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To convince DD not to end her marriage

(240 Posts)
Sparklesco Mon 08-Apr-19 15:45:05

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

Grumpasaurous Mon 08-Apr-19 15:48:21

If she’s had doubts since before the wedding then I’d simply talk to her and let her know you’re there for her.

Would you want your daughter to remain unhappy because you think her DH is lovely? She needs to think that, not you.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 08-Apr-19 15:48:55

I think she's already met someone else. You wouldn't be doing anyone any favours to convince her to stay, even if you could persuade her which I doubt.

Let her love her life and if it's a mistake, so be it, it's her mistake to make.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 08-Apr-19 15:49:09

*live her life

geologyrocks Mon 08-Apr-19 15:49:42


It's really none of your business

GreatDuckCookery Mon 08-Apr-19 15:49:56

AIBU to convince her to stick things out?

Yes you would be unreasonable to try and make her stay although it sounds like you wouldn’t be able to convince her from what you’ve said.

I know it must be hard for you to watch from the sidelines especially as he sounds lovely and you’re all fond of him but this is her life and she must make the decision to stay or leave.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble Mon 08-Apr-19 15:50:35

You could suggest they look at couples counselling together. But ultimately it’s her decision.

Texel Mon 08-Apr-19 15:51:28

I think yabu, if she's thought like this since before the wedding she will have already thought through the situation of should I stay because he's a safe bet. Be there for her, but don't try and persuade her to stay, that's got to be entirely her decision.

Happynow001 Mon 08-Apr-19 15:52:03

I think you need to support her whatever she feels she needs to do and not try to influence her.

PlatinumBrunette Mon 08-Apr-19 15:52:17

Please don't. I was in exactly the same boat, many moons ago. Mother wanted me to stay - mainly because I would have been the first person in the family to divorce. She also wouldn't let me stay with her after I left which made my life hell and drove me into making a worse mistake -moving in with an abusive man. Took me a very long time to get out and over it.
Please be supportive and let her make her own decisions.

Hotterthanahotthing Mon 08-Apr-19 15:54:11

Encourage her to talk to her husband,that you will support her but all the decisions,practical sorting out she has to do herself.

ATowelAndAPotato Mon 08-Apr-19 15:54:17

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors either. Just because people seem happy to others, doesn’t mean they are inside.

She’s confided in you, which is a good thing. It’s fine to encourage her to think about options, counselling for them both would be good to help understand why she feels this way and if they have exhausted all options. But ultimately, if that’s what she wants to do, surely you just support her?

Constance1234 Mon 08-Apr-19 15:55:22

It’s very sad, but people change a lot from aged 22 to 26 and it sounds like she has outgrown the relationship. But by all means encourage her to try marriage counselling. But don’t expect your daughter to set aside her future happiness just because ‘on paper’ her husband seems ideal and your wider family love him. Your daughter is still very young in the grand scheme of things and who knows where life will take her at this point.

AdoraBell Mon 08-Apr-19 15:57:15

Yes YABU. She went through with the wedding to avoid disappointing family and friends. That was her first mistake, ignoring her feelings for the benefit of other people.

Remaining in a marriage that isn’t right for her for your benefit would be bigger mistake.

CordeliaEarhart Mon 08-Apr-19 16:00:18

Why would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship which is making her unhappy?

You like him, and it's difficult as a parent because you had her in the "settled and happy, nothing to worry about" box. But she isn't settled and happy so there is something to worry about.

Fairylea Mon 08-Apr-19 16:00:22

Just support her. Don’t give her your own opinion on this. She probably feels bad enough as it is.

I had exactly this situation with my own mum (I was divorced twice by 29) and she made it perfectly clear what she thought of me and I never, ever forgave her for it. She didn’t really have a clue what was going on in either of my relationships although she thought she did. Life is too short to be miserable.

GabriellaMontez Mon 08-Apr-19 16:01:16

So much easier to end it before children are involved.

BrightYellowDaffodil Mon 08-Apr-19 16:01:18

You don’t know at all what her marriage is like behind closed doors. I’m not saying her husband is abusive but no-one knows a relationship like the two people in it, and there may well be a whole host of things she can’t or doesn’t want to talk about.

YAVVU to convince her to stay in a marriage - or any relationship - in which she is unhappy. By all means suggest counselling etc, but why would you want her to ‘settle’ with someone she doesn’t love just because he’s a nice bloke (outwardly at least)?

MondayTuesdayWednesday Mon 08-Apr-19 16:02:00

No don't encourage her to stay just because YOU think it is the right thing to do.

She was with him since she was very young and got married quite young but she shouldn't have to stay with him for the rest of her life just because you all like him and he is a nice person.

She should have spoken up beforehand but sometimes that is easier said than done and people in relationships with someone older, even if it is 7 years and not a huge age gap, can often feel intimidated or swept along by the older person.

I think it is better for her to be on her own than to feel like she has settled for someone she is not happy with. She shouldn't be eternally grateful just because he is not an awful man.

ShesABelter Mon 08-Apr-19 16:02:34

Nobody should stay in a marriage they aren't happy in.

chillpizza Mon 08-Apr-19 16:02:49

Sounds like she’s already checked out. No point in her sticking around. Her dh deserves to try and find someone who would be happy with him just as she deserves to be happy.

HedgerowTree Mon 08-Apr-19 16:03:33

It sounds like you are one of the reasons that she went through with the wedding when she already knew it was a mistake. Staying won a man for a comfortable life and house/money and to look good for you is not good for her. Don’t tell her you are devastated, that’s a bonkers reaction.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Mon 08-Apr-19 16:03:48

It sounds like she's already met someone else.

Even if that's not the case, she's clearly not in love with her husband so why would you want her to "stick it out"? I can't understand why anyone would want their DD to stay in a loveless marriage. Apart from anything else it's not fair on her DH. If he's as lovely as you say he deserves to be with someone who loves him back.

Raspberrytruffle Mon 08-Apr-19 16:05:08

Is there any chance your dd could be depressed? I'm only suggesting because I felt like this for a while and it was actually depression for me , now it's treated I feel normal again, id just be an ear for dd but keep well out if it

toomuchtooold Mon 08-Apr-19 16:05:22

There's a lot of sense in staying with a partner who's kind and loving but with whom there's no spark any more - if you're in your 40s and you have a couple of kids and a big mortgage and stuff. But at 26? That's a long old life.

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