I never get a break(12 Posts)
This isn't a woe is me, I'm incredibly lucky to have two wonderful children and a nice little home but my fucking god I'm exhausted.
I have 2 DC, 4+2 and I haven't had a break since I was pregnant with DC1. ExP comes to see the children everyday but he would never to think to have them on his own. (Where he's living atm isn't suitable for 2 children as he lives with a disabled parent who has a lot of medication laying around).
It's non stop, neither of them sleep very well at all so most nights I survive on 2 hours sleep. I do everything, breakfast, getting oldest ready for school nursery, dinners, activities, bath, bedtimes, parties etc all while exP swans in and out doing as he pleases, seeing who he wants whenever he wants. He can go for meals out, pints, sporting events, sitting round his mates house till god knows what time.
I can't have a relationship because I don't go out to socialise. Someone recently reconnected with me from the past who I used to really get on with pre kids but he soon got bored when he couldn't come round when the kids were in bed because sometimes they just won't settle until quite late and by then I'm absolutely knackered. I 0 friends. And I mean 0. I lost contact with them all when DC1 took up all my time and they were all at uni and they just stopped inviting me to do things because they knew I wouldn't have the childcare. It's just me and the kids everyday.
I do have family, I'm close to my mum but hell would freeze over before she would suggest having them for an hour. I've never asked her too, I would never expect her too but it would be nice for her to offer but I think she's scared that I'd bite her hand off at the chance.
I suppose I'm just feeling abit sorry for myself today, I have two wonderful children but I'm so lonely. I'm craving adult conversation and interaction. I can't work yet because childcare would be absolutely impossible. Youngest DC gets 15 hours free next year but I couldn't afford the top up to be able to work and I have absolutely no one to help me.
Please tell me others feel this way, sometimes it's just absolutely shit isn't it.
Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. It really does sound exhausting. How is your relationship with your exP? Does he pay maintenance? If you don't feel comfortable letting him take the kids to his place, surely he could take the kids out somewhere for a few hours several times a week? Could he mind the kids at your place in the evening if you want to go out and catch up with friends?
Im in your situation but with 4 children. My ex doesnt see them at all as he is absent and has been for a few years no, no contact at all. I have no family apart from dad who is disabled and sister who never helps, never babysat nothing. No friends. So yeh youre not alone. Why cant your ex take the kids out or he could stay at yours whilst you go out?
Feel for you Op.
Im a SP of 4 dc, 2 are diagnosed with ASD & ADHD.
Personally i would be encouraging your exdp to take the dc out on his own. Start of slowly, say 1 visit per week. Park or soft play to start with. It will do them all good.
You could pop out whilst he visits once a week too.
Have you approached your GP or H.V regarding your dc sleep issues? Sleep is by far my biggest issue too.
Prioritise yourself so you can manage everything else.
sounds like you need exH to take more on. if you're happy that he's seeing the kids at your house could you go out or nap or something?
Um why the fuck wouldn’t you’re ex have them on his own. Just tell him to take them out for the day because you’re busy and have plans.
Stop martyring yourself.
Tell your mother how you feel, ask her to help once in awhile.
Ex needs to step up. Tell him it's time he developed his own independent relationship with his children (ready for when they are older) and he needs to have them without you. At the very least he can take them to a park for an hour or two. Medication lying around is a lazy excuse; pick it up / have one room out of bounds. If you're happy to have him in your house, he can have them whilst you go out. You may need to build up from an hour or two, to start off with.
Would agree with previous posters that ex needs to step up. Leave him with them at your house for an hour or two - depending on timing, he can get their meal, start bath time etc. If he never does it, he will never learn how to. Then, with the summer months and lighter evenings coming up, get him to take them out to the park, for a walk etc, leaving you at home. Consider letting him have them for a day at the weekend - needn't be a long day, or involve a sleepover, just from, say, 10 - 4. Long enough for him to take them out to a farm etc.
Would also suggest that you do a pre school activity with your youngest whilst the four year old is at school (if you can afford it). DC will enjoy it, and it will give you the chance to chat to other mums in the area (who may be just as lonely as you!). If money is tight, go to story time at your library - these are usually free. If one of the mums seems nice, ask if they would like to go for coffee next week, or meet up at the park in the week with the children.
Agree with other people about asking people to do stuff. I think you've got into a very understandable rut of 'This is how things are and I have to do 100%.' Yeah, you are going to end up doing a pretty high percentage, but if you could get your mum and your ex to give you an occasional break it'd do you a lot of good.
Here’s the thing - if you ask your mum for a day, or an evening, and she says no, you’re in the exact same situation you’re in now. So you can’t lose, by asking...
Anyone who gets ‘bored’ of not being able to come over because someone has kids can feck right off, in my opinion. He can feck off and make way for people with a better attention span.
Can you go out while ExP looks after the kids at your place?
I don't think your ex should be coming every day. Make firm arrangements with him for one or two days a week, he entertains the dcs and you do what you feel like.
Best of luck.
There are lots of options. Ask your mum for help, join toddler groups and start to make friends. Why can’t your ex P look after them at your house and you do something else if he can’t have them at his? Why can’t you volunteer somewhere and see if your mum, or exP could look after them for a couple of hours?
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