I see mumsnetters posting about how they think their sister announcing pregnancy is to spite them, I guess it gave me another insight in how some people think.

Any other sibling of mine and I would’ve just told them. But DB is a bit fragile and I just felt like I don’t want to take that away from him. I also am more conscious of how his wife will see things as she constantly undermines my parenting choices Infront of him to make it out like “she knows best”.. I usually ignore her and kill with kindness.. but I do think it will aggravate her jealousy as I don’t think she would see it as a bonding experience. And I feel she will drive me and him further apart.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 09-Apr-19 02:23:25

Congratulations

You can't hide it forever. Call or text him and tell him. Not apologetically but factually. Emphasise how exciting it is that babies will have cousins the same age etc.

If he asks why you waited, explain your nerves after losing a baby

How he reacts is up to him.

OneDayillSleep Tue 09-Apr-19 09:21:17

I’d say you were overthinking it. It’s completely up to you when you announce your pregnancy. I had a slightly different situation, my brother and his wife had a miscarriage at 6 weeks a couple of days before we had our first child. I then got pregnant again 9 months later. They decided they couldn’t go through another pregnancy and gave up trying (medical issues with my sil), though they still wanted children. My brother actually had the snip and my sister in law (god knows why) told my mum, my sister and I that they had. This was literally days after I’d found out I was pregnant again. In the end I just told my brother in a message just before I told everyone at 12 weeks, I couldn’t hide it. I knew they wouldn’t take the news well but I didn’t do anything different, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t pregnant.

In your situation I’d just tell him when you are ready. Just because they announce a pregnancy doesn’t mean you have to say “yeah so am I”. It’s up to you when you do.

Wallsbangers Tue 09-Apr-19 09:27:58

I'd tell him first so he's got time to process and doesn't hear on the family grapevine.

Mainie Tue 09-Apr-19 09:28:34

However given how many times I see mumsnetters posting about how they think their sister announcing pregnancy is to spite them, I guess it gave me another insight in how some people think.

Honestly, this is one of the very few things I think only happens in the Mn universe. Or maybe I am lucky enough to live in an environment where having a baby or a wedding isn't seen as some form of legitimising spotlight, and anyone else daring to do the same within some imaginary but fiercely-guarded timeframe is viewed as like one of those Oscars producers telling a winner to finish their speech or they're going to cue the loud music.

You sound like a decent person, OP, but you can't make your brother and his wife like you by hiding your pregnancy. If they choose to take you telling the family you're pregnant at four months as some kind of malicious limelight stealing, there's not a whole lot you can do.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 09-Apr-19 09:30:40

You cant hide it forever ....

AnotherEmma Tue 09-Apr-19 09:35:19

"Also being pregnant together with someone in your family is often quite fun and a way to bond."

Nonsense. It's not a fun bonding experience when you're pregnant at the same time as your SIL when she dislikes you and sees you as a threat/rival.

OP, tell your brother. When you tell him, don't make a big deal out of it, but do repeat how happy you are for him and his wife and how much you are enjoying their updates and looking forward to meeting their baby and supporting them in becoming parents.

It might be helpful to have a bit of a heart to heart with your brother (face to face or by writing letter) but the timing needs to be right - you would need to judge whether he's likely to be receptive.

DanielRicciardosSmile Tue 09-Apr-19 09:39:31

It definitely happens outside of MN. When I found out I was pg with DS (after a year ttc) there was a woman I worked with who was 3 months further into her first pg who actually told me I "wasn't to take the spotlight off her" and complained how selfish I was ruining her pg. However, you can't let others control your life and it's not something that you can hide. I think you just need to tell him at the same time as you tell both of your families.

Cranky17 Tue 09-Apr-19 09:40:57

I think you just have to do it, get it over with.
It’s not going to go down well but their is nothing that can do that will change that.
Just announce it as you normally would.

I think you can expect them to step away further from you. You mention your dB hasn’t fully recovered from his childhood, so he may want to enjoy his first baby without this overshadowing his enjoyment.

I also think that you lay a bit of the blame for your lack of relationship with your brother with your sil, this isn’t her making this is all down to your parents they really need to be given the responsiblily to hold not her.

Lochroy Tue 09-Apr-19 09:42:39

As you can't keep it a secret forever, you need to tell them at latest just after 20 week scan or it will be weird that you haven't and make it into a 'thing' which it might not otherwise be.

Nuttyaboutnutella Tue 09-Apr-19 09:42:48

Similar kind of situation in that I had the first grandchild on either side. My brother and and SIL announced last year they were expecting their first baby. Four days later I found out I was as well (second month TTC) Both babies are due in the next few weeks, a Month apart.

I had to tell my parents fairly early on due to various factors, but waited until my SIL had her 12 week scan to announce my pregnancy. I just told them that their baby was also going to be a big cousin as well as a little cousin. I was already starting to show and a few relatives knew something was up as I'd been quite unwell during the first trimester so I wanted him to hear it from us

SIL was happy for us. I think my brother was a little 'she's stealing our thunder' but there wasn't much I could do.

Just tell them. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Just text something like 'just wanted to let you know that I'm expecting #2, due in (whatever month)" short and to the point. Good luck

reallyanotherone Tue 09-Apr-19 09:47:22

Just quietly mention it and get on with things. Let them take centre stage.

I actually dislike all the “announcing”. I know it’s just a word but for me it conjures up images of gathering an audience for a huge event and making a really big deal.

It is possible to just tell people as and when, rather than making a series of big announcements which people feel they have to react to.

ColdFrame Tue 09-Apr-19 09:47:59

It definitely happens outside of MN. When I found out I was pg with DS (after a year ttc) there was a woman I worked with who was 3 months further into her first pg who actually told me I "wasn't to take the spotlight off her" and complained how selfish I was ruining her pg.

How depressing. There must be very little going on in these people's lives. Or something terrible happened to them as children to make them so desperate for attention.

GreenTulips Tue 09-Apr-19 09:55:32

This happened to us

We had one and SIL announced a much wanted pregnancy
I found out the same day we were expecting no 2 she wasn’t her happy about that! But it got worse as a few weeks later we discovered it was twins and it totally annoyed her!!

Wasn’t much anyone could do really.

BrokenWing Tue 09-Apr-19 10:01:13

He lives far away from you and it probably won't affect him as much as you think it does, he is a adult that has his own life and family now. It sounds like you are holding onto the golden child badge by over thinking the whole thing and having secret talks with your mum about him when it really isn't necessary and just continues this weird family dynamic..

Keeping it secret with your mum and making a fuss about not taking attention away from your brother achieves exactly the opposite effect, just tell him without all the poor brother is being over shadowed by me the choosen one again.

vdbfamily Tue 09-Apr-19 10:06:39

Why not phone DB first and tell him that when they announced their news, you too were pregnant but did not want to take away their moment, but now you are starting to be obviously pregnant you need to tell people.

TheChiefBMS Tue 09-Apr-19 10:08:53

Tell DB first and confide your worries to him. It sounds like he knows you understand his childhood experiences and appreciates the efforts you make to minimise impact of other family members behaviours on him. He'll probably just be pleased for you. Don't over think SIL feelings on the matter, just be positive about both pregnancies with DB and try to keep regular contact and express interest in his family.

Congratulations and hope both pregnancies are uncomplicated and happy.

acquiescence Tue 09-Apr-19 10:10:18

Why not explain just how you have done in this thread.
Tell him within the next few weeks and explain you didn’t want to take the limelight away from them which is why you waited. Say you are so excited to have children of a similar age that will bring you together.
All the best for your pregnancy.

Someoneonlyyouknow Tue 09-Apr-19 10:11:53

Tell your brother first. Call would be good, or text/email. If you feel you need to explain not announcing sooner say because of MC concerns (don't mention not wanting to overshadow their pregnancy because it could come over as assuming yours will be more special to family). You are being very kind towards your DB but are not responsible for your DPs treatment of him nor how he feels. Also, I think it is easier for you to blame your SIL than your DB and that is understandable but possibly wrong. She only has his side of the story and will be angry and protective for him.

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