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Disappointed with my friend

(10 Posts)
Maybeoneday77 Sun 07-Apr-19 12:21:35

For over 2 years I’ve had an amazing flexible part time nanny/baby sitting situation, anything from 2-10 hours a week as and when. It’s made a huge difference to my life as I have no family within 2 hours and it’s given me one on one time with all of the children. I’ve been really lucky and the kids adore her. It. Has meant I can be at all of the children’s activities and school events without having to wrestle a screaming toddler with me all the time.
I recommended her to a friend as a sitter, she’s used her half a dozen times and has now offered her a full time nanny job starting in a few weeks. Fair enough I suppose, but what has really upset me is that she’s done it all behind my back. She hasn’t mentioned it to me, I only know as the nanny has told me. My “Friend” has essentially stolen my child care and not said a word to me about it, I’ve since seen her for lunch and she never said a word. I’m really shocked that she could do this to a friend, she’s made my life more difficult and obviously doesn’t care a jot. Am I being precious or has she been U?

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sun 07-Apr-19 12:28:03

YABU to expect your nanny to work PT for you indefinitely but YANBU for feeling a bit let down by your friend not mentioning it. That's a bit shit. That said it seems likely your nanny would have taken FT work at some point elsewhere even if she hadn't accepted FT offer from your friend.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Sun 07-Apr-19 12:28:06

Touch one. I can see why you are upset but babysitter is not ‘yours’ she is a person who has bow been offered a full time position which is obviously better for her. This is a person we are talking about not ‘the help’.
With regards to your friend you don’t know what they have talked about I.e babysitter saying she would love a full time role/needs money etc.
I can see why your friend not having the decency to mention to you she was going to offer her a full time position may piss you off a bit, and she could have easily said.

Doyoumind Sun 07-Apr-19 12:28:20

I don't think YABU. She should have told you herself.

From the nanny's perspective, it probably makes sense to have a full time role so she might have taken one elsewhere if not with your friend.

Your friend should have told you what she was thinking of beforehand. She doesn't care about you.

BarrenFieldofFucks Sun 07-Apr-19 12:38:17

Yeah, I'd be rethinking her 'friend' title.

Leeds2 Sun 07-Apr-19 12:41:02

Maybe she was giving the nanny the opportunity to tell you first?

Whatever, she wouldn't be my friend going forward. Nor would I be doing childcare for her when, for example, the nanny is sick.

pinkdelight Sun 07-Apr-19 12:58:19

Can't you work this to your advantage and frame it to your friend so you get to nanny share when you need help? Like - "It's great that you like nanny so much but it does leave me up shit creek and the kids will miss her so how about I pay xxx to get a few hours a week?". Using however much guilt tripping etc to make it work.

That said, it's incredibly rare to have ad hoc part time childcare like you've had so you've been lucky the Nanny's not gone fulltime sooner, so I wouldn't be too miffed. Agree your friend prob felt nanny should tell you and if she told you herself what could you have said that wouldn't have ended up spoiling your lunch? It's an awks situation for sure but she hasn't really done wrong.

mumwon Sun 07-Apr-19 13:04:23

can nanny look after both children - ie nanny share? I know its done but it depends on number of children & where you both live - its up to nanny firstly but I think as your df dropped you in it I think you could approach this idea in your friends home perhaps?

MiniEggAddiction Sun 07-Apr-19 13:19:28

I'd be pissed off too to be honest, your friend should have told you herself.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sun 07-Apr-19 13:21:24

I don't think the nanny or friend are BU. She likely needs more than 2-10 hours a week to survive and your friend could offer her more work. Given you use it as luxury childcare rather than essential to work neither likely saw it as an issue. Your nanny could have left for any other job.

You could simply ask if she would mind sharing the childcare at points to reduce your friends bill and up the nannies income given how flexible she has been for you in the past. Not worth losing two relationships over.

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