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Argument with DH

(36 Posts)
9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 12:50:11

I’ll try not make this too long.

Just had a row with DH over his mum wanting to take our children to her holiday home in the Easter hols. She sprang it on him yesterday saying which days she would take them. I’ve already arranged appts and annual leave etc for the time she would like to take them.
I said to DH that she could have asked when was best (she doesn’t work) and that I think it’s nice she wants to take the kids away, but she could at least have asked if we had any plans rather than thinking we hadn’t.

DH has proper kicked off. He’s told me to fuck off. I told him to fuck off back. He’s then stormed out of the room shouting that I’m fucking bi-polar, I’m a bi-polar bitch and that he never knows where he is with me.

I admit, I do have MH issues - PTSD - but this isn’t problematic at the moment.

This is totally out of character. He’s not normally a sweary/ shouty person. I feel sick that he’s thrown a mental health insult at me as well.

He’s now stormed out and driven off somewhere. I don’t know where as he’s left his phone.

I don’t know what to do.

eurgh Sat 06-Apr-19 12:54:42

Did MIL talk to HIM about it and he's not bothered to tell you so has kicked off and turned it on you to take the spotlight off him perhaps? I only say this as it's EXACTLY something my ex would have done - turn it on me when he knows he is in the wrong. FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable to be consulted before you're told what you're own children will be doing!

Samind Sat 06-Apr-19 12:57:31

Absolutely agree it's reasonable you should have been asked. They're your children and like you say you could of organised something for them.

Is there anything going on with him if this is the first outburst of its kind? It was very cruel of him to say these things. Hope you're ok!

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 12:58:42

She spoke to him yesterday about it, but as it’s less than two weeks away I had already made the appointments and leave etc and had made plans in my head. I am happy to ignore my plans and work around the appointments, but it was more that it’s not a surprise that school hols are coming up and I thought that we would be asked.

It seems like such a massive reaction on his part. blush part of me feels crazy and maybe I am bipolar, but the other part feels gaslighted.

GabriellaMontez Sat 06-Apr-19 12:59:21

You're totally reasonable.

He's wrong and unpleasant.

Friedspamfritters Sat 06-Apr-19 13:00:42

Erm he sounds like he's being totally out of order. What else is going on for him? If he's not normally a shouty aggressive person there must be some cause for his nasty behaviour?

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:01:13

He’s never been like this before. I am really worried that there is something going on with him to make him like this. I know he’s been stressed at work, but I feel this is a massive over reaction and very mean.

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Apr-19 13:01:25

He's behaved really badly, but did you discuss your plans with him? Is he taking any time off?

GreenTulips Sat 06-Apr-19 13:02:19

He’s mentally planned his child free days and you’ve scuppered this, I mean your only their mother why should you get a say?
I would decline as well and ask that they discuss dates with you another time

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:03:14

Nanny - yes, we discussed it as he has an appointment on the same day and has booked a couple of days off work too during this time.

That’s one of the things I said to him - that his mum should have asked as she’s chosen the days we either have plans or have booked off work already to do stuff.

bridgetreilly Sat 06-Apr-19 13:05:52

Can you phone MIL and explain the situation, especially re appointments and work out between you what days will work for the children to be with her?

Then deal with your husband's massively unreasonable over-reaction later.

HopefulAgain10 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:07:20

Yanbu thats incredibly out of order. And to throw your MH back at you is just unforgivable.

What would piss me off is your MIL audacity to just think that's her children and you have no say. He got angry with you because he jumps to her tune and you dont want to as well.

HoHoHolittlepea Sat 06-Apr-19 13:13:21

it's an abusive reaction..totally off the charts..
it's unreasonable of his mum too...if it was me I'd say no and that it's a lovely idea but far far too short notice.

cakeymccakeface Sat 06-Apr-19 13:14:00

What appointments do you have and with 2 weeks notice can't they be rescheduled?

I'd be delighted if my children's grandparents would take them away for quality time. I think 2 weeks is more than adequate notification.

BarrenFieldofFucks Sat 06-Apr-19 13:16:21

Of course it isn't. And besides, since when do people 'give notice'? Why wouldn't they pick up the phone and ask?

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:21:22

Cakey- dental and opticians. It’s hard to get nhs appts at our dentist, so I book the kids in for school holidays and figured it was best to get their eyes tested on the same day. So a fun family day out at the dentist and opticians, lol.

I could probably rearrange the opticians, but the dentist is a bloody nightmare. sad

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:25:22

I am ok with people saying I am unreasonable about the MIL bit. I’m not sure if I am or not.

NoraEphronsneck Sat 06-Apr-19 13:26:22

I always book opticians/dentists etc for school holidays too. Much easier to get everything sorted out on one boring day.

cuppycakey Sat 06-Apr-19 13:27:07

I would not rearrange any of these appointments.

Your DH sounds very volatile. Do you think he is with his mother? Does he have a history of being unable to say no to her?

I wouldn't have him back until I could be sure he wasn't going to behave like this again.

GreatDuckCookery Sat 06-Apr-19 13:29:07

DH should have told her that he would run it by you before agreeing imo.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:29:40

He’s just pulled back up now in the car. Will report back in a bit.

SummerInSun Sat 06-Apr-19 13:35:08

If this is genuinely uncharacteristic behaviour for him, I'd definitely be concerned that there is something else going on and he's taking the stress of the something else out on you. You says he's having a stressful time at work - could he be at risk of redundancy / being fired? Could he have a health scare he hasn't told you about?

I think the issue of what you do about the holidays is a totally separate issue to the issue of how he's behaved when you had this disagreement.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:00:11

He’s downstairs, I’m upstairs. We haven’t spoken yet. Feeling pretty low now, to be honest, struggling with this. We’ve been married 9 years, I don’t understand why he would want to hurt me like this. sad

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:01:17

No risk of redundancy/firing. His job is secure. He’s just stressed because he’s busy at work. I don’t think there’s any health issues.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:11:07

Go out and leave him to his strop.
When things are calmer later, maybe, you both can talk it through. I'd let things simmer down. I'd also be demanding an apology.

TotHappy Sat 06-Apr-19 15:21:53

What do you mean, you haven't spoken? You blanked each other or he just came in and acted like everything was fine?

GertrudeCB Sat 06-Apr-19 15:27:42

He should have apologised.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:28:08

I’m upstairs in the bedroom and he came in and has stayed downstairs.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:28:59

I feel like I don’t want to go talk to him as I am afraid that he will say things again about my MH and I’m already struggling with it all.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:29:20

I have no friends in RL. I am very lonely.

CheshireChat Sat 06-Apr-19 15:42:26

It sounds like a really shit situation and I'd be fuming about the comment, but if he's generally supportive I'd ask what's going on.

However, it's absolutely fair to say you found it unforgivable and to expect an apology.

I know you've said you're lonely, is there any particular reason you don't have friends right now? Like no time or opportunities to meet people.

9OhDearMe9 Sat 06-Apr-19 15:55:22

I’m busy with work and when I changed jobs I kind of drifted away from my old friends (we worked together). It was natural really - we all ended up getting married, having kids etc and as time passed we slowly stopped seeing each other.

Now I just don’t feel I have anything of interest to offer anyone, so I wouldn’t even know how to make any new friends.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sat 06-Apr-19 16:12:08

OP if I stormed out and came in and DH was upstairs I'd assume he rightly didn't want to speak to me. If he's not like this usually he might be feeling very sheepish. Is it worth going to get a drink or something? He might take it as opportunity to apologise. What he has said to you is unacceptable.

CheshireChat Sat 06-Apr-19 16:26:34

I sincerely doubt you have nothing interesting to offer flowers, it's hard.

sackrifice Sat 06-Apr-19 16:28:47

Can you let her take them, leave him to rearrange the appointments and take the necessary annual leave to facilitate this, and go see your old friends on the days that you have leave booked?

Cherrysoup Sat 06-Apr-19 16:33:12

I would talk to the mil and say that she can’t have them on those days and say she needs to talk to you if you’re doing the wife work of appointments etc. Next holiday, let your dh take the time off and make the appointments. Is he in the FOG? Does he always prioritise his mum over you? Why didn’t he just ask you before acceding to her demands?

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