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AIBU- EX threatening to "kill me" if I don't stop child maintenance

(64 Posts)
helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 12:32:37

Hello,

I wrote a thread about this before and I received some good advice but I'm terrified and I'm in two minds about the situation. To start...

DD's dad is one of those dads that we won't hear for 4-6 months at a time and then shows up out of the blue. He Is consistent for 2 months, then something happens and he goes like a genie. I warned him that if he does he's disappearing act again, that he should keep walking and doesn't turn back as he has done this for the past 7 years.

Anyway, we have had no contact from him in 3 months and DD is getting one. Whilst I was out, I received a random call from my sister (we live together) that DD's dad has showed up and he would like to talk to me, and that he has his friend (who I know of) with him.

I was honestly like "what the fuck". Anyway I reach home and I meet DD playing with her dad and kept saying "your back, your back". I then asked DD to play in her room.

Moving on, the reason why DD's dad came was because he wants me to stop pursuing child maintenance. He said he is in debt, he is about to lose his home, he is only working 15 hours and cannot afford to provide for DD. I told him "that I gave you (him) chance after change to give me some money, I didn't hear from you when I texted you to ask what was going on, I warned you that I will pursue child maintenance and ask them to do a collect and service (where they do a direction of order) if I didn't receive any money).

He's friend then pipes up and tells me " I know you wants DDs dad to be a responsible father but have some compassion, he is in debt, a week ago he asked me to pay for he's electric. Your studying right ? Why can't you sacrifice your studies and get a job and provide for your DS yourself ?". He then adds " if DDs dad doesn't pay, then I will pay you the money". I told him to not be stupid , my child ain't he's responsibility.

I then asked DDs dad how much can he afford to pay, he said "Honestly... I have no money, I can give you 10 a month or maybe £20... but there will be a few months that I won't be able to pay". I told him that he can't be for real. He then starts shaking in anger (I know) and pipes up "why can't you leave me alone ?! Just drop the child maintenance and I won't have anything to do with DDs life". I replied to him "That I'm sorry but I want the best life for DD and unfortunately, I need your money. You can decide on whatever relationship you want with DD but you still have to provide for her".

He then gets up and starts shouting "I will give sign over my rights, I will let you have full custody of DD but drop this child maintenance, if you don't drop it, I will come for you". He then turns to his friend and says "she needs to go".

I then told him to "get out" and they both went.

I cannot be arsed with this boy child, I'm thinking of leaving Child maintenance so myself and DD can have a peaceful nice. My friend told me that I shouldn't but if I don't do it, I have a death wish hanging over me.

helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 12:33:15

*DD is getting on

ziggiestardust Sat 06-Apr-19 12:36:42

“I will come for you...” Jesus. Christ. What a cunt. File a police report at the very least, please OP! Absolutely no way in hell would I be opening the door for him again either, he sounds like a very unstable person who would benefit from seeing his daughter in a contact centre for her safety and your piece of mind.

WillGymForPizza Sat 06-Apr-19 12:36:45

Report him to the police.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Sat 06-Apr-19 12:36:54

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3549569-to-not-think-it-s-not-worth-pursuing-child-maintenance?pg=2

I have put the link to your other thread, which is practically identical.

It is your choice. You know that the child is entitled to the money and you know that you can go to the police and CMS if the threatens you. If you really feel that it is a "death threat hanging over you" then you should go to the police.

What you can't do is make him have a relationship with his child. My ex sees DD as and when it suits him. It breaks her heart, but it is his choice. I wasted years of emotion on him, trying to make him want to see her, but there is no point.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Sat 06-Apr-19 12:38:35

I think your dd deserves to benefit from child maintenance but she also needs you to stand firm against this threat.

The police should be able to help.
Was your sister there when he said it?
Did it happen in front of your dd?

Womens aid should be able to advise.

redwoodmazza Sat 06-Apr-19 12:38:55

I saw your previous post.

I advised then that as DD's father, he cannot 'sign over his rights'.
You need to pursue CM.

helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 12:39:03

The police aren't going to protect me. I am thinking of taking up boxing again if I ever have to confront him.

I am worried. He knows where my DD's school is, he knows where my parents live. I told him that he is cannot see DD again.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Sat 06-Apr-19 12:41:31

So you've reported this to the police and somebody said they couldn't help?

Did you spell out that it's domestic abuse? It can help to use the right language rather than detailing the specifics of an incident.

icelollycraving Sat 06-Apr-19 12:42:44

Tbh I would jump at the chance of severing contact. It probably wouldn’t last but if you aren’t going to get anything anyway? (I have no idea on how it works if you could do this legally).

helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 12:43:15

I haven't reported it to the the police. He was violent some years ago. I've had dealings with the police- they didn't do anything, he will be violent, they will arrest him and let him go the next day.

I don't know if I can go through that headache again.

Holidayshopping Sat 06-Apr-19 12:45:32

I would not stop the claim-your child is entitled.

I would report the threat to the police and inform the school.

Windygate Sat 06-Apr-19 12:47:10

I posted on your other thread. For the sake of your child you really need to report this matter to the police. You need a record of these threats to kill, that you clearly believe and take seriously. Boxing isn't going to be of much use if he wants to kill you.

madcatladyforever Sat 06-Apr-19 12:47:42

What you need to do is go straight to the police and report this man. Then report him again anytime he says anything dubious to you so it's on record.
Don't drop your claim. If he is as skint as he says he will only be made to pay a minimum small amount. I'm guessing he is lying about the amount of money he has.

TowelNumber42 Sat 06-Apr-19 12:51:30

If you think he is dangerous contact the police every single time. Even if they do very little, it is all going on record so that when you really need the police or social services to act they are much more likely to do something major to help.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 06-Apr-19 12:54:51

I'd get a solicitor to draw up a full custody, zero visitation agreement and get him to sign it. I'd then cease the CMS claim.

He adds nothing of value to your child's life. If this is a way to get him out of it, do it. Is the continued disruption of him popping in and out of your DC's life worth the £10-20 per month. No way.

I say this as a single parent with has had zero child maintenance payments since my DC was born. There has also been zero involvement, which we are more than fine with.

Orangecookie Sat 06-Apr-19 13:09:59

Honestly I’d let him sign away his rights and get him out of me and my kids life.

If you think that would get him away. He’s dangerous, erratic and violent. Not having maintenance would for me be a small price to pay for having the peace to bring up my child without them or me being harassed. Get some more advice from women’s aid. Decide what to do. Report it to the police though. It’ll be logged

StarlaP Sat 06-Apr-19 13:15:42

The police report paying more attention to cases like this OP and for good reason. You may have felt unprotected by them in the past but they have improved hugely where Domestic Violence is concerned. Please report him again and if your sister was there too, ask her if she would also be willing to give a statement to the same effect.

Also please do mention it to the school so they can keep a closer eye on your little one.

helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 13:16:41

It's very hard. As, I do need the money but I want him gone at the same time.

SandyY2K Sat 06-Apr-19 13:18:15

I'd report it to the police and have it on record. I'd want it documented that if a anything happened to me, they need to investigate him.

I'd want it documented that this threat came ad a result of you pursuing child support.

He's quite a useless human being and his friend is equally stupid.

RoseAndRose Sat 06-Apr-19 13:21:30

Your first thread also contained (good and comprehensive) replies along the Iines of 'report threats to the police, get CMS to sort out maintenance'

I assume you lost it, and that is why you posted the same again?

FifisLovelyApron Sat 06-Apr-19 13:21:31

Have you worked out how much he would be made to pay? If it does come down to £10 a month is the aggro worth it?

Whatever you decide to do, you should report the threats to the police.

helpmetoseeagain Sat 06-Apr-19 13:22:24

I will get, from CM, £150.00 a month

AWishForWingsThatWork Sat 06-Apr-19 13:23:38

Please report them both to the police. Get it logged.

What a waste of space your ex is.

GabsAlot Sat 06-Apr-19 13:38:22

he cant sign away his rights theres no such thing-so u could stop pursuing cm and he could still legally see his child

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