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Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

(216 Posts)
FeelingGreen2day Sun 07-Apr-19 09:12:45

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

FaFoutis Sun 07-Apr-19 09:15:46

Yes, he is doing plenty wrong. This is not how it should work.

Jessgalinda Sun 07-Apr-19 09:16:54

You should both get equal downtime. That's not ok.

However, of you start the viscous circle of 'well at least you get to talk to grown ups' resentment and the he starts the 'at least get to stay at home/dont have to carry the family financially' etc that's going to end in misery

You have young kids. Both your lives are different, but both hard.

But like I said, spending all his time playing PS and not taking over so you get down time is not on.

Lungelady Sun 07-Apr-19 09:17:32

It is your dh who is in the wrong. Not men in general. My ex never did what your dh is doing.
Have you told him how you feel? Made plans yourself to go out?

HoneysuckIejasmine Sun 07-Apr-19 09:17:41

You work full time too. 24/7 by the sound of it, and he does what, 37.5 hours? Selfish arse.

I'm a SAHM. DH works full time. As soon as he's home from work he's Dad. Neither of us have alone time until the kids are in bed. On the weekend we mostly spend it as a family but give each other time if we want it. It's fairly evenly split, but usually it's actually doing chores without the kids in the way like mowing the lawn and DIY.

LegoPeopleEverywhere Sun 07-Apr-19 09:17:55

Um what?! You may be doing the childcare when he's at work, but that doesn't mean you should be doing it all when he's off work too. You should be getting equal free time (or as close to equal as possible).

Streely Sun 07-Apr-19 09:18:06

He is taking the piss. Online gaming every evening? He needs to grow up.

MrsSpenserGregson Sun 07-Apr-19 09:18:10

Well, you both work full time - the fact that he's the only one earning any money is irrelevant. Looking after an under-2 is certainly a full time job, and it's tiring even when you're not pregnant.

Why is your DH buggering off to play on the PlayStation after dinner instead of washing up, bathing your toddler, etc??

What hobbies have you given up? Would you like to resume them? What would your DH need to do in order for you to do them again?

YANBU. Sounds like it's all about your DH at the moment, and you are the unpaid housekeeper, nanny and chef. You need to have a long conversation with him before baby no.2 arrives.

TheABC Sun 07-Apr-19 09:19:17

So what would happen if you went out on Saturday? And left him with the kids? Equal downtime, after all.

SnugglySnerd Sun 07-Apr-19 09:19:42

I would feel resentful in your position too. He is taking the piss especially with the gaming every single night.
My dh's life has absolutely changed since having dcs. He gets up in the night as much as I do (although not when I was breastfeeding!) . He does the early mornings. He does school pick up/ drop off 3 days a week. As soon as he walks in from work he's changing nappies/helping with tea time/bath/bed and then he does all the washing up and clears up the kitchen. He rarely goes out as we can't afford it and neither of us has the energy anyway! I wouldn't mind if he wanted to play footie or similar once a week but having "his time" every night would be ridiculous!
I think your dh needs to pull his weight tbh.

LegoPeopleEverywhere Sun 07-Apr-19 09:20:02

I'm a SAHM. DH works full time. As soon as he's home from work he's Dad. Neither of us have alone time until the kids are in bed. On the weekend we mostly spend it as a family but give each other time if we want it. It's fairly evenly split, but usually it's actually doing chores without the kids in the way like mowing the lawn and DIY.

This is how it works in our house too. OP, it sounds like your DH is expecting you to carry all the extra load of having children whilst his life is unchanged?

FaFoutis Sun 07-Apr-19 09:20:37

In your situation my DH did the majority of evening stuff for the children. I would have a day of the weekend off on my own.

If you carry on as you are your mental health will suffer and your marriage may well break down.

Bagpuss5 Sun 07-Apr-19 09:21:10

I can't believe people are still posting these posts - you must have v recently joined MN, OP.

hidinginthenightgarden Sun 07-Apr-19 09:21:33

Time to start getting time in yourself! Start saying on X night I am going out. And do it! Tell him how you feel.
When DS was a baby I felt like this. At the end of my maternity I told DH that I wasn't sure why I needed him at that moment. I asked him to show me that we were a team and that we were in it together - because if we weren't then I would be better off on my own, not sitting around waiting for him to come home eat and go back out.
Things got much better and are now pretty good. We are not even but we are closer to it than ever since having DC.

ThisIsTheEndgame Sun 07-Apr-19 09:22:14

Your husband is an arse. It was slightly different when our kids were tiny and being breastfed, but now they are 2 and 4 I get as much downtime as DH, and he lifts DC2 if he wakes in the night (unless he is on an early shift at work the next day) so that we both get decent sleep. There's no justifiable excuse for your husband abandoning you for his football mates most of a Saturday and plonking his lazy arse on the PlayStation instead of doing the washing up, bath and pjs for the older one. He won't have any relationship with his children when they grow up at this rate.

Biancadelrioisback Sun 07-Apr-19 09:22:36

What do you mean you don't "get" to go out etc? Does he stop you?
Organise a girls night or something and pop it on the calendar and tell him in advance. Your toddler us just as much his toddler so he needs to figure out childcare.
Also, stop cooking his tea every night! Go out with the toddler, go to your mum's or your friend's house (or just book a hotel room just for you), tell him he has to be home by a certain time or go down to the club house/office with DC and drop them off with him and go.
He's being an inconsiderate arse, but you need to be more assertive here for things to change

Nanny0gg Sun 07-Apr-19 09:22:48

You should be resentful as that's not how it needs to work.

Have you discussed it with him?

JustDanceAddict Sun 07-Apr-19 09:23:19

It didn’t work like that for me. Yes, I was a bit resentful
Of DH going off to work to mix w adults and away from the monotony but it’s what worked for us. I’m not saying we did t have the ‘who had it worse’ row, but....
The difference was when he was at home he was hands on, I’d literally be handing him the baby when he walked in!! Then I’d make dinner etc. So he’d bath the DC(s) while I cooked then we’d eat when they were in bed (at 7pm). On weekends we’d do stuff as a family.
He always did his hobby one evening a week which was fine (usually!).
In fact DH was more hands on then than he is not w teen DCs, who also need a different type of guidance (ie away from screens, making sure they do homework etc).

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 07-Apr-19 09:23:29

This is YOUR choice. I went straight back to work PDQ.

monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. pfft! you married this, it didn't just evolve. You chose to have a second child and further isolate yourself.

FaFoutis Sun 07-Apr-19 09:23:48

The roads in my town are full of stupidly outfitted men on expensive bikes today, as they are every weekend. The OP's husband is not alone in his behaviour.

WhoKnewBeefStew Sun 07-Apr-19 09:24:01

You feel resentful because your dh is taking the piss.

You may not be employed but you have a full time job! You are equally as entitled as him to some ‘down time’

Start taking YOUR downtime!

corythatwas Sun 07-Apr-19 09:24:03

This is not about "a woman's life" in general: this is about your dh not pulling his weight.

For heaven's sake, my grandfather managed far more for his family than this and he was born in the 19th century. All the men around him, ordinary w/c and lower m/c men, managed to spend time with their children in the 1920s and 30s.

There is a very sensible and very good MN maxim that you should both have equal amounts of downtime. Don't count how much you work: count how much time you get off. If you are not getting any, then you need to reorganise.

SEsofty Sun 07-Apr-19 09:24:39

This is not about all men. This is about your partner being a lazy arse.

sandi2019 Sun 07-Apr-19 09:25:04

Sounds a bit one sided OP.
Where is your break and wind down time?
Mind....he may not realise it's a problem unless its flagged to him.

JustDanceAddict Sun 07-Apr-19 09:25:48

Oh and I def went out. First one was to cinema w best friend as I timed it between feeds.

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