Interfering woman or not?! Sorry I am just so pissed off after reading this!(66 Posts)
This is relating to Pick Me Up magazine that I'm currently reading. I've taken a picture of it and it says 85% of people said Yes....
What is the problem here? She's 24 years old! She's an adult and can make her own decisions. Bloody interfering hag!
What are your opinions? In case you're wondering why I am so bothered about this, I'm only asking as not only has it pissed me off but because my husband and I have a similar age gap. However, He is the best thing that has ever happened to me out of all the blokes I've been with my age! We've been together for 10 years, we have a child who he adores and is a fantastic father and He makes us all very happy. He would do anything for his family. He works hard and provides for us. I can't really say any more other than he is my soul mate and we are together in sickness and in health.
My family have an opinion and one of them has even had a word with one of my parents, asking them to tell me that I shouldn't be with an older man... that's after we had our DS as well! So they'd rather me be a single Mum all because we have a large age gap.
Whilst I completely agree with you in that it's absolutely no one's business who this woman chooses as a partner (I would be absolutely fuming if my mum questioned my choice, let alone wrote into a magazine about it!) I do have my own opinions about big age gaps. My DF was 17 years older that my DM, 56 years old when I was born. He passed away when I was 29, he was 84.
His age was a struggle for me most of my life - friends assuming he was my grandad when I was a kid, helping care for him through my 20's - it was very hard as the child of an older parent.
Having said this, I would never EVER encourage people to make their decisions based on my experience. It's just helped me shape my own!
Your relationship isn’t the same as the relationship in the paper, everyone’s relationships are different. That’s a heavily edited letter, taking out all the personal and identifying details. You and your husband are equals – but some 24/48 year olds, there may be a power imbalance.
If you thought your child was a path that lead to potential unhappiness, would you let them cruise down it would you attempt to get them to re-evaluate their decisions?
To be honest, when he’s 75 and she’s just still a young woman at 50, he’s Mr Floppy and she’s in her Mrs Robinson stage, is it all going to still be a bed of roses? But as you say, we have to assume this written about a mentally able 24 year old with a reasonable amount of experience to make a valid judgement.
There is a big difference between 24 and 48, and 48 and 72.
Not saying it won't work out for you, but some people do suddenly turn old when they hit their 70s. So I understand the concerns.
The "Agony Aunt" is basically siding with the mother, too. Telling her to remind her daughter that she could be a young widow, because of the age gap. Chronologically yes its a high possibility, but Any one can suddenly drop dead or get hit by truck while crossing the road, so. That's just a silly statement. Also about her being a late grandma. Well who's to. say this woman wants kids. Also why would she be left to bring his kids up alone. I assume they have a mother/grandparents.
Also another sure fire way of keeping people together is trying to keep them apart.
It might not matter now but it might later.
I'm annoyed with the agony aunt for saying "It could affect your chances of becoming a grandma too". Wtaf has that got to do with anything?
It’s all a lovely plan until old age kicks in. My parents had a very similar gap and I had to face losing my dad in my early 30s. It’s devastating.
You can try to be cool with it, but I’d be not exactly delighted if any of my children had this sort of age gap and set up. Along with loads of other things I don’t really want them to have to deal with in life. But in reality it would depend massively on seeing them together and the mans personality/attitude/behaviour.
People make terrible choices in life and although I wouldn’t put pressure on my kids to do or be anything in particular, they will get an honest chat about the implications of their decisions and what’s going on in their lives. Just like I’d expect them to speak up if they thought I was heading in a direction that would likely make my life much harder in the long term.
My dd is 24. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if she chose to date anyone that much older, so long as they were decent people. She is under no obligation to make me a grandparent
I really have no wish to be a grandmother and she has no wish to have children .
Parents need to keep their beaks out of their children's relationships unless they are at risk of harm and even then you step carefully.
Thehop people die at any age tho. My sons were only 19 and 21 when their dad died and he wasn’t even retirement age.
Why miss out on what could be 30 to 40 years of a good loving relationship just because of age?
totally silly, if my mum questioned my gap age relationship [if that was the case] i'd laugh and tell her to nicely jog on., and as for reducing the chances of being grandmother ?? the dm has dd's interests at heart but dd's life, dd's choice, she might well drop dm as opposed to dp.
"but some 24/48 year olds, there may be a power imbalance"
I'd change this to every single 24/48 year old. How on earth could there not be?! Ones been alive so much longer!
The mother would be right to voice her concerns. She owes it to herself and DD. I wish my dm had said something when I rocked up with a totally unsuitable man (who turned out to be alchoholic amongst other things). Obviously not to interfere after that, but at least let her DD know...
The Hop, both my parents were dead before I was 30 and before they were 60.
I'm not sure that a mother who worries for her daughter is an 'interfering old hag'.
I would feel the same. Yes, it's worked for you OP. That doesn't mean it isn't fraught with problems for others. My DDs are adult now but if they'd taken up with a 48 year old with 2 young DC at 24, yes I would've been concerned.
I would have the same concerns as the mother - or "hag", as you call her. Funny how you're fine with ageist insults when it's directed towards women.
If my DD suddenly came home with a man far nearer my age then I wouldn't like it either.
I'd like her to enjoy her youth and be with people her own age.
Sorry, but that age gap to me is 'icky'
Each to their own of course.
I'd never judge - but that is MHO.
My friend was widowed in her 30s and missed her opportunity to have kids because of an age gap like this. Her husband died very suddenly.
My friend is married to a man 25 years her senior (she’s 30) and they have a 5 year old and a baby. Her Dad and Uncle were the same age as her husband and have both passed away in their early 50s. It’s had a huge impact on the oldest child as they keep asking “is Daddy going to die soon too?” and her anxiety has been so bad that she’s now having counselling. In her early 20s my friend was also having to deal with awful behaviour from his ex-wife and children from the marriage that were the same age as her. They’d divorced many years before my friend and her husband ever met. It’s not been a pleasant situation at all and I can see why a mother wouldn’t want that for her daughter. I don’t have as extreme a reaction to the article as you. I just think it’s fair enough for her to be concerned. Of course her daughter is free to make her own choices and the mum needs to let her do that but it’s not ridiculous for the mother to be worrying.
Definitely interfering. Congratulations on your happy marriage despite what others have said! I was 12 when my dad who was 42 suddenly passed away so it really can happen to anyone. My DM is 50 and my DstepF is 66 yet it's my DM who is riddled with arthritis and other problems whilst hes a spring chicken!
Aparl, I completely agree with you. But people don’t like to believe that.
My DH is 8 yrs older and I can see he had the upper hand on knowledge and life experience and maturity for the first many years of our relationship (me 24 and him 32 when we met). I even just asked him last week what did he see in someone so young and foolish at that time as as much as I would have liked to believe I was, I actually wasn’t an equal partner in those early years. I did really look up to him but that I’m itself gave him a lot of the power. I’ve definitely caught up now 15 yrs in but I feel a little critical of him not choosing an actual equal at that time. Having said that our personalities work really well together and the spark when we first met was unbelievable. It was only on our 5th date I realised he had no clue how young I was.
The Hop - I lost my Dad when I was 23. He was only 58!
My6 friend's mother had her when she was 45 - she's 96 now and still going strong!
We don't have a set time on this planet....
The "Agony Aunt" is basically siding with the mother, too
Damn right, AawLook.
The AA also rather charmingly observes: "it could affect your chance to be a grandmother".
yeah right. Bcause it's a daughter's DUTY to procreate on behalf of her own mother. FFS - missing the point of whose happiness this is meant to be about, or wot?!
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