Am I being unreasonable to be wary?(33 Posts)
I’ve started dating a really lovely guy. He’s very sweet and caring, incredibly supportive and we always have a lovely time when we are together.
We’ve only been dating for about 6 weeks. A friend of mine recently had an awful break up and came round to mine for dinner and subsequently tried it on. I had already talked about the guy I’m seeing and he was aware of the situation when he made a couple of advances that I promptly stopped and short after he left. I honestly think it was a case of seeking comfort in the wrong place.
In the spirit of openness I told the guy I’m dating, let’s call him Dave, what happened. To me it was a none event, we’ve been friends for 15 years and he was upset. I just wanted to ensure there was transparency between us.
Dave reacted in quite a strong way, stated that he didn’t like the idea of a friend of mine making a pass at me when he knew I was getting involved with someone else and felt that it was disrespectful to both him and I. He also said he didn’t like another of my friends who he’s never met and lives abroad because we communicate regularly and used to be involved. He said that he feels we are going somewhere and will be friendly to these guys if he meets them but if either of them makes another pass at me he’ll deal with it and can’t promise he won’t punch them. He said he’s not controlling, nor is he telling me what to do but he’s not comfortable with either one coming round (or staying in the case of my friend abroad), and is wary of how much we communicate.
We are still at the early stages of dating, we’ve agreed to not date others but we aren’t in a relationship either and I’m a little concerned at the level of jealous being exhibited already. He admitted to having jealousy issues after his ex cheated on him.
Yesterday we went shopping and he made a remark about some guys gawking at us and another guy in a supermarket.
It’s the only red flag, we talk for hours and I’m always laughing and smiling with him but those interactions have also made me wary. He is, for the most part, bubbly and friendly but every now and then I see anger underneath the surface.
He’s only ever lovely and affection to me, he’s incredibly sweet and calm almost all of the time. I just don’t like that side of him which I’ve seen infrequently but it is such early days?
Am i right to be wary?
If he's already wary of how much you communicate with your friends, then that's a Big Red Flag.
You're right to be wary. Nothing good about jealousy. End it while you're not that invested
I think he kind of has a point. Probably a bit too early to be that opinionated but I think it was prob best not to have mentioned to him.
He says he will punch anyone who makes a pass at you and he does not like you talking to male friends. This is all happening in the first 6 weeks. What will he be like in 6 months or 6 years!
I wouldn't hang around for a 7th week if I were you.
So he basically told you he's jealous, controlling and violent.
I wouldn’t be wary.
I’d be DONE.
Seriously, stop seeing him. 6 weeks in and he’s telling you who you can & cant be friends with and is saying HE will deal with it if HE thinks it’s inappropriate and he can’t say he wouldn’t PUNCH them.
Drop him NOW.
Its only been 6 weeks. He doesnt know you, and now youve told him you were with a guy who made a pass at you.
Tbh if Id met a guy then in early stages he told me his female friend made a pass at him knowing hes with me, and theyre still going to be mates anyway, I wouldn't bother with him. As I know whenever they met up Id be thinking hmmm. & that maybe theyve unfinished business.
But anyway these are your friends and you dont like his response so just get rid. Youve not been together long so thats easier than allowing things to continue.
I dont think much of your 1st friend tho. Just broke up with his woman and hitting on you, furthermore when he knows you're not single? He's fast isnt he.
He's a disrespectful creep and thats what your boyfriend will be thinking. & hes right on that score.
Anyway yeah, ditch the boyfriend as his extreme reaction has un-nerved you and you wont be able to have male friends if hes around. & at least you'll still have your friends.
Men who relate everything to what their ex did are boring anyway.
His reaction is totally ringing several alarm bells!
When DH were in our early days one of his friends did something similar, she didn’t make a full on pass at him, but was heavily suggesting they continue their night at her place and kept asking how serious he was about me. He came home early because she made him super uncomfortable and told me about it. Internally the primate part of my brain banshee shrieked and I wanted to yell and smack the girl in question. But I quickly realised how I was happy he’d been honest, explained that I was NOT happy about it and he agreed, we then sort of awkwardly laughed it off.
She never did it again and admitted she was super embarrassed - when she and I got to know each other she was brave enough to tell me it had happened and how mortified she was and we have an amicable friendship now too (still keep one eye on her though lol I’m not perfect!).
I would never have dreamt of telling DH he couldn’t be friends with her though, I’m still friends with an EX!
Leave leave leave.
It's been 6 weeks, if you're seeing anger under he surface now then what on earth will you see the longer you're together.
It sounds like you know this already though Op, you are not overreacting. I wouldn't even give him a full explanation as chances are he'll just try and write it off as the fault of an exgf. It's who he is. If I were you I'd give him a simple "it's not working out between us but I wish you the best".
Then have a think about whether you want anything to happen with the friend who tried it on
No, no, no, no, no.
He does not get to punch anyone because of the way they treat you. He does not say who you get to spend time with or how and when you meet them. Walk away now, OP.
I agree with pp's - end it now before you get too invested. Next thing you know he'll be telling you what you can and cannot wear.
I can see why "Dave" would be annoyed about what your mate did and in his position I'd feel the same, but it sounds like his issues go way beyond that. He's exhibiting rather a lot of confidence in how controlling he thinks he can get away with being after only 6 weeks. I dread to think what he'd be like in 6 months, never mind 6 years. I'm fairly certain you'd find the aggression directed at you before long and before you know it, it will be your fault and something you did which made a man in a supermarket look admiringly at you and you'll be the one in the wrong....run a mile.
Goodness no, anyone showing resentment towards your friends just over a month into a relationship is going to try and subtly coerce you into losing those friends once he gets his feet under the table. You're right to be wary, and it doesn't mean you have to end it (though you'd be justified if you did). Set out your stall and stand firm; see if he backs down and accepts it or if he stands his ground.
Can't promise he won't punch them?
Off you fuck, love.
“can’t promise he won’t punch them.”
You are right to be wary.
He's admitted to jealousy and a tendency to violence.
can’t promise he won’t punch them.
bin him - you'll be the next punch bag
he’s not comfortable with either one coming round (or staying in the case of my friend abroad), and is wary of how much we communicate.
6 weeks in and he’s already trying to separate you from friends? Run. FAST!
It’s the only red flag, we talk for hours and I’m always laughing and smiling with him but those interactions have also made me wary.
At only 6 weeks in, any red flag is a red flag too many.
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