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I feel like we're drifting.....

(33 Posts)
chuckles1066 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:45:19

So we've been together since 1984. Lots of ups and downs, pretty standard for any couple who've been together that long I guess.

I'm going through the change, I can't deny that. He is 55, I'm 52.

My husband gets up at 5a.m every day to get to his gym at 6a.m. He spends two and a bit hours working out before going to work and he gets home at just after 6 every night.

He is 10st 10lbs, 13% body fat but isn't obsessive about things; there is heart disease in his family so he is mindful of that. But he will happily eat a takeaway, he just believes in trying to keep himself up together.

He likes a drink at home a couple of nights a week and that's where the red mist comes down for me.

My dad used to come home from work and take the weekly pay packet (when you were paid weekly in cash back in the day) down to the local British Legion where he'd blow the lot; I think that's where I'm mentally scarred.

Am I wrong to have a go at my husband for a couple of drinks a week?

He tells me that he feels like he's in a cage and I'm poking him with a stick. Idiot.

ZaraW Sun 07-Apr-19 17:47:26

Why is he a idiot having a couple of drinks is fine. You are the one with unresolved issues.

nauseous5000 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:52:16

YABU. A couple of drinks is likely far below his weekly units. He works hard, keeps himself fit and doesn't spend your money (as far as you've said) on his drinks, so it's your issue, not his

Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:54:10

Have you or someone you are/were close to had issues with alcohol in the past?

Madmarchpear Sun 07-Apr-19 17:54:57

His drinking behaviour is not comparable to your feckless dad's. I think you need therapy... Or at the very least a gin and tonic.

PurpleDaisies Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:03

Am I wrong to have a go at my husband for a couple of drinks a week?

Yes, you are unless there’s a big drip feed coming.

What do you mean by “the red mist comes down”?

CheekyChappy710 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:17

Wtf sort yourself out you have issues. This must be a reverse.

Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:47

Oh sorry, I missed the rather glaringly obvious bit about your father.

Do you ever have a couple of drinks with him or have your childhood experiences put you off altogether?

PurpleDaisies Sun 07-Apr-19 17:55:58

I don’t understand what his gym and eating habits have to do with him having a couple of drinks a week.

IMissGin Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:17

Unless there’s something else going on here you are massively over reacting. How does a couple of drinks at home equate to blowing all his wages in the pub like your dad used to? Why are you punishing him for your dads actions?

Order654 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:37

A few drinks every week ? No problem at all.

Your being massively over the top.

aprarl Sun 07-Apr-19 17:56:36

I don't understand. Has he only just started drinking?

HollowTalk Sun 07-Apr-19 17:57:32

Surely this is a reverse. Unless there's a huge drip feed, surely you wouldn't want to portray yourself as such a controlling and unreasonable woman, would you?

MairzyDoats Sun 07-Apr-19 17:58:20

Is this a reverse? Because obviously you are being unreasonable but your post is written in such a way that it seems like you absolutely know you are.

PinkHeart5914 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:58:21

I’m really not seeing the issue here.

A perfectly healthy man has a drink a couple of nights a week shock

He isn’t an idiot for having a drink.

You however has issues around this and it must be fucking annoying you banging on about it like his a toddler

aprarl Sun 07-Apr-19 17:59:40

Actually reverse makes sense.

Especially with the detailed description of his weight and body fat, and only vague references to "the change" and "scarring".

catisbeingsick Sun 07-Apr-19 17:59:50

You are being unreasonable and you know this

Dottierichardson Sun 07-Apr-19 18:00:10

I know what you mean as my ex was an alcoholic, now don't drink and husband doesn't drink as his ex also had alcohol problems, so not an issue. But would not begrudge a couple of drinks to anyone, if your husband's been doing that for years, then it's really not going to escalate at this point. And loads of friends have a few glasses of wine after work and again don't have an actual drinking problem it's just how they unwind. So think you need to address your issues rather than not allowing your husband his after-work treat.

NowIKnowHowJoanFelt Sun 07-Apr-19 18:00:17

I understand. My mother was a chronic alcoholic, and I suffered a great deal at her hands. Mostly she drank in the house. It took years, and I do mean MANY years, before I could tolerate my husband drinking in the house (and goodness knows it was very little) without thinking/feeling he was descending into that particular abyss too. Now I have zero problem with it because I have come to understand the difference. I would wholeheartedly encourage you to talk to someone about it, and to be honest with your husband about the very understandable visceral reaction it causes you to feel. You can get over this. I did .

Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:02:22

It's common for someone who has had issues with alcohol in the past to be nervous around any quantity of it. I sometimes am, if I'm in an edgy mood, in which case I would consciously not be around people who are drinking as I realise it's my issue.

I don't understand why this has suddenly come up if they've been together since 1984.

chuckles1066 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:19:35

Thank you for the responses; it's not easy having people tell you that you have issues but I guess that I have.

My husband likes a drink a couple of times a week and I see him as an idiot for wanting to do so but having read your responses then I see things differently.

Thank you all for aligning my moral compass.

Unfinishedkitchen Sun 07-Apr-19 18:25:01

I’m glad I read the whole thread and saw that you realised YWBU because I was about to say that I feel very sorry for him.

Isohungy Sun 07-Apr-19 18:28:08

Do you drink OP?

perhaps you ought to have married someone teetotal if you find it so triggering?

PurpleDaisies Sun 07-Apr-19 18:30:36

What has brought all this up now?

screamifyouwant Sun 07-Apr-19 18:36:32


A couple of times a week is drinking in moderation.
My dad does this with my mum hates drinking so practically makes out she's a alcoholic because she likes a couple of glasses of wine on a Saturday. It's totally his issue and he's unreasonable it annoys my mums and she ignores him .
I work out a few times a week but if I feel like a glass of wine I'll have a glass of wine . If my dh pulled his Face I'd be quite annoyed.

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