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I feel like we're drifting.....

(33 Posts)
chuckles1066 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:45:19

So we've been together since 1984. Lots of ups and downs, pretty standard for any couple who've been together that long I guess.

I'm going through the change, I can't deny that. He is 55, I'm 52.

My husband gets up at 5a.m every day to get to his gym at 6a.m. He spends two and a bit hours working out before going to work and he gets home at just after 6 every night.

He is 10st 10lbs, 13% body fat but isn't obsessive about things; there is heart disease in his family so he is mindful of that. But he will happily eat a takeaway, he just believes in trying to keep himself up together.

He likes a drink at home a couple of nights a week and that's where the red mist comes down for me.

My dad used to come home from work and take the weekly pay packet (when you were paid weekly in cash back in the day) down to the local British Legion where he'd blow the lot; I think that's where I'm mentally scarred.

Am I wrong to have a go at my husband for a couple of drinks a week?

He tells me that he feels like he's in a cage and I'm poking him with a stick. Idiot.

Isohungy Mon 08-Apr-19 17:47:07

Hope, with hindsight I can see my first response could have been misread with a tone that wasn't intended. But thank you none the less flowers

nokidshere Sun 07-Apr-19 22:53:16

It's quite a long time to have been together for this to be an issue now? Has something happened?

We have been together since 1983 and I also have an issue with drinking because of a violent alcoholic father, but DH has known this since day 1 and has moderated his drinking to accommodate my fears (which have reduced greatly over the years because I know I can trust him)

So it seems a long time to have been living with this fear or something else has happened to bring it to the fore?

Cherrysoup Sun 07-Apr-19 22:47:06

Yabmassivelyu and I think you know it. Does he get pissed? Out of control? Or is he having a couple of drinks then stopping? It’s quite normal, Ime, to have a few drinks during the week. Unless he’s a raging alcoholic who saves his binge drinking for these two nights, then yabu. He’s not the one with issues.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 07-Apr-19 22:45:04

OP how much does he drink when he drinks? Is it two drinks or is it more?

HopeClearwater Sun 07-Apr-19 22:42:38

Or even @Isohungy

I should know better. flowers

HopeClearwater Sun 07-Apr-19 22:42:10

Ah I apologise @Isohungry

Isohungy Sun 07-Apr-19 19:16:25

hope I am teetotal for that very reason- please do not make assumptions.
I also thought long and hard about whether I'd be able to feel at ease around a drinking partner. This doesn't sound like a new issue for the OP and whilst I fully empathise with her history, it should only explain and not excuse what is essentially controlling behaviour towards her DH.

HopeClearwater Sun 07-Apr-19 19:08:42

perhaps you ought to have married someone teetotal if you find it so triggering

If you’d grown up in an alcoholic household you might understand where the OP is coming from. No need to be so hard about it. There aren’t a lot of teetotallers in this booze-soaked society either. Anyway, you go back to your bucket of Prosecco ...

screamifyouwant Sun 07-Apr-19 18:36:32

Yabu

A couple of times a week is drinking in moderation.
My dad does this with my mum hates drinking so practically makes out she's a alcoholic because she likes a couple of glasses of wine on a Saturday. It's totally his issue and he's unreasonable it annoys my mums and she ignores him .
I work out a few times a week but if I feel like a glass of wine I'll have a glass of wine . If my dh pulled his Face I'd be quite annoyed.

PurpleDaisies Sun 07-Apr-19 18:30:36

What has brought all this up now?

Isohungy Sun 07-Apr-19 18:28:08

Do you drink OP?

perhaps you ought to have married someone teetotal if you find it so triggering?

Unfinishedkitchen Sun 07-Apr-19 18:25:01

I’m glad I read the whole thread and saw that you realised YWBU because I was about to say that I feel very sorry for him.

chuckles1066 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:19:35

Thank you for the responses; it's not easy having people tell you that you have issues but I guess that I have.

My husband likes a drink a couple of times a week and I see him as an idiot for wanting to do so but having read your responses then I see things differently.

Thank you all for aligning my moral compass.

Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:02:22

It's common for someone who has had issues with alcohol in the past to be nervous around any quantity of it. I sometimes am, if I'm in an edgy mood, in which case I would consciously not be around people who are drinking as I realise it's my issue.

I don't understand why this has suddenly come up if they've been together since 1984.

NowIKnowHowJoanFelt Sun 07-Apr-19 18:00:17

I understand. My mother was a chronic alcoholic, and I suffered a great deal at her hands. Mostly she drank in the house. It took years, and I do mean MANY years, before I could tolerate my husband drinking in the house (and goodness knows it was very little) without thinking/feeling he was descending into that particular abyss too. Now I have zero problem with it because I have come to understand the difference. I would wholeheartedly encourage you to talk to someone about it, and to be honest with your husband about the very understandable visceral reaction it causes you to feel. You can get over this. I did .

Dottierichardson Sun 07-Apr-19 18:00:10

I know what you mean as my ex was an alcoholic, now don't drink and husband doesn't drink as his ex also had alcohol problems, so not an issue. But would not begrudge a couple of drinks to anyone, if your husband's been doing that for years, then it's really not going to escalate at this point. And loads of friends have a few glasses of wine after work and again don't have an actual drinking problem it's just how they unwind. So think you need to address your issues rather than not allowing your husband his after-work treat.

catisbeingsick Sun 07-Apr-19 17:59:50

You are being unreasonable and you know this

aprarl Sun 07-Apr-19 17:59:40

Actually reverse makes sense.

Especially with the detailed description of his weight and body fat, and only vague references to "the change" and "scarring".

PinkHeart5914 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:58:21

I’m really not seeing the issue here.

A perfectly healthy man has a drink a couple of nights a week shock

He isn’t an idiot for having a drink.

You however has issues around this and it must be fucking annoying you banging on about it like his a toddler

MairzyDoats Sun 07-Apr-19 17:58:20

Is this a reverse? Because obviously you are being unreasonable but your post is written in such a way that it seems like you absolutely know you are.

HollowTalk Sun 07-Apr-19 17:57:32

Surely this is a reverse. Unless there's a huge drip feed, surely you wouldn't want to portray yourself as such a controlling and unreasonable woman, would you?

aprarl Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:36

I don't understand. Has he only just started drinking?

Order654 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:37

A few drinks every week ? No problem at all.

Your being massively over the top.

IMissGin Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:17

Unless there’s something else going on here you are massively over reacting. How does a couple of drinks at home equate to blowing all his wages in the pub like your dad used to? Why are you punishing him for your dads actions?

PurpleDaisies Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:58

I don’t understand what his gym and eating habits have to do with him having a couple of drinks a week.

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