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To think that maybe it's better to only have myself to rely on?

(36 Posts)
Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 09:31:09

Just this, really. I'm 43, divorced, I have a partner of six years. We don't live together and probably never will, that's a whooooole different story.
I have an amazing DD, 11, from my marriage.
I often feel sad and envious of other women who seem to have such lovely supportive husbands who adore them and adore being with them. I know we can never know what goes on behind closed doors and I try to remember that, and since I've been divorced I've really wanted to get married again and know what it's like to have a supportive partner.
I don't think I've ever had a man in my life who I can lean on and rely on, looking back - I certainly don't have one now.
The last few months I have increased my hours at work and am more financially stable. I've started to think, do I really want to live with a man again?
I'm so used to relying on only me to do chores, manage money, raise DD, etc etc, that I'm wondering if it would just annoy the shit out of me.
I can't be bothered with wondering if he might help around the house, split chores 50/50 etc, and the thought of being pissed off about a lazy bloke in my house terrifies me.
Anyone else in my situation?

namechangedbutneedadvice Sat 06-Apr-19 09:41:58

Hey OP... I'm in your situation, well similar anyway. 42, divorced, 2 DDs, fairly financially secure. And I know what you mean... even though I was devastated about splitting with my cheating ass exH, there was a great deal of relief to be at the helm as it were, by myself. Do things my way. Not have to worry about my relationship with my husband as well as my DDs and everything they need. My relationship damaged my self-esteem and I'm still trying to undo it... know I need to be on my own.

I remember the first night I had to put the bins out after he left. I just kept thinkiing oh god I can't do this. When things went wrong in the house that I had to fix. Sorting out insurance and financial matters - all of those things exH did and I felt stifled. Now I do them all, by myself and I LOVE IT.

I wonder if I ever want to live with a man again... certainly while the girls are young... I want my own bathroom and the toilet seat down. Having said that, I'd like to find love again and I'm sure a wonderful man is out there somewhere; as lovely and imperfect as me.

WhoKnewBeefStew Sat 06-Apr-19 09:44:43

Far better to do it that way, than try and rely upon a useless twat IMO smile

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 09:49:58

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by housework etc and have a bit of a cry

WhoKnewBeefStew Sat 06-Apr-19 09:51:56

Can you afford a cleaner once a week. This helped me massively. I’d now rather go without the odd luxury and pay for the cleaner instead

namechangedbutneedadvice Sat 06-Apr-19 10:04:43

Yes the flip side of the coin is that it is very demanding and all-consuming, and can get lonely at times.

How has the fact that you've never had a man you can rely on affected you? Could be a positive to be honest... you've been forced to be a strong, capable woman.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 10:13:07

I'm definitely seeing it as a positive at the moment

Robin2323 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:14:42

I've lived on my own a lot but I've Always had a routine.

I adapted it as time goes on
But every Saturday house 2 hours weather it need it or not.

That way it gets done and I g
Can on with my interesting stuff.

When the kids were here dh used to help but he works more hours so it didn't seem fair so I do it.

Make a plan and try and stick to it.

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 10:16:09

I totally feel like that. My other half does fuck all in the running of the home/raising the kids. When he goes away we don't really miss him. The kids are so used to him not being around as he always does his best to wriggle out of most of the responsibility of bringing them up.

The most he does in the house is: put the bin out once a week (90%) of the time. Load the dishwasher once a week, if I'm lucky. Heat up baked beans for them as a meal about once every 2 months or maybe make their breakfast a couple of times a month if they ask. If they don't ask him, he'll sort himself out and not think to do it for them.

I do all the hoovering, all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the school admin, all the insurance type bills/admin, 90% of the medical appointments and the admin that goes with it and their therapies. All.the bathing, all their washing and putting away. All the bedtimes. He handles them so badly they don't want him around at bedtime. I take them to clubs on a Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

In his eyes, he pays 70% of the bills (earns 4-5 times my wages) so that absolves him from lifting a finger in any other part of family life.

He works about 50 hours a week and I work 30 hours a week. Both of our jobs involve unpaid admin stuff (both self employed and employed jobs). Both kids have disabilities so hard going. We have years of night waking which is all my responsibility.

I have tried to get him to do more so many times but all falls on deaf ears. He is reaping what he's sowing and gets upset when the kids aren't bothered if he's there or not and that will only get worse if he continues to do fuck all for them under the excuse that he pays the rent and household bills (I pay all kids activities, clothes, school trips, school dinners, insurance, therapies, Christmas and birthdays, plus my own bills such a car, mobile phone etc).

If people say why not split the money 50/50 he didn't want to do that when he was earning £3.5k a month and I was earning £500 a month having gone part time to raise both disabled pre school kids.

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 10:21:33

Plus I do all the DIY and sort my own car out because he wouldn't even know where to begin. Thankfully I was taught as a teen how to do basic car maintenance and DIY.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 10:23:51

I feel bad for you Flobalob.
This is my idea of hell.
Does he know how you feel?

wildcherries Sat 06-Apr-19 10:41:11

flobalob, that sounds awful! And he sounds useless. I'd have to reconsider the relationship. I understand raising two children with disabilities would be very hard, but he doesn't sound like he's any help anyway.

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 10:43:16

It's a continuing argument that he always manages to win because of "how hard he works". His response is that I should work full time (knowing I can't earn as much as him) and he will "stay at home". He doesn't value my work or see it as work because my work doesn't pay the rent (it goes to paying for the kids stuff). He didn't even value my work when I earned £40K. His job has always come first.

If this happened the kids would suffer and be highly stressed so it's not an option. I suck all this shit up for them. The flip side is that at least I am building a good relationship with them and that's what they will remember from their childhood I hope.

I don't think the kids and I would see any day to day difference if he didn't live here. We'd have more space and there would be less mess and shit left lying around the house. I just couldn't afford the rent and bills on my wages. I have to do jobs that earn very little to fit around the kids as they don't cope in childcare. This means I'm often working 10pm-1am at night plus school hours.

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 10:45:35

My kids wouldn't cope with shared custody being with him and me not being there due to their disabilities. That's why I suck it up. It will get better one day

wildcherries Sat 06-Apr-19 10:57:15

You sound like a fantastic mother. I have some disabilities too, from childhood, and definitely credit my parents for helping me through it and to grow in independence. Your children will remember your love for them and your hard work, too, I'm sure.

All the best to you and them.

Happynow001 Sat 06-Apr-19 11:02:05

Wow @Flobalob you have a lot on your plate and your partner is an utter dick. But you know that. Maybe you should review some of the things you do for him in the home.

@Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman
* Sometimes I get overwhelmed by housework etc and have a bit of a cry*
Are you able to outsource any of the grunt stuff? Eg cleaning? Ironing?

Sounds like your current partner wouldn't add anything more positive by moving in? If so remaining in your own property with your DC is probably the better option.

Strength to you OP. 🌹

8FencingWire Sat 06-Apr-19 11:10:37

OP, what do you mean by ‘a partner to rely on’? What do you expect a partner to be like/do?

I’m not expecting anybody to ‘share my burden’, I don’t particularly want to share a partner’s burden either.

Do you mean someone to have fun with, a chat, a movie, stuff like that?

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 11:20:46

@wildcherries Thank you, that's a really kind thing for you to say.

I try my best but feel guilty when I get grumpy with the kids when it occasionally gets on top of me. Hopefully they won't remember that!

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 11:25:44

@Happynow001 I stopped doing his washing years ago when he came home from work one day and I'd been looking after a 1 and 2 year old and he complained that he'd come home to a shit pile everywhere. Basically not valuing the work that's involved in keeping two tiny tots fed, entertained and clean all day. In his eyes I had plenty of time to clean and tidy the whole house while he was working. I was also working 15 hours a week without childcare so sorting the kids/house all day then working once the kids were in bed.

He eats a main meal at work so I just cook for myself and the kids.

It's very sad really. We are like ships passing in the night.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 11:37:11

I'm absolutely not talking about someone to share the burden at all, apologies if it came across like that.
Just someone who loves me and wants to be with me, share laughs and go out for drinks and feel appreciated.

megrichardson Sat 06-Apr-19 11:51:33

Regarding 'sharing the burden', I see nothing wrong with having someone who wants to support you and comfort you when things aren't going so well, and I would certainly do that in turn for a partner, too.

GregoryPeckingDuck Sat 06-Apr-19 11:54:39

Honestly the only reason I got married was to procreate. Living with other people is w pain no matter how much you love them. Sharing finances requires a great deal of restrain and responsibility from both parties to avoid friction which o doffocult to keep up. If something happened to my husband I probably wouldn’t remarry.

Flobalob Sat 06-Apr-19 11:56:25

OP I have loosley started to follow The Organised Mum Method (Team TOMM). This had made a massive difference to how I've been able to keep on top of the housework.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman Sat 06-Apr-19 12:19:20

I'll look into that x

namechangedbutneedadvice Sat 06-Apr-19 12:27:49

Flobalob thanks for that I hadn't heard of TOMM I'm going to give it a go smile you sound absolutely incredible by the way. True love in action right there. Look after yourself as best you can flowers

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