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To ask how you would respond to this

(29 Posts)
MmmMmmMmmmmmmmmm Mon 08-Apr-19 14:42:01

Text sent by your adult daughter (who has a one year old child)?

"I'm feeling very upset today. Overrun with guilt for leaving child everyday to go to work, I wish I were able to spend each day at home"

Please tell me "hahaha" isn't norm. Feeling like I've got nobody to turn to for emotional support.

Tomtontom Mon 08-Apr-19 14:44:20

Are you the daughter?

I'd be asking if she'd misread the message.

strathmore Mon 08-Apr-19 14:44:59

Call her and chat?

MmmMmmMmmmmmmmmm Mon 08-Apr-19 14:47:06

Yes I'm the daughter. She's never supported me emotionally so I don't really know why I was expecting her to this time.

It hurts. It really does.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Just needed somewhere to let it out I suppose

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Apr-19 14:50:54

Wow - no, that is not normal.
If you were my DD, I'd be calling and asking if we can have a proper catch up and to see what we could do together to get through it all.
You will feel guilty but it's something that millions of us women do.
Blimey, I went back after 3 months!!!
You are doing your best and building a future for your DC.
Be proud of that.
Do you have support from the father at all?

Charmatt Mon 08-Apr-19 14:53:48

Her reply is not normal.

What did you want her to say? How did you want her to change your situation?

You say you didn't expect her to support you, but if she is closed off, emotionally, there is no response for her by just sending a statement.

Maybe look at how you send messages to her, eg, 'I want to change the balance in my life so I can spend more time with XXXXX. What options do you think I have?'

At least that opens up a dialogue; a conversation. flowers

MmmMmmMmmmmmmmmm Mon 08-Apr-19 14:54:19

Hi @hellsbellsmelons yes, me and the father (husband) are together so I have some support there but all I want is to chat to my mum but she's just never there for me.

I promise my child will have every single ounce of my support. 100%

MmmMmmMmmmmmmmmm Mon 08-Apr-19 14:55:45

That's very true @Charmatt I will bear that in mind.

I'm not really sure what I wanted the response to be. I think I just wanted her to tell me that I'm doing the best I can or something. Anything. Just not that

HollowTalk Mon 08-Apr-19 14:55:46

You need to stop confiding in her because it just makes you feel so much worse.

Is there anything you can do about dropping one day per week? It's so hard when children are little, but I think you are suffering more than your child.

MindyStClaire Mon 08-Apr-19 14:56:49

Did she think you were angling for her to do childminding?

Knitclubchatter Mon 08-Apr-19 14:57:40

I think I’d respond with “that’s normal”.
But ha ha ha might work depending on the relationship and backstory.

Charmatt Mon 08-Apr-19 14:59:40

@MmmMmmMmmmmmmmmm

My Mum is a brilliant grandma, but is very practically minded. I get on with her very well, but she is not gushy at all. It resonated with me, because if I'd sent that message, my Mum would have said, 'Every mother feels like that - you just have to get on with it, knowing you are providing for them, or give it up and live within your means', or something to that effect.

If I ask her for ideas, she is so much more helpful and understanding and will help me find a way.

IHateUncleJamie Mon 08-Apr-19 15:00:42

It’s so sad when you realise that your mother is not now and never will be “there for you”. flowers Eventually trying to get them to react “normally” becomes like banging your head against the wall. Pointless and painful, every single time.

I would respond “Did you misread my message, because that is not actually a normal response”. If she says no, she meant to put that, then I would reply with “Fine; I know who not to contact next time I feel sad”. Then stop replying.

I am sorry, OP. Do you have siblings or friends you can talk to instead?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Apr-19 15:01:15

Are your work flexible?
Could you do condensed hours into 4 days?
Your DH as well?
Then you would each have a day with your DC extra?
Not sure how doable that is.
It's something my friend did and still does now.
I'm sorry your mum has never been there for you.
I can't imagine that as I'd do anything for my DD.
But this will help you to become a wonderful mum yourself.

Namestheyareachangin Mon 08-Apr-19 15:03:59

flowers sorry OP. I don't think people who can't turn to their mothers for support really understand how deeply it wounds. It's a primal fear - when we are small we need to believe our parents have the capacity and inclination to keep us safe, so if wither is lacking we grow up with stress and fear, which gets into every aspect of our lives as adults.All we can hope is to do better for our children xx

Re your feelings I completely understand them. Is there any way you can reduce your hours? I bargained down to 4 days a week and that extra time with my 2 year old makes me feel so much better - I felt before like I barely saw her and was losing her sad now we have time for just us, no weekend rusharound, and I enjoy work and home much more. There is balance.

Ignore the stiff-upper-lippers - it may be 'normal' in our society for mothers to be separated from our children very early, but it isn't normal for mammals, and many women feel it very badly when circumstances force them to be away from their small children. You are totally entitled to feeling upset about it.

keepingspiritsup Mon 08-Apr-19 15:10:58

Nope not the norm and it's a pretty insensitive reply from your mother! I don't even bother sending texts like that to mine as I'm sick of hearing "well it's you're choice" x

stucknoue Mon 08-Apr-19 15:14:53

No it's odd, my mum was there for me despite me living 10 hour plane ride away, I'm there for my adult DD's (no kids yet) and would do anything for them

cuppycakey Mon 08-Apr-19 15:23:44

I get it OP - It's almost like you are grieving for the mother you should had had.

I am completely NC with mine after years of similar/worse treatment.

One thing that has really helped me is that I have a network of "older" friends who have that wisdom and experience you are seeking, but who actually have my best interests at heart. Could this work for you?

I am sure you are doing your best and that things will work out flowers

Purplecatshopaholic Mon 08-Apr-19 15:33:31

My mum got dementia very early - she doesnt know who I am or indeed who she is. It is tragic. You just have to get on with it

Cherrysoup Mon 08-Apr-19 15:34:56

I think that tells you very clearly that she is not the one to whom you can turn in times of crisis/upset. Is your dh supporting you through your return to work? Is there a possibility of doing less hours?

Springwalk Mon 08-Apr-19 15:37:43

Op I completely understand too. There are junctions in life when we look for support from our parents, who our mothers, and deliberately ignore our pleas for support and love, interest. It is beyond painful.

Build up your own network

Pinkmonkeybird Mon 08-Apr-19 15:40:32

No, if you were my daughter I wouldn't respond in that way.

FraAngelico Mon 08-Apr-19 15:44:08

Did she think you were angling for her to do childminding?

That was my first thought, too.

Sympathies, OP. I've never had a second's guilt about being a working parent, but I've often wished I had a mother who was an emotional support rather than someone who is so unable to cope with life, worries about everything and magnifies the slightest confidence into a major catastrophe, so that I never tell her anything, because all I get is 'Don't ever expect anything or you'll only be disappointed' and her expecting me to fail, and ponder for weeks over why couldn't she have nice normal children who lived down the road and had normal jobs and got married in church etc etc.

Notverygrownup Mon 08-Apr-19 15:44:53

Sorry to read about your mum, Purplecats. Mine too had early onset dementia. Sucks, doesn't it? sad

OP, I struggled too, having no-one to confide in. Whatever her other failings you hope/expect your mum will be the one who understands what being a mum is like! I felt so much better once I realised that on Mumsnet I had a thousand mums at my fingertips. This website has been there for me through thick and thin, with practical advice, sympathy, and the occasional kick on the bum when needed. It helped me beyond measure and I also felt more relaxed when I could let go of expecting/hoping that my mum would come good and understand.

Hope that you find real support here, as well as understanding of how you are feeling at the moment. Leaving you baby is horrible, I know. But you are building a future for him/her - and it will soon be Easter when you can hopefully take some holiday time and really enjoy being together all day.

justilou1 Mon 08-Apr-19 15:47:28

Maybe she thought you were making a comment about her parenting you?

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