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Being 2nd fiddle to partners kids activities

(77 Posts)
Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 14:58:50

Just looking for others opinions as maybe I'm being demanding or unreasonable? My boyfriend of 8 years (we do not live together BTW). Sees his teenage kids a week night every week and a Fri sat and Sun night every other week, plus any extra nights they ever ask to stay, now my issue atm is I just feel Like I don't know where I fit in anymore, I've always had the view of kids come first as mine do with me but he seems to do more that the average absent dad which in some ways is good, good dad I guess and nice for his kids but atm seems like he never has any time to me to spend with me, he ends up working list Saturdays and every Sunday takes his son to football even though originally when it was agreed his ex would do it every other week, this never happened, he ended up volunteering to coach the football too so even though yes I expect kids come first if they need him but I feeling really pissed off lately that he chooses to go to football training every wed and matches Sunday meani g we never get to go out for day or do anything, but I'm made to reel like the bad guy cos they're his kids and hmax he said today hell spend as much tme with them as he can. He's due to work away all next week, this was our weekend without his kids but as his dad was visiting abroad and staying with him his daughter stayed fri and sat, I said you don't have kids tonight do you (Sunday) as not his weekend and his dad has gone, he said yes his daughter wants to stay as she won't see him in her week night as he's working away (she's 13). It annoyed me as she'd already stayed two extra nights, where as I now won't seem him for over a week, am I being unreasonable to want to be a, priority sometimes, or expect him to make alternative arrangements for football every other week he doesn't have his kids?

HavelockVetinari Sun 07-Apr-19 15:00:58

YABU, I'm afraid that's part and parcel of being with someone who has DC. Maybe you're not compatible.

Chocolateisfab Sun 07-Apr-19 15:01:02

Unfortunately you don't seem suited to having a bf with dc.
Not a criticism just a fact.

Myshinynewname Sun 07-Apr-19 15:01:30

Why can’t you see him while his kids are there?

LakieLady Sun 07-Apr-19 15:01:49

Having been in more than one relationship with men with children (resident and non-resident), I'd say you have to accept that their kids are always going to come first. And I'm not sure that I'd want to be in a relationship with a man who didn't put his children first, tbh.

alilstressed Sun 07-Apr-19 15:04:20

He doesn't sound like an 'absent' dad at all, which is fantastic. He's doing what he needs to do

Aveeno2017 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:08:29

So you would be happy if he stood to the agreed times? You used the term "absent dad" he's far from that...why can't you get involved with them! I have a 10 year old with my husband...what with him working most weekends and late nights we hardly get to spend quality time together but that's part and parcel of being a parent weather they live with you or not!! You sound very selfish.

strathmore Sun 07-Apr-19 15:09:06

A child is for life not just for Christmas and Disney trips

He sounds like a great dad.

buddy79 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:09:58

Yabu sorry. He’s putting time with his children and being involved in their lives first, as many more separated Fathers should. You will have to decide if the relationship can work for you on that basis.

Pianobook Sun 07-Apr-19 15:12:14

Why can’t you do things together? You have been with him for eight years.

Foxmuffin Sun 07-Apr-19 15:14:57

It’s not unreasonable to have some couple time. Can you ask that he sets aside an evening for the both of you sometimes?

Ginger1982 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:15:10

YABU. What about your kids? Are you expecting him to forgo seeing his to spend tons with yours or are you meaning when your kids are with their dad?

BrokenWing Sun 07-Apr-19 15:17:36

but he seems to do more that the average absent dad

Because he's not an "absent" dad, he's just a dad putting his children where they should be, first.

If you can't accept it you aren't compatible.

TowelNumber42 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:22:26

He sounds normal. It is odd that you are doing all the chasing of when to meet up though. I'd expect him to say something like ^I'm away all week and DD is staying on Sunday so shall we meet up on <days> for dinner out?"

lyralalala Sun 07-Apr-19 15:22:34

The fact he doesn't live full time with his kids doesn't mean he shouldn't be a full time Dad. It sounds like he's just a Dad rather than being the kind of NRP who thinks he's only part of his kids' lives eow and on a tuesday which is a good thing.

If you don't want to date a full time parent then walk away. Anything else would suggest that you should somehow ask or encourage him to minimise time with his children and that would be completely wrong.

MRex Sun 07-Apr-19 15:24:18

It's a bit odd to not live together after 8 years, what's the story behind that? Do you ever spend time with him and his children?

He sounds like a great dad, if you can fit in with things for the next 5 years then the kids will be adults and around much less. Until then I guess most parents take a few days per year to be the priority, and I agree you should work out some occasional couple time but it isn't likely to be much. If he won't do that, or if that isn't enough for you then it doesn't seem like it will work.

DippyAvocado Sun 07-Apr-19 15:25:37

I don't know that this is necessarily related to the fact that the kids aren't yours. If he works Saturdays and does football matches/training every Sunday and you work during the week then there wouldn't be an opportunity for day trips etc even if you were a "traditional" family all living together all the time. We are also a family of busy weekend activities and do our days out during school holidays. DH and I don't tend to do things just the two of us.

Greeborising Sun 07-Apr-19 15:25:45

I have to agree with pp’s here.
His children must be his priority right now.
Doing things all together seems more than reasonable so you don’t feel ‘excluded’
You really must not put him in a position where he has to choose
As they get older the situation will almost certainly change and if you see a future with this man then wouldn’t it be nice if you have a good relationship with his kids?

AlaskanOilBaron Sun 07-Apr-19 15:27:46

Don't you have a relationship with his kids after 8 years together?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks Sun 07-Apr-19 15:30:29

He’s a dad so he’s a parent first, to being your boyfriend and that’s never going to change.

If my dp expected me to put him before my dc then he’d no longer be my dp.

Thankfully my dp knows he’s in third place, and would never expect that even though he doesn’t have children of his own, he knows that my dc come first and rightly so.

Both dc’s dads have partners who thankfully also feel the same as my dp. One has dc the other does not. But what it results in is very happy, confident, settled teenagers, who knows there is no conflict between their parents, and who knows that they choose which parent to stay with and when (normally depending on what they are doing and where they are going) and that they are welcome and never made to feel that they are a burden or intruding in on their parents plans.

Frankly I would have thought after all these years you would have been used to it?

cuppycakey Sun 07-Apr-19 15:35:31

Is there a reason why you cannot see him if he has his DC? It seems a bit odd to have completely separate lives to this extent after 8 years - although I totally understand not wanting to actually live together.

SomewhereInbetween1 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:35:34

Do you only see each other when the children aren't there?

NoSquirrels Sun 07-Apr-19 15:35:39

Are your DC away with their DF when your BF should be having a child-free weekend? Is this why you're annoyed, because it should work out that it's children 2x weekend a month and single/couple time 2x weekends a month?

You've got to realise that he doesn't live with them full-time, so whilst you're no doubt craving a bit of alone time with your BF, he is craving seeing his DC who he doesn't live with.

You need to accept that the DC come first always, and you as a couple need to fit around that. So plan more stuff altogether as a family with your DC and his, and accept that you're not at a stage of life you can come first.

Sorry. But that's how it is, I guess.

daisychain01 Sun 07-Apr-19 15:39:25

but atm seems like he never has any time to me to spend with me, he ends up working list Saturdays and every Sunday takes his son to football even though originally when it was agreed his ex would do it every other week, this never happened

Could it be he is planning it that way? Is he trying to give you a message - between his work and his DC, he isn't making time for you, and that tends to be because the person doesn't want to make time.

There's a balance between being Dad of the Year and giving time for personal relationships- when it gets to the point you feel pushed out, there's probably some truth in that hunch.

Would be worth a conversation on an evening when he isn't on Dad Duties.

RedDogsBeg Sun 07-Apr-19 15:40:25

Football is seasonal so outside of that you will have time to go out for the day.

Have you not met his children, do you not spend any time together with the children?

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