Use of 'slag'

[Susanna30]

As we were walking to the station, DH's elderly grandfather commented 'slag' and rolled his eyes as a teenage girl in a skirt walked past. I had to do a double take.
I said 'what?' but he said nothing and I didn't further question it.
I was really shocked at the time as no one in my family would say this or anything close. It's been on my mind and I feel really cross.

He is, I suppose from a different time and background. Which DH sees as an excuse, not sure I do.

I work weekends and my DH takes my young DD (4yo) to visit great-grandfather every other week. I am now worried about this.

She has come out with a few odd / derogatory things that no one should say and I had no idea how she heard it. One of the things was 'simple' when talking about a person in our family with disabilities. I had not connected that it could have been something she'd picked up from him. I'm sure she didn't get it from Cbebies.

AIBU for wanting to stop DH taking DD to see his grandfather. I feel really weird about this type of language and that someone would even think it let alone say it.

[Justmuddlingalong]

By not questioning his comment at the time, you've reinforced his belief that it was an ok think to say. Why did you not pull him up on it?

[cheesydoesit]

Only got to the first sentence. Wtf?! I would have ripped him to shreds, that's disgusting.

[Susanna30]

I said 'what' and he didn't reply.. I didn't feel able to start a row in the middle of the street with an elderly person.

[GregoryPeckingDuck]

I’ve nrver actually heard anyone use that world in real life. It might be worth trying to explain to your DD that not everything your GF says is ok for her to repeat.

[GreatDuckCookery]

I said 'what' and he didn't reply.. I didn't feel able to start a row in the middle of the street with an elderly person

I get that but this is the reason people carry on using this kind of language. It’s easier to say nothing or in your case not to question further, but we honestly have to pull up anyone that uses derogatory words like this however much we don’t want to.

No good worrying about Dad visiting him if you’re going to let this type of thing slide. He needs pulling up every single time.

[GreatDuckCookery]

DD not dad.

[Amongstthetallgrass]

You did hear him and you should of challenged it.

Fil now doesn’t like me because I challenge him on his misogynistic disgusting views. I will not accept them.

This drip drip drip of non challenged crap is what shapes tiny minds early on.

Challenge it.

[DizzyPhillips]

You slaaaaaag

He sounds utterly gross actually.

[Susanna30]

The man is 90. It's not an argument I'm willing to have in the middle of the street. And the situation / moment has passed so there's no point in 'you should have..'. It's just unhelpful. What I am asking for is advise on how to move forward. And if I am being U not to allow DD to spend time with her great-grandfather.

[DizzyPhillips]

In the real world you can’t just go around challenging every little remark like that. You just can’t. People will end up avoiding you.

[DizzyPhillips]

“Fuck there’s that woman who moans at everyone. Let’s go this way instead”

[cheesydoesit]

He may be 90 but I'm sure he had the same thoughts when he was a younger man, you don't turn into a wanker because you are older, nor should it give you a free pass to behave so horribly. To answer your question, no I wouldn't let him around my 4 year old. What if she wears something 'slaggy' as a pre-teen in the next 7 years or so? Will it be ok to brush his disgusting misogyny under the carpet because he's 97?

[cheesydoesit]

For what it's worth my husband's GF is 93 and he would never say anything like that. My own GF was 72 and said fucking horrible things that we would all pull him up on and as we got older we would see him less.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

Can you have a chat with your DH about your concerns? I would think he doesn't want to challenge his grandfather, even if he disapproves of some of his language (hopefully!l. However, if you put it to him that the only way you want the visits to continue is if he guarantees to address any inappropriate comments immediately then will he agree?

[Tomtontom]

I don't believe it's a word that would be common to his generation. I volunteer with a group where all members are male and most 80+ and I've never heard it said, even when they don't know I'm listening.

[cheesydoesit]

And so what if people avoid you Dizzy? Do you equate asking someone not to use the word slag as moaning?

[EL8888]

In all honesty l wouldn’t be thrilled about someone saying things like that in front of my children. I know they weren’t there but l doubt those kind of judgements are a one off. So what if she was wearing a short skirt, it’s her choice to do that. What does your DH think about it all?

[Crabbyandproudofit]

I also think, overall, your DD will model herself on you and your DH. She may copy language she hears from other people, particularly if it's a new word to her. You can tell her why certain words are not nice/not used if she says them and teach her about respect for everybody.

[AcrossthePond55]

And if I am being U not to allow DD to spend time with her great-grandfather.

How's that going to work? Will your DH agree to this? If not, and DH takes her anyway, wouldn't you rather be there to pull the old fart up on it. Or at least to say to your child "That's not a nice word that Granddad just used, we don't use that word" loud enough for him to hear.

I don't give a shit how old someone is, if they use unacceptable terms to describe someone I'm going to speak up, if only so my children will hear that it's not right. It's not about changing the person using the word, it's about a child understanding that it's not an acceptable word.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

It's not something I have ever heard my grandmother say, she's 88. She might say she doesn't like what so and so is wearing, but I don't think it's a generational thing. Also, he would have been around when women and girls wore skirts that skimmed their bums first time round, and weren't considered to be slags (my mum tells me she used to have to wear two pairs of knickers to protect her modesty climbing upstairs on the bus). Sounds like it's him being a misogynist. You could challenge every time, but it's not going to change his views by the sounds of it.

[Helmetbymidnight]

to call a random teenage girl in the street 'slag' is absolutely horrendous.

id be amazed- and then v fucked off.

[Helmetbymidnight]

i think its good you said 'what?'

i dont know if id have felt able to take that on- but make sure you do next time!

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

And if I am being U not to allow DD to spend time with her great-grandfather.

You ? Allow? Did I miss the bit where your DD has two parents and your DH - presume as he is an H and not a P - has equal parental responsibility and can take HIS child to see his family members as and when he sees fit to do so.

You could divorce him over the issue but you still cannot dictate whether he takes his child to see his family or not. No court in the land would agree with your diktat.

[mastertomsmum]

Not right to say it, but the world can look very different to someone who is 90. I would talk to your children about it and maybe also have a quiet word with him. As regards the ‘simple’ comment - I’d make sure your kids knew this wasn’t the right word to use. Kids are savvy they soon reach a point where they can gently correct older adults about inappropriate language.

My parents are over 80 but don’t usually say wrong thing, excepts about Brexit.

[Amongstthetallgrass]

Fuck there’s that woman who moans at everyone. Let’s go this way instead

GOOD! I want people to avoid me if they talk crap!

And YES you absolutely can object to a 90 year old who calls women Slags - unless your a simpering woman who knows when to keep her mouth shut in fear of upsetting the men folk. God forbid!