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To think exP is on a different planet to think this is a good idea?

(21 Posts)
HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 11:12:22

ExP and I separated a couple of years ago when I was pregnant. We have two other DC, now aged 10 and 5. For the first 6 months, he would come and see them at my house or we'd go out for the day - in my view to help him build to a relationship with them without me there. When I asked when he was planning on getting his own place and seeing them alone, he cut contact altogether. He didn't come to the baby's birth despite knowing I was in labour and alone with the other DC.

He has been in touch every 6 months or so since, asking if I fancy a day out with the DC...! I have reiterated that he's welcome to get in touch when he has a place to see them alone/plans to be a consistent presence in their life without me there. He then doesn't reply.

This morning I've had my six monthly message, but this time he's taken it a step further. He's now back in touch with his DC from a previous relationship that he cut contact with when our 5 yo was born, and has asked if we'd like to go and meet them both for a day out today!

How on earth can he think seeing my DC for the first time in so long would be a good idea alongside his other poor abandoned DC?! AIBU to stop my polite 'when you're ready to be consistent...' answer and just tell him to fuck off?

FWIW, I suspect the 6 monthly messages are only so that he can show his family/friends/the DC in future that he's trying to see them but that I'm not forthcoming and that this request to meet with his other DC is only to forewarn us where they're going so we don't bump into them as it'd be all kinds of awkward.

Bambamrubblesmum Sun 07-Apr-19 11:36:31

Does he pay maintenance for the kids?

HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 11:44:20

A bit, but not enough.

Isitweekendyet Sun 07-Apr-19 12:08:08

I’m assuming your five year old was the baby? If not how old is your youngest?

This has been going on for years, I’d block his number and just get on with your life. He has no interest in his children and giving him the outlet to possibly drift in and out would be more harmful to them than no contact.

He’s bad news, but we don’t need to tell you that. If he wants contact he can go through the correct channels, not by bi-yearly texts.

JenniferJareau Sun 07-Apr-19 12:13:08

It is his way of assuaging his guilt. He can say he has tried to have contact but you haven't complied. It isn't true, but he can convince himself and others it is.

user1473878824 Sun 07-Apr-19 14:07:52

OP, that’s really shit for you and your DC. But the huge red flat was there when he cut contact with his other child.

user1480880826 Sun 07-Apr-19 14:26:54

Take him to court for some proper maintenance.

Butterymuffin Sun 07-Apr-19 14:29:11

Yes, go through court. He's kidding himself that this constitutes 'making an effort', which it doesn't.

Chocolateisfab Sun 07-Apr-19 14:30:58

Block him ffs.
You owe him nothing.

Squigglesworth Sun 07-Apr-19 14:52:26

At their ages, seeing their father only twice a year (if even that often) seems like it could potentially be more damaging than making a clean break.

It sounds like he wants you there so he doesn't ever have to take full responsibility for the children. You'll always be on hand to do the heavy lifting of parenting. Obnoxious.

HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 16:50:22

The youngest is 2.5 and has seen him twice, wouldn't even recognise him.

He knows where we live, where the DC go to school, what our routine is. I can't believe people honestly believe that he cannot seek contact if he really wanted to. He doesn't even ask after them.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Sun 07-Apr-19 16:54:15

It might be worth you seeing a solicitor and getting some legal advice re exactly where you stand in terms of both contact and maintenance. Just so if it all blows up in the future then you’re on solid ground.

user1473878824 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:15:59

Seriously OP why would you think your children would be different to the one he abandoned? You say “poor abandoned DC” but why didn’t your give enough of a shit at the time to make him see them? You stayed with him knowing he’d done this.

Your children are children. Contact will go through you as it has been. From the sound of it he’s unlikely to turn up at the school gates desperate to see his children. Tell him no. Go to court. Do whatever. But none of this could have been a surprise.

HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 17:29:22

I did encourage him to fight for his DC. He told me his ex had moved away and moved the kids school and that he had employed a solicitor to help find them. He lied.

Ewitsahooman Sun 07-Apr-19 17:43:37

You say “poor abandoned DC” but why didn’t your give enough of a shit at the time to make him see them?

It's not the OP's responsibility to make him see his other DC, he's the only person to blame for that.

HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 17:47:28

I could only encourage, not force. I did tell him his lack of action was one of the reasons I was going to leave him but he still didn't do anything and lied that he was doing more.

Butterymuffin Sun 07-Apr-19 18:03:57

He's now going to be telling the same story about you, of course. 'I keep contacting her and asking to see the kids but she's really uncooperative'. Annoying but nothing you can do. What you can do is follow the legal process to make him pay more towards them - they/you may as well get some financial support as they won't be getting anything else from him.

user1473878824 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:14:45

@Ewitsahooman of course he is but she went on to have three kids with him. Even with lies about lawyers why would you give up seeing your own children? None of this should be exactly a shock.

HipHipHippoo Sun 07-Apr-19 19:12:23

He was seeing them when we had our first two DC. Number 3 was an accident.

CandyCreeper Sun 07-Apr-19 19:21:37

Well you cant be surprised hes done the same to your children can you 🤷‍♀️

MsVestibule Sun 07-Apr-19 20:38:25

I wonder how many men spin the 'my ex won't let me have any contact with them, I tried so hard 😢' crap? One of my friends had the same thing. He said his ex would hardly let him see his sons - apparently the only way he could catch a glimpse of them was to watch them playing outside their house.

Ten years later, he left her and their child. No great surprise, he paid minimal maintenance and made very little effort to see him.

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