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AIBU - wedding nightmare with family

(62 Posts)
Reallyevilmuffin Sat 06-Apr-19 20:13:27

DP and I have been planning to get married for a while. Looking at cruises for the past month or so. Very realistic that on a 2 week cruise we expect no one to come. However it has become a big issue with my parents and brothers.

Parents keen on coming, no issues there. Brother 1 keen on coming, because it is a lot will help him to come. Brother 2 does not want to come. Basically stating limited holidays and does not want to come. No big deal, I look at sorting stuff for them and kids. I'm not particularly close with them like I don't talk to them regularly. None of DP family want to come.

Now my mother is flapping at the thought of brother 2 being left alone in house for 2 weeks. He is 23, works but still lives at home. However is concerned that he might have a mental health episode and no one will be around. Has no formal mental health issues but has called Samaritans before and does often feel left out in general and feels I get more attention as the eldest.

Now mother is saying that he cannot be left alone and wants other brother to stay so she can be worry free on the holiday. Brother 1 had been looking forward to it and being de facto BM, as only non parent adult there. Is annoyed but understands why mother is worried. However currently is not talking to him and hasn't for a couple of months. This regularly happens.

I am extremely annoyed at this. I wouldn't be bothered if any of them didn't want to come, but mother is dictating now for eventualities that probably won't happen, and if do is likely to be out of jealousy over an option that he had to attend with us and my parents paying half of his cruise fare.

DP is really upset, crying and suggesting we just call the wedding off. I'm incensed at this, and feel that she panders too much to brother 2 generally. I'm of a mind that although it'll cost us more to say sod it and just go alone without any of them. My mother is usually really helpful, often comes down to help clean our place but this is just too much for me currently.

Currently have given ultimatum of brother 1 and mother/father, brother 1/2 and mother/father, or none of them. Frankly this has left such a bad taste in my mouth I'm really not bothered if mum comes or not despite being close to her and talking most days. Or should I just let it go and just book for parents/us as they want, as this would be cheaper for us too, but I feel this is too much currently and I might struggle to get over this.

cliquewhyohwhy Sat 06-Apr-19 20:15:59

Book for you, partner and brother. Let your mother stay home with the golden child.

BeanBag7 Sat 06-Apr-19 20:17:18

Just have a normal small wedding here and then go on 2 week cruise for a honeymoon?
I wouldn't want to be stuck on a boat with my parents and in laws for a fortnight, even though we get on well.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 06-Apr-19 20:19:20

Go to the registrar with your family to get married, go out afterwards for a lovely lunch to celebrate, and then you and your partner go on the cruise by yourselves for a honeymoon. Destination weddings are almost always a massive pain in the arse and cause conflict.

MadameAnchou Sat 06-Apr-19 20:21:56

Just get married at the registry. Is it even a legal wedding on a cruise? Go on the cruise for your honeymoon.

Shitonthebloodything Sat 06-Apr-19 20:22:43

I'd scrap the whole thing and do something else. Why is DP so upset and crying?

miaCara Sat 06-Apr-19 20:25:04

Just have a normal small wedding here and then go on 2 week cruise for a honeymoon?
This .

Let your mother stay at home with her son while you enjoy your honeymoon together. Your brother can join you on another holiday if you feel he has missed out somehow.

100Birds Sat 06-Apr-19 20:30:06

My own personal experience of this led me to apply the rule: anyone who dictates who else can come isn’t welcome ie. your db1 should come, dm and db2 not

Contraceptionismyfriend Sat 06-Apr-19 20:31:26

Why should Op change her wedding plans?! She doesn't care who comes so she isn't forcing anyone. She's pissed off that her adult brother is forcing her other brother who wants to be there to stay home.

To be honest OP I'd go with Pp suggestion. Get together with the brother who wants to go and say the three of you will go and if your mother wants to stay she can.

stucknoue Sat 06-Apr-19 20:33:51

I agree with others, tiny wedding in U.K. with dinner in nice restaurant (not exclusive use) head to Southampton/airport and stay in nice hotel, depart next day

ALLMYSmellySocks Sat 06-Apr-19 20:36:24

I would get married at the register office and go on cruise as your honeymoon.

ALLMYSmellySocks Sat 06-Apr-19 20:37:05

If not though your mum can stay home - it's weird demanding your other brother stays when he's not even taking to the third brother!

Cherrysoup Sat 06-Apr-19 20:37:33

Another vote for dB 1 to go with you, parents stay at home. Don’t let your mother fuck up your wedding/honeymoon. If she doesn’t want dB 2 left, she can bloody well babysit him.

Reallyevilmuffin Sat 06-Apr-19 20:42:25

Sorry should say - brother 2 is not mandating anyone stay with him, but mother won't leave him home alone.

Brother 1 really wants to come, but would prefer to stay home to enable mother to come to the wedding.

Father thinks mother is being and idiot and just should let him be at home.

DP is getting stressed as she knows this is upsetting me and I would like parents there, but I never thought that they would act like this. Is concerned I will back out if parents aren't there so they can witness it.

DP is also not keen on registry office here, and main intiqal reason for doing a ship is specifically not having to faff with invites, and do it small without offending people, but now we have both become rather charmed with the idea of getting married on the ship.

(Bare in mind she has been trying to get him to move out for over a year anyway)

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Sat 06-Apr-19 20:42:53

Christ on a bike!
Your mother is behaving appalling!!!!
he is 23 for heavens sake!?!?

You, DP and your brother go.
Tell your mother to stay with their favourite baby boy confused

Where’s your dad in all this???

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Sat 06-Apr-19 20:43:58

Ahhhh missed this line
Father thinks mother is being and idiot and just should let him be at home.

Maybe take your dad too then grin

Crunched Sat 06-Apr-19 20:52:00

Your DM is infantilising DB2 which will do neither him nor her any favours in the long term.
A period of two weeks is ideal to give him a taste of independence.
I think that DB1 should definitely come along to your wedding, it is great that he wants to be involved.

gruffaloschildgonewild Sat 06-Apr-19 20:55:53

your mum can stay with your brother as she is the one concerned about him. Rest can come to the wedding.

pallisers Sat 06-Apr-19 20:56:24

I really don't blame your brother for not wanting to spend 2 weeks on a cruise with his family. My idea of hell at any age but at 23 I'd have done nearly anything else.

Your mother is being weird not wanting to leave a 23 year old.

But honestly, I think saying "my wedding invitation is for a 2 week cruise" is a bit weird too.

Can't you just get married and go on holidays by yourself. Why do your guest have to spend 2 weeks with you? I wonder if your mother wants to say this but is using the excuse of your brother instead.

leesylou Sat 06-Apr-19 20:57:11

It’s unfair of your DM to insist DB1 stays at home to “babysit” DB2, especially as DB1 really wants to be there! Surely, your DM needs to either pay for DB2 to attend or stay at home and “babysit” him herself.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 06-Apr-19 20:57:20

Oh FFS. If your mother doesn't want her Golden Child left alone, then SHE stays behind! She has no right AT ALL to tell your other brother he should stay behind with a brother he isn't even talking to. She needs to get a grip.

And you need to tell her she is not in charge of who is allowed to come to your wedding, because that is what she is doing - deciding that if Golden Child doesn't want to come then non-Golden son can't come. NOT. HER. CALL.

ChicCroissant Sat 06-Apr-19 20:59:33

Can you get legally married on the ship, or do you have to have a registry office wedding somewhere on the cruise as well (a couple I know who married on a cruise ship had the legal ceremony on one of the stopovers) if your partner is not keen on registry offices I would check that.

However I don't follow this bit, do you mean your mother not your DP?

DP is really upset, crying and suggesting we just call the wedding off.

Why would this situation mean calling off the wedding? You were going on your own to begin with anyway, keep that thought!

Fatted Sat 06-Apr-19 21:01:35

Registry office here and then go on cruise just you and DP for your honeymoon.

By the sounds of it, the last thing either you or DP need is to be stuck on a bloody boat with your DM for two weeks.

GreenTulips Sat 06-Apr-19 21:02:15

Your DM is infantilising DB2 which will do neither him nor her any favours in the long term

He’s not the only one!! Does your cleaning??? Are you 8?

Grow up, book to elope and have a gathering in your return.

IHateUncleJamie Sat 06-Apr-19 21:08:42

It sounds like you’re all making this a million times more trouble than necessary. Simple solution:

Get legally married here, Register Office, Hotel, wherever. Nice lunch etc for whole family.

Go on 2 week cruise for your honeymoon BUT take wedding outfits and get the Captain to do a ceremony onboard. Then enjoy honeymoon onboard without having your entire family basically being gooseberries on your honeymoon.

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