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Suddenly realise I don't actually like my friend

(32 Posts)
carnuntum Mon 08-Apr-19 22:48:01

Have known this person for several years and were once very close, and I was going to have her move in with me for a while.

However, little things have turned me against her, and now I've realised I don't really like her.

She's very selfish and only does things when she wants them

She takes towels from hotel rooms as "you are paying for them"
Almost every take away she has she will complain to try and get some money back
Lives off of her parents money
Has a sense of "humour" that is not funny, and increasingly islamaphobic/racist.

Do other people somehow have bad judgement of people too?

Planetian Tue 09-Apr-19 13:09:21

Sometimes it’s not so much that people change, it’s that they don’t! I have a very close friend since school and she’s often exactly the same as she was in school - we’re now in our 30’s. I find myself getting agitated in her company recently. She’s a good person so I don’t want to lose the friendship but I think I’m going to have to expand my social circle as I think we’re just at different stages right now and I need more likeminded friends.

QueenBeex Tue 09-Apr-19 13:09:00

Probably should add this went on for a while btw, a good year and a half of just taking the piss tbh. I did try speak to her about it many times but she just used to get moody and change the subject.

QueenBeex Tue 09-Apr-19 13:06:00

This has happened to me. Was best friends with someone for years, then when I got my first job she'd ask to meet up, we would arrange a place and when we arrived she'd ask me for petrol money! Even though she'd pick the place to meet and I always had to drive further than her to get there. Then she got a dog, used to invite me round for a takeaway etc and then would say "I'll ring the takeaway, might take a while to get here so you can walk my dog for me whilst I wait for it to arrive so I'm definitely here to answer the door"! So I stopped seeing her as much then I'd get texts when i was at work saying "I've got no minutes left on my contract so can you ring X for me" I didn't even know these people! When I moved house I didn't actually give her my new address, I blocked her number too so we've had no contact since thankfully. I guess people just change in time.

SunshineCake Tue 09-Apr-19 12:39:04

@Provincialbelle - you're very strong to be like that. I just feel like I'm having a strop which she won't even notice and if I don't message her again then I'd never hear from her. Just feel unwanted sad.

ClingFilmApplications Tue 09-Apr-19 10:02:47

My partner knew her friend since school many years ago - and yes it's one of those things where years of being taken advantage of, in various piss-takey ways can eventually cross a threshold. In our case it was dismissing our legitimate concerns around safeguarding and childcare (she has no children) and criticising our pragmatic choices when redecorating ("you have too many mains sockets" - WTF??)

We cut her out of our life, and now friends and family are wondering why we had not done so sooner.

TheChiefBMS Tue 09-Apr-19 09:54:24

People do change over the years so I wouldn't necessarily doubt your original judgement. It's important to remember that the friend (and you) will continue to change too. I have some long term friendships (over 25 years) with women who've changed gradually, as have I. There have been times where I haven't particularly enjoyed some of their company, but I have always cared about them. During such times I maintained 'keep in touch' contact and I'm glad as we've grown back into our friendships. I've helped some during their hard times and they have me. Friendship doesn't only have to be about immediate enjoyment. There have been some friends with whom I've happily lost touch as I recognised they would never be true friends as well.

My advice would be to work out if this person would stick by you in a crisis, if they would, perhaps you owe them a bit of tolerance? If you think they would not, set them free grin

JaneTheTerrible Tue 09-Apr-19 09:37:55

Happens to all of us. I've made friends with a lot of people and once you take the next step and get to know them a bit better, it's kind of a disappointment.

One of my very best friends completely changed character when she met a man sad.

Pinkarsedfly Tue 09-Apr-19 09:29:47

I walked away from my best friend of over thirty years, after I received texts filled with venom and jealousy because she had seen me being friendly on Facebook with someone else.

At the time I was going through a divorce while teaching full-time in a school I hated (about to be signed off with stress) and I just couldn’t wrap my head around an almost 40-year-old causing drama over Facebook posts.

I said as much and received a load of invective about what an awful friend I was, how I didn’t make enough effort to see her, etc etc - despite the fact she’s never worked, and has only ever visited my home once.

That Christmas she sent no cards, no gifts for my kids, etc - which we’d always done.

That was it for me. She’s since tried to reach out, but I can’t be bothered. Weirdly, I still have dreams about her - we were so close growing up, she was like a sister. But I can’t let any more drama into my life. I’ve had enough.

thecatsthecats Tue 09-Apr-19 09:20:50

My FIL has a few of those traits. Incredibly mean with money in a very 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine also'. He's very snotty about what other people have or haven't got, do or don't do (he called me 'boring' for switching off the music at my own wedding and confiscating the cables because he couldn't be trusted - we'd had a great party, free bar, everyone was nicely drunk and there was no objection to carrying on the party, just no wish to rob all the other guests of sleep in doing so.

My husband is very different to him, but just occasionally a learned habit from him will kick in. My MIL is lovely and generous, and when he's at his worst I think he's bloody lucky to have her!

Fossilised Tue 09-Apr-19 08:41:26

So much bad judgement...

3 friends from school, one constantly scrounged money from me. One was just a drama queen (despite us having lots in common, but the outbursts she had just made it not worth it). One I had zero in common with and turned out to be a bit narcissistic (like no 2 friend).

Two friends from college, one narcissist. One she lacked understanding and empathy.

Around six from work? One I ghosted because she was my boss and practically stalked me and gossiped about me to all and sundry. Friend two will not talk to me now he has a wife?. Friend three does not talk to me because he is in another country with a new partner, but when he comes over he does meet up with me, I miss him. Four never forgave me I don't think for ghosting work friend number one. Five I was really close with, but as soon as she changed job and I moved to a place 45 min away, she was always friendly when I contacted her, went round to her new place, but it was always me chasing the friendship. I stopped she just didn't bother.

One from open uni, she gushes when I see her, but she never contacts me.

Any number of school mum friends. We left the school to HE, it shone a light on the bigoted narrow minded friends who have never got over it. In the process of dumping one friend now. Another we were so close but she has reacted in such a snide way to it all and her partner just makes my skin crawl. Another dumped me the day she found out we were leaving, but is still friendly when I see her (two faced, I heard what she said about me to other school mums). One never bothers, so I have just given up trying. At least two friends wanted me for a) free childcare (as they WORKED) b) I'm fat and frumpy and it became obvious I was their ugly friend. Once I realised, they were out...

I sound like I have issues :D abusive childhood has led me to people who treat me a certain way...I am now very cautious who I become friends with. I used to be really chatty and open and friendly to everyone, however I have found that is the first way to be attractive to abusive types. Through all this I have ended up with friends, just friends who treat me well, about 6 good friends? I have remained friends with some of the others, but distant friendships. I just got tired of being treated like free childcare/ugly one/someone that can be picked up and dropped off/people not reciprocating...so why pretend to be a friend then? Oh god yes, and also a whole load of people I have helped escape their exes...they become my friend, then I only hear from them when the situation kicks off again, despite me telling them I am too traumatised by my own break up to talk about things as it gives me flashbacks.

Actually as I'm typing I'm remembering more people I was friends with :X the chatty and friendly thing gets me friends, but not very good quality friendships...

I have got to the stage I am very sceptical about anyone new I meet. I need to know them at least a few years before I can trust them now. Those who make it that far are generally worth being friends with.

Provincialbelle Tue 09-Apr-19 08:32:04

Hi Sunshinecake I’ve moved on (with some residual hurt) but have to say looking back things were more one sided than perhaps I realised at the time. She must have been to my house countless times yet return invites were a fraction of that number and she wasn’t the first to buy a coffee (but always the first to accept). It wasn’t totally one way but I console myself with small things like that and say I’m better off without her

Ellenborough Tue 09-Apr-19 08:27:38

LOL I wondered what the hmm was for! Yes, mainly exhausting for me, being stuck between the pair of them.

SunshineCake Tue 09-Apr-19 08:27:05

@Provincialbelle - I've had something similar. I've known someone for over 30 years though we lost touch for a few years. Rationally I know she's done nothing really wrong but what she has done has really hurt me and she clearly hasn't thought about the effect on me. I rather pettily ignored her birthday (she'd already missed mine, as per) but tbh it was more about protecting myself by not having contact for a while maybe forever

Bouncebacker Tue 09-Apr-19 08:19:46

YANBU- it does happen, I had two friends that I met in a workplace, when I was made redundant but they weren’t, we kept the friendship going but after a few years I realised that we only talked about their work which I wasn’t that interested in anymore - and I had a realisation - after the 5th of 6th time of waiting in a queue at a ‘no reservations’ type restaurant that they always turned up 45 mins late when I had done most of the the waiting - they were using me to get a table! The friendship just didn’t extended beyond the work place that we shared and it was silly to try. It was much healthier for me to let it go than try to nurture the friendship. You will feel better when you don’t see her anymore

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Tue 09-Apr-19 08:13:51

Sorry not hmm!!!! I meant shock

Genuinely shocked at how horrid that must have been for everyone.

Ilikeslippers Tue 09-Apr-19 08:13:02

Me! I have realised that I have a ridiculous tendency to make excuses for people's shitty behaviour - as if these repeated behaviours are aberrations rather than just how they really are. 'Oh they are so damaged, that is why they are like that' I told myself, 'Oh I am not perfect either' I told myself. It led me to stay with an abusive husband and a manipulative controlling 'best' friend and other such friends. I've attracted them because I tolerated and even enabled them. I finally, belatedly, saw the light and have ditched all these friends (3 of them), and have nice normal friends instead now

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Tue 09-Apr-19 08:12:13

hmm Ellenborough that sounds awful and exhausting.

Provincialbelle Tue 09-Apr-19 08:10:25

To be honest it’s easier when you just realise you have nothing in common. I had a friend of 18 years standing who without warning committed a massive breach of trust. I can’t tell you how much that hurt

Ellenborough Tue 09-Apr-19 08:08:34

I know someone who did this with the person that was supposed to be her best friend for 10 years. There was a slow breakdown in the relationship as fundamental differences in them became more and more obvious and it was clear they were not a healthy pairing. One was a bit needy, the other a bit of an Alpha female bully. The needy one had an epiphany and turned like the proverbial worm.

The Alpha bully was confused and devastated. Felt quite betrayed that her whipping boy had suddenly grown a backbone and removed herself permanently from the friendship.

They are speaking again now after a 3 year hiatus and have a polite superficial friendship, mostly over FB and have met for coffee once or twice but it will never go back to how it was. I think they've both learnt a bit about themselves from it.

TheMaddHugger Tue 09-Apr-19 08:06:32

at least you made this relisation now, not after she moved in

pictish Tue 09-Apr-19 08:06:06

Yeah...I have recently decided to let a friend drift as well. She gets on my nerves if the truth be told...and it really is that simple. She’s a kind, generous person but I just don’t enjoy her company that much. Her interests don’t interest me.
She is given to providing long-winded stories about the funniness/cuteness of her daughter, during which I tend to drift away as she is really describing the same childish stuff that all our kids do but we refrain from discussing as it’s boring as shit. Then she’ll suddenly erupt in peals of quite manic laughter over something impossibly hilarious her daughter did or said which not only makes me jump but is very awkward as I have usually switched off by this point and have no idea what I’m supposed to be laughing at.
I just find it hard going you know? Life is short...she has lots of other friends.

Jebuschristchocolatebar Tue 09-Apr-19 08:05:29

I get this, I am friends with someone from work, we been friends for years but she is stingy, obsessed with money and complaining and getting one over on everyone. She also has started non stop moaning about people getting welfare, scrounges foreigners- the usual shite people spout. She has loads of money and is in a really well paid job. I have come to hate her. I can’t hang out with her anymore which is working out grand because she is too stingy to go out for a coffee or lunch so she is making it easy for us all

FaithInfinity Tue 09-Apr-19 08:00:05

I had a best friend who I walked away from. Over time she had changed and suddenly I found that we didn’t really have anything to talk about, I didn’t like some of the things she did and the crunch came when she was totally unsupportive when my Mum died. I dropped her soon after that.

I think it’s wise to walk away from this person in your circumstances. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person! (And she’s wrong about the towels. Also consider how many other people have used them, why would you take them home?! I knew people who got billed for taking hotel towels home).

blackcat86 Tue 09-Apr-19 07:24:52

It's a strange but totally ok thing when this happens. Its like the fog lifts and you really start to see the person. Stop making an effort and you'll probably find it woll fizzle. I had a very good friend (big part of our wedding level) who had an early miscarriage a few years ago. Everyone went out of their way to support her, ignored her awful comments about pregnant women we saw, ignored her comparing herself to someone else who had a late term still born. Just tried to support. When I then got pregnant I tried to hide it, not upset her, not speak about. When DD nearly died post birth she was no where to be seen despite being pregnant again. The only time I've actually heard from her was when she wanted some left over medication I had. I realised that it's all been about her and she doesn't actually care about me or the friendship. It's not reciprocal. I've left it fizzle and have heard nothing from her

SpamChaudFroid Tue 09-Apr-19 07:22:47

I know what you mean OP. I have a friend who lost their job about a year ago and borrowed a substantial amount of money from me to get them out of a hole. They still don't have a job and have tried to borrow large sums from me since. Their partner is currently paying all of their mortgage (not on the deeds) and has sold their own house, leaving them financially vulnerable. Their partner has asked for a large loan off me, (before their house sale) which I said no to.

They also make extremely racist and misogynist comments, and along with being a cocklodger of sorts is kind of making me wonder why we still have a friendship. I'm not much of a people person and much prefer the company of my animals these days.

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