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to ask if your second pregnancy was as magical as your first?

(20 Posts)
CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 22:48:48

I know, pregnancy isn't magical for most. Please take the term with a pinch of salt. What I mean is... I really looked forward to pregnancy. I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant. I was not so overjoyed when my ex became more and more abusive, made it clear he was disgusted by my huge body, pointed out my flaws and stretch marks like they were utterly disgusting, told me that if our baby is 'retarded' that I have 'no choice but to terminate' etc etc. The list goes on. I shan't bore you. He turned in to a vile control freak, and completely and utterly ruined the pregnancy. He nearly missed the birth because he was busy doing something else (completely unnecessary leisure/grooming activity), then continued to be abusive until I left him when my son was 3 months old.

The whole thing was traumatic and whilst I know pregnancy and childbirth are both hard work, I do mourn that specialness I never had.

Some say in the not so near future, I would like to think I would have another with a good cleaner partner (if I'm brave enough), but was left so sad and hurt by it all that I'm convinced a second could never be at the least enjoyable.

Has anyone had a better experience with their 2nd, 3rd etc compared to their first? I'm not going to lie, the idea terrifies me. I think I have PTSD or something similar!

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 22:50:59

Some day not some say, doh

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 22:51:52

Cleaner partner? I don't even know what I meant to type there! I'd better go to bed 🤦🏽‍♀️

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 08-Apr-19 22:56:07

I think your situation is a bit different to a second pregnancy in a non-abusive relationship. Second time round it is less unknown, and I was more tired and had less time to think about baby number two because I was running around after a large toddler. No relaxing evenings lying on the sofa feeling kicks!

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 22:58:24

@AssassinatedBeauty I was kind of like that in my first pregnancy. But running around after a large 30 year old toddler! What a fool I was!

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 22:59:49

Also had a huge number of very scary complications. Weekly scans that I had to go to on my own as then partner thought that cleaning his bike was more important. Etc etc, it was all very awful!

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 08-Apr-19 23:03:54

It sounds horrendous, thanks

Each pregnancy can be very very different, but any pregnancy would be easier to cope with and more pleasant than having to put up with what you describe.

You could well have PTSD, or just need to talk things through. Have you had any counselling at all?

Don't let it put you off if you find yourself in the position where you're thinking about having another.

canyoufeedthedog Mon 08-Apr-19 23:04:52

Oh I know what you mean, wanting to feel like you are amazing, carrying their child, and what you get is, well you wanted another one, well im working so can go on the lash six days a week, well I earn the money I can go out on the lash six days a week, cue the birth, turns up a bit pissed, holds hands whilst yo birth your child then wants to get pissed to celebrate the birth! Am I wrong?

Treaclepie19 Mon 08-Apr-19 23:07:51

I can't really comment as I had a miscarriage, then our DS and then lost our second DS (TFMR) due to a severe chromosomal problem.

But, he sounds dreadful.
I'm sure you'd have a better experience with a better partner.

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 23:10:14

Thanks AB - my first and only pregnancy was just so horrid, then the birth went all wrong, then Ds Was poorly and 2 weeks later I was poorly and readmitted. To top it all of, ex was a shit. I do think it is PTSD, mainly from childbirth and fear of having a seriously poorly baby.

@canyoufeedthedog just awful 

So sorry @Treaclepie19 - I had a late miscarriage and it was really traumatic thanks for you.

oh I do hope so...

TomorrowsDiet Mon 08-Apr-19 23:10:35

I’m so sorry to read about your awful ex-partner, OP.

My first pregnancy ended in a MMC, which I found heartbreaking. Second pregnancy was a breeze, except for dreadful morning sickness till 19 weeks. Otherwise, very fit and healthy and worked till 38 weeks. Third pregnancy was really challenging. I was fit and healthy, but as a SAHM with a toddler, there was no sitting down or relaxing. I was tired throughout.

Treaclepie19 Mon 08-Apr-19 23:11:43

Thank you @CherryClarence
I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I really feel like you were brave in leaving your ex and there's no reason to think with the right partner, that it would happen again flowers

DragonMamma Mon 08-Apr-19 23:12:07

My first pregnancy sounded not too dissimilar to yours and whilst the second was much better (different partner), I didn’t get to relish in it the way I’d hoped to the first time.

I was working, had a toddler and there was little time to sit and read the email updates I received.

First time around if somebody asked me how far along I was, the answer was ‘26 weeks and 4 days’. Second time around d was ‘ooooh errr....I’m due early xxx (whilst trying to work backwards in weeks)’

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 23:16:42

Argh @TomorrowsDiet how hard for you.  because I know how it feels.

Thanks @Treaclepie19 - that's a nice compliment. There's a thread running at the moment about people saying 'well why did you have kids with him?' - was dreading someone saying that on here!

That's what I fear @DragonMamma - I'm angry that I was deprived of that. I just felt ugly and disgusting and envious of my colleague whose husband seemed to be in awe of her!

Vehivle Mon 08-Apr-19 23:18:03

Much like a PP said here, my second pregnancy passed as a blur as I was busy running around after my 1st. I didn't have the chances I had with my 1st pregnancy to sit and think about the pregnancy and also like you know what to expect 2nd time having done it all already. HAVING SAID THAT - a friend of mine experienced similar to you. Her first child was with an abusive partner. Really crap guy, took no interest in her pregnancy (even though they were living together!) and missed the birth. She later met a lovely man and had her second with him. It was his first and so it was super special for him and he treated her like a queen. Everything she missed in the first pregnancy - the foot rubs, the running out for weird food cravings in the early hours, the love and tenderness from an excited partner - she got to experience with him and it made her second pregnancy very special indeed. He even brought a huge bunch of roses when he came to collect her and the baby from hospital to say thank you to her for having their child. So don't lose hope - with the right people in your life, every pregnancy can be special and hold wonderful memories.

CherryClarence Mon 08-Apr-19 23:20:43

@Vehivle I remember literally everyone saying to me 'my DP picks me up the food I'm craving at 1am' kinda thing and sitting there holding back tears as I would get a lecture on how the food I'm craving will make me fat..

Casmama Mon 08-Apr-19 23:34:00

My second pregnancy was as exciting as my first. There were 5 year between my two so that may have made a difference.
Ps the ones talking about their partners picking up food for them in the middle of the night sound like they've been watching too many movies 😉

Witchend Tue 09-Apr-19 00:03:09

I remember literally everyone saying to me 'my DP picks me up the food I'm craving at 1am

I had bad morning sickness throughout all three of my pregnancies.
With dc1 I remember craving sausages. Dh ran out to the corner shop to get them. They didn't have the ones I wanted, so he cycled (20 minutes) to town. They'd sold out so he cycled back past put house, 20 minutes in the opposite direction to the out of town supermarket.
He came back, cooked them for me, and I took one look, threw up and couldn't eat them. He didn't do that a second time grin

I think though in some ways dc3 was the easiest pregnancy, it can't really be described as magical while throwing up 3+ times a day and feeling sick 24/7. wink I knew what to expect, which made it better not worse.
Dc2 was marred by bad news on the 20 week scan, and realistically I didn't really get over it until dd2 was here.
Dh was interested in all 3 pregnancies, but less inclined to run round after me after the first, but it didn't really make me feel less important; I still had a wriggly little baby growing inside me. He did however take the older ones off to give me time to rest and throw up in peace grin

One little "role play" that dd1 and dd2 did when I was pregnant with dc3 made me laugh, and it still does.
Dc2: I'm being mummy. <lies on sofa> Oh dear <jumps up and runs to the toilet and bends over it making sick noises> I'm going to have a baby so I'm being sick lots.
Dc1: I'm daddy so I'm going to work because I don't care. grin

Vehivle Tue 09-Apr-19 06:22:30

@CherryClarence That was horrible of him to say. But if it makes you feel better, my husband didn't do any run outs to get me food cravings. He's not a bad guy - but like a PP said on here, that's usually the rarity and not the norm. But Hollywood makes it seem like it's standard. Along with PIV which requires absolutely zero foreplay/clit stimulation but always ends with the girl orgasming at the exact same time as her partner despite getting very little help to do so. Definitely more the rarity than the norm.

tinnitusqueen Tue 09-Apr-19 06:42:48

I don't understand where all these awful men come from. So many lovely ladies who are forced to leave an awful man when their baby is tiny. Are they nice up to conception then turn nasty when a baby is on the way? Awful awful awful. GF is abusive and I wish my GM had left him sixty years ago for the sake of my DM.

I'm so blessed to have a DH who would never dream of behaving like that. OP there are lots of lovely men out there who are hoping to meet somebody special. I know you will find somebody who will be excited to watch your tummy grow and will help you rub cream on it grin
I hope you and your DC have plenty of family support around you. Xx

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