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AIBU?

Non molestation order. I need help.

29 replies

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 22:31

I'm applying for a non molestation order against my ex partner. I don't have the money for help from a solicitor as I'm on SMP. He's been psychologically abusive to me and I can't cope with it anymore.

Has anyone done this before? Can anyone advise? I need to do it ASAP as he scares me and I am sick of him contacting me.

OP posts:

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2019 22:35

Have you called Women's Aid and have you reported him to the police? How is your ex contacting you? Can you not block him from your phone and email? I'm really sorry you're going through this. You must be very scared and overwhelmed.

Changedname220 · 06/04/2019 22:39

I ring women’s aid on the Monday and by Friday I was in court. They found me a solicitor and arranged legal aid (subject to meeting the criteria) it was granted without notice (meaning my husband at the time wasn’t informed and wasn’t present ) he was issued his papers by the court server later that day. You will need evidence to provide in support of the application . In my case it was a written statement by me , photos , police reports etc .

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 22:42

I've contacted women's aid but haven't been able to get through and they didn't respond to my call back today. Which is ok I understand they might be helping women in immediate danger. I'll call again tomorrow. I've spoken to them before. They've been very helpful.

He's contacting me via text, email, phone call. If I block he just used a different number. I never respond and have decided I am not going to keep him blocked. I'm going to let the messages keep coming and use them as evidence for the NMO, as hard as that is.

I haven't reported him to he police. I spoke to an officer for advice. But I didn't officially report him. I don't know what good it would do!

I just want this injunction as soon as possible and ideally before he takes me to court for access to our child, which he currently doesn't have.

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frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 22:45

Thank you Changedname. I have evidence of him harassing me, and being cruel and rude to me. Do you know if he sees the evidence? Much of it are messages from one of his family members who has supported me and shown me messages he's sent to her with abuse about me in. I don't want to get her in trouble...

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Boom45 · 06/04/2019 22:50

Try and find a local women's organisation. They're likely to have a drop in at some point where you can talk to an actual person and they will probably have links with solicitors firms that do pro bono work for their clients.

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 22:51

Thank you Boom. I'll try and do this tomorrow or as soon as they're open!

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Changedname220 · 06/04/2019 22:52

You should report it to the police. If you have not responded it’s harrassment as opposed to malicious communications and the police may try and bring charges. In which case if they do and he admits it or is sentenced he may get a restraining order from the court.

However in my case he admitted it all the evidence was there but the cps wouldn’t bring charges and he was given a caution. This meant it didn’t reach sentencing at court hence me having to get my own order from the civil court

Changedname220 · 06/04/2019 22:53

Just to add even if it’s served without notice he will be given the opportunity a week or so later at another hearing to contest the order if he wishes to. My husband didn’t and even if he had there was no need for me to attend the hearing at all. My solicitor would have attended on my behalf

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 22:55

Thanks changedname. I have no faith in the courts doing much. I'm stopping him from seeing his child (for good reason) and most of his messages now are 'my DC hasn't seen me and I'm worried for his safety' - he has no reason to be worried for his safety and I know I am an excellent mother. In protecting my baby from an abuser. I get the impression the courts are really geared towards dads seeing their children and putting them in harms way regardless of any domestic abuse. I just have no faith because I hear so many stories. I just want to run away to the other end of the earth...

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littlem133 · 06/04/2019 23:01

Try NCDV (national centre for domestic violence) or Domestic Violence Assist. Both can obtain court orders on your behalf within days in certain circumstances

ConcealDontFeeI · 06/04/2019 23:02

He will see the evidence you put forward. But honestly, if it's texts he's sent, who cares?

There is likely to be a (often temporary) clause in there regarding child contact. I.e contact can't be made with you re arranging child contact, it has to be made through e.g. a contact centre.

That's what mine was like. The judge was so lovely and complimentary towards me and gave my exP a proper dressing down. Was fab

Social services are very familiar with scorned ex partners making malicious accusations. They may be forced to do an assessment, but in my case it was very low profile. Asked her nursery and doctors for any relevant info, then came round to see us both for a 10 minute chat. If you're a normal parent who doesn't neglect or abuse your child, you're likely to get a glowing report. SS deal with things you can't even imagine. Don't be fraught with anxiety and clean your house for days on end in preparation etc (like I did)!

Best of luck. It's a horrible situation all round (been a year and I've only just stopped the frequent legal aid requests for evidence) but so worth it.

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 23:03

Thank you little. That's really helpful.

I'm so scared they're not going to deem his abuse bad enough, or he is going to charm them and claim it's all lies.

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itwasadarkandstormy · 06/04/2019 23:03

OP, I did this by myself and it was no problem when it came to filling in the forms but I had to go in front of the judge and convince him to make a judgement that day without waiting for my ex partner to be afforded his view.

in my case, my ex left me a highly abusive answerphone message, and the judge asked me to leave the court and write it out on a piece of paper BEFORE he would give me the order. I did, and it was fine.

the following hurdle, however, is that the papers have to be served by either a court appointed bailiff (which they will do if he he has a police record of abuse) or you have to pay a process server to do it for you. The judge would not let be done by the bailiff, so I had to pay the process server. it cost me 100 I think.

the point of this is that the process server has to complete a form for the court confirming that the papers have been served, confirming the order and giving him a further date where he can appear in court to defend himself. and, yes, he is given a copy of what you submit as your evidence.

you have to go back on the further date the judge has given for him to appear, and the judge either upholds his judgement or recinds it. in my case, my ex failed to appear, so the judgement was upheld. but it is vital to make sure that the paper proving he was served is given to the judge or the process is VOID. it sounds a lot, but it is quite simple.

please feel free to PM me if you need more info.

stay strong....

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 23:07

Thank you so much darkandstormy

I'm so scared about having to see him in court if it gets that far, and him reading the evidence even though it is all 100% true. I hate him so much he's messed with my head. I'm a decent human being and don't deserve the way he has treated me. Not saying that anyone deserves this because they don't, but I'm just saying I've never done anything to hurt him. All I've done is taken his control away. It's all his doing.

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frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 23:08

It's a shame he sees all the evidence as I refuse to use what his family member sent me as she asked me not to.

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MrsAird · 06/04/2019 23:10

If you can't afford a process server it can be given to your ex by your friend or family member, but they must fill out the form saying where and when they gave the documents to your ex.

You must NOT hand them to your ex yourself.

itwasadarkandstormy · 06/04/2019 23:12

please also be mindful that, while not on your side necessarily, the judges do have built in bullshit detectors. and they do not approve of men who bully women....

I know its scary - super scary - but it is necessary to do. I filed it with the police too as my ex would not leave me alone. without it, they are powerless to deal with the harassment for you -but with it, he can be arrested. my ex was arrested and charged as a result of violating the order. it's taken very seriously

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 23:12

I don't even live in the same city as him now. That would be really hard. I think I would just have to pay for it even though it would be stretching my funds.

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itwasadarkandstormy · 06/04/2019 23:21

the judge will need some concrete evidence - like messages or pictures of damage etc to make an instant judgement.

also, as Mrs Aird says, you must not attempt to serve the papers yourself!

by the way, I think local solicitors offer out process server duties, their fees were quite high. I asked over my local facebook group if anyone offered this service. 100 was quite reasonable

frecklesbec · 06/04/2019 23:23

I have text messages from him that will definitely show how abusive he's been. He's also phoned me 3 times in a row on numerous occasions

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itwasadarkandstormy · 07/04/2019 01:54

I would lead with that and leave the heresay

peachgreen · 07/04/2019 07:13

Other than the frequency of contact (and I'm not downplaying how distressing that can be), what abusive behaviour has he shown? What makes you feel your children wouldn't be safe with him? (Genuinely asking in order to ascertain whether you should / could report him to the police which would help you obtain a non-mol).

frecklesbec · 07/04/2019 09:53

@peachgreen since we split up? Or just in general?

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peachgreen · 07/04/2019 15:11

In general.

frecklesbec · 08/04/2019 09:38

I'll give some examples

He is an angry person. If I did something minor wrong he would become snappy, would storm around the house. He would punch things and shout and swear. He threw a book at the wall next to me once.

He would often comment on my appearance, my weight gain (during pregnancy may I add), my stretch marks, my hair etc. Never positive comments.

He was controlling with money.

Since I left him he's broken my things. Thrown stuff away. Changed the locks on our house so I can't go in. Opened my important post and threw my post away.

He told me our baby will hate me when he's older because he's going to tell him how I mistreated him which I never have.

All of this occurred in front of his children too. He told his child whilst I was pregnant that if she didn't stop being naughty that he would like the new baby more than her.

There are many other things, but I don't want to say specifics. Every day was spent walking on eggshells. If I don't respond to his text right away I get a '?' sent to me.

He doesn't like not being in control.

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