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DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

(202 Posts)
namechange1796 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:09:08

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

Jessgalinda Fri 05-Apr-19 15:11:24

Yes you are being over sensitive. But I understand why.

But it was clearly meant to be a joke.

I mean this kindly, this is more about how you feel about yourself, i think.

You need to think of what would give you a confidence boost. Return to work, some volunteering, a good oing talk with dh about how you are feeling?


Aquamarine1029 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:11:40

My husband's life wouldn't be worth living if he called me his cleaner. What a prick.

Horehound Fri 05-Apr-19 15:12:42

Yeh youre being oversensitive.

MissPollyHadADolly19 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:14:14

Oversensetive 100%, Sorry OP, I know given the circumstances it probably got your back up but in context it really was just a joke.

HeathRobinson Fri 05-Apr-19 15:14:15

He doesn't know when to stop digging, does he? I could actually see my dh saying this, totally without malice.

Sorry for your loss. flowers

Duchessgummybuns Fri 05-Apr-19 15:14:37

It might have been a joke but it was shit and offensive. I hope his apology was sincere and that he “gets it”.

His colleague on the other end of the phone probably thought he was being a dickhead too. I would have.

mbosnz Fri 05-Apr-19 15:15:32

I think if you were in a better frame of mind, you'd perhaps not find it terribly amusing, but wouldn't be quite so upset by it.

I'm a SAHP too, and depressing far over the wrong side of 40 and I'm afraid that I wouldn't find it amusing. (Although I can't imagine my DH being quite so lacking in self preservation dim as to think that I'd find that funny.)

Tunnockswafer Fri 05-Apr-19 15:16:05

Why isn’t he doing the bloody hoovering when you have had a miscarriage this week. He’s lucky you’re not still in bed. He was clearly joking but a lot of jokes are very hurtful indeed - and sometimes they reveal a truth about how someone sees us.
If you want to retrain then it’s up to your dh to find a way to make that work, just like you’ve made it possible for him to work whatever hours all these years. Oh and get him a room in the garden or whatever for wfh.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 05-Apr-19 15:16:35

It might have been a joke but it was shit and offensive.

This. If the person on the other end of the phone was a woman, she'd think he was an utter tool. If it was a man, he's either a tool too or cringing. It's not funny.

kaytee87 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:18:34

It was an unfunny joke. Maybe you are over sensitive just now (sorry for your losses thanks) but his 'joke' still wasn't funny.
I hope he apologises to you.

adaline Fri 05-Apr-19 15:19:01

I totally disagree with the first few posters! If my DH referred to me as his cleaner I would be seriously unimpressed. It just smacks of disrespect.

And if you've just had a miscarriage (which I'm so sorry about flowers) why the fuck isn't he doing the hoovering?

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 05-Apr-19 15:19:08

You are being oversensitive but i might have hoovered up his phone in your shoes!

thanks for you. He misjudged the joke. It was fine as a joke but context is everything. I get why you’re upset but I think he isn’t an arsehole.

AnnettePrice Fri 05-Apr-19 15:20:01

100% over sensitive about the comment.
100% to be expected at the moment.

It just shows you need a little more TLC
flowers wine

kaytee87 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:20:43

Pp has a good point. You should be on 'sick leave' just now xxx

FooFighter99 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:21:25

I'd have playfully clipped him round the ear, called him a dickhead and told him to fuck off.... but I get why you aren't in the joking mood and DH really needs to try and be more sensetive to your feelings

Can you sit him down and explain that you're feeling sad and vulnerable and he needs to bear that in mind?

araiwa Fri 05-Apr-19 15:22:54

You needed to do the hoovering whilst dh was on business calls? Why?

Its clearly a joke but its easy to sympathise why you have overreacted

Alsohuman Fri 05-Apr-19 15:23:41

What Foofighter said.

Readytogogogo Fri 05-Apr-19 15:23:47

I think him saying 'you'd have found it funny before' is the least impressive but - he should have apologised properly and not blamed you for not appreciating his 'joke'.
flowers for you.

Readytogogogo Fri 05-Apr-19 15:24:51

Bit not but

MaMaMaMySharona Fri 05-Apr-19 15:25:16

Agree with other PPs that you may be being oversensitive, but completely within your reasons to.

Your DP would probably be horrified to know how much it's upset you but he really does need to be more sensitive at the moment.

I hope you're ok flowers

DonPablo Fri 05-Apr-19 15:27:43

Jokes are meant to be funny. It wasn't funny.

Happynow001 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:28:23

Sorry OP your husband behaved like a Twat! Given your recent MC - and actually good manners - he should have been a bit more sensitive.

Perhaps you could have an honest conversation with him about how you are really feeling and how you'd like things to change. Good luck - and don't let him "joke" his way out of it.

namechange1796 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:29:32

@adaline he wasn’t because they’re all used to me just getting on with everything. i had my last child on a Thursday night (midnight) and was back doing the afternoon school run the next day. DH back at work on the Monday. I don’t have any family nearby and no close friends either. I rarely get ill and when I do I have to carry on.

Preggosaurus9 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:29:38

What a twat. Agree whoever he was on the phone with would be either mortified or a twat!

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