Controlling mother or am I being UR(42 Posts)
Short version of this story is that I have an annex attached to my house that I rented to a friend for a max of 18months, I allowed her bf to move in with her as a trial run until she sorted her debts out and they were able to get a deposit together. My mother took a dislike to the bf and the situation and every opportunity she saw she would "have a go" at them over petty things, eg running out of gas, scratches on furniture, smoking, electric heater use etc.
Anyway, while I was away a couple months ago another one of our properties came up for rent and she "offered" it to them, knowing full well they wouldn't be able to afford it. I wasnt here to witness the words used but I can imagine my mother didn't leave them much choice other than to move out. My friend even said "what your mum says goes, and she has the last word regardless of what anyone else wants to do."
I have the rental income from the properties, which effectively pay my mortgage and living costs.
Not only am I down the annex rent (small peppercorn rent) I am missing the house rent and a few other rents due to other reasons non related meaning I am going to struggle to pay my mortgage this month. Mother has offered to help, I've thanked her and refused as this is exactly what she wants, me to forever be financially tied to her.
My mother comes over EVERY morning to "help" out with my chores and it got to the stage where I was having to sneak my FWB out the front door as she arrived... I'm 34, he's 40... quite embarrassing I must say.
While I'm writing this I realise how ridiculous this sounds and I can't even believe i am mid 30s!
Anyway, It all came to a head the other day, I feel like my mother is consistently getting involved in battles she doesn't need to, trying to control my life by controlling my finances and who I decide to help and when. If she doesn't approve of the situation she will take charge and "solve" it.
I messaged her the next day after she had stormed off over always getting involved in my messes as she calls them and said that I think we both need some space from each other and I don't want her coming over in the mornings. I appreciate the help, I love her but she has to stop getting so involved in my life.
She's responded saying that I need to stop getting myself into situations that are uncontrollable that she needs to sort out for me, and that everything I do always ends up in a mess.
Not sure what feedback I'm expecting but I just needed to have a rant. I'm in disbelief that that's the response I got to be honest, she's deluded if she thought trying to help a mate out is a mess, everything was fine before she got involved, I had a steady income from my annex and the house. Since she put her two pence in I'm short about 1k this month.
Oh well, any advice would be much appreciated. Probably worth mentioning she's been like this all my life, makes me feel like a 10year old. Maybe it's something to do with being an only child...
Be careful about allowing her to do things because you think she enjoys it. In her mind, she is doing it because she thinks you can't cope without her help. You need to make it very clear when and why she is invited to do things at your places.
Sending lots of support to people in the same or if not worse situations then me
Thank you again for your comments, and the time you've all taken to reply
I think sometimes parents don't deal very well with us growing up and becoming independent. They lose that control they had on us when we were childhood and try to keep hold of it any way they can.
I think it is possible to have a talk to discuss boundaries, let them know what would not be tolerated and will drive you away, also what you could do to be part of each others lives and be/feel happy and appreciated if they wanted to try. Either there can be compromise and willing, or there can't. In my case it was a can't and we're now non contact, which is the only way it can be. I hope you reach a better outcome, but if you can't then you're definitely not alone.
Thank you so much for all your replies.
It makes such a difference when you hear outside opinions and has just confirmed what I probably already knew but didn't dare admit to myself.
I'll give myself and her a few days to calm and see if she comes back, no way will I get an apology but hopefully we can move forward from here with a more positive relationship.
I would think about what you want first and if it's possible to achieve. Then consider the compromises you could include and how they make you feel. Then consider how your mum fits into it.
It's perfectly acceptable to put yourself first sometimes and others to fit around it. Hopefully, there's some middle ground to be found between you and your mum but, from what you say, I would start on firm ground with your needs at the forefront.
Her interfering, and you allowing it, is preventing you from living a full life. Change the locks, go low contact, let your friend stay overnight, enjoy your horses, have fun. Stop enabling your mother. She needs to get her own life and stop spoiling yours.
I have an overbearing mother. It only got better for me when I finally stood up to her and let her know how unbearable her behaviour was. I still don't tell her everything, she has no keys and calls are generally filtered through answer machines. It's still not great, but much better than it was.
Thank you for the replies, it is such a help to see it all written down and there is so much sound advice I'm going to be re reading the post over and over until I have figured out what to say and do next.
I let her come over in the morning to help with the horses, it's purely because she enjoys it, not because I need the help, I often feel a spare part!
I have ran a successful livery yard for many years without help/interference and held down a part time job so I am perfectly capable of doing it again. I almost think she thinks that if she doesn't come up and help it's a punishment whereas I LOVE doing my own horses on my own.
She retired mid last year and I thought it would give her something to do other than be bored at home. Little did I know 🤦🏻♀️
She makes me feel ungrateful and spoilt which is why I hardly ever say anything but then i end up in a situation like this where it gets too much.
OP you are no longer a child. You are letting your mother treat you like some recalcitrant teen and need to set yourself some boundaries
A. I'd suggest not even bother asking for your property keys back - just get all your locks changed.
B. Stop pretending you don't have a private/sex life and sneaking your FWB out before she comes round. You are an adult in your own home with your own mortgage so can do what YOU want.
C. Talk to her calmly but firmly and tell her you are no longer prepared to continue this way. Suggest you meet at her home for a meal/coffee or somewhere neutral if that works better.
If you can't do this face to face (which would be better) write her a letter telling her honestly just how her treatment makes you feel.
Tell her you don't want her to come round AT ALL for at least a month or at least you tell her to, at times/dates to suit YOU and not her.
D. Let her know the adverse financial results from her recent interference.
E. Let other renters know the only person with authorisation is you - not your mother (I'm assuming the properties are not co- owned with her).
F. Get yourself some 1:1 counselling to analyse your past and present reactions to her behaviour and how you can you can strengthen your boundaries so, hopefully, the two of you are in a more equal, adult, relationship.
It will be tough as she's so used to behaving in a certain way (as are you) but nothing will improve unless you put checks and balances in place. Good luck OP.
Move the friend back to the annex. Put the other property up for rent. Change the locks so your mother can’t get into your house and when she knocks simply don’t let her in. Ignore texts and phone calls until you are ready to answer them and move on with your life on your terms
You have a friend with benefits over for sex and you have to sneak them out that sounds like a problem in a teenage magazine.
If the properties are in your sole name, then change the locks and stop discussing any and all details with her.
Stop sneaking your FWB out, sit in the kitchen have breakfast together. If she doesn't like and she she mentions it then just tell you told her to stop coming over and she doesn't like it then she knows what to do.
Unfortunately your mum doesn't seem to comprehend that you are no longer a child but an adult.
This is weird I was reading about your friend in the annex and thinking your mum was in the right. The rest is just batshit! And you need to be a grown up and tell her
Why have you allowed it to come to this? You need to be more assertive and be able to live your own life as you want to. Why did the friend just move out without discussing it with you?
You need to get the keys back or change the locks. Yes, it will be a difficult conversation, but you need to point out that you are 34 not 14.
Change your locks, tell her YOUR property isn't any of her business, and advise her that she's only welcome on YOUR terms.
What's the worst she's going to do? She can't spank you. Blow up your phone? Turn it off or block her. Show up on your doorstep? Call the police and tell them she's trespassing.
If she can't handle not being in control, that is HER problem to sort out. Not yours.
I can't see any messes never mind any you need your mother to sort out.
You keep saying that you don't want to be mean. Forget that, this situation is ridiculous. If she has keys then get them back immediately. If she won't give them back then change the locks.
And all this stuff about not wanting to bother with new tenants and not wanting to have children in a long term relationship... I would honestly tell her this. She needs to know how much of a negative effect she is having. I know it's a difficult conversation to have but I think you just need to be really clear with her that things have to change.
She won't agree with you. She'll tell you that you are the problem and she's the one who is sick of you. That's fine. Let her say whatever makes her feel better. Just make sure that by the end of the conversation she knows that you two are on a little break, and when contact resumes you are not going back to the way things were. Clear boundaries need to be set.
You have a FWB coming to your house so I’m assuming your single. I’m wondering how many chores you have means you need your mother to come and help.
Personally, I think I'd sell all the properties and find another far, far away.
Change the locks, of all the properties, so your mother cannot access any of them. I'd also make sure all details regarding the tenants are locked away somewhere, so even if your mother is in your house she can't find phone numbers etc. Warn all tenants about her and tell them not to believe a word she says.
Tell her not to come round in the mornings. If she knocks on the door, ignore her.
Next time she mentions your messes ask her how, exactly, your current mess is your fault considering she made your tenant move out. Stick to your guns about not letting her help your financially.
Low contact with her. Whatever heartstrings she may pull at ignore. It will be hard, but so very worth it.
I’m in the change the locks camp. She sounds unbearable.
Find your assertive voice.
Will you change your locks?
Change your locks, stop sneaking about with your FWB and ignore her jibes. She can pnly control what you let her.
Don't rent to people who have debts, especially not friends with debt problems - because you're a friend, you'll feel really awkward when the rent doesn't materialise after a couple of months.
Presumably, your friend passed credit checks to rent the place she says she can't afford (after trying to manipulate/bully you in pretty much the same way you describe your mother doing). So she either gave fraudulent information on the application or was lying to you in the first place.
Whilst you see it as being controlling, your mother might see it as protecting you from chancers because your good nature means that you're vulnerable to being taken the piss out of.
Not liking somebody coming home twice a week stinking of beer, fags and wibbling like an idiot isn't controlling - lots of us don't like being around that and would be quite happy if they went out, had a couple and came back able to function properly (I associate it with a violent drunk - they had 'only had a couple, I only go to get away from you and be sociable' when they were actually completely hammered, belligerent and would break things, set fire to the toaster or pass out on the living room floor - if they didn't come in expecting sex or a fight - or both).
Even offering the money doesn't have to be deliberately wanting an obligation, it could easily be 'Well, they were taking the piss, I offered them somewhere where they would be independent and it would be more professional/legal/make it possible for them to claim UC Housing/LHA, but they didn't want to pay their way when they could leech off my DD. Because it's had consequences for DD, it's only fair and right that I cover those losses'.
I'm noticing that you don't like her hugging you - but she wants to, presumably because she loves you. If she tries to show her love and affection that way, it can be very painful to have somebody stiffen and reject you - maybe helping with chores and being protective is the only way she thinks she can show you she loves you?
It's not far from protective to controlling and if you don't say anything, she doesn't necessarily know that you see it as the latter.
Is it possible that you could talk to her about it, calmly and explain that you really appreciate all the help she's given you but you think it's time that you did your own cleaning and learn to manage your portfolio on your own, but you'd like to see her, say once a week, outside the home just for a coffee and cake?
You need to establish some rules. And put a bit of distance between yourself and your Mother. Way to much control for a 34 year old!
Stay firm. Tell your tenants and future ones that you have a batty mother and to ignore anything she says. Change the locks on your house because sure as eggs are eggs she will have spares cut.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.