WWYD - guilt tripping/rewriting histroy(11 Posts)
My grandmother is not very well. I have never been close to her and she has always treated my mother horrendously and has made some very bizzare/outragous accusations that no normal human would voice (includes attempted murder!).
That side of the family live in Scotland and we probably saw them 1/2 a year growing up and only spoke only on birthdays etc. I do not feel close to them at all and consider them basically strangers. Every time I've visited in recent years it's felt liking puling teeth. No laughter/good conversation at all.
However, in recent months my grandmother has been receving chemotherapy. I've been sent letters from cousins (I hardly speak to) basically questioning why I'm such a distant, cold-hearted bitch. There are MANY reasons why I choose to get on with my very busy life (just bought a doer upper), one reason being I just don't like any of them. A lot of fingers get pointed at me without any recognition of their poor behaviour. They act totally clueless as to why I don't want to be constantly around them all. If it was a grandmother on my other side I would act differently.
AIBU just to get on with my life? I feel bad that an elderly lady is suffering but I hardly know her and she's been horrible to us. I'm an only child so the focus is very much on me!
Sorry for typos/poor spelling- had to quickly type this
Aunt is messaging me as I typpe
Are you ever likely to see/care about those cousins either?
If not, there's no obligation. 'Family' is not a reason
I don't think you owe them anything. Absolutely get on with your life and don't let them ruin your happiness. If they were juat trying to reach out to you it would be different.
You don't ow them anything but they are hurting and they see your behaviour as a bit callous. Whilst to outsiders (us) you are doing nothing wrong, to them you are not caring about someone they love deeply and unconditionally. Whilst you are busy, make time to go in person and talk to your grandmother, perhaps there's more to the story and conversations now may make sense of things.
They think you should love your GM the way they do. They may be resentful that they are there helping and you arent. She may be singing your praises to them. How often do we see people posting how they do everything with no recognition for a relative and yet someone who the relative hardly sees can do no wrong? They may be aware of any will she has written and have inheritance issues because they feel your share isnt fair. There could be a number of reasons why they want you more involved or are pissed off because you arent. Only you can decide if you want to continue a relationship with them.
I dont speak to any of my cousins on one side of the family as they are all 2 faced, gossipy, selfish, materialistic wankers. It doesn't bother me that they are "family" as I don't see them as such. They have behaved so appallingly that no one really speaks to them and they are going to be very lonely as time goes on.
Just ignore them and carry on as you are.
If you don't want a relationship with the cousins either then block them on your phone and email; they they can rave as much as they like but you won't see it. I don't think anybody who cares about your welfare would start the conversation by asking why you're "such a distant, cold-hearted bitch", they would phone and ask how you are, let you know your grandmother has asked after you, and give you space to speak.
As to your not visiting her - you don't like her, so don't go, you aren't obliged to support someone you don't like. It's not even like she's alone, let the cousins deal with it all.
DH gran died last year. You would have thought she was a saint listening to descriptions from other grandchildren. What actually happened was that she favoured some of her children and grandchildren, and they had no idea that other grandchildren didn't even get a card or phone call for their birthday, or a selection box at Christmas, while they were unwrapping a new bike or phone.
They could not believe that she had never given DH or his siblings anything, or never popped round to visit, or invited them round EVER.
I am sure they didn't understand why he didn't rush to her deathbed or cry at the funeral, but they have some inkling now.
Maybe a similar situation for you.
I'd probably block them to be honest they don't sound very nice.
Just write back telling them how you feel, how horrible she has been etc and you have no intention of visiting
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